Undergraduate / "The Most Unusual Places" University of Washington Short Response: A [3]

Here is my supposed "finished" draft. Any suggestions?

1. Prompt: Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.

Who We Are
It is amazing the places that we meet the most extraordinary people in our lives. I don't generally consider myself a forward character, but every child feels that natural urge to talk to every person they come across. When I was young, I attended a science festival with my parents; I was not enchanted by the idea of sciences at that age, but that fair was so well designed to attract children to the subject that by the end of that day I had developed a great fascination to the mystery of physics and chemistry among others. They had speakers there, famous speakers, for every field imaginable-biochemistry, , nuclear physics, medicine, marine biology, astronomy-anything you could think of was represented by one person or another, but the one that enamored me the most was the talk about space, about aeronautics engineering and physics. One woman in particular can be given a large amount of credit for this love: Sally Ride.

She did not speak at this particular festival, no, but there I did get an amazing chance to meet her, in person, in one of the most unusual places-the bathroom. I have been told that when the festival was over, my family went together to the bathrooms, and I was the last one out. I had been too short at the time to properly reach all the way to turn on the sink. Luckily, a very nice woman was there at the same time as I was and she, being so kind, turned on the sink for me and waited until I was completely finished to turn it off as well. Now, being a child I possessed that urge to start a conversation with anyone and everyone who might listen, and this happened to be the lucky woman. Now, once you start a child going, it becomes very hard to end it. We began with the simple things-names, where you were born, what you like, what you do-and it turned out that we had a lot in common, at least to a small child like me, because we both loved science-regardless of the fact that I was fairly new to the subject, I had already decided that I loved it dearly. I came out of the bathroom skipping to my mom and dad, patiently waiting for me outside the door, and announced my exciting news: I had met this other girl who loved science (quite an accomplishment I felt). And then she followed out and my parents looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"Do you know who that is?" they asked.
And, with a smile stretching from ear to ear, I replied very matter-of-factly, "Of course I do. That's Sally. I met her in the bathroom."

Over the next few months I went to see her speak as often as I could; she announced a new science camp for girls that she was setting up where you could sign up for any and every discipline you wanted to learn about. Naturally, I was incredibly interested in such an opportunity. She was my idol, and I might get a chance to work right next to her-what little kid wouldn't love that.

That camp was one of the best experiences of my life. She helped me find a passion for something that I barely knew existed until then. Every time I heard her speak it only reinforced in my small mind that this is what I wanted to do with my life, study science. It intrigued me, invited me in with open arms; if there ever was one moment in a life that defines who we are when we grow up, then this was mine. It has never and will never change.

Undergraduate / 'My Dad's Illness Gave Me Inspiration' - UC Prompt #1 [25]

I just have two grammatical things for you. You can use them or not, up to you. :) But very nice work on this. You should be proud.

"My father is considered "physically disabled" (There should be no comma here) due to his struggles with bipolar disorder and an extreme case of fibromyalgia."

"He led me to believe that all the anger and ignorance that he showed resulted from disappointment-- (add a dash here to get rid of this fragment -->) a constant reminder that he was restricted from many things he wanted to accomplish due to his disabilities."

- You had these as two seperate sentences, but the second one is more of a fragment, so I would combine them.

I posted a new essay, check it out if you have time. :)

Undergraduate / 'My Dad's Illness Gave Me Inspiration' - UC Prompt #1 [25]

That's better, yes. I would get rid of the but though and make it two sentences combined with a semi-colon where the "but" is. :) But that's just my opinion.

Scholarship / 'continuously standing up' - Compose "Page 87" autobiography [9]

I didn't mean that the essay was confusing, I just meant that this sentence : "But I guess her concerns I finished all the marketin g plans and important documents I needed to do in the next few days already," Makes no sense because of the part that I highlighted. It looks as if you accidentally smashed two sentences together when there should have been two..?

Undergraduate / 'My Dad's Illness Gave Me Inspiration' - UC Prompt #1 [25]

I have one comment right now " but after what I've experienced with my father..."

