beckyloo94
Nov 29, 2011
beckyloo94
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'can anything ever be this good again' - UC 1 [8]
I like the addition about your great-uncle, that makes it very personal.
Still some grammer errors, don't forget about those!
and the last sentence I don't think is necessary at all, I think the one before it is a perfect ending, maybe consider adding "wonderful" role models or some other discriptive word.
I like the addition about your great-uncle, that makes it very personal.
Still some grammer errors, don't forget about those!
and the last sentence I don't think is necessary at all, I think the one before it is a perfect ending, maybe consider adding "wonderful" role models or some other discriptive word.
beckyloo94
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / UC personal essay #2, overcoming shyness [4]
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, acccomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Throughout my life, I have always been known as the quiet, shy girl. When I got to high school, this didn't change; in fact, it got worse. I didn't know many kids, was often withdrawn, and hardly ever spoke in class unless it was absolutely necessary. Any sort of public speaking, from answering a question in class, to the dreaded presentations in front of everyone I didn't know, was enough to send my head reeling and my heart beating so fast it felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. I realized that I didn't want to have to go through my last two years of high school like this, constantly worrying that my teacher was going to call on me, eating a quick lunch so I could go back and hide among the bookshelves in the library, and not enjoying school.
After the first semester of my junior year, I learned about a part of the Boy Scouts called Venturing, which includes both boys and girls around my age. After a first meeting with the local Venture crew, I decided to join. I quickly got to know the people in my crew and soon considered them friends. As I spent more time around them, I grew more confident, and, surprisingly, accepted the position of Vice President of Communications. I began to enjoy school more, and found myself feeling more comfortable engaging in casual conversations with my peers, and even asking questions in class. The crucial moment where I realized how much I had changed happened during a campout with my crew and many other crews from around California. One morning during announcements, someone held up the bandana that I had dropped the night before. The "tradition" is that a person who loses something has to sing "I'm a little teapot" in front of everyone. When it was my turn, I walked up to the front with loads of encouragement from my crew, sang, and did the motions to the song in front of dozens of people I had never met before. After I finished, I jogged back to where my crew stood with the biggest smile on my face, high-fiving my friends, because I knew that just a year before I would never have done anything so radical, and I had truly conquered my fear. Now that I understand what I am capable of accomplishing, so many doors have opened, and nothing will hold me back from reaching my goals.
I've already gotten this checked by a couple people, but I would appreciate more feedback before I submit it, thanks!
And if you could check my other essay, titled My pet, that would also be great!
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, acccomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Throughout my life, I have always been known as the quiet, shy girl. When I got to high school, this didn't change; in fact, it got worse. I didn't know many kids, was often withdrawn, and hardly ever spoke in class unless it was absolutely necessary. Any sort of public speaking, from answering a question in class, to the dreaded presentations in front of everyone I didn't know, was enough to send my head reeling and my heart beating so fast it felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. I realized that I didn't want to have to go through my last two years of high school like this, constantly worrying that my teacher was going to call on me, eating a quick lunch so I could go back and hide among the bookshelves in the library, and not enjoying school.
After the first semester of my junior year, I learned about a part of the Boy Scouts called Venturing, which includes both boys and girls around my age. After a first meeting with the local Venture crew, I decided to join. I quickly got to know the people in my crew and soon considered them friends. As I spent more time around them, I grew more confident, and, surprisingly, accepted the position of Vice President of Communications. I began to enjoy school more, and found myself feeling more comfortable engaging in casual conversations with my peers, and even asking questions in class. The crucial moment where I realized how much I had changed happened during a campout with my crew and many other crews from around California. One morning during announcements, someone held up the bandana that I had dropped the night before. The "tradition" is that a person who loses something has to sing "I'm a little teapot" in front of everyone. When it was my turn, I walked up to the front with loads of encouragement from my crew, sang, and did the motions to the song in front of dozens of people I had never met before. After I finished, I jogged back to where my crew stood with the biggest smile on my face, high-fiving my friends, because I knew that just a year before I would never have done anything so radical, and I had truly conquered my fear. Now that I understand what I am capable of accomplishing, so many doors have opened, and nothing will hold me back from reaching my goals.
