Undergraduate / 'first year in marching band' - USF supplement [2]

Hello, below is my supplement for university of san francisco. Please be HARSH and critique it. Look for incorrect grammar, unecessary content, and suggestions to add/remove sentences.

Throughout my four years in high school, I can honestly say that I've learned the most about my role in social values, and diversity and inclusion in marching band. Although this might give you an impression of deviating from the prompt, it in fact reflects how I can promote the core mission of USF. Marching band is not just another extracurricular activity. It is a family. We share each other's hardships and congratulate each other on our successes. As a four year marcher, I grew into a person who not only strives to reach my goals but to also help others reach theirs as well. The feeling of helping someone achieve their goals goes beyond the gratification I receive because it's a chance to make a difference for those around me, including myself. What I envision myself accomplishing at USF is to positively shape the world, whether it is locally or internationally, by empowering others to do the same. USF's mission has already been a part of my own that I intend to carry out.

I remember my first year in marching band. The rookies were divided into sections according to instrument and were introduced to their section leaders. My section leaders were very friendly and fun. They knew how to make me feel included and when I didn't march so well, their optimistic personalities made me feel at ease, yet pushed me to try harder. The main reason I continued the following year was because of the comfortable ambience my section leaders were able to create for a group of nervous rookies. As I reached my senior year in marching band, I wanted to continue building a positive and enduring season. Though I wasn't a section leader, I still sought to guide the incoming rookies with the same authority and reassurance as my section leaders, so that they could enjoy marching band as much as I did. In doing so, I was able to gain leadership skills that boosted my confidence and intuition. Especially since I was one of the only two girls in our section, I hoped to inspire more girls to represent in a male-dominant section. I believe in the saying, "all great things have small beginnings," relating to how influential leadership lays the foundation to making the world a more humane and just world. With the intention of setting good examples, others will surely follow.

On the field, we help each other properly march and play the show music so that we can do well in competitions. However, it's not about winning the competitions for us that matters. We aim to promote group improvement and self-betterment as the essential lesson. Along the years, I've come to recognize competitions as learning and humanizing social experiences rather than competitive exercises. Privileged to work as a unity of underclassmen and upperclassmen is more rewarding than winning a trophy. After marching a show, I realize it's the feeling of weeks of hard work, collaboration, and effective communication that shines through and leaves you in peace.

So, although I'm not a Catholic, I've realized that one does not need to be religious to consider justice, morality, and humaneness to be global values. Any genuine person will grasp these values as his/her own, and honorably advocate them. I am ready to advance in life and University of San Francisco will certainly nourish me with its empowering values and start me on a path to nourish others.

Undergraduate / 'Growing up on an island' - usd - international study supplement [3]

Hello, below is my supplement for University of San Diego's supplement.

USD QUESTION: As a Catholic university, the values below represent some of the most important characteristics of the USD experience. Please select one of the topics below and explain how you might enhance our community or benefit from that particular value. (100 words or less) I chose "International experiences"

Growing up on an island has isolated me from gaining personal insight of the diverse cultures shared in this world. I've always wanted to explore the world, and USD's top ranked international study caught my attention. Studying abroad is the perfect opportunity to transition into a multicultural learning experience. By broadening my knowledge and maturing as a globally active citizen, I'll be exposed to see the reality of this interconnected world we live in and engage in its challenging endeavors. I want to open my mind to new perspectives and USD's international studies will empower me to do so.

Please give me some feedback about the grammar, content, and flow. I'd really appreciate your help :)

Undergraduate / 'taken my education seriously' - Supplement for Seattle U [NEW]

Why do you feel Seattle University is a good match with your educational goals?

Though I am involved in various clubs and activities I have always put my education at the top of my priority list. Since I was young, I've taken my education seriously because to me, education was a privilege. As a first generation college student, I felt lucky to be able to learn amongst fellow classmates, fostering my knowledge. I knew I wanted to attend a prestigious college that would not only engage my mind in the intricacies of human health but would also expose me to real world problems to challenge my critical thinking skills. So I began to spend more time researching colleges and inquiring my college counselor about which colleges would best suit my academic interests in the field of health professions. As one of the best health professions school in Washington State, he recommended me to look into Seattle University.

Upon researching Seattle University, I was attracted to its nationally recognized pre-professional programs as well as its high percentage of health professions majors. I am assured to find students with similar interests in health at SU to discuss with and share our individual knowledge and academic goals with one another. Additionally, with SU located in the heart of Seattle, it provides the perfect challenging opportunities and environment to not only find mentorships but to also give back to the community by volunteering at local hospitals.

With SU's wide array undergraduate programs, I know that they will be able to accommodate my plans if I ever decided to change majors. I am ready to advance my education and Seattle University is the ideal school to empower me to the start of a new chapter in my life. I believe that Seattle University will enrich me with its distinguished education and start me on a path to enrich others.

Please tell me what I should fix, add/remove to this supplement, I really appreciate it!

Undergraduate / 'I never liked the idea of change' - Common App [16]

Below is a very rough draft of my common app essay. Can you guys please help me revise it and tell me how I can fix it to make it better? Thank you! It's a topic of your choice.

It was the summer before freshman year of high school and the anxiety was already beginning to stifle me. I've always heard people say that "everything changes in high school" and ever since hearing those five words, the possibility of JAMM kept me awake throughout summer. Call me stubborn but I never liked the idea of change because change was accompanied with ambiguity. The two combined together was bad news and I didn't want high school to come between us. I always identified myself as JAMM. My parents, close friends, and even my teachers recognized me as JAMM. In case you're wondering, JAMM is not my name. It's actually an acronym my best friends and I came up with to acknowledge our strong sisterhood. The four of us have been best friends since middle school and since then we've all been one entity. We did everything together and were hardly ever separated. JAMM is a part of me and I had no intentions of changing who I was either.

I suppose I was too naïve to know it but change is inevitable. It's bound to happen and unfortunately I was not prepared for it. I was separated from JAMM. I didn't have any of the same classes as them and for the first time ever, I felt lost. I was so used to having JAMM by my side all the time that I've stunted myself from developing a sense of individualism. They seemed to have been prepared for this moment because they were onto developing their own passions and pursuing their own goals while I was still trying to figure out who I was. This made me wonder if I had been hiding myself behind JAMM. Ironically this level of uncertainty and confusion motivated me to gain individuality. I was starting to realize that JAMM is not one entity but four distinct individuals.

Since our separation I started to learn how to function on my own and develop my own identity. I began to talk to different people and make new friends. I joined different clubs and became more involved in marching band. I was beginning to find my own interests and who knew I'd get so involved in marching band. I was realizing that high school was a time of change. In spite of my strong dislike for change I saw that the ambiguity of change may lead to unexpected experiences but it's all a part of growing up. I was finally defining myself and becoming more independent. Before separating from JAMM I was content with staying the same and I didn't want JAMM to change. I was too naïve to see what was really happening. I was afraid to step out of my comfort zone.

High school gave me the chance to be someone without the influence of JAMM. I've realized that JAMM is an extension of me. Throughout the years, I've grown into someone who is willing to accept change and its ambiguous partner.