The sentence about wishing for him not to ache any longer is kind of awkward and a little weird to read. Maybe rephrase it somehow more..naturally?

"I know that it may be too late to help my father,..."

Aside from those few grammar things, I think you made it better with that last paragraph. A definite improvement, alot clearer than it was I think. And those examples really help your case too. Much better. :)

Undergraduate / 'My Dad's Illness Gave Me Inspiration' - UC Prompt #1 [25]

I don't think it matters at all if it's a cliche. It's real, and it affects you, nobody cares outside of that.

Maybe, you could write about the effect it had a little more? It's not 100% necessary, but it definitely could make your case stronger. You could maybe get a little more specific about what kind of physical therapist? You could try to expand your last paragraph if you feel the need to edit it. But, at the same time, you're not supposed to know exactly how it affects you right at this moment of your life. Perhaps that's something that you'll find out as you go through school.

Maybe what it really means is that because of him, you feel you have a direction, and maybe that direction isn't 100% thought out or finished yet, but it's a start and it gives you a drive and something to work for. I think that maybe that is all the meaning you need right now. You're only a kid still anyways. :) No need to rush the meaning of life or anything.

Good luck!
Oh and I posted revisions of both my essays, in case you want to look over them at all. I'll check back later to see what you decided to do.

Undergraduate / "A Gift Given" - UC Freshman Applicant Personal Statement [3]

1. Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Revision #1. :) Let me know what works and what doesn't. Any criticism and advice is amazingly appreciated! Thanks for the help!

Art has always been a central part of my life, especially in the form of music. My mother tells me that I get my love of sound from my Grandfather, someone I unfortunately never had the opportunity to meet; I've intently listened to stories of late nights around the fire with the sound of a piano, elegant in the background, or of the jazz sound of a trumpet, delightfully laughing with joy.

With my first toddler step came my first piano lesson. As I grew older, lessons after school became harder, so naturally the solution came to mean morning lessons, seven o'clock in the morning. Once I was introduced, I was hooked; I tried every instrument that I could get my hands on-clarinet, saxophone, flute and piccolo, guitar, bass, percussion-I only regret not getting a chance to blow into a brass instrument. Then came fifth grade, and a new school; our band director came in the first day with a surprise: he had brought some people to play for us. That day I came home ten times more excited than the morning when I'd left and the first thing I'd said to my parents was, "I want to play the oboe." I grinned the biggest smile waiting in anticipation for their response. They never told me that I couldn't, or that I wasn't allowed to because it was too expensive a commitment for someone so young; instead they faced my request with brave encouragement. Their hope and their help was their greatest gift to me. Love this last sentence!

My oboe teacher used to say, as a joke to new parents, "Fair warning, reeds shall be your downfall! You should encourage your child to take up farming now so that way on their own in this career they'll at least be able to feed themselves." After spending seven years with him, I've finally learned what he meant. (I don't really know how to connect these two thoughts...any suggestions?) I have learned what dedication means-for myself and for my parents, and I have amazing respect now for what it takes to love something so much that there is no choice other than pouring your heart into it with everything you have. I love music, my life is full of it, but I also love learning and the value of an education. I have watched my parents work hard to support our family and me; I have watched my sister try to "catch up" to her older sister, working twice as hard as I ever did; I have watched my friends work impossibly hard on their school and their work. All of the people that I love and admire are the same people that push me and keep their eyes out for me; they inspire me every day to use maximum energy with everything I do.

This is my world and everything in it has helped me realize that hard work, whether it is for something you love to do or for something you have to do, will always reward itself. To combine music and school is my dream, a dream that took me until now to realize and know that it's real, I won't ever forget it.

Undergraduate / "It's As If We're Famous" University of Washington : Short Response B [5]

1. Prompt: Describe an experience of cultural difference, positive or negative, you have had or observed. What did you learn from it?

