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Posts by saurabh93
Joined: Dec 15, 2011
Last Post: Aug 25, 2012
Threads: 11
Posts: 94  


Displayed posts: 105 / page 3 of 3
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saurabh93   
Jan 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'That special someone is my MOM' - THE PERSON I ADMIRE [4]

This is nicely written.

There is one time that I wanted something really bad but she said no and told me that "want" is different from "need".

-- I like this

Can you look at my questionnaire? Thanks!!
saurabh93   
Jan 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'joined the band in the fifth grade' -Childhood experiences that improved self esteem [6]

These childhood memories enhanced my self esteem because it gave me a great appreciation for music and the arts. I was also given the ability to have confidence in my abilities and it has given me the drive to complete everything in life I set out to achieve. I am thankful for these two people and for the person they have helped me become.

Other than that, very good
Can you look at my questionnaire?
saurabh93   
Jan 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'more and more exhibitions and sculptures appearing in public' - IELTS Essay [5]

Art is the outcome of individualism in lieu of collectivism, which implies that art can only be appreciated by certain groups of people. Therefore, there are accusations against the attempts of government to support art projects financially when the money can be spent in other public services. In my opinion, it is beneficial to augment spending for public art projects.

Otherwise this is great
Can you look at mine if you can? Thanks in advance!!
saurabh93   
Jan 23, 2012
Undergraduate / (My exploration / Autism) - UC Essays Review [2]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Mr. and Mrs. Shah, we need to talk about your son," the Stanford psychologist explained as my parents began to look anxious. "After 15 hours of thorough examination, we have concluded that Saurabh is diagnosed with high-functional autism."

On that hot summer morning in 1999, I initially did not know how to respond to that grim sounding claim. I was only a naïve 5 year old, occupied with a toy train set. On the other hand, my parents were dismayed with the result, and felt that I would remain academically and socially incapable for the remainder of my life. But they had no idea about the dramatic change they would witness in me for the next decade. I transformed noticeably in academics and social thinking, while reaping valuable life lessons during my journey.

But the answer did not strike me quickly. As an elementary school student, I excelled in academics, yet I met social challenges. I behaved noticeably different, and was constantly reprimanded by my teachers. My peers isolated me more frequently than other peers. I even had to transfer to a special education program. I constantly wondered what it meant to be autistic, and what accounted for the negative attention I received and the lack of change.

Only in middle school did I realize that there is a possibility for change, but it can only come through personal efforts. I had to look around me for opportunities, and inside me for strengths. Exploration was the key to my exposure to the world and ultimately my development as an individual. One such opportunity arose when I participated in a sixth grade Greek melodrama production. I was only given a few lines, but I was able to perform in front of an entire audience. Moreover, I made eye contact and appeared confident, and displayed no signs of awkward activity. I also participated in a competition where I recited Sanskrit shlokas, or verses, from Hindu religious text. Sanskrit is a language filled with difficult pronunciations, yet I memorized them and won first place. From these two events, I learned that I have the ability to showcase my talents and let the world know that I am a different individual beneath the façade of autism. I came to the realization that I can control my behavior and participate in new experiences at the same time. This led me to strive for more opportunities where I can discover who I truly am and what I have the potential to be.

In high school, my progress has led me to become the campaign manager for a mock election of a school wide project hosted by my AP Government class. I have also been volunteering at the El Camino Hospital every week, further fashioning my interaction skills with visitors, the sick, and the elderly.

My exploration not only made me more sophisticated but also altered how I view autism. I have heard stories of famous autistic people such as Temple Grandin who have climbed up the societal ladder by simply finding where their true passions lie and acting upon them. Struggles serve as groundbreakers for bringing about momentous change, even if one only seeks to know why they have them in the first place. I initially wanted to be viewed as an equal with my peers, yet I confronted barriers because of my limited social awareness. My individual progress began when I found occasions where I can discover who I truly am [awkward tense]. Continuing with this principle, I hope to find a career where I have the room to improve and excel. Over the last few years, I have begun to look at autism as more of a boon than a burden.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are? I swam in only a few competitions in my entire life, yet I consider swimming to be a major building block of my individuality. I am an atypical swimmer because my principal aim was not to outwit others but to outwit myself. In other words, I chose to swim to clear an obstacle in my personal life.

As an autistic individual, I often struggled to meet etiquette standards both at home and at school. I needed to find an avenue where I could work on polishing my conduct and motivation, and not rely on the frequent prompts from my parents and staff. I chose swimming because I also wanted to work on controlling my habitual body fidgeting that was annoyeding me and my parents.

With autism, body coordination development is a slow and painstaking process. While it remains stagnant, focus does not. Over the six years that I have practiced swimming, my strokes have improved and became stronger, because I put my mind to the strokes. To propel myself, I had to coordinate my arms and legs in harmony. The keys to coordinating the arms and legs are focus and the motivation to persevere.

