Posts by laspinadenise

laspinadenise

Dec 24, 2011

Undergraduate / Why and my Major - Lafayettes [7]

the first one about making an advisory club is is interesting but you have grammar errors.
e.g. From that event, I found out my talent in listening to other people and helping them solve them out
Since then, I have discovered that my talent lies in listening to others and helping them find solutions to their problems.

out of the next 2, i like the first one better

laspinadenise

Dec 24, 2011

Undergraduate / "You brought the team together" personal statement [5]

what's ambiguous? the whole point of the essay is, i was awarded an award after i broke a leg and was not there, literally, the season. what i 'did' is in that whole 'maybe' paragraph, the point is I myself am not totally sure what i did, all i know is that "i brought the team together" and this is the process in understanding how that could have been

my coach saw what I couldn't (see/understand/comprehend/fathom) that they were worth the sacrifice, i.e. i put more value into them than they did in themselves and they needed to value themselves as much i did. i don't understand how this is ambiguous at all

laspinadenise

Dec 24, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Love&MD' - Common Application Essay [4]

The emotionless void that had consumed me, no longer had its steely grip on me and I am now better able to handle my own emotions as well as others' . Do you mean controlling the emotions of other people here? because if you do you need that apostrophe

Marina admits to having been terribly awkward for a long time and that she had desperately wanted to fit in, but with the creation of MD she found a space where she belonged: 'I am Marina. You are the Diamonds'.

I like it, good usage of vocabulary
why do you call yourself a cynic? that might not be good to tell a college, that you see yourself as a cynic or as a past misanthrope. maybe say skeptical? or a harsh judge?

laspinadenise

Dec 24, 2011

Grammar, Usage / SENTENCES GRAMMATICALLY AND CONTEXTUALLY CORRECT? [4]

context, i understand what you're trying to say.
grammatically, i second menukagrg.
Your fourth sentence is too long, it's a run on.

Hence, I yearn to become an active and contributing member of the student community in your University.I'd like to begin my professional life with the advantage of an MS maybe specify what your masters is in? from 'Nxxy', which will finally allow me to achieve my dreams, and set an example for prospective students, by demonstrating that nothing is impossible if you have the tenacity to persevere.

My question for your fourth sentence is, why do you need to set an example for prospective students? I'm not sure...

laspinadenise

Dec 24, 2011

Undergraduate / 'the second oldest of three children' - PERSONAL STATEMENT [4]

Your life seems awful :(
But this essay while emotional, is not very coherent. Emotions tend to come out a little jumbled and that's how your essay seems as well. In your opening you start talking about your single mom and having younger siblings, but instead of flowing down the responsibility river, you go down the inquisitive one which has nothing to do with your single mom or younger siblings, and if it does, you didn't say so or how.

This is heart breaking, clearly very personal, but you need to clean it up and focus it a little more. Otherwise it's just an emotional, I don't want to say rant but, it needs a straighter flow.

laspinadenise

Dec 24, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Research' + 'activities' + 'Indian meal' - Notre Dame Supplements [5]

I actually like that you're talking about Indian food. Indian food is delicious, it's a risk, and it does say something about you. You like your mom's cooking! I like it! I think you should keep it.

However, your first essay about why you want to attend their university is eh. No school needs to hear about their prestige, they already know all about how amazing they are. Talk about what specifically attracts you. Is it their campus? The kind of people who attend? Location? The religious tradition of the school?

And your list is very.. fragmented. Because your goals have nothing to do with each other, they're pointing to nothing, there's no theme and it should be obvious that you will definitely not be able to everything on that list. Though they are nice, pretty goals, they're just that, nice and pretty. They don't really say anything about you

laspinadenise

Dec 24, 2011

Undergraduate / "You brought the team together" personal statement [5]

this is my generic essay for the generic prompt,
Using the space below, please write between 250 and 500 words to describe a special interest, significant experience or achievement, or anything else that has special meaning to you or had a significant influence on you.

When I received the Coach's Award for softball during my sophomore year, my initial reaction was less than grateful. I felt guilty and inadequate. I had fractured my femur two weeks into the season and I felt like I was only special because I had a broken leg.