Here's my first revision. Let me know if it works! :) Thanks.
I decided to scratch the whole beginning, I think it feels stronger without it. :)

The summer before sophomore year, I went on a month exchange trip with eight other students from Sonoma County to Japan. In Tokyo, there's not much of a difference in living, ignoring the food and language-it's city life similar to San Francisco or New York with hundreds of thousands of people of all different races, not just Japanese. The cities like Hiroshima and Kyoto don't feel as interchangeable with American culture but, seeing as they are popular tourist destinations, they still attract a wide variety of peoples-Hiroshima being the place of the nuclear bombing, and Kyoto being known for it's spiritual destinations. Even in these cities, where people of different ethnicities are not "the norm" but not sparse either, we began to notice strange things like the eager waves from people we've never seen before and the excited whispered conversations off to our right and left. It's not something that I stopped to think about at the time, but looking back I realized that that was something different. It's not everyday that somebody gets excited when you walk down the street; it's as if they thought we were famous.

The last stop on our trip was the sister city of Santa Rosa: Kagoshima. Our first few hours there were nothing different than where we had been before; then that night my host family took me to a traditional summer festival and I noticed huddles of teenagers and children staring at me in awe and amazement as I walked past them. As their courage grew they would send a brave representative to approach me and ask for pictures with them, someone whom they've never seen or ever known, accompanied by the excited waves and smiles as if they'd been my best friend forever. It was bizarre and probably the weirdest experience of my life. Wandering around the town shops I saw t-shirts and other pieces of clothing decorated with American words and sayings, in the same way that American's have t-shirts and tattoos in Asian languages, among others. Only rather than being short "words of wisdom" like Hope or Peace, there would be random words and pictures with no connection to each other, or they would say things like "Be HAPy! I'm JEwis", spelling mistakes and all. After a while we realized no one had any idea what any of it actually sad, and it was really just an aesthetic thing.

I had never really stopped to considered that life, culturally, was so incredibly different country to country, that my life at home was so immersed in the international world. It is not unusual for me to know people form all walks of life-African, Asian, European-but the friends I made in Kagoshima were so proud to be friends with an American; they would show me off to everyone at school, around town, wherever they got the chance. It's so odd to think how other people don't have the same kind of exposure to life that I live and love. Everyone is fascinated with the things they don't know, but in Japan, I realized the true extent of that statement, and it was something that I was glad to learn.

Undergraduate / 'My Dad's Illness Gave Me Inspiration' - UC Prompt #1 [25]

Wow. This is so much better than when you first started. You really captured the emotional draw to it. And You definitely answered the prompt, no question. I'm sure you'll get in.

:) Great great job.

Undergraduate / "It's As If We're Famous" University of Washington : Short Response B [5]

Thanks so much! I'll work on it in the next day or so and repost it again! :)

Undergraduate / 'My Dad's Illness Gave Me Inspiration' - UC Prompt #1 [25]

Did you get a chance yet to read over my essay? I'm kind of stuck with how to fix it right now. Either one that I have would be amazing. :)

Scholarship / 'continuously standing up' - Compose "Page 87" autobiography [9]

The first sentence of your last paragraph makes absolutely no sense. It seems like maybe something accidentally got deleted and then pasted together? Just maybe look over it.

Also, on a stylistic point, I really like how you ended your last sentence mid-sentence. That was quite a creative idea. You're beginning worked really well also. You really encompassed the idea of starting on page 87. And I disagree with the idea that you should clarify the people because, if it were page 87, you wouldn't actually have to. But also, I agree with iruchan. You need to tell more about yourself I think. I didn't really learn much about you besides the fact that you sometimes speed, and your mother worries about you. Not exactly the best description of you I'm betting. ;)

Good luck on your essay! I hope you get in!

Undergraduate / 'My Dad's Illness Gave Me Inspiration' - UC Prompt #1 [25]

I have just two more comments.
First off, I was under the impression that the "I'm on top of the world" mood was a good one. But to me, the word "screamed" has a negative connotation. Were it mine, I might choose another word, not sure what, but something more playful and joyous.

