Posts by saviorknights

saviorknights

Nov 28, 2008

Undergraduate / Catholic school, September in Florida - Common App Essay PROMPT 2 [6]

Just a heads up, I'm going to read Ms. Gloria's corrections to your paragraph, because I assume that you're going to heed her wonderful advice.

"September in Florida; still shorts-weather." It might just be me, but I don't know what that means. OH! Your use of a colon is awkward here, so I suggest simplifying it by making it into a sentence? But wow, what a good intro.

"My friendly rap on the door was welcomed". "was welcomed" is in the past tense, while the rest of your essay so far has been in the present. *EDIT: Choose a tense, either past or present, and stick with it.

That part between "all the way open" and "Barack Obama" was beautiful. Wow, I'm actually enjoying this at this point.

"He sighed and dropped his shoulders a bit His reply" Missed a period! No worries dear, just a little typo :)

"campaign trail: I doubt I will forget" Hmm, a semi-colon might be better.

Absolutely flawless integration of your examples into your argument!

I agree with Gloria's correction in "day", but in the "biology" example I feel that yours is more accurate if you take out the "and". Actually, I think Gloria's correction in "day" is there because she doesn't see the successive use of semi-colons as a larger categorization normally indicated by commas, so it totally depends on what you think you should do. Personally, however, I don't think your sentence is so ridden with commas that you have to resort to the extremely obscure use of semicolons. You have to weigh your options between being more or less clear at the expense of grammatical accuracy.

I am personally very liberal when it comes to how you begin sentences (as long as they're different), so I suggest that you go with whatever you see as fit.

No, your use of asyndeton is very subtle and appropriate.

I love the structure of your essay! It goes from an easy, clear anecdotal intro to the main part of your anecdote, leading with a logical transition from the question to your background. Then your struggles and how you compensated for them in your main body paragraph... Definitely shows HOW religion is important to you.

Your essay is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I am so incredibly thankful that I'm not writing on the same prompt as you are!

Keep up the good work, and once I get my UC and Olin apps in, I will be glad to read the rest of your essays!

saviorknights

Nov 28, 2008

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - "can I walk the walk?" [7]

Oh NICE! THANK YOU for answering the "describe your world" part so clearly, it makes my life so much easier.

"family and friends that love me and care for me" -> family and friends who love and care for me. Oh wait, this entire sentence is excessive because you just said the exact same thing in the sentence right above this one.

"get angry with me very often" You can use the thesaurus, which also cuts down on a few words.

Okay, your second paragraph is long and excessive. You don't have to put in chatting or TV because that's not really significant in any way (everyone does it!). Just put something like, my mom is like a personal trainer for my work ethic because she helps me ensure that all of my homework and duties are completed. Yeah, don't use that exact sentence. Yeah, we know that all people with one thing on their minds are hardworking because that's the only thing they work for, so you can just say something like: Because my dad spends so much effort to support our family, I feel the raw energy that he expels, which inspires me to put just as much effort in doing what I need to do. Oh yeah, don't just tell me that your dad impacted you, SHOW me.

"times have been harsh where we had to cut down on certain luxuries" Yeah, everyone knows that low-income families have to cut down on luxuries. So that's excessive.

The last sentence in this paragraph is practically identical to the one in your intro.

"can I walk the walk?" PLEASE don't use any cliche phrases. "how to talk the talk" Yeah, no. Okay really, stop using that. And who's "we"?

"business and all of its characteristics was" The second you say "and," the subject becomes compound, so it's "were," not "was".

"get proficient" -> become proficient

"I hear it again and again. I hear the criticism; I hear the degrading remarks; I hear the negative feedback. " Lots of unnecessary "I hear"'s... I hear you already! Addition of colon after the second "again" helps.

"and there's not a soul on this earth who can take that away from me." This is cliche and makes you sound like a raving, obsessive madman.

"But now the questions must be addressed." Don't need it.

"How do I know the vision I have for myself will become reality? How can I be so positive that things will go as expected?" Rhetorical questions are good, but 1-2 per essay, tops.

Second-last paragraph? Totally unnecessary. Scrap it. The entire thing can be condensed into: I'm prepping right now and overcoming obstacles, which will let me achieve my dream. Which you kinda said earlier. 968-156 (in this paragraph alone!!)=812 words already!

"and am posed to rid any self-doubts." The "am" is not necessary.
"My eyes are open; my windshield has been defrosted." Yeah, that too.
"My heart beats with strength and vigor." Yeah, that's enough describing yourself.

"I look forward to each new day and making the most of the many opportunities that I have been granted. I have a vision and I have a plan. I know that through preparation, execution, and overcoming obstacles I can turn my vision to reality." Condense that, choose what is important! You can make that into one sentence!

Ending proverbial phrase is a bit obscure...

