Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by _alan25
Joined: Nov 15, 2011
Last Post: Nov 23, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 15  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 17
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
_alan25   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A Promise Made' - review my UC Prompt#1 - the world you come from essay [6]

~
Your welcome, and no I don't think you're off topic. You wrote about the world you come from (born in India, family circumstances, school difficulties) which aptly covers your prompt. If anything, you might want to look into revising your conclusion.

"I will keep working hard to reach my goal which is to build a better life for future pillars through knowledge and innovation."

Try rewording this sentence in order to finish off with a stronger idea. Especially the word 'pillars,' it seems a bit out of place. Other than that, your essay is spot on.

~

If would really appreciate if you could give me your thoughts on my essay. Anything helps :)
(My mother has shaped and molded my life and has made an impact on me)
_alan25   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'nature verses nurture' - UC personal statement [5]

~
I agree with Blueshire, expanding on the idea of your mother will definetly help get your essay going in the right firection. You did great in describing your mother, but why don't you try expanding on effects she's had on you in other aspects of your life. (Besides your career choice)

"My mom's willingness to help my dad even after everything that had happened inspired me to possibly go into psychology."

Also, there is no need to trash out the effect your teachers have had on you. Perhaps try mentioning a specific instance or story about one of your teachers which affected you on a more personal, less generic level. I really hope this helps :)

Would you mind giving me your thoughts on my essay -> 'My mother has shaped and molded my life and has made an impact on me'

~
_alan25   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A virtuoso in teaching' - Commonapp "short answer" essay [5]

Thank you Shadglore, I appreciate your input on my essay. I will follow through with Shtickball corrections.

~
I can't tell whether I have completely mastered the art of teaching, but I can say with certainty that I have gained significant experience in the field.

Coming from an economically-disadvantaged background, I have not only spent the past decade of my life (not only ) helping children in my immediate community (of ) ages four to fourteen (in my immediate community to ) realize that they can break free from the traditional mold of failure and poverty, but also imbibing ( them with? ) moral virtues which will enable them fit perfectly into society.

In my life, some of my most gratifying moments have emerged from tutoring experiences with others. (When I get to see ) Seeing the look of understanding in these children's eyes, hearing that tone of pastiche in their voice, or learning of their high test scores, (my heart is warmed ) fills my heart with warmth . (The ) My gratification ( for me is ) comes from rising to the challenge of communicating a wide range of new concepts and ideas to people I know (and care for/about? ).

~
_alan25   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A Promise Made' - review my UC Prompt#1 - the world you come from essay [6]

You have something good here, I'm sorry if I seem too picky, but I wanted to give you the best help possible :)
Red - Delete. Blue - Add/change

~
...yes wide open. I was staring...
...object. I couldn't...
...the others, which, as if calling me, radiated it's light on me ... (It's right both ways, just an option)
...Back then, I was just 5 years old so there was no way...
...and eventually (nurture ) nurturing would help me change that dream into an aspiration...
...I was born in rural India(. India is ) , one of the most financially diverse countries in the word...
...reputable man and (was )a teacher...
...example (for not only ) not only for his family...
...but being (women ) a woman she had...
...Despite the odds because of her desperation and determination, my mother, became a teacher ... A bit odd, try this
...Despite the odds, through determination and hard work my mother became a teacher ...
...the sufferings of others around me, they...
...academics (as I had ) , a result of encouraging...
...studying subjects (that ) I wasn't (just )interested in...
...told me, "You are studying...
...for other subjects did, which...
...like the stars, I wanted to be at an...
...of others and realizing the unfairness inpresent the society...
~
_alan25   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the Dream Act represents hope' - Apply Texas Topic B- Issue of Importance [7]

Thank you so much :) I took your advice and added a few more personal ideas on the last paragraph. What do you think?

Personally, for me the Dream Act signifies an opportunity to one day give back to the country that has already given me so much- a free education, safety and security, and most importantly a place to call home. Unfortunately, legislation and passage of the Dream Act lays in the hands of other people. All I can hope for is that they will understand that in their hands, lies the future and potential of brilliant students who have never known a home other than the United States. So even if I lack that wonderful nine digit number that grants access to an unlimited number of doors, I am American, (and I know it.) ?? <--- Keep it or no?
_alan25   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I like cheese / architecture / Mali' - Notre Dame [11]

You just have to love the cheese one. Here are some points you might want to consider. You're essays are all splendid, this is just my take.

My last year of high school spent as a boarder acquainted me with (introduced me to) the beauty of community life, which has definitely played a part in my desire to attend Notre Dame. Having only (Limited to) online reviews and search engines to base my decision on, the one thing (factor?) that constantly (continually) stood out to me was the great sense of community that exists in the school (on campus).

As a prospective architecture major, I was also greatly attracted to the Student Association for Women in Architecture (SAWA) which will provide immense opportunities for me as a female architect in the future. Particularly as I hope to work in the housing sector in my home country of Mali, where there are very few people working in the (architecture) field, let alone females. Notre Dame's traditional and classical approach to architecture also drew me in as the majority of Mali's buildings are typical (similar) in the type of style . I am also confident that the low student-faculty ratio will also (redundant) be instrumental in helping me thrive.

I would love to one day eitherswim with dolphins or go bungee jumping. However, at the top of my bucket list is my desire to develop a housing project in Mali. As one of the poorest countries in the world, homelessness is one of the factors hindering our development; ever since I decided that I wanted to lead a career in architecture, this has been one of my goals.

My parents being Muslim as well as the presence of religion in my familyGrowing up with Muslim parents, as well as the presence of religion in my family have both made me want to someday make a pilgrimage to Mecca with my mother later on in life. Growing up as a "third-culture kid" has also, to a certain extent, alienated me from my culture and therefore motivated me to want to learn how to speak my grandfather's language, Sonrai, and one day be fluent in it.