Also, the part where you're talking about him trying to sleep, I am confused about this "And even if he tried," and what it's referring to. Is it referring to if he tried sleeping at night? Or when he was sleeping during the day? You may want to clarify that. And generally, when writing a formal essay, you should not do what I just did and start a sentence with "And."

Just some thoughts. :)

Undergraduate / "Do you like America or China?" - My life in a foreign country - UC prompt [4]

I don't exactly have the time to read it right this minute, but just on first looks, it looks a little long for the UC prompt. Remember, both essays combined have to be 1000 words or less, not each essay. Just make sure you keep that in mind. You may want to cut this one down a little bit, but that's up to you. :) Good luck.

Maybe I'll get a chance to read it later? I hope so.

Undergraduate / 'My Dad's Illness Gave Me Inspiration' - UC Prompt #1 [25]

I have one more technical thing:
In one of your last sentences you said "...and that is what makes me strive to be the person who anybody can come to in a time of pain." I don't know if it's actually correct, but it sounds more natural to my ear to change the who to whom which means a slight bit of rearranging.

"and that is what makes me strive to be the person to whom anyone can come in a time of pain." If it were me, I'd also change pain to grief. I don't know if that's the correct way to rewrite it, but that's the direction I would take.

And I do think that you emphasize your aspirations. The story is required to lead up to that. In my opinion at least, you have one of the stronger essays that I've read so far. It's so well written, and emotionally invested. You put yourself out there and show that you have a reason and a drive. I think you did an amazing job. you might try to have a teacher or someone else read it as a second opinion, but I think you did a wonderful job incorporating that. It proved pretty difficult in my opinion, more than I thought it would be at least. You have a lot of heart and it definitely shows in this piece. But I would recommend trying to have a teacher read it, or maybe another adult, with wiser eyes. :) It might be helpful.

Undergraduate / 'Voluntering at a hospital, the fine arts' - Rutgers Essay [3]

Third sentence there is a grammar mistake: "...they would lose sight of who they are just to fit into the popular crowd. " I know you're trying to make a statement by reusing the word establishment, but I don't think that it's the right word to do that with. It's...too long maybe? But it could work I suppose.

The next sentence not part of that pattern: "Due to the large amount of cultural references made on television, movie screens, and novels, these were the first ideas that came to mind when I thought of it." I had to read about 4 times before I kind of understood what you were trying to say, I think. Maybe you could rephrase it? Because the things you pointed out earlier, I don't think are examples of "cultural references". You could maybe pose the sentence like "These were the only things I knew about it from watching television and movies and reading books; these were the first things that came to mind and I was scared." etc.

The next part where you talk about what would happen, I think you should make it more hypothetical. Instead of "I would make no friends, gain more weight than I already had, and do terribly with my grades." you could say "I saw this overweight kid who had no friends and horrible grades." And maybe combine it with the sentence prior: "I hadn't even taken the first steps into that monstrous institution and I already felt that I would dread the next four years of my life: I saw this overweight kid who had no friends and horrible grades."

Also, in the next sentence, "I was content with my grades, I lost a tremendous amount of weight,..." are all fragments. You should take the same style as I suggested in the previous, except maybe put a "-" instead of a colon and combine it with the previous sentence. I also don't think you should use the word "suppositions;" it makes you sound like you just went to the thesaurus and picked a word that sounded smart. It incapacitates you in a way that you don't seem like you are.

In your second paragraph, scratch the first sentence. You just said in your last sentence of the first paragraph that your volunteering would be a great asset, don't get reiterate it so soon. Just start with your second sentence. I don't understand the part about assisting with the mechanics of the facility, it's too confusing and random. Why did that experience want to make you help people, how did it bring about that intriguing feeling? You need to make sure that's part of it, otherwise it's not really an asset, it's just a statement. There's no emotional connection to it. And also, you last sentence should say "all OF Rutger's branches."