Your main problem is connecting your world with your dream. It's there, but it's TOTALLY overshadowed by that huge description of how much or how determined you are to make your dream come true. The UC prompt asks you to explain HOW your world connects to your dream, so that part should be the deepest part of your essay, not how much you want to achieve your aspiration.

I would greatly appreciate it if you would give me some feedback about my essay too!

Good luck!

saviorknights

Nov 28, 2008

Undergraduate / Santorini, Personal Statement [5]

Thank for commenting on mine! I will now reciprocate your efforts :)

Hmm, I think your first sentence may have a run-on because the "while" doesn't really fit... and plus, if the ocean is the only thing in your sight, then why are you seeing a flag too? "Get over" is a really good spot for the thesaurus, as is "strong". You can combine the second-last and the last sentences in your first paragraph to make a stronger, more flowing sentence that kinda emulates the beauty of Santorini.

"Got closer" is another thesaurus spot. You can easily use "approached," but of course that is a bit common too. Oh? "worked so hard for" means that you're going to explain to me how you have worked, whether it be through a struggle in grades, or working for the money. Oh, and make sure to tell me who "we" is. You and your parents?

"Every inch we gained I could see" You need to connect "Every inch we gained" and "I could see" somehow, maybe through using more words, or a comma?

Woah, I didn't know cities flowed!

"The tiny details such as the door leading to a home built right into the volcano's walls really caught my eye." Add a comma after "details" and "walls" to make that phrase clearly modify "details".

How is a volcanic city ever "pristine"? Wouldn't it be covered in charred rocks and stuff? Describe how it's pristine, maybe how the entire place is so well organized around and in the mountain? I don't know, it's your call. At least you explained a bit, but as you said, only "partly".

"Surrounded by new friends who would now take permanence in my life-" If you're going to use a dash, make sure both sides of the dash are complete sentences. Right now, the part before the dash is a dependent clause; do you see it? Same thing for the next dash. My my, you use a lot of dashes. Try not to use so many, maybe 1-2 at MOST because it makes you seem like you only know how to use dashes to describe what you feel.

"I had made this trip possible for myself and I knew I was making every second worth it, by simply noticing the bright blue doors and taking in the endless view of the ocean I could see as I stood on the ledge of this volcano." That's a fat run-on sentence. Read it out loud.

What is the prompt, by the way?

saviorknights

Nov 28, 2008

Undergraduate / The love for politics was planted in me at a young age but did not have the opportunity to sprout [10]

"in a familiar environment, I had immigrated" That's a completely separate clause, so in order for that to work, you need a colon.

"I'm a second class citizen" Your entire paragraph is in the past tense, but "I'm" is a contraction of "I am," which is the present tense.

Great intro, though you do use a lot of dashes, but if you feel that it is necessary (which I think it might be too), go ahead, be bold!

Again, as I said in some other kid's personal statement, make sure your essay on immigration is OUTSTANDING in both the "great" and "unique" sense, because this is an extremely popular topic.

saviorknights

Nov 28, 2008

Undergraduate / I am shedding tears - UC Prompt #1 Essay [5]

Hello there!
Let's start with basic stuff.
that my mom had left to Korea -> for Korea

for fluidity:
I sought out for a goal, and that was to work -> which

Now for the main part... It's a bit random, because I'm too lazy to organize it:
Vary your sentence structure, especially what you begin with. For example, at the beginning, you say "I turned..." then "I walked..." then "I turned..." again.

You can condense your first paragraph into one or two really nice, long, complex sentence instead of 4 or 5 short, simple ones. Make sure every sentence really says something important; do we, or admissions officers, really need to know that you threw your backpack on your bed? If it's significant somehow, tell us WHY or HOW. You could argue that it's a detail that helps set the scene or something, but I wouldn't take my chances. You can't explain it to an admission officer when he/she reads your personal statement, so just show it in your essay.

Your second paragraph is very choppy. Short, terse sentences or phrases are usually meant to emphasize a whirring blend of events, something meant to pass by fast; for example, an action scene with people running around and screaming, glass breaking, bullets flying, etc. You also do not tell me why you have shed tears because of traveling between America and Korea. Was it because you felt like you had leave behind and entire life that you spend years building? Was it because you just hated flying? Tell me. And whoa, where did loneliness come from? How did you ever feel lonely, weren't your parents with you? No, on second thought, don't tell me, just put it in your essay. However, I DO like how you posed something seemingly random, "It was a mystery," and then you answered it with the question at the end, "Why now?".

Oh, what barrier was that? Ah, I like how you contrasted warmth and cold, but how did you feel more warmth in the first place? Oh gosh, please combine the sentences with "realization" somehow. Personally, I think a colon would work brilliantly here, because you can just put "realization," colon, then define that realization. Whoa whoa hold up, how did your mom's visit make you realize that you didn't have a childhood anymore? I was under the impression that "quick visit" meant that she lived somewhere else and was only here briefly, so why didn't you feel that your childhood was over before her visit? And how did losing your childhood make you realize that you need to find your own dreams?