Like I said, these are mostly unnecessary, but something you might want to look into :)
_alan25   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / First Day of high school; UC - EXPERIENCE [7]

Personally I think this is strong start to an essay that can easily go for a home run. I will assume your essay is about how you championed through even though it was a tough decision to stay away from drugs. A personal topic like this allows the admissions counselor to really get a strong grasp on what you stand for in regards to your morals, priorities, inner strength. Lastly, don't forget to tie it back to the long term effect/results you obtained from the decision you took. Hope this helps. lol (bump...)
_alan25   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the Dream Act represents hope' - Apply Texas Topic B- Issue of Importance [7]

Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation. Please give me your thoughts on it, any feedback will be appreciated.

~
Many people take it for granted because it has always been there, right next to their name. That nine digit number that identifies them as an individual part of a much larger whole. That whole is America. But I am not part of this whole, at least not legally. The difference is that I was born 400 meters south of the border, 400 meters that have hung above my head, 400 meters marking the difference between citizen, and undocumented immigrant. For me and 65000 other undocumented high school graduates, the Dream Act represents hope at the end of an otherwise uncertain future.

I was born in Mexico, exactly two blocks away from the nearest US port of entry. Less than year later, my mother left her homeland behind with hopes of giving her children the best opportunity to acquire an education. Twelve years of school designed to eventually prepare all students for their next challenge, college. For most students, this includes essays, applications, and most importantly, financial aid. Unfortunately for me, no citizenship means no financial aid. With no financial aid to support on, college expenses will quickly become an enormous burden on my mother. Although struggling to make ends meet, she has never once doubted that all of my brothers and I will go to college.

Approval of the Dream Act would lay the groundwork for several things. For example, it would allow thousands of undocumented immigrants like myself to not only go to college, but also attend college without emerging in a sea of debt. Moreover, only after completing college would "dreamers" also be given the opportunity to become legal citizens of the United States. This in fact, would allow a vast number of current undocumented college graduates willing to become productive members of society an opportunity to seek legal employment in the United Sates.

Unfortunately, legislation and passage of the Dream Act lays in the hands of other people. All I can hope for is that they will understand that in their hands, lies the future and potential of brilliant students who have never known a home other than the United States.

~Alan Melendez
_alan25   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'no longer being the baby' - UC prompt #1 [2]

Overall the essay is good although it does seem a bit off topic, you can try changing a few things.

Not only did she change my world but she also affected my aspirations and dreams. I enjoy her company so much and enjoy playing a role in a child's life that I now want to work with children in whatever profession I choose. The experiences I have had at home and at a childcare I volunteer for have pushed me towards working with kids.

This, I believe, is your prompt. If you can add to it and include deeper insight on the importance of your dreams and aspirations I think the essay will come full circle.

Also, try mentioning the effects your sister had at home after she was born (the world you come from- your family/home). I really hope this helps you.
_alan25   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'selecting Chemical Engineering' - UC (University of California) #1 [5]

Not until the end years of high school did I come to the conclusion that chemical engineering is the major for me.

This sentence sounds a bit odd, how about- However, it wasn't until the final years of my high school career that I came to the conclusion that chemical engineering is the major best suited for me.

In school, I excelled in science far above other subjects. This was thanks my personal qualities of thinking logically and possessing a boundless imagination-two things a scientist should have.

Thanks to my boundless imagination and innate ability to think logically, qualities indispensable to a scientist, I excelled in my science courses far above other subjects.

I Read articles on the latest technologies, watched sci-fi, enjoyed James Bond films, and went on the internet often. I believe my father is to blame, himself being a chemist for Arco. All of these factors helped shape my viewpoint that science is the way to a brighter future.

My father, himself being a chemist for ARCO oil company, also greatly influenced my interests. From reading scientific journals and researching on the internet to laying back and enjoying science fiction films. All of these factors helped shape my viewpoint that a career in science is the best way to a brighter future.

In selecting Chemical Engineering, I will get to

By selecting Chemical Engineering, I will get to...

These are a few corrections, but you have some great points to make :)
_alan25   
Nov 15, 2011
Undergraduate / My mother has shaped and molded my life and has made an impact on me [7]

This is my first time posting an essay, any feedback will be gladly appreciated so please don't hesitate to tell me if anything needs to be changed. Thank you! :)

​Confident, with the determination of a marathon runner, and ready to make her voice heard. Although today sees only her unrelenting fighting spirit, there was a time when her will was all but gone. Luckily, the day came, and she promised herself to never again let anyone belittle her or her children. Leaving her country, family, and home behind, she sought bigger dreams for her four boys in a new country.

​Starting from bits ans scraps, my mother took on the responsibility of both father and mother, and has worked her hardest to provide the best life possible for our family. It truly amazes me, watching her arrive home late after a long day of grueling work as a housemaid, yet always wearing a smile, ready to ask everyone else how their day went. Although we may not live in the best home, drive the newest car, or own the most expensive clothes, we have something many lack- a home filled with love, support, and compassion.

​Never once indulging in self pity, my mother has taught me the importance of tackling obstacles head on. Always with the certainty you can succeed as long as you're committed and are willing to go the extra mile. In turn, this idea has helped me understand the importance of constantly seeking to improve myself. Whether it's academically, socially, or even spiritually, it doesn't matter what's important is to set out and accomplish our personal goals.

​No doubt my mother has shaped and molded my life in tremendous ways. From enormous impact events like deciding to migrate to the United States, to the more subtle instilling of knowledge and importance of morality and respect. Her unselfish and loving attitude will forever stay with me as a role model, reminding me never to look down on anybody regardless of race, education, or wealth.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