Posts by morr_j23 [Suspended]

morr_j23

Nov 14, 2011

Writing Feedback / 'malicious yet popular food items' - Persuasive Essay- AP Language and Composition [5]

"These malicious yet popular food items overwhelmingly occupy the cafeteria." I would change that.. it's the right idea, but it doesn't sound right, if you know what I mean. Maybe something like "It seems as if you cannot escape these infamously popular food choices in an average high school cafeteria."

"To easily solve this problem, we must eradicate from our cafeteria this junk food horror." Again.. good idea, but doesn't really flow. "The only solution to this junk food nightmare is to eradicate these options from our cafeteria once and for all."

"Like a villainous monarch, the junk food of our school has power over ones who have a lower status, such as the healthier choices offered." ..try something like "These items are like a heart attack waiting to happen. The junk food offered in our school has power over smarter, yet more unpopular choices." Be creative. Keep revising. You're on the right track! Good luck!

morr_j23

Nov 14, 2011

Undergraduate / 'student engagement and outsanding academics' - supplement --Why Duke?? [3]

This is very well written. Congrats on that. I honestly cannot think of something I would add to it, I see no grammar mistakes. You did a good job. I would send it if I were you. Good luck!

morr_j23

Nov 10, 2011

Undergraduate / My autistic sister - majored in unafraid [3]

"Since my sister is nonverbal I try to think of ways to better our communications so I started to teach her sign language. " This is a good thought, but I think it would be better reworded a little differently. Try something along the lines of "Since my sister is nonverbal, I decided to teach her sign language to better our communication." It's simpler and clearer.

"One of the characteristics of autistics is that they become impatient and with that I challenge myself to think of ways to teach her sign language in an entertaining way so that she does not reject what I am teaching her." It's a little too long and wordy. Try this. "One of the characteristics of autistics is that they become impatient easily. With this challenge, I tried to think of ways to teach her sign language in an entertaining way so she can keep her focus longer."

The rest of it is good. Is this supposed to be an essay? It's really short. It's a good start, though! Keep up the work.

morr_j23

Nov 10, 2011

Undergraduate / 'MatheMe' - application-personal essay [4]

"This essay is about a line with just one point." ...Delete this. You should never directly say what your essay is about. Let the reader figure it out. It is more fun for them that way.

"With successive journey".. that doesn't really make sense. "With a successful journey," would be a better option. You should reword that whole sentence. Try not to use two synonyms right by each other. "...intersected different other lines.." is redundant. Use either different or other, not both.

You need to really read and look closely at a lot of the sentences. Not all of them are clear. Ask yourself "If I had no idea what this paper was supposed to be about, would I understand the meaning of it?". It's a little confusing. Try to clarify what you're saying better.

Keep working!

morr_j23

Nov 10, 2011

Undergraduate / Essay on why I am wanting to transfer (for a competitive application) [2]

"...but I didn't put any effort in schooling." Change the in to "into"

"Perhaps to my benefit, I did not gain admissions to any of the schools for which I auditioned and I was left with academic admissions to several schools where I would have been happy to study music, but virtually unable to seriously study anything academic." This sentence is way too long and wordy. Try something like "Perhaps to my benefit, I did not gain admission to any of the schools I auditioned for. However, I gained academic admissions to several schools where I would have been happy to study music, but was unable to seriously study anything academic." Something like that.

"I need a place where I can be challenged and find value in the courses I take; a place where I can have peers and opportunities to do research and experience physics first hand." This is not grammatically correct. Use a - instead of a ; to make it better. A semi colon is only used instead of a period. "A place where I can have peers and opportunities to do..." is not a complete sentence.

Other than those errors, I think it's a pretty good essay and gets to the point well. Good luck!

morr_j23

Oct 17, 2011

Undergraduate / 'we can grow and learn' - Babson Supplement - Letter to Roomate [3]

"After all our hard work during high school we finally made it into a school that is highly recognized for its academics and leadership preparation, that is why I am sure that we will receive all the tools that we need to build a successful future."

This is not a good sentence. If I were you, I would rearrange it to say something like "After all of our hard work during high school, it finally paid off by being accepted into a school that is highly recognized for its academics and leadership preparation. I feel confident that this will be the first stepping stone into the path for a successful future."

Also, check spelling. Be careful about run on sentences. Some of them are a little too wordy, such as "I moved to the United States on my last year of high school and had to adapt to a completely new environment, for this reason I am good at acclimating to a new place and I am always enthusiastic about meeting new people." Semicolons are a good thing! Periods are, too.. Try to use them more often.

And the ending should be:

Sincerely,
Your roommate

Other than those minor mistakes, it's a pretty good letter.

morr_j23

Oct 17, 2011

Undergraduate / 'She has been my mentor' - someone who impacted my life [5]

Topic: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Everyone has a person they consider to be their role-model, whether it is a famous sports star, an actress, or a favorite teacher. These people influence you and the decisions you make. The biggest influence in my life is someone often taken for granted but always there, no matter how bad things get: my mother, Teresa.

She comes from a long line of educators, whose goal was to teach the world one child at a time through kindness and wisdom. She was often known as the warm compassionate lady you go to if you were having a bad day. I can remember as a first grader, walking into her room, being embarrassed that she was consoling one of my classmates in a rocking chair, who had just taken a tumble down the slide during a rowdy session of recess. Not to say that her emotions effected her educating, though. She knew her purpose was to teach others and did her job well, but never missed an opportunity to demonstrate valuable life qualities along the way.

She was always the peaceful mediator between my brother and I. When we would argue about trivial things that we viewed as life or death situations, she would always come up with a solution that would appease us. If I could eat pizza for lunch, he could ride to town in the front seat. She would settle simple arguments in a way that most people would not have the patience to even bother with. She's one of the most compassionate people I know, and does not let anything discourage her. In times of tragedy, she has always been the unshakeable fortress that others cling to. Having to live through the loss of a brother and a nephew, she is resilient and knows exactly what to say and how to act to comfort others in times of need.

By being such an example herself, she makes me want to be a better person. She has been my mentor for the past 17 years and will continue to be my inspiration in life. She is a source of motivation and a refreshing reminder of a pure heart. She is my mother, my role model, and most importantly, my friend.