"As of young"? Hmm, interesting word choice. "I've always been questioned of my identity" is awkward and in the passive voice. Why did you choose this structure instead of "My identity has always been questioned"? Oooh, it'd be great if you could integrate that question into a sentence, not necessarily in the middle but maybe with a comma, colon, semi-colon, a phrase leading into it, etc? "A question many adults asked me" is a bit excessive. We already know people have asked you the question, and I don't think the specification on adults is really important.

Check your grammar in this sentence: "I am no longer lonely as I filled in those vacancies with my passion and dream." How did you get resilience from studying abroad?

Overall, I get what you're trying to say, which is really good. You do need to combine sentences though, because short, redundant sentences imply a non-proficient writer (especially in the "As of young" paragraph). I suggest reading your essay out loud to see if you sound good, or to a few relatives (who are fluent in English!) besides your parents/siblings to see if they think this accurately describes you.

Do realize that writing about immigration to/from America is a very, very popular topic, and that you should have something in it that makes you stand out from all the other immigration essays.

There, that's my two cents.

saviorknights

Nov 28, 2008

Undergraduate / UC prompt #1 - ""Are you two twins?" [5]

Hey, here's my first UC personal statement. I'm looking for mainly these things:
- Does it flow? (good transitions)
- Am I using enough advanced vocabulary?
- Is there an obvious structure?
- Did I answer the prompt?
- Did you think the "conversation" approach was effective?

Please, feel free to criticize or praise as you like.

Prompt:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Are you two twins?" the lady asks me.
As I lean over to my right, watching my brother throw back a slightly disturbed look on his face, I tell her no, we are not.

"My, isn't youth so precious! Is he older?"
His figure springs up, surging with confidence as my own slumps in resignation. Apparently, one more year's experience does not earn as much seniority as a head of height does. The glee on his face makes me wonder why I'm even with him if I'm going to be continually ridiculed like this.

"Aiya! I am sorry, he just looks so big and mature!" she exclaims incredulously in Chinese. "Do you get along at home? Give poor Mama a lot of stress?"

I smile courteously as I note how much I talk during these large gatherings, while my brother manages to avoid any undesired attention by immediately plunging into his plate of barbequed delectables, allowing me to represent both of us.

And he could not have chosen a better spokesperson.
We may have not been born together, but the relationship between us is almost identical to one between twins because we have been raised not as two separate people, but as one pair. Even by our other relatives and friends, we have been treated and referred to as a single unit, as if our entire world had agreed that our differences were entirely negligible. From clothing and toys to friends and desires, everything of mine seems to be incomplete without his grandiose insignia on it. Up until only a few years ago, even my voice did not belong to me because we sounded absolutely identical.

My parents do provide us with necessities such as a splendid home and plenty of food, but benefits such as lunch, homework help, and a friend at home are all courtesy of each other. Our partnership has taught both of us to cooperate well with others, especially when someone needs help: when I cannot reach, he is my arms; when he is sick, I am his caretaker. We are the only constant in each other's worlds, and therefore the most significant influence on each other. Over time, my desire to improve lives, not just my brother's, has subconsciously materialized until it became one of the most prominent foci of my intentions for the future, or even this very instant.

"Your mother tells me you are even in the same high school; do you see each other on campus often?"
Yes we do, I tell her, we actually happen to be in the same math class. Even though we attend to each others' needs, academically, we are rivals. Every day is an ongoing effort to outdo him, to solve problems that he can't or at least solve them faster. Every time I succeed, I feel more than the glory of triumph because this defines me by my abilities rather than by how similar my brother and I are. It's not difficult to stand out in a crowd; it's being a completely different person from someone who is perceived as your twin that is difficult.

The lady exclaims a bit too loudly, attracting attention from a nearby group of aunts. To add to her complete lack of social awareness, she adds, "But isn't that embarrassing, being in the same class as your little brother?"

It can be awkward, but what better way is there to differentiate between "twins" than to directly compare them? In calculus, we are given only the most basic information required to solve a problem, so all the creative manipulation of numbers and equations is essentially derived from each individual person. This initial opportunity in class has integrated in me a yearning for an education that would allow me to cultivate and expand my ideas, an education that combines my aspiration to be unique, instinct to cherish others, and ambition to create something by my own hands. Isn't it interesting how everything can be traced to a pesky little brother?

"Ah, what a good sister you are, always helping your little brother!" The lady, now with the rest of the aunties, cries amusingly. "You go eat, I want to ask him a few questions too."

As I turn around, I smirk as I leave my brother, Anty, to fend off endless questions from our other aunties.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, and I wish you good luck on your own applications!