In your third paragraph, "I have played percussive instruments from ever since fifth grade, sang in chorus and for other events since the seventh grade, and participated in theatrical productions on multiple occasions." scratch the "from" in the first couple words. I would also rewrite this sentence: "I attempt to take all performing arts extracurricular activities because it has always alleviated my stress and helped me focus throughout the school years." Perhaps more like "I take every art class and activity that is offered to me because it has given and will always give me a sense of relief." The next sentences also lack that emotional response. Art is not, in my opinion, a social class. It is the wrong word and gives too much a feeling of rigidity and lacks the feeling of creativity. I also dont think that you should say you want to broaden your horizons in that field necessarily, but more continue with it because it is something that you love. Something you love has to embody that passion, you have to make the reader FEEL it. They have to see that the love you bring for the arts is something they want, not just something that you want to do to fill extra space.

In your last paragraph, I would say "...but also to assert my opinion and let my voice be heard, something that comes from my American culture." instead of what you wrote in your third sentence or so. You already started with the fact that your culture would be an asset at Rutger, don't end the same paragraph with it as well. Too...repetitive.

On your last sentence, you need a stronger last thought. maybe add this "...but those moments are the ones that brought about the greatest changes within me, the changes that made me who I am and wish to be."

Overall, your essay has a good start, but like I said earlier, in my opinion, your essay lacks that emotional response that makes you stand out. You sound very formal, even when you talk about something so passionate as art. You need to find a way to harness your passion and pull it in. It is such an important part of it all, and it's something that nobody can tell you how to do. Read over your essay again, and try to put in your own personal thoughts and reactions and opinions. Expand on the simple things that hold the greatest pleasure for you like how your volunteering has inspired you, or why you want to be in arts at Rutger, and how your culture is something that you're proud of, and you want to show off. Don't hold back, just let you be you. :) I guarantee you, you're essay will become stunning.

good luck! I hope you get in to Rutger.

Undergraduate / 'a fascination with people' - UC admission [5]

I haven't read your essay yet, and I will, but a comment on your question about your mental illness:
An essay like that might seem like a dangerous move, but if it is a very well written, carefully thought out essay, I don't feel that it would make you seem weak at all, especially if it is something that caused you to find a passion for something else, which I don't know that it did. My friend has a hormonal disorder, and it causes her to get awful acne, I mean awful, and she had to get medication and it ended up causing scars covering her entire body. And not little inconspicuous scars, really really noticeable scars. She wrote her UC essay on that, and alot of people told her that it was not a smart move and that it was too weird, but her essay was beautiful. It was so well written, that no one cared what it was about.

If you can pull off an essay that talks about that with amazingly strong writing, no one should consider you weak; not many people would be able to do that. At least that's my opinion.

After all of your questions in the second paragraph, I would scratch the following sentence: "These questions in my head might have led me to an interest in psychology if I did not grow up with so many people with diverse identities." It's not necessary.

This is just a personal stylistic preference but I would rearrange this sentence "My goal in this life is to understand what makes people do what they do, and anthropology has been my source for understanding since I was young and learning why people spoke different languages to now, when I analyze why different groups sit together in the cafeteria." to look more like this:

"My goal in this life is to understand what makes people do what they do and speak how they speak, starting from my childhood community to now in my own school cafeteria; anthropology has been my source for this since I was young and I believe it always will."

i love your last sentence, it is amazing (Except you used the wrong "to". You used "too" and it should only have 1 "O"). But, I'm not quite sure about the last paragraph as a whole. It is not as strong as the rest of the essay and it just doesn't fit. I'm not quite sure what advice to give you on how to change that, but maybe it has to do with just the first two sentences. Perhaps rearranging them or adding something would make them stronger? Right now I'm just not sure.

Great job and Good luck! :D

Oh and after reading your essay, I think if you decided you wanted to write your essay about your mental illness, you could definitely make it stunning. I don't think there would be any thoughts of you being weak because of it. Your writing is beautiful. in fact, I think I could really benefit from your help on my essay...it kind of needs it.