I spent that last day of class, one devoted to celebration, confined by my crutches, sitting in silence. When my coach passed by I asked, "Why did you give it to me?" He simply said, "You brought the team together." I didn't believe him. I didn't understand him, but I never forgot it. It wasn't until the following autumn when I discovered he had resigned as coach that I was finally able to believe him. He would not give away his last award for so little when it had meant so much.

Maybe it was the time I was late to a morning run and ran around Jackson Heights looking for a team could have been in a different neighborhood by the time I had even knotted my laces. I searched anyway and I couldn't have been happier when I found them. Or maybe it was the tears I shed along with my teammates after we lost the championships. Or maybe it was the breakfast I prepared while on crutches just so I could gather the team together and be with them once more. Or maybe it was the sacrifice and strength they saw the year before, in the one freshman brave enough to join the team.

My team knew what I was prepared to sacrifice if it meant I could be there with them through every game and grueling practice. I know the team appreciated that and it meant as much to them as it did to me. My coach saw what I couldn't, that I reminded them that it was worth the sacrifice, they were worth the sacrifice. That must have been how I brought the team together.

Now when I play softball, when I am actually on the field, there's no greater feeling because I know that I'm worthy. I've proved it. No one else on the field can even compare to what I've been through. Every year counts when there's only four and after being deprived of two, I don't take it for granted. My award doesn't let me take it for granted.

I cherish every moment. It's worth running until you can't see straight anymore. It's worth waking up at five a.m. for practice. It's worth it all because if I've learned anything it's this: I'd rather be in and in pain than be out on the sidelines. Now I know exactly what makes me special. Challenges may scare me, but I know that I step up, not down.

laspinadenise

Dec 24, 2011

Undergraduate / 'raised in a single parent home' - Stanford- Intellectual development [8]

i agree with cookie! the vat sentence is very awkward but this essay is awesome!

living in a one family home, moving across the nation, i would actually expect family to not matter as much. i think when you go over that you should state immediate family. but this is very good!

laspinadenise

Dec 24, 2011

Undergraduate / uRochester "Ever Better" [3]

err, sent it in already but i, uh, couldn't be more specific. 125 word limit :(

laspinadenise

Dec 23, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Gandhi's quote was true' - Common app (Influential person) [4]

quote is a verb! not a noun. quotations*
you should also say, three years ago, i didn't understand. not disagreed.
you have grammatical errors, especially tenses, but this is rough so you can fix it.

I like it, your grandmother sounds like an amazing woman and you've outlined how you've grown up and matured but I think you should include something you did on your own, without her, to backup "inspired me to follow her footsteps and make a difference in the world."

The second to last paragraph, you end with the letting your guard melt away, I think you should either a) elaborate on it, or b) change it to something like 'opened my eyes and something something'. Nowhere else in your essay do you even hint at any kind of apprehensive guard, you just say that when you were younger you didn't like it much.

I like this rough draft though, it's in a good direction
Hope I'm helping!

laspinadenise

Dec 23, 2011

Undergraduate / Two different Common App essays -- love for reading & my father [6]

I really like the essay on your dad. But I think that instead of saying stubborn and argumentative, you should use words with a positive connotation, that way your'e selling yourself instead of pointing out flaws. You should make that one explain how you're cultured and open minded to everything. I watched Fellini's "La Strada", you could touch upon how you're interested in approaches and perspectives from different regions of the world.

The second one is really good, very well worded but it also makes it seem like you're a library rat, and while good readers are appreciated, whoever ends up reading your essay might think you have nothing better to do. I do like the Arthur quotation though, I'll never forget that song.

laspinadenise

Dec 23, 2011

Undergraduate / uRochester "Ever Better" [3]

Meliora: 'Ever better' - The University's motto, Meliora, directs our focus toward continual improvement through research, understanding, and collaborative efforts. Offer an example from your personal experience of an obstacle you faced or a problem you identified. Describe the actions you took and the result. (125 words)

My junior year, I would make a list after every basketball game. I would write down everything I thought I needed to work on. I would forget that I was playing on a team and that I didn't need to do everything. Doing everything would exhaust me, cause my teammates to think they could relax, frustrate me because they were relaxing, and exhaust me further to make up for their shortcomings. I had to step back, assess the situation, reflect on it, and finally relax before we, as a team, could improve. I made a new list, "Breathe". This year, there is a tremendous amount of improvement, we are better, because we now understand collaboration, communication, and unity.

Is this good? Decent enough?