Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by amatsui19
Joined: Nov 18, 2011
Last Post: Nov 23, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 10  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 12
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amatsui19   
Nov 20, 2011
Undergraduate / Ski experiance/story-UC Personal Statement;prompt for all apps [2]

I think you should stick with you yourself climbing out. Personally, I think it goes with the essay more. Also try to tie in more information that addresses the questions of how this experience relate to the person you are today because it is a common mistake for applicants to disregard the importance of this part of the question. This is the main crucial part of the prompt since the admission office is trying to get to know you.
amatsui19   
Nov 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'run like a winner' - UC prompt #2 for UCLA [13]

Very good attention grabber to start out your essay! Like everyone else said, just work on the grammar errors because overall it's a well written essay.
amatsui19   
Nov 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'working extra hours at the store' - University of California [2]

I like the idea that you used for this essay. However, I would suggest executing this idea in your essay in a different way. I think you should introduce how you went to India much earlier on in the paragraph since that seems to be the main point of this essay. Don't generalize in your essay, but try to recall a specific event or day that was particularly memorable to you. In fact, if possible, I would just cut right into a specific moment in time when you observed the poverty in India in your introduction. And remember that you should tie into how did this experience relate to the person you are today, because as of right now... the essay is lacking answers that address this question.
amatsui19   
Nov 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My family puts me as their first priority' - UC PROMPT 1 [9]

I think you can omit the first three sentences of your essay. It'll become an attention grabber that way because the way it is structured right now, seems like you're answering the question so technically. Remember, the admission office is reading a bunch of essays for admissions and their first impression of the story is by its introduction.

If you take my advice. Omit "this little girl" and put "as an introverted little girl, I" instead.
amatsui19   
Nov 20, 2011
Undergraduate / Starting of a personal essay with a rhetorical question? [3]

I agree with Captainasian 167...
If possible, don't start out with a rhetorical question because your UC essays should start out as attention grabbers and typically, a question isn't an attention grabber because it leads onto a very general idea. Also, UC admission office wants to get to know you as much as possible by your essays so use this space wisely. For the introduction, I think they would prefer an impactful, compelling story about you or information about the kind of person you and how or what shaped you to be that way.
amatsui19   
Nov 20, 2011
Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: Intended Major Is Anthropology [3]

I think my 2 essays combined are like 13 words too long... so if you can shorten any redundant information for me, that'd be great! I kind of fell apart on the conclusion part... so that part might need more fixing. Thanks!

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

Nine years ago when I visited to Japan for the first time, I encountered my very first culture shock. Acting like how most Americans would hospitably greet a family member, I warmly embraced my grandfather at the train station. Little did I know that I just committed a culturally unacceptable act, though. Within seconds, half the passersby stared in shock with what I just did. I later learned that this is because in Japan, hugging is considered impolite, as is any other sort of physical contact because the societal standard is to be reasonably reserved. Alternatively, the conventional way to formally greet an elder is bowing since it is a gesture of respect.

Although I was severely scorned by my relatives for my lack of propriety, involving myself into this experience taught me to be open-minded about foreign concepts. I began to comprehend the differences between Western and Eastern cultures and realized how important it is to offend neither. Essentially, it enlightened me that culture plays a huge role in influencing people's behavior and mental constructs. It sparked my interest in the development of mankind and how social differences shift within a community to form an eclectic mix of nations in our world. This discovery of how cultures are established over the course of a nation's history intrigued me.

Because of my curiosity about cultural diversity, in high school, I joined the International Culture Club. My participation in this club challenged me to come out of my comfort zone to collaborate with other students with very different ethnic backgrounds. Many of the members were ESL students who struggled with the language barrier and were victims of being bullied on school grounds. I reached out to them, easing their transition into this new environment and would offer ideas to the Board to hold events that promoted culture exchange. As a domestic student, working with the ESL students on an intimate level encouraged me to develop a sense of unity among the student body.

Due to my engaging experience from this club, I solidified my passion for the study of human culture and knew that I wanted to seek a career involving working with people from a plethora of communities and regions. Although I initially applied as an International Studies major at UCI, I quickly learned that my major's academic work didn't consist of what I wanted to study because its primary focus is politics. Instead, I became fond of my anthropology classes that I took for general education. My favorite anthropology class, Global Cultures and Society, consisted of lesson plans that demonstrated an analytical approach to the psychological evolution of mankind and inspired me to reevaluate my perception of historical events as significant milestones in human relations. Completely changing my outlook on school, I no longer was merely memorizing notes from class, but instead school became a place for me to think critically about my interests. Everyday, I would look forward to attend to these lectures and be thrilled to gain a further understanding of humankind. With that said, I am certain that what I want to study is anthropology. To fulfill my goal in becoming a cultural anthropologist, I value the pursuit of a higher education at a top notch school like your university, where I'll be given additional resources to join remarkable research programs.
amatsui19   
Nov 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'never stopping and never having to settle' - What attracts me to Umich [3]

"I see the end of my college career as a research professor of mathematics and probably computer science, maybe even heading a department."

