Posts by nr554

nr554

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Common App Topic of your choice "Frankenstein" [5]

In Pre-Calculus class, my teacher, Mr. Andrews, inspired my passion for mathematics through his problem solving exercises. Every Friday, my classmates and I would form teams and solve problems. Since he used problems from mathematical competitions, they were very complicated. I began to explore other problem solving opportunities on websites like "The Art of Problem Solving" . I became a perennial champion in these Friday contests.

You need to tie the third and fourth paragraphs together... maybe something like

Thus, mathematics is my favorite subject because of its focus on thought processes and problem solving techniques.

I really like this essay - innovative!

Can you critique the edited version of my essay?

nr554

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / UPenn optional essay- tell us about you [10]

I like the second one a lot! This response helps the college know about your interests more in detail and I love the ending to this one... the guitar is a nice touch!

Could you help critique my essay?

nr554

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'The California coast line' - Help me with the common app essay- Opening paragraph [2]

It was the perfect moment. The sun was setting off the California coast line. The summer breeze pushed my hair away from my eyes. I could finally see all the surfers return to dry land. However, I was still waiting; waiting for that last perfect wave. Then I saw it. The last wave I would ride in that summer. I paddled my surfboard towards the wave with my exhausted arms and legs and then I stood up and rode it. The ocean mist sprayed water in my face and the force of the wave pushed up from under me. I was finally surfing. In that moment it felt as though all the problems I had and all the thoughts that were acclimating seconds ago had deviated away from me. It was just me and the water. I was in a state of euphoria.

I like the short sentences - really good introduction. I made the corrections in red.

Can you critique/edit my essay in return?

nr554

Dec 28, 2011

Undergraduate / Amherst Supplement - overcoming difficulty, obstacles surmounted [5]

"making it off the streets"
I would use a different verb other than "making" - it sounds unprofessional

wrenchingly difficult past
use a different word since I don't think "wrenchingly" is a word

"She became estranged from most of her family when she was twelve years old; her cocaine-addicted mother assaulted her with a stop sign and kicked her onto the street."

"she went straight"
this also sounds a bit unprofessional

She can handle more tables than any other two servers combined - if Andrea needs a shift covered, it takes the rest of the waitstaff.

reword this

I decided not to let the fact that I had to work while my classmates were getting an advantage on college applications by becoming prestigious club presidents and joining varsity sports depress me; I found solace in the fact that I knew how to overcome hardship independently, that wherever life leads me I have the confidence and work ethic to do whatever it takes to succeed.

this is a really great and personal essay other than the minor mistakes above! good luck

can you please critique my essay?

nr554

Dec 28, 2011

Undergraduate / Cookie Dough Ice Cream&&Gossip Girl, Stanford roommate letter [8]

A value I practice is "Nia" which mean purpose and is my name.
Knowing my purpose aligns decisions and actions, improves thinking and overall awareness .
Abusers have allowed illegal drugs to control their lives and therefore have not assumed responsibility for their own actions.
There is a freedom associated with knowing that you cannot be persuaded to do wrong.

What matters to me are values. A person's values determine their path in life and develop a sense of what is important and beneficial for society.

Combine and change this to something like... Values are very important to me; a person's values determine their path in life and develop a sense of what is important and beneficial for society.

Knowing my purpose aligns decisions and actions, improves thinking and overall awarness.

this sentence seems a bit odd... reword this

I think you have chosen a really good topic just fix the minor errors above.

Can you edit and critique my essay? Thanks

nr554

Dec 27, 2011

Undergraduate / How One Sees will Impact How One Succeeds - Cornell: College of Human Ecology [9]

Since the suffering people are getting free food and aid from charity organizations, there --- OMIT farmers have no demand for their crop.

Cornell's College of Human Ecology puts high emphasis on perspective especially in the Policy Analysis and Management major .

ending is good how you tied your self to the essay and I like the re-write much better

Can you read my science and art re-write and critique it?

nr554

Dec 27, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to study law while hanging upside down' - Stanford's Roommate essay [14]

The edited version is much better - with fewer rhetorical questions. To make the conclusion stronger, talk more about the "hope" that "grew".

I hope that one day I will be given the chance to grow.

I really like this part of the conclusion - so keep it! - basically talk more about yourself and less about the flowers in your conclusion: much like this sentence.

also, on mine I put a new edited version.. PLEASE help me with the Indian origin essay!!! Thanks

nr554

Dec 27, 2011

Undergraduate / 'The origin of us' - Johns Hopkins Supplemental [10]

You should focus more on the school and you - talk about how you would "fit in" there - since that is really what admissions wants to know.

Overall, great and descriptive essay :)

Could you critique and edit my science and art essay? Thanks and Good Luck

nr554

Dec 27, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to study law while hanging upside down' - Stanford's Roommate essay [14]

My father did not really understand why I was so persistent on trying to save the flower but nonetheless he was ambivalent and gave me a hearty o.k.. He did not see its potential as I did. I, like the flower, have been cast off by society. A week earlier I overheard a conversation between my father and his boss. Dad tried to convince his boss that I was a bright student who was performing well in every subject thrown at me but he failed. This haughty man said, "Your son is nothing special, anyone could succeed at the school he goes to."
This man who had the pretentious idea that public school was no good; this man who believed the poor should stay poor; this man who goes against the very ideals the American dream is based on is our superior? Like the roaming cosmo, why can't I wonder the lawn we call the world to find my place to thrive? My roots took hold in a hopeless place desperately grasping for solid land. It's not my fault that I grew up in ghetto town or that my parents can't afford to pay the bills so why shouldn't I get the chance to succeed?
A month after my dad was fired from his job and my family's condition began to worsen. I myself began to lose weight rapidly so I rationed any food that came my way. Despite it all, my hope and the cosmo grew. The cosmo I had taken on had grown to immense proportions reaching over six feet, surpassed the proud delphium. I hope that one day I to be given the chance to grow.