The improvement was evident in the constant trimming of the lap timings and my coaches' compliments. Although my progress is not remarkable relative to those of others, it has embedded inside me an urge to focus and possess intrinsic motivation. I learned that no matter what obstacle lies in front of me, there is a way to conquer it, and that is being in the right mindset by focusing on what matters. If I wanted to improve my body coordination, I had to commit vigorously to swimming, and persevere despite having dissatisfying results. Swimming is not only a means of competition, but also a means of self-development.

After the short-term satisfaction of beating the clock had winnowed down, I carried with me the long-term satisfaction that I could refrain from fidgeting, and pay more attention to my schoolwork. These results did not in anyway reflect the occasional repetition of levels and the letdowns I had from being last place. They are attributed solely to the level of dedication I placed in swimming. Because of swimming, I have grown as a more independent and motivated individual.

The UC Deadline was a long time ago, but I am still nervous about its quality to this day, and so I would like honest feedback!!
saurabh93   
Jan 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / Essay on the plight of children in Sub-Saharan Africa [4]

We need to help show these youthful children that someone loves them. We need to show them that even though they may be facing one of the hardest and most controversial times of their lives, there are people who care about them. One way that this love can be expressed is through adoption .

Good so far. Can you look at mine?
Thanks!!
saurabh93   
Jan 27, 2012
Scholarship / 'there are going to be tough times in life' -Internship Essay [3]

Well written, but I don't think it addresses the prompt too well. It asks for the general background, but you are only mentioning one incident. And you can make a better link between your mother losing your job and your interest in the field.

Can you look at mine? Thanks!
saurabh93   
Jan 27, 2012
Essays / Internet Censorship (pros and cons) Ryerson Essay [2]

Of course, since quotes strengthen your argument a great deal because it directly links your argument with the text. For most essays, you don't really need to follow the 5 paragraph standard format. As long as you organize your thoughts you'll be fine.

Can you look at mine?
saurabh93   
Jan 28, 2012
Undergraduate / "transcend through cultural ghettos" - UMICH SUPPLEMENT [2]

On the outside, most people see me as a private school student, attending the most prestigious college prep high school on an island in the Pacific called Guam. However, unlike other private school students, with their futures planned out by their parents and the expectation that they follow along, I belong to the community of online bloggers, or champions of free thinking. With the rising engagement of teenagers on the internet, I soon found tumblr to be my second home. At first, blogging allowed me to freely voice my opinions and proved to be an escape from the stress of daily life. But it soon evolved into a melting pot of intellectual exchange, where I was able to interact with bloggers from all over the world. I feel that though I am physically on Guam, mentally I was able to travel the world and witness both the beauty and cruelty of mankind.

Ultimately, blogging has allowed me to "transcend through cultural ghettos (Elif Shafak)"; it has shaped my view of the world, taught me to be more open-minded, and to look at matters in different perspectives. Now I blog not only as a hobby, but to promote global awareness to other teenagers and adults alike. The blogging community offers me two things I value the most, a place to express myself without limitations and an opportunity to make a difference in someone else life; it's a place where I truly belong.

Good work, can you look at my essay?
Thanks!
saurabh93   
Jan 28, 2012
Undergraduate / 'very high expectations for me' - SUPERMAN [2]

We listen to the same genres of music and even read the same genres of books!

but my Supermanly-brother has always stood by me and eventually, it did pay off.

Your essay is good, but I think it can be more formal.

Will you look at mine? Thanks!!
saurabh93   
Jan 28, 2012
Graduate / SOP MFA in Dramatic Media at the University of Georgia [2]

an organization dedicated to educating young girls ages 9 to 19 in media literacy and production.

I quickly realized that educating young people in the realm of media art was something I wanted to continue to cultivate as I grew as an artist and a media maker.

Besides these small errors, everything else is great. I'm sure you'll get in!!

Can you look at mine? Thanks!!
saurabh93   
Jan 29, 2012
Undergraduate / The Tale of Grant Wood - perspective writing about anything [5]

I had to do some perspective writing about absolutely anything, so any feed back would be highly appreciated!
I have lived my entire life in this good old cottage, as white as the clouds that swirl over us every single day. I farm around the clock, and I go to church just about every Sunday. Fifteen years after fighting in the War to end all Wars and not a bit has changed about me or my little girl. We love our nation as always. Life on the prairie has always been sedentary. Except for the occasional howl of the prairie wind and the tooting of the Chicago-St Louis express way off in the distance, we are a quiet place. Tumbleweeds and hills form our ever-expansive landscape. American flags adorn every hill visible. And churches dot the cornfields like black spots on cows.