I've already gotten this checked by a couple people, but I would appreciate more feedback before I submit it, thanks!
And if you could check my other essay, titled My pet, that would also be great!
beckyloo94
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'can anything ever be this good again' - UC 1 [8]
You have a good start, don't give up! Here's what I noticed/recommend:
Take out the "even" before "family dog," it doesn't seem necessary.
I really like the first paragraph, you did a good job of showing instead of telling, and that's great.
One thing I would take out is the "You see" part. You don't want to address your reader directly like that.
There are a few grammer mistakes, but since its your first draft, you probably already know that.
You have a good start, don't give up! Here's what I noticed/recommend:
Take out the "even" before "family dog," it doesn't seem necessary.
I really like the first paragraph, you did a good job of showing instead of telling, and that's great.
One thing I would take out is the "You see" part. You don't want to address your reader directly like that.
There are a few grammer mistakes, but since its your first draft, you probably already know that.
beckyloo94
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the sad fate of a man struggling to survive' - UC All Applicants Prompt (#2) [9]
A few tiny things, otherwise, very good essay!
Christmastime is one word, I believe
I'm assuming the first paragraph took place in China based on what you said in the last paragraph, but it just kind of confused me when you mentioned China in the last paragraph.
A few tiny things, otherwise, very good essay!
Christmastime is one word, I believe
I'm assuming the first paragraph took place in China based on what you said in the last paragraph, but it just kind of confused me when you mentioned China in the last paragraph.
beckyloo94
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a wrestling team' - UC APP Prompt #2 [2]
This essay shows and describes rather than just telling, and that's really good.
"As I reflected on what was happening, I realized that the practices were not becoming easier because our coach was letting up on us. I also realized that I was not doing better in matches because the opponents were getting worse. The reason, for my improvement was due to the fact that I had conditioned myself so that every time that I felt like I could not go any further and every I lost, I realized I needed to be better next time. I pushed my body to train harder and become stronger and more dedicated."
This part, the beginning, was a bit confusing. It also seemed a little repetitive because you said that in the sentences before too. I really like how you do a lot of "showing" though, and that makes it an overall strong essay.
This essay shows and describes rather than just telling, and that's really good.
"As I reflected on what was happening, I realized that the practices were not becoming easier because our coach was letting up on us. I also realized that I was not doing better in matches because the opponents were getting worse. The reason, for my improvement was due to the fact that I had conditioned myself so that every time that I felt like I could not go any further and every I lost, I realized I needed to be better next time. I pushed my body to train harder and become stronger and more dedicated."
This part, the beginning, was a bit confusing. It also seemed a little repetitive because you said that in the sentences before too. I really like how you do a lot of "showing" though, and that makes it an overall strong essay.
beckyloo94
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I am a cancer survivor.' - UC Prompt #2 [8]
While the first sentence is simple and basic, I think for your essay it works well to come out straight with the point. One thing that the readers will look for is showing, and not just telling. I would advise for you to go into a little more detail and really describe what going through all the treatment was like, because you want to pull on the heartstrings of the reader a bit. Also expanding a bit on how you are stronger and more determined by describing some examples of how will make this a stronger essay.
While the first sentence is simple and basic, I think for your essay it works well to come out straight with the point. One thing that the readers will look for is showing, and not just telling. I would advise for you to go into a little more detail and really describe what going through all the treatment was like, because you want to pull on the heartstrings of the reader a bit. Also expanding a bit on how you are stronger and more determined by describing some examples of how will make this a stronger essay.
beckyloo94
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "I was once a small seed" UC PROMPT #1 [9]
This is a really good essay. I like how you use the comparison to a tree throughout which helps bind it together will. Two things to change: the activities you listed like tennis and an internship shouldn't be capitalized. I know thats kind of nit-picky... Also, I would expand a little bit on the last part about being a Sequoia, and explain a little more about how you are going to be like one. Otherwise, great job!
