Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by djpralex
Joined: Dec 21, 2011
Last Post: Dec 26, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 10  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 15
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
djpralex   
Dec 26, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay_Should the cost of medicines be reduced? [2]

Hi,
I liked that your essay has your effective arguments and I like that you gave your point of view on how to change the matter instead of the questioned method. One thing I found a little shaky about was that your first two paragraphs was a lot of redundant overview of what is already said in the question. It feels like you begin with a lot of drag so I advise that you cut down on the background and give more insight on your own views. Other than that I feel you have a strong essay.
djpralex   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / MIT "language" challenge [3]

In 1999, I moved from China to the United States to live with my immediate family and naturally I was verbally restricted by the language change. I immediately began second grade with an arsenal of vocabulary consisting of five words: teacher, I, need, to, pee. I was completely lost in this new world where everything was so different compared to my home in China. There was only one solution to my problems and that was to find a friend that can help me translate. I found a girl who was kind enough to help me but as much as I wanted her to help, I did not want to burden her from her friends. In the end, I spent the entire semester playing alone during recess and occasionally getting into trouble for repeating some words I hear on the playground in class. In the summer of that year, I worked hard to learn English. I remember memorizing vocabulary and practicing phrases I heard on TV for three to four hours a day. I persevered through the tears of not being able to play outside because I had not memorized all the words for the day and as I was going back into school the next term, I was placed in the same grade. Additionally, each night I was required to read for an hour by my mom and with this, I began second grade again with an arsenal of words larger than any of my fellow second graders.
djpralex   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the Justice department' - Stanford Supplement - What matters to you, and why? [7]

Your essay has great meaning. I think this fits more to the "where you came from and what shaped your aspirations" I think that you should really explain why this matters to you. There are several mistakes such as how you use the semicolon. Reread to proof it and check your grammar. Other than that I think you have a pretty strong idea, just make it more connected to the prompt.
djpralex   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Columbia - "Research + Civic Engagement" [5]

Hi,
I like how you know exactly what you want to do. The end seems like youre starting a new idea and just ending it there. I don't know what the KCCE program is but if it is extremely relevant to your neuro research than maybe you wanna change the sentence for a more sounding ending. If it's not relevant to your neuro research, I think you have a precise enough reason for why columbia so really just focus on ending your essay about the neurology.
djpralex   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / Columbia supplement, "undecided but leaning towards biology" [4]

In the summer of 2010, I spent a month in the hospital caring for my sick grandfather, the man I am closest with even more than my dad. I spent more hours assisting him in the hospital than I did at my grandmother's condominium where I resided. At the hospital, I witnessed a lot of intricate examinations and procedures that the doctors performed on him. I became instantly fascinated by the activities that take places inside a hospital especially around the operating room. I was intrigued by the human body and the capabilities the body can withstand and endure. I watched as the doctors cut a path in my grandfather so that they can squeeze a chest tube into his lungs so that he can get postural draining for the mucus that was clogged inside him. I knew then that I wanted to study biology and medicine because at the hospital, the thought of watching a new procedure and acquiring new information about the human body selfishly overshadowed the thought of helping my grandfather get better. I am hooked by the challenge in the problem solving in medicine and I want to be able to explore deeper into this field. I now study AP Biology at school and it is one of my most devoted classes because the information and concepts taught draws a significant part of my academic interests. Therefore, through my experience inside the hospital and fascination with the human body, I see biology as a highly potential major for me.
djpralex   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / Columbia MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER short essay [3]

I think you can use your last 200+ characters to show more on why you find this meaningful. You use great vocabulary but there are still some parts that does not flow well. Reread to check that and I think you have a very strong essay.
djpralex   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Grandpa matters' - Stanford What matters to you and why? [3]

There is one person in my life that I place in a pedestal higher than my father, mother, or anyone else; it is my grandfather. He is a man I am truly thankful for with no hesitation in proclaiming him as my hero and idol. My grandfather was a man who is wise and generous, who lived with integrity and honor, sincerity and kindness, and with righteousness and respect. Even though he raised me for only my first five years of my life, I have a bond with him that is stronger than with the people I have lived longer with. My bond with him will last as long as his name is tattooed on my wrist. He has taught me each summer I am with him that one must live wisely but not without mistakes, progressively but not without hindrance, and most importantly, respectfully but not without mistreatment. He has taught me to become a better person and it is my goal to become someone even half as great as he was. Furthermore, the day of his death, where I was at the airport returning to America, he taught me, not through his actions but through his inactions, about how thoughtful a person should be. That morning in his hospital bed he asked my aunt if I was leaving and she confirmed him. He told her that he was happy with who I have become and that he can now rest in peace but he also told her that he did not want me to know of his passing until I have landed so that I do not have a miserable trip back. I found out of his passing the day after my arrival and my aunt told me about what he said to her, which made me realize about the kind of care and thought one should have to benefit another. I have made it my standard that I am someone my grandfather would be proud of if he was still alive to see me; nothing matters to me more than being a person he would approve of because if I was to become anything less, I would have thrown away his faith in me.
djpralex   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / Engineering - What department at MIT appeals to me and why? [2]

