Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Noobzilla
Joined: Dec 25, 2011
Last Post: Dec 27, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 22  


Displayed posts: 25
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Noobzilla   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'doomed to be a work in progress' - Pomona supplements [3]

q.2

through a divorce, an affair

, what??!!
if it were a peer recommendation, it would have been awesome because you have discussed your friend to a great degree, add something MORE about yourself....you created a marvellous flow...

please comment on my common app essay
Noobzilla   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the positive aspects of living in Paris' - Intellectual vitality essay [4]

i think of 'intellectual' as a very strong word...the way you began the essay..and I was expecting a very strong conclusion....

I possess to overcome difficult or unfamiliar experiences and challenges.

, show the agony and misery you felt so to make the passage quoted look convincing...

please, if you can, go through my common app essay
Noobzilla   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Letter to the Minister of Education, Italy--CMC supplement essay [3]

DON'T TALK ABOUT RELIGION!!
the mid part about bad teachers can be made MORE effective...
the substance is good, but again YOU CAN make your essay waaay more powerful...one way is to reduce the size of the essay...what i do is write an essay which crosses the word limit and then cut it down so that i keep most of the meaning and the essay gains strength...or you can use powerful language....

please go through mine as well...
Noobzilla   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the global business network' - Penn supplemental [2]

1. you showed doubt at the very beginning!! c'mon...there are 2 mistakes during essays equal to a suicide, a. in why us essay, you tell them you like the university because of its ranking 2.in which major you choose essay, you tell them that you have chosen a specific major because of its pay...

2. in the para you tell your inquisitive...give them a solid example...show not tell...and the example of inquisitiveness you gave in the 1st para seems very boring and above all...dangerous...again don't even HINT that you are choosing a business major because of its dollar value....

3. everything was beautiful from the 3rd para and onwards...and by the time i got to the ending...i was kinda jealous... great work!!

please, if you can, comment on my common app essay
Noobzilla   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I enjoy studying history' common app [2]

HIS-STORY
History is a testament to that fact that mere mortals can change the course of entire nations. I have always admired these men not only for the upshots of their actions but also for their resilience and strong resolve. I, too , have experienced difficulties and have faced challenges head-on, the process of which has made me stronger.

Living in a society where the bold and the beautiful flourish and the atypical are considered outcasts, I have not suffered from, but in fact, have been blessed with the skin disorder Vitiligo. Being the object of cruel jokes, I taught myself patience and resilience. I laughed with those who mocked me, as did King Baldwin IV, who suffered from leprosy, a disease far more painful and tormenting than vitiligo. He was ridiculed because of his disfigured physique, yet even with his marred face, the King was able to succeed: as a crusader, he held back the Saracens from occupying Jerusalem during his entire lifetime. His gallantry was a source of inspiration for me and a sign of hope: the color of your skin is no obstacle to achieving greatness in life.

Also I have acquired General Montgomery's aura of charisma. He was able to raise the morale of the devastated British North Africa Core; similarly, In every part of life whether It be a Soccer Match which we are destined to loose, exam preparations or any team event, I motivate my comrades with sheer conviction when they need it.

Like Tipu Sultan who excelled as a warrior, ruler and poet, I am a multi-faceted individual. I am the Tipu of the twenty-first century: Outside the class room, I have intense passion for writing comics, poster/website designing, film making and circuit building. Hence, I stand out from my peers due to my diversity.

As an innovative way to supply rations and arms to inferior guerrilla Vietcong, the use of the Ho Chi Min Trail was a decisive factor in the military success of the Vietnamese. Digital circuit designing requires us to think differently and produce something that not only works, but also succeeds in the market as well. My design of the battery monitor is testament to my distinctive ability of employing novel ideas, the very which allowed the Vietnamese to succeed.

After leaving the army, Eisenhower continued struggling for a better America and fought new battles as his country's President. Likewise, I intend to remain true to my purpose: to improve the socio-economic conditions of my homeland-that of pulling Pakistan from its energy crisis--through the field of electronics.