This is a really good essay. I like how you use the comparison to a tree throughout which helps bind it together will. Two things to change: the activities you listed like tennis and an internship shouldn't be capitalized. I know thats kind of nit-picky... Also, I would expand a little bit on the last part about being a Sequoia, and explain a little more about how you are going to be like one. Otherwise, great job!
beckyloo94
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'helping people has always been my passion' - UC [8]
This is a well-written essay. My only advice would be to be more specific in your examples, and possibly narrow your essay down into fewer points, dedicating space to describe the things in more detail.
This is a well-written essay. My only advice would be to be more specific in your examples, and possibly narrow your essay down into fewer points, dedicating space to describe the things in more detail.
beckyloo94
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'unusual rabbit' - UC Essay #1 My pet [3]
Describe the world you come from - for example, you family, community, or school - and tell how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I've always had one dream for my future, and this dream is what has always kept me going in school throughout the years. Ever since I was a young child, just learning to read, I have wanted to be a veterinarian. I didn't grow up on a farm and I didn't have a household full of pets, but I was always curious about nature and animals and very eager to learn about them. I absorbed facts from the books I read, from the placards on the cages of animals in the zoo, and could never get enough information to satisfy my inquisitiveness about the living creatures around me. Nothing could be done to satisfy my insatiable curiosity for animals, and my parents always supported and encouraged me throughout my school years. They have helped me immensely with schoolwork and never let me give up when they knew I could do better. Even so, the one who could raise my spirits no matter what was going on in my life and taught me far more than I ever would have expected was a rabbit I named Whiskers. This tiny bunny that could easily fit into my seven-year-old hands taught me the value of having a creature so small trust and rely on me completely. I fed him, pet him, and cared for him dutifully every day, and he, in turn, blossomed into a loyal and trusting rabbit, with the kind of qualities most often seen in dogs. He would come when I called his name, and didn't mind being held and carried around, unlike most rabbits who will struggle to get away. This unusual rabbit gave me even more reasons to want to become a veterinarian as I continued to care for him until the day he died. That sad morning, I began to question if I could really handle being a veterinarian, and I lost sight of my dream during my middle school years. Nevertheless, the desire to take care of animals never truly left me, and it stayed somewhere in the back of my mind until I was ready to continue to pursue the path that I believe is meant for me.
(I don't know what to write after this, but I feel like I am missing a crucial last sentence that sums it up, like: The impact that the rabbit named Whiskers left on me... Please help!)
Thank you in advance for reading and commenting!
Describe the world you come from - for example, you family, community, or school - and tell how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I've always had one dream for my future, and this dream is what has always kept me going in school throughout the years. Ever since I was a young child, just learning to read, I have wanted to be a veterinarian. I didn't grow up on a farm and I didn't have a household full of pets, but I was always curious about nature and animals and very eager to learn about them. I absorbed facts from the books I read, from the placards on the cages of animals in the zoo, and could never get enough information to satisfy my inquisitiveness about the living creatures around me. Nothing could be done to satisfy my insatiable curiosity for animals, and my parents always supported and encouraged me throughout my school years. They have helped me immensely with schoolwork and never let me give up when they knew I could do better. Even so, the one who could raise my spirits no matter what was going on in my life and taught me far more than I ever would have expected was a rabbit I named Whiskers. This tiny bunny that could easily fit into my seven-year-old hands taught me the value of having a creature so small trust and rely on me completely. I fed him, pet him, and cared for him dutifully every day, and he, in turn, blossomed into a loyal and trusting rabbit, with the kind of qualities most often seen in dogs. He would come when I called his name, and didn't mind being held and carried around, unlike most rabbits who will struggle to get away. This unusual rabbit gave me even more reasons to want to become a veterinarian as I continued to care for him until the day he died. That sad morning, I began to question if I could really handle being a veterinarian, and I lost sight of my dream during my middle school years. Nevertheless, the desire to take care of animals never truly left me, and it stayed somewhere in the back of my mind until I was ready to continue to pursue the path that I believe is meant for me.
(I don't know what to write after this, but I feel like I am missing a crucial last sentence that sums it up, like: The impact that the rabbit named Whiskers left on me... Please help!)
Thank you in advance for reading and commenting!