We are away from the cities and their outrageous quality of life. The city is for those who are too lazy and are likely to get carried away by bad influences. By living away from the hellish nature of cities, we can avoid those speakeasies and those rebellious youngsters who need to learn to go to church instead of getting hangovers. If they can read the instructions of booze-maker, they can read the Bible. That's right. We do not need to be living in the city where folks can do just about anything and get away with it. Their life revolves around the new Model T's and the escapist silent flicks. But for us it's the Oldsmobile. We prefer the dust roads to those new superhighways that disturb the tranquility that we enjoy here on the farm. They receive much more help than they need and deserve. And we are the ones who have to finance them. Those tax policies are withholding the hard-earned fruits of our labor! A tornado swallows our home, but we break the ground, not the government! When grasshoppers and rats invade our wheelbarrows, we remove them ourselves. We don't need institutions to do them for us. We are farmers. We are Protestants. We aren't as moralist as the Puritans but we do take ethics seriously. Our productivity is useless if outside institutions taint the benefits that we reap. In the countryside, we are self-sufficient. The pitchfork is our tool to a life of well-being. We do not need Hoover to increase government influence and compromise our work ethic. The life we live is satisfactory, and we want to keep it that way.

Recently, a depression hit our fabled nation. People are out of work and looking for scapegoats and institutionalized help. If one came complaining at my door here in the middle of nowhere, I'd think of him not as a fool, but a troubled person who needs guidance and advice. I would show him my jumpsuit underneath my cloak, and expect him to drop those jaws. We don't succumb to begging for money, we work for money. Our nation did not rise simply because people did not know what they had to do, or they escaped from reality through booze. We rose from bed every morning and went off to work, looking only at the barn or the factory. And we remind ourselves that we've accomplished something on our way back home. I farm for countless hours, but it's how we become better people. By putting your ethics in the way of your desires, rewards are fulfilled. They're done so either through having them go to the market in Chicago or people coming to buy our traditionally-grown food.

My little darling spinster lives with me, in the good old Iowa countryside. She is as innocent as just about any country girl. She milks the cows, and she sews the undergarments and removes weeds from our farm. She attends an all-girls Protestant school where she studies how He created the world, and how fanatic theorists have dispelled the sanctity of the Bible for their own gain. They're heretics! She enjoys sitting on the porch and letting the godly sun light up her face, symbolizing the brightness inside her. I want her to be as pure as her looks. Either she'll marry another Protestant, or she'll not marry at all. And she belongs in the house. She does not leave and find work on her own. She maintains the family and maintains our traditions and makes our future generations remember their grandfathers. Her American mindset is reflected in her clothes. They were originally her great grandmother's who bought the colonial-era clothes at an auction at Independence Hall in Philadelphia during the Centennial Exposition back in the day. She is a devout American and a devout Christian.

Our life is simple here. Every morning, I get up at 7 o'clock to the rooster and the swinging of the restless pendulum. Sitting on the bed, I face east and watch as the sun rises up with the ease, ready to do its heavenly job of channeling its energy to grow food just like me and my farmland. I am reminded about my wife who died of rabies. A stray dog from nowhere bit my nectarine on the leg as she was grabbing the chickens in the chicken pen, and she fell ill. She died on our wooden and brass bed, the same one where my father died. Those nasty wails just won't leave my head, and will always resonate throughout our home for as long as we own it. Our neighbors and church folks all attended her somber funeral.

Yet, I still continue to live the life. On my way to the bathtub, I pass the portraits of Washington, Ben Franklin, Lincoln, and the Virgin Mary. A plaque given to my great grandfather by General U.S. Grant is up by the portraits. I then wear the jumpsuit and put on my bronze spectacles with a cracked lens, and then cook bacon. My lass, on the other hand, begins mopping the wooden floor, unmindful of the fungus and spider webs. She then cooks cornbread and bacon for breakfast. Usually, we would have mashed potatoes and gravy for lunch, and stew for dinner. But on Sundays, we fast, and spend our day either at our farm chapel or at the community church with our other families. One family at our church has children born every Christmas day since the wedding. We go there in our Oldsmobile pick-up, coughing up dust and avoiding running into our valuable farm animals.

We say our mass, and then have the Sunday conversations. Surrounded by the little ones with their carefree lifestyles, I talk to the priest, who was once a bank owner in Jefferson City. He tells me that while he was working, he would notice billboards advertising booze, the skirts of women reaching up to the knees, and people driving their cars at 30 miles per hour on local roads. He came from a family where religion was as strict a code of ethics as Puritanism. His brother was banished from the township for sneaking on a freight train and attending a speakeasy in Ohio. He wanted to become a priest to escape the decline of Victorian and conservative values in our nation.

I go home, and then I take off my church cloak, put on my jumpsuits, then head to the fields. Using my tractor, my pitchfork, and my biblically shaped perseverance, I grow the potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes that would transform into the food we eat and our now-hungry population eats. I work like this for as long as my body can sustain. Then I put the pitchfork and wheelbarrow aside, and head to the dinner table. My lass is with me, and we silently eat dinner. We then sleep.

The life out here is so simple compared to those blind urban folks who would dehumanize themselves and America's image while reveling in booze. We are away from such an atmosphere, and we are happy with it. Folk music as opposed to jazz, we Iowans value the American tradition and the Christian tradition.

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