Don't put probably or maybe . Instead, try to sound more firm on your stance.

"I'm not sure what my partner discipline would be for research, but I would definitely have it figured out by the time I am ready to apply at Rackham."

This claim isn't really convincing. After "but"... try to write something else like how you plan on figuring on what to research.

Besides that, it's a well written essay. Good job! Judging by this essay, you seem to have a clear plan after you get into their university and the admission office will like that.
amatsui19   
Nov 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Limited access to art' - VCU admission/ Personal Statement [3]

There's a lot of proofreading that needs to be done. And I think instead of just saying art was always in you... try explaining how and when did your love of art first began? Note an anecdote and how has it influenced your artistic abilities, because the admission office wants to get to know you.

Here's a few of the corrections I made... although there's a lot more, but unfortunately I'm on a time constraint right now so I couldn't finish. Good luck!

While the birds I drew flew out to life...
but it never stopped me from trying
Instead of art and creativity are in me... How about something like...
I was born with the talent to create art.
I could sit for hours and draw nonstop.
Give me a pencil, I'll bring you into the paper
amatsui19   
Nov 19, 2011
Undergraduate / UC Prompt#1: The Power of Art and Additional Comments [4]

REVISED DRAFT I MADE!!!
I was also wondering if anyone thinks I should omit this information from my application since someone suggested me to do so. The reason why I included this in the additional comments is because I'm afraid the admission office will find contradicting information on other parts of my application. I had to write down my affluent father's income for the tax return part. But I also mention elsewhere that I have part time work and they wanted to know the earnings of my purpose and I stated it was to financially support my mother because she's unemployed.

Additional Comments (optional)
If you wish, you may use this space to tell us anything else you want us to know about you that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in the application.

So as to guard against any confusion about the financial relationship I have with my parents, I wish to clarify all that is significant to this matter. After my parents' divorce, I was raised by my single mother while my father issued payment for child support until I was the age of eighteen. Currently, my father pays me directly for my education and living expenses. However, he is no longer providing a source of income for my mother, which is why she needs my financial support.
amatsui19   
Nov 19, 2011
Undergraduate / UC Prompt#1: The Power of Art and Additional Comments [4]

I'd appreciate it if you guys can help proofread my writing for me. In addition, I'd also like to receive any constructive criticism and feedback that can help better my paper.

-------------------------
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I am an artist and I am proud to call myself one. This pride is not to boost my ego, but instead to glorify the positive impact that art has made in my life. Art has been my redemption from being led astray in life. To show my appreciation to art, I exemplify to others the allure of its power.

Art first seeped into my life when I was four years old, the age when I discovered that my mother was diagnosed with depression. Although I didn't understand what the term depression meant at that age, I knew that it wasn't good, judging based on the feeble physicality that my mother had and the large dose of medication she consumed on a daily basis. My mother's emotional instability consumed her and seeing her in agony, dissuaded me from having a psychological dependence on her, as I did want to add an additional weight to my mother's burden. Although she received treatment, her depression worsened over the following fifteen years due to the sequential deaths of eight of our pet dogs over a ten year period. Being raised in this parental circumstance has led me to have a missing active maternal figure.

To fill the void that this deficiency creates in my life, I have relied on art as a form of coping mechanism since childhood. Art listens to my problems with undivided attention and helps me deal with tribulation, misery, and failure by teaching me resilience and self-discipline. Whenever I come close to an emotional breakdown, instead of moping about it in my bedroom, I'd pick up my paintbrush, pencil, or camera and use my emotional drive as an outlet to create art. It becomes a practice for me to convert my negative energy into creating a beautiful piece of artwork. Art absorbs my input and helps me restrain myself from being overcome by feelings of rage and despair. After working on a project from minutes to days, I calm my mind while occupying myself with productive work. When my final product is complete, the pleasure I feel is so rewarding that it deflects the pessimistic feelings I initially had prior to the making of an art project.

Art plays an important role in my life because it has been my constant companion, stronghold, and guru through times of hardship. Although I've gained a lot from art, I believe that by creating art, I am also giving credibility to it in return. By placing my works in exhibitions, my art becomes a small contribution of encouragement to my community that demonstrates how one can turn struggles into triumph. With the collective works of diverse artists, I hope that viewers will appreciate the beauty in art and become inspired.

Additional Comments (optional)
If you wish, you may use this space to tell us anything else you want us to know about you that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in the application.

I want to clear up any confusions about the financial relationship I have with my parents. After my parent's divorce, I was raised by my single mother while my father paid for child support up until I was the age of eighteen. Currently, my father continues to pay for my education and living expense. However, he's no longer responsible for financing my mother, which is why she needs my financial support.
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