Undergraduate / 'My Dad's Illness Gave Me Inspiration' - UC Prompt #1 [25]

You had a small grammar error (you repeated a thought in the same sentence) in your third sentence.
- "Normally, a daughter would take these normally take to heart , but to me it was just like any other day."
- Change: "Normally, a daughter would take these normally take to heart, but to me it was just like any other day."

- "It wasn't because of the constant belittling remarks he made or the lack of love he showed." <--This sentence is actually a fragment, I think. I would recommend combining it with the sentence following it. " ...lack of love he showed; he had to know..." etc.

- In this sentence: "my dad has been the dad everyone in my class wanted and that I was so lucky to have" at the beginning of your second paragraph sounds odd because your verbs don't particularly agree, in my opinion. I think you should either say "my dad had been..." and "and that I have been so lucky to have" OR change it to "my dad was..." and "and that I had been..." I would do this because "has been" is technically past tense but says something more like it was a very recent change, which if that's what you're going for it's the better option. The other "he was" and such, says something more like it happened earlier and was not so recent. I would go with the second option because the rest of your paragraph seems to follow that feeling more closely.

-"He would be in that "I'm on top of the world" mood and then suddenly he would stop yelling and screaming and throwing things for reasons no one understood." the part that's highlight, is that supposed to say "he would start yelling"? Because otherwise, it's confusing and you should make it clearer that the "I'm on top of the world" feeling is a bad thing...which doesn't sound right. ;)

- "I would hear him scream and curse in his sleep, never escaping pain and fear, even with his eyes closed." I put a comma in between the two highlighted words.

- I would combine these two sentences: "But my dad did something that impacted my life greatly immensely. He gave me the drive to become a physical therapist." And don't ever start a sentence with "But". Maybe rewrite it like: "My dad did something though that immensely impacted my life: he gave me the drive to become a physical therapist." You cannot put greatly immensely right next to each other, it's just not allowed. Also, I would combine them because the second sentence is like an afterthought explaining how he impacted your life.

- Your last paragraph was so strong! The one thing I would suggest is that you maybe reword the last few words. They just don't feel as strong as the rest of it. Although repeating yourself isn't good, sometimes it can add strength to the sentence if it feels on purpose. Like word that sentence like "knowing that someday I'll help somebody with some part of their life." (I would leave out the gender definition because it just doesn't fit as well.

Fell Free to take or not take anything I have to say. I think your essay is amazingly inspiring by the way, and very well thought through. Great job and good luck!

If there's any chance you'd be willing to look over my essay as well, I'd really, truly appreciate it. It's still in it's very rough phases, but it definitely needs some help. :) And let me know if you have any questions on my last comment. I know it's kind of a lot.

Undergraduate / 'mom was born in Russia and my father in Ukraine' - UC I the world I come from [2]

The way you start your second paragraph, "I am tempted to write in great detail about my travels throughout the US and Europe" makes it sound like you were going to do this, but thought of something that was more influential than that. Except, you actually did write about your travels and the cultures. So, in light of this, I think that "tempted" is the wrong word choice. Maybe you could start with a sentence more concrete. You could even just cut out the first sentence all together, and alter the first couple of words to be more clear about what you're talking about so that maybe it starts like "I was in love with each and every place we lived mostly because of the rich history (and then I would rearrange this)-->presented by each and the diverse peoples who lived there.<--(I did this because "natives" sometimes can have an odd connotation depending on your reader.)

- Things in Blue = commentary/reasoning
- Things in red = things I changed

Letters / 'Miss Grace Green' - Recommendation letter for graduate admission(EE) [3]

I don't have time to read and edit the whole thing right now but one thing I saw quickly was:
"I have directed her on some programs so that I think I am in a strong position to say something about this promising student."

Change it to say:
I have directed her on some programs so I believe I am in a strong position to say something about this promising student.

Just a thought. Feels more professional.

Essays / Question about headers in MLA format college essay? [8]

Sometimes they have examples of past essays if they have a specific format they want. Just kinda check online. Or if its for a specific college, email the undergrad admissions officer; they tend to be incredibly helpful.