Undoubtedly, I enjoy studying history. From Hannibal's great leap across the Alps to the construction of the Suez Canal to the first lunar landings, I have immersed myself into every single documentary that the History Channel has to offer. My bookcase shelves are flooded with books biographies of renowned rulers these personalities have been sources of immense courage. In presenting the above-cited examples, I have illustrated the best of parts of me and I am learning every day!
Noobzilla   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'in the middle of a war zone' - Common App extra curricular essay [5]

haha...awesome...
save a few characters if you want to

cries of battle

> battle cries,

I have been selected as the [quote=glamazing]me. I realize I have been selected as the next victim.

> face me as if i were their next prey....in reaction to the user above, id suggest you show your 'fighting' nature...tell them that even though you fell frequently, you did not loose hope!..and that is an imporatant lesson in life...

PLease critique my main common app essay
Noobzilla   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'family has nine houses' - about how I change my perception [6]

JACK POT! theres what you learned...make it clear...HOW you changed eg by saying unlike before, now i am this this this...because my guess is the admissions officer reads about a thousand essays a day and by the time they get to you, they are tired...so don't let them assume anything...don't give them a chance to re-read....make it clear enough that on they understand on their first read!
Noobzilla   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Satori through Fishing" EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES ESSAY [10]

WELL, for the most part its good, but where is the YOU in it !?! like the admissions committee don't want to know how it feels to go fishing, they want to know about YOU...the essay is just a medium to finding out about YOU...get it!?
Noobzilla   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'No Buzz Lightning' - Common App Personal Statement [6]

at some places it good...at others....

I remember smiling during a moment of triumph..

i don't know what to make of this para...has to have a sold conclusion each time i think

but you can do 1 thing that will be good, take one event and take it to the end...it MAY work out better then if you take all these events

AWESOME CONCLUSION...
Noobzilla   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'game designer and game director' Art Institute Essay [2]

AGAIN IT MAY BE JUST ME...the content is ok but essay is kinda boring...too dry for my taste...i always begin my essays... seriously every single essay with a story...just to keep the reader interested... try employ at least some method...

DO READ MINE AND COMMENT:
Noobzilla   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'family has nine houses' - about how I change my perception [6]

uh...your perception did change...i think...but how did it make you a person you are today...the conclusion has no visible link with the change... for example... if i catch a flu for the first time and i suffer terribly...my perception changed ... now i hate the flu...and i want to help those who suffer from the disease...get it?

PLEASE READ MINE AS WELL:
Noobzilla   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Dad won't be happy" Lehigh University: WHY US? [6]

What unique aspect of Lehigh most interests you? (As a guideline, your response should be between 150-250 words.)

"Dad won't be happy" I thought. The table was littered with resistors, transistors and LEDs all stripped from his PC. In an effort to find out how it worked, I had disemboweled Dad's 'Holy Grail'. Now come on! I was 13 and curious, a quality I have to this day. Curiosity leads to research. To solve problems, unearth secrets of our world -carry out research in the quest for knowledge-exactly what is happening at Lehigh, is intoxicating! Even the notion of one day discussing my ideas with Dr. Rick Blum is enthralling. The opportunities for such undergraduates, the research facilities such as the Energy Research Center and the student faculty at Lehigh allows for applied research and will help me in my own quest to one day harness continuous power from God's Power Station: The Sun. The opportunity is more than perfect and I yearn to become part of such an institution.

For me, academics are just not enough. Because I have to spend the next four years of life, the university where I do, has to have that 'X' factor. Living in an institution around unfamiliar people may be difficult and being an international student adds to the burden. Growing up in a closely knit community, I cannot stay put without saying a hello, hi, or greeting someone and always want someone to talk to. My Professor drops by at Deja Brew for a little chat-awesome or students help me with my things to the dorm on my first day at the University-nice. That's what I looked for in a University that is what I found in Lehigh. "This University is a home away from home" they say-my future home.
Noobzilla   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The desire to be free' - German needs help with MIT essay [16]

Over all, the essay is perfect, but when I write NEVER employ the 'firstly' and 'secondly' paragraphing method because then its too boring for the reader. From what i have read on the Internet, the winning essay always has a continuous flow...so try to that..
Noobzilla   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the heat was unbearable' - Richmond University Supplement Essay [11]

@derimifri, i actually have sent this essay. but when i was about to press the upload button, my mother hinted that i was offtopic with my conclusion. i had written about something else. so the essay was overdue and in attempt to submit something i manufactured a conlcusion as fast as possible...