I would try to shorten the green part above - I think there are too many rhetorical questions. Also, create a stronger conclusion - it is a bit weak compared to your introduction.

Could you please edit one of my revised essays? Thanks and Good Luck!

nr554

Dec 27, 2011

Undergraduate / 'a child of science' - Cornell: CAS Supplement [10]

My advice would be to maybe talk more about Cornell and you at Cornell - since the majority of the essay is about your family and science during your school years. Maybe omit some sentences about the school years and talk more about Cornell.

Also, can you give mine another read... I posted an edited version this time and can you come up with a question that would be answered by my essay (its apart of the prompt) Thanks

nr554

Dec 27, 2011

Undergraduate / 'a child of science' - Cornell: CAS Supplement [10]

I really like the re-write. Very good and to the point.
the best thing is your unique voice that emanates through each sentence of this essay! All I can say is wonderful... wouldn't change a thing!

nr554

Dec 27, 2011

Undergraduate / 'a child of science' - Cornell: CAS Supplement [10]

On one end of the spectrum, molecular interactions within an organism never failed to impress.

But, I my love for biology was sealed in high school.
***OMIT

Wow! Amazing essay! This is really spectacular - Good Luck!

Do you mind giving my "science and medicine" essay a critique?

nr554

Dec 27, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Exciting economics' - Columbia University Economics short [2]

I'm enjoying learning about the various theories of supply and demand, and incentives.
Try to avoid using contractions in your college essays: change it to "I am"

Not only do I like this new perception, I also find humorous relief in knowing that theoretically everybody makes rational decisions. Moreover, I am fascinated by how economics addresses and provides potential solutions to externalities and market failures. I am learning that manufacturing pollution exists because there is a higher economic incentive to pollute versus taking costly steps to reduce emissions. Also, factories do not have to pay the higher health expenses pollution causes in residential areas.

Once the cause is revealed, it interests me to know it is possible to rearrange and strengthen certain incentives through laws and taxation.

I am also inspired by the effect economics has and can potentially have on environmental policy and poverty issues.

Overall, great job and well written, other than some minor errors (above) it is perfect! Good Luck!!

Also, could you critique my science and art essay?

nr554

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My Indian origin' - Brown Supplement [6]

My advice is to rewrite it.

Isn't there anything I can keep with major reconstructing instead of completely scrapping it and re-writing? Any ideas in this that you think I could draw from in my re-write?

nr554

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Question - Is playing an instrument an okay topic for the Common App's long essay? [5]

Oh sorry about that! Regardless I still think you should think outside of the box and surprise them! Maybe play off of another talent of yours or like you said something personal that shows them your inner emotions!

Good Luck!

Could you please give any of mine a look and critique them?

nr554

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / How One Sees will Impact How One Succeeds - Cornell: College of Human Ecology [9]

One thing - you used "effective" three times so change the diction.

Criticism: the last paragraph talks too much about what the school offers and how great it is for the specific field of study. The school already knows that and basically want to know how what you could bring to their already amazing program. If you would like to praise the program - do it in a short, simple sentence. Use the essay to talk about yourself and your plans for future in context of their college/let them imagine you at their university.

Overall excellent and wonderful!!
Good luck!

nr554

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Question - Is playing an instrument an okay topic for the Common App's long essay? [5]

Perhaps you should pick a different experience or story to tell colleges - something that lets them see you as an individual and not just someone with musical interests or academic pursuits. Talk about something that isn't already on your application but has shaped you or made an impact. Be more personal! Since you already talked about bass in your short answer pick a completely different topic but perhaps tie it in with your passion for playing bass.

Hope that helped!!

nr554

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My Indian origin' - Brown Supplement [6]

Question:
We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you.

Characters: 960/1000 avail

My Indian origin has entrusted me with our ancestor's culture and heritage. My culture encompasses my religion, mother-tongue, and behavior while my heritage includes my values, ideology, and character. Without any of these vital aspects of life, my perspective of the world and my future would differ; thus, my aspirations and goals in life would be dissimilar. Despite my birth in the U.S. and my upbringing in an American environment, the Indian community has shaped me by influencing my style of life and resulting decisions. My political, religious, and moral views have derived from this Indian culture. It is with these views that I have become a unique individual having both Indian and American influences. Due to my diversity, I am able to accept and respect other cultures and their point-of-views. Therefore, I will not only be able to adapt but also contribute to the diverse undergraduate student body at Brown represented by about 93 countries.

This was very quickly written and there are 40 characters still left. If you have any grammar suggestions or anything you feel is missing or I should change PLEASE let me know! Thank you so much!!

nr554

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Rice (Why do you want to study history, What perspective do you bring) [3]

History has, since childhood, filled my dreams with escapades of Marco Polo and heated discussions with leaders like Jefferson, Elizabeth I, or Louis XIV.

In the sixth grade, after discovering the similarities between the Magna Carta and the Declaration of Independence, I spent weeks reading everything I could on the subject. However, the lionized lessons I received in grade school no longer satiated my hunger.

Excellent and great flow of ideas. I really couldn't point too many mistakes out!