Hi,
I like how your essay begins very strongly and specifically. Towards the end, the flow falls off so you should reread it a few times to improve it. Overall, great idea and your specificity proves that you are sure about what you are saying. Throwing in the "Which is what I aspire to be" makes the essay seem like it was ended in the middle of an idea. maybe you can put the aspiration earlier into your essay and then write more about that.
djpralex   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the psychology section' - Columbia University-what are your interests? [4]

Hi,
Your essay has great support behind each topic. I think that the psychology section of your essay does not flow well together, but again does show your interest in psychology. If you have room maybe you want to explain more about what in psychology that fascinates you. One thing that bothers me is that you have split your essay into three different parts and that really limits on your chance to make any part stand out. I'm sure you're not considering to major in all three fields so if one of these majors can be taken out, it would leave you with a lot more room to elaborate on the two. Overall, good grammar and flow :]
djpralex   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / Intellectual Development Stanford Supplement, "Mom in the Hospital" [2]

Thank you for reading my response to "Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development."

Life had never been as scary as it was in January of 2009. My mom had a serious allergic reaction to a medication her doctor prescribed and she was hospitalized for three weeks. The doctors at first could not diagnose her condition; ultimately, an allergy specialist came and diagnosed her as having an allergic reaction to Penicillin. To be with her, I often went to the hospital after school and one thing I recall most clearly is hearing my dad discuss with my aunt how he was going to sue the doctor. My mom, however, told us that it is not worth it to sue the doctor because he had worked his whole life to earn his degree and over a simple mistake, she shouldn't take his career away, or ruin his reputation. The moment she said that to us I realized how crucial it is to pay attention to every little detail in life, such as how I do work in school, how I talk to others, and even how I handle myself in any given situation. This made me realize that proofreading my essays, thinking before speaking to others, and being apprehensive instead of impulsive in my daily decisions are all very important for my success in life. Through this experience in the hospital, I have learned to be more careful with my choices and that the decisions I make are to be made after thorough consideration of every little detail. From the reasoning my mom made on her hospital bed, I have found myself double checking my answers in school and improving my test grades because I have prevented myself from making unnecessary errors like the one my mother's doctor could have averted. This family emergency has taught me to be more focused on my work so that I do not falter in my values, like my grades, that I have been so determined to uphold.
djpralex   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my family and I were living in India' - Stanford Intellectual Development [5]

Hi,
I think you can revise your first paragraph more so that it flows better. All the detail in the first paragraph is completely irrelevant to the prompt. I think that you really have to expand on how the experience affected your intellectual development. A short little paragraph I think is not enough elaboration. I think that you can just cut the entire second paragraph to one sentence saying something along the lines of, "I took the money in the box and for the next ten days at school, I bought mango ice cream." And again I think you should reread your essay and improve the flow. There is a lot of redundancy in your words which I think can help you save space to expand about the intellectual development. You can give in example of when this has come into use for you. Sorry if I sound very tedious but I hope I can help you produce a better essay. :]
djpralex   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my family and I were living in India' - Stanford Intellectual Development [5]

Your essay has good background but you should really expand more about the lesson. It teaches you honesty but how has that developed you intellectually? I think the "plot summary" is a little excessive so I would cut down on the clown popping out, and the school purchasing process. Best to just limit your "spending of the money" to just about 2 sentences. Expand more on how this life lesson of honesty developed you. HOW it developed you like what did your dad do as a punishment and why it stuck on you. I think this will make your essay a lot more in depth.
djpralex   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / Columbia Supplement, "finding my passion" [4]

Thank you for reading my respond to the "Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why." It is a first draft and feel free to give as much advice as possible. Thank you once again.

There is a saying in my home that goes, "You think you are good enough? I don't." I hear this line from my father on a weekly basis and I find that the more I hear it, the more I question my capabilities and priorities. I have become increasingly lost in my passions and decreasingly motivated in specific subjects at school. Originally I had goals and aspirations for college. I wanted to be a surgeon; but from all the doubt my father has given me, I began to second guess my perception of academic passion. This all changed, however, when I read about "The Core" of Columbia because I saw new hope in finding my academic passion. I am extremely captivated by the opportunity to engage in such a wide range of intellectual discourse and I have been preoccupied by my imagination of these classes. I am ecstatic at the thought of participating in such diverse classes as the history of art and the formation of civilization. I am not sure where my true academic calling is, but I am sure that Columbia can provide me with the pathway through the Core Curriculum to find my ultimate major. Furthermore, even if my interests are not found within the Core Curriculum, Columbia's countless number of advance research groups and professors all can be my guide to a true passion. I am highly attracted to the diversity Columbia shares in, not only its environment, but in its courses that will surely gather the confusion I have in my aspirations and guide me into the profession matching my potentials.
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