Undergraduate / 'ants and loneliness' - UC personal statement 1 [5]

I'm writing this personal statement for uc-Berkely, LA and San Diego.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

i'm not sure if ants are a good metaphor, and i feel like i should add soemething at the end. suggesstions?

As a child I often played outside, lightheartedly exploring the world. One time, I saw another youngster. He stood in anticipation. One foot was tilted up. The other balanced the rest of the body. There seemed to be an eerily long pause, even though the time span couldn't have lasted more than a second. His eyes fixed upon a tiny, black speck- a small ant. The harmless creature sensed something strange when a misplaced shade loomed over it. The ant looked up. It should have seen the intricate grooves across the sole of a shoe. Instead, all it saw was four bolded letters indicating the brand of the shoe: fear.

I come from a large city called Naperville and subsequently come from a large high school with an enrollment of more than 4000 students. My community, which once only consisted of my mother and father, rapidly expanded. Relatives were added, then playmates, friends, teachers and eventually the 4000 strangers I walk amongst five days a week. As I progressed in my educational journey, formally known as life, my world became larger. My large community paired itself with a more impersonal upbringing. I realized how easy it was to slip in and out unnoticed, how easy it was to feel lonely and, worst of all, meaningless. I was a puny ant staring up at the impending foot of crushing despair. Yet, feeling infinitely little had an infinitely simple answer: voice

I began to observe the interactions of my peers. The goofing off, the lovers' fights, the friendly laughs, and the colloquial conversations reminded me of how much people wanted to be heard. Somehow, the act of shaping lips, opening mouths and moving tongues has become the essence of well being- a way to reaffirm personal value. The conversations around me blended into a buzz...

I recalled a conversation I had with my friend Connie. We were once very close but had drifted apart over the years. I always believed that close friends blessed her. How could she ever feel isolated with her intimate circle of peers? As we conversed, she confided in me how lonely she felt. She needed to voice an intimate, inescapable part of her that was often brushed under the daily round of care-free jokes. She needed someone to listen. She had a voice.

There's something deeply terrifying about being alone. It's not the kind of fear I feel when I watch horror movie, or venture down the basement, or carelessly come within inches of a car accident. I want to study Psychology because, in the future, I want to support people in their time of need. I understand first-hand how scary it feels to be alone, and no one should have to suffer alone.

Undergraduate / 'I want to study Psychology because...' - University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign [NEW]

Planning to Major in Psychology

I come from a large city called Naperville. Likewise, I come from a large high school with an enrollment of more than 4000 students. As I progressed in my educational journey, formally known as life, my world became larger. My tight-knit community, which once only consisted of my mother and father expanded, adding relatives, playmates, friends, teachers and eventually the 4000 strangers I walk amongst five days a week. My large community paired itself with a more impersonal upbringing. I realized how easy it was to slip in and out unnoticed, how easy it was to feel lonely and, worst of all, meaningless.

I began to observe the interactions of my peers; the goofing off, the lovers' fights, the friendly laughs, the colloquial conversations and solitary walkers reminded me of one thing: voice. Somehow, the act of shaping lips, opening mouths and moving tongues has become the essence of well-being. The conversations around me blended into a buzz.

I recalled a conversation I had with a friend named Marcy. We were once very close, but had drifted apart over the years. Oftentimes I believed that close friends blessed her. How could she ever feel lonely with a close circle of friends? As we chatted, she confided in me how alone she felt sometimes. All she needed was someone to listen. She needed to voice a deeper part of her that often became brushed under the daily round of care-free jokes.

I want to study Psychology because of people I want people to know they have a voice.

I'm applying to UIUC for psychology. I haven't quite finished it but I'mhaving some trouble figuring out which parts I should develop more and my conclusion. Any tips would help!

Undergraduate / 'Fear once chained me.' - University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign [2]

Chaining Fear

Fear. Fear once chained me.

My first audition: as I stood in front of an informal panel of judges for a local audition: Naperville's Got Talent, my mind swarmed with worries: Will I get in? Is this song right? Am I ready for this? Do I look okay? My shaky hands stumbled across the piano keys, my voice cracked through my acoustic rendition of Lady Gaga's Paparazzi. Of course, I got cut.

Fear. How could such a small word stifle me, suffocate me? I feared my fear. Passion and apprehension knew no coexistence and I knew it. In the battleground between my dread of failure and my passion for performance, I began the counterattack.

November 2011, 8 A.M. I found myself standing in line, one of millions, to test my laborious efforts on the popular TV show America's Got Talent. After eight hours of waiting I stood in front of a few producers in a small room at McCormick Place.

It's got to happen, happen sometime. Maybe this time I'll win.
Fear? I broke free. Empowered. As I sang, not an ounce of the self-inflicted, cold-blooded cruelty could possibly shackle me.
In actuality, by definition, I was not fearless. Fear still nagged me throughout the eight hours of agonizing anticipation. And here's the catch: I got cut. Eradicating fear completely was and is, I daresay, impossible. My goal to conquer fear carried on through months of practice, through the eight hours of anticipation, through my performance of Maybe This Time, and through the auditions I participated in afterwards. I fought fear, suppressed fear and ultimately defeated fear. Conquering fear never meant that I would never be scared again or that I would never fail; it meant improvement upon errors, ignorance of insecurities, and a perseverance that endures despite any failure.

This is my second essay for priority filing at UIUC. I could use some help with the punctuation, and I'm also not sure if the essay is very coherent. The italics are song lyrics and the song title, but I'm not sure if its supposed to be punctuated that way. Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'My Friday Nights' - Common Application Short Answer [3]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)

My Friday nights found themselves short of the typical football games and parties. In the basement of Living Water Evangelical Church I take out my humble acoustic guitar. Soon scores of elementary students will energetically run in.

After the children settle, I lead them in the first song. Initially I felt nervous about leadership. Being a leader means responsibility, not just to others, but also to myself. I had been given the privilege to become a role model, a non-stop duty that takes pride in integrity. As I sing, I see the children boldly jumping, dancing, unrestricted with joy.

Then I remember.
I became a leader for the children because I want them to always remember to find joy and refuge in their beliefs. I want them to always remember that their life has purpose and meaning. I want them to always remember that, despite any insecurity they may have, resilience trumps weakness. CC