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Posts by watermark
Joined: Nov 21, 2011
Last Post: Dec 27, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 15  
From: Kenya

Displayed posts: 17
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watermark   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a sweet tooth for the independent life' -Describe One Activity [10]

Your essay is great. Your extra curricular activity is well explained and the essay is generally flowing well with very few mistakes. The essay shows a lot about you which is quite impressive.

I was hired at Cinnabon Bakery, where I was responsible...
Great job and good luck!
watermark   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'lying on the bed and reading a book' - MIT pleasure essay [6]

I also like the second essay. The first was more of not unique..comparably, the second essay has a great introduction which compels someone to read more. As it has already being said removing the "the's" will help reduce the number of words...

Great job and good luck!
watermark   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'close knit and diverse Colby family' - Why Colby? [5]

The essay is well related. That is :you show how Colby is bet fit for you and relate it to your own experience. The essay is well detailed with evidence from the school. That shows that you have done a lot of research. I also love the sense of humor that you create. This essay is very well done.

It has a few errors though:

Eventually, I want to create an experience wichwhich will...

Great job and good luck!
watermark   
Dec 24, 2011
Scholarship / 'A Beneficial Opportunity' - Housing scholarship [3]

Your essay need much reviewing to eliminate the errors. I like your story line which I find it much unique if you give more elaboration. You can talk about your need to reach out to the poor, unhealthy kids since this is your dream. Being a first generation student you can give more substance to this fact by explaining some disadvantages you faced that is if this will not exceed the word limit set.

Nice shot though. I hope I was not to tough on you. Great work.

Good luck.

watermark   
Dec 24, 2011
Scholarship / Bigger car engines? Nah, how about water engines? Cornell Essay! [3]

I love the essay. You are also brief and direct to the point and answering the questions as asked.

Nice introduction...makes me want to read more. It is well put but has just one error in the paragraph though.(...so that technology can be used asat its maximum...).

You can also check on this correction too.
..The oxygen could also be used to attach to other hydrogen ions left over, which would help continually supply the car with water to use.(I bet this is the end of the sentence.) Not only would this...

Good luck to you!
watermark   
Dec 23, 2011
Scholarship / 'different answers to the career interest' - Why Swarthmore essay [7]

Why Swarthmore?
Please write a brief statement telling us why you have decided to apply to Swarthmore in particular.

Ever since I joined high school, I have always given different answers to the career interest that I wish to pursue. I have interests ranging from Neuroscience, web design, computer engineering, aeronautical engineering to economics. I therefore wish to go to a college where I will have freedom to explore the multiple academic interests I have and also get the advice required from the professors and the students academic mentors. Swarthmore will offer me the platform to find where my career interest lies. I have also always desired to get into a college that not only greatly focuses on books but also gets me socially connected. Swarthmore will provide me an array of opportunities to venture into many clubs and organizations as the Black Cultural Center, where I will implement my desire to be socially active. The Phoenix or the Daily Gazette will be a great opportunity to express myself through writing and even drawing in the comics section. Coming from Africa, I will have a great chance to share my diverse experiences too. With people from diverse places, I will get to make new friends, learn more from them and also share my experiences with them. Being around great people with diverse interests is really exciting, since I will get the urge to learn from them too. Having fun is also a part of my interest in college. With the ever active athletic body in Swarthmore, I will have an opportunity to join varying sports and show my SWAT spirit by cheering for the Phoenix. This will help me grow both intellectually and socially. Through the study abroad programs and internship opportunities, I will further learn more and put whatever I have learnt into action.The trio-college consortium with Haverford and Bryn Mawr together with the cross registration with University of Pennsylvania will also offer me a chance to learn more through the many interactions with different people. Through the New York Cares, I will be able to give back to the the people who deserves it.
watermark   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "my family's first computer" - UC Prompt #1 How has your world shaped you? [6]

Hi,

Nice essay you have. It is answering the question correctly. No much grammatical errors. I have learnt a lot about you in the essay. The essay has brought out your traits really well. What you should change is the computer jargon you have used. It may be difficult for someone, who knows little about computers, to understand.

Keep up.
Success.
watermark   
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "design entrepreneurship" - Common App [3]

Hi Zainab,

I am quite impressed by the content of the essay. The uniqueness of the essay is what will determine whether the admission team will forever remember your essay or not. The art of learning how to braid hair is quite interesting. What about you explain how you would plait your grandmother hair and she would be mad at you since they were badly made. You never gave up and continued with the struggle to learn something new using the grass at the field imagining it is hair. What about, telling us how you managed to become good in that work and later at the age of 16 would go round the village or town, door by door, home by home doing your customers hair to different occasion. The money earned you can say you used it to fund for your shopping to school or buy school equipments like calculators. I believe that is great entrepreneurship and then at the end you can say that you learn t that you were really great at this sector. You were great in marketing your product and you aim to be a great investor in the future. This is just a prompt.

To make the story captivating, you can start with a dialogue or a funny statement..just to captivate the reader. Like for example, a dialogue between you and your grandmother where she is shouting at your nagging nature...

You can ask me any questions.

Regards,
watermark   
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'understanding economic and social laws' - Rice university [3]

Hi,
I am a new member and would request for anyone to please review my Rice University Essay onto the question: With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study.(2000 characters)

Any feedback will be highly appreciated.

'Wide spread poverty, misery and crises in many parts of the world are strong reminders that understanding economic and social laws can make an enormous contribution to the welfare of people.' Said Gary Becker. This quote reminds me of the problems ailing Africa. For change to happen a lot has to be incorporated in the mind of the one who is interested. The school of social science in Rice university will provide me an array of opportunities. Through the Gateway Program, I will have an opportunity to pursue research as an undergraduate where I can work as an assistant to a faculty research or make my own research which I may present at a national conference. I will also have access to many internship opportunities which will help acquire working experience. Through the international ambassadorship, I will get to explore the world and get more connections. This will help me build my leadership skills. Through the summer fellows, I will be able to take on summer internships all over the world; this will help open up opportunities and experiences. I will also have a chance to come up with projects aimed at solving today's challenges through the Global Urban Lab. The program will enable me to study and travel abroad and the findings I will get will be presented at a national conference. I will also have a chance to interact with leaders at Rice and beyond through the program. Having the opportunity to have breakfasts with distinguished guests is also quite amazing. It will enable me to interact with them and share with them brilliant ideas. This will also help build on leadership skills, traits that are highly required in our community today. The school offers a complete opportunity to combine my interests in varying courses and come up with my own major by providing numerous interdisciplinary studies and opportunities for students . Through all these, I will gain quantitative, analytical and leadership skills which will help me fight for change in the world.

Regards.
watermark   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Ghanaian smiles' - cultural experience supplemental essay [5]

I would also say that your essay is really interesting and capturing the reader's attention. The challenge however is that you have dedicated a small part to explain about the problem you faced. I guess you should add on the challenges. If you can work on that I bet that this essay can really communicate a lot about you.

There are some few mistakes however like:
...adaptations in my usual behavior and attitudes and know that I can quickly adjust to any culture anywhere...
it should be..
..adaptations in my usual behavior and attitudes and I know that I can...

Anyway..Good luck!
watermark   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / Letter to my room mate about my gaming hobby [6]

Do not forget to write in a letter format (according to me). It may be of great importance.
For example: You start with Dear Roommate...and end with.. Yours loving..or something like that.
Good luck..Murimi!
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