SAT...i have about +30 practice tests. thats no problem. what the problem is i don't understand my mistakes in CR and don't know the best place to prepare the vocab. so if you be so kinf as to help out here....
Noobzilla   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I come from Kosova' - Stanford Supp - dear roomate [5]

HERE GOES NOTHING:

normally essays are more...er....Serious...begin the essay with something more catchy, even funny.
"I assure you I am a very funny person" i honestly laughed while reading this part, (don't mind), your essay is tooooo serious for my taste. And prove not show

the later bit is good.
again, like many essays I've read, your essay misses a YOU AS A PERSON. they know you like maths and what not, the committee wants to know how you are as a person.

oh, and if i were you, i would add some humour just to make it interesting

good luck
Noobzilla   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My grandfather for me was the best gift' - COMMON APP QUESTION [5]

first of all trip the excess, remove:
In my life I've been lucky enough to know what it really means to give, and how important it is to remain grateful and appreciative with the things you have.

They say a grandfather is someone with silver in his hair and gold in his heart. My grandfather for me was the best gift I've ever received from God. He was someone who thought me that you know you've really made it in life when you can give back more than you have.

and anything else not appropriate.
from my view point, if the essay is moulded to a certian degree, it may look like you have learnt to help others and give back to your own community. mention (if you have any) your desires to one day build a school, hospital, research center. choose according to your major.
Noobzilla   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My grandfather for me was the best gift' - COMMON APP QUESTION [5]

Nicely written, but like any essay you have to SHOW HOW IT INFLUENCED YOU IN REAL LIFE. Any example will do. If it were your Grandfathers OWN Personal statement, it rocked. Essay was brilliant, just did not have the key ingredient: you!

Please find the time to check my essay as well:
Noobzilla   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the heat was unbearable' - Richmond University Supplement Essay [11]

Positive criticism much appreciated:

Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone. How did this experience change you?

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
The sun was at its apex, blazing down hell upon the inhabitants of Rawalpindi. The air was dry and scented by the fumes of burnt petrol and human perspiration. Lost in the crowd and struggling to breathe, my friends and I wrestled from one shop to another just to hear the same reply "Sorry, it isn't available". In the financial heart of the city, we were searching for something no larger than a needle. My blood boiled with rage, the heat began to get to me and I wanted to escape the nightmare for not only was the atmosphere unfavorable, but also my body began to give way. Now, one would wonder "What was this object the possession of which was so important"?

My intellectual journey began with a summer-placement at the Electronics Department of the Federal Urdu University, I was struck by a fact that changed me forever and induced in me a love for the field. I became possessed, not by a demon, but by a passion! I realized that by simply pressing a button, I could release electrons into dead matter and bring it to life! Right then and there I made my decision: I would also build my own circuit from scratch.

This is how it all began. Hours upon hours evaporated as I labored to design a Battery Monitor on the software Proteus. Days went by and finally, the design was complete. After rigorous testing, the faculty at the University approved the design and I set out to find the necessary components.

Nausea, the heat was unbearable. We were hungry, thirsty and in agony. All of the components had been purchased except for one: the nasty transistor. The mission was intense yet we were not deterred! With every blow of disappointment, the law probability made me hopeful: "if it isn't here, the next shop is bound to have it". Finally, after spending four scorching hours in the sun, we struck gold: the transistor was found.

Looking back, I am proud that I did not back down for, though the circumstances were horrendous, my obsession with circuits pushed me on. The experience has built in me unparalleled resilience and perseverance to take on obstacles head on. It also allowed me to look into myself: I am gripped by circuits! Aware of this fact, I found it easy to decide my college major and initiate my research in the field.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