Undergraduate / BU Supplement - Roommate - Mulan, Field Report [4]

Thanks for all the comments/critiques! I can't decide if I want to keep this format or just go with my simpler one...

ershad193,
I'm applying as undecided

Undergraduate / (the city life / good impression / medical field) - Boston U Essays [7]

Short Essay: Overall is it good! It clearly shows your main reasons for apply to BU. Just a couple awk sentences here and there.

"However there are still plenty of places I have yet to explore." For some reason, this sentence just felt a bit out of place to me.

"BU's department of chemistry quickly interested me and became even more appealing after I read the descriptions of its fresh new labs and equipment, making it a place desirable to learn for the next four years." By tacking on the "making it a place...", the sentence kinda becomes awk. You should split it up into two sentences.

Roommate essay:

I agree with gotpho on the taking out the first sentence. Just starting with "Let me introduce myself..." is good. I'm slightly worried about the "the name's Zach" part being too laid back but then again you're talking to your roommate so that should be okay! You covered quite a lot about yourself and I feel like its kind of just a whole bunch of hobbies packed together. First paragraph and last paragraph are good, but I feel like your middle two has just too much info. You jump from talking about music in one sentence to eating and then to thinking the next. I'd suggest picking a few hobbies and just elaborating on those. And being more personal! I liked the little humor you added in there though!

Good luck! :)

I'm applying to BU too and does your common app say the supplements are due on the 2nd? I know the official BU site says its due the 3rd...

Undergraduate / 'Swimming' - Common App - Extracurricular activity response [8]

Thank you guys for all the helpful critiques! :) I've edited according to all your notes and am about to turn it in, yay! Thanks again and good luck to you all too!

Undergraduate / Common app essay (topic of choice: Making fudge). [3]

Interesting topic!

"My family think I'm OCD, which, if I'm honest, wouldn't surprise me at all." Cut this. I kind of get this humorous tone from that line and it might be risky to talk about a serious disorder like that.

"I followed the Good Housekeeping recipe to a T" What does "to a T" mean? I'm not familiar with that, but if it is commonly used and I have just been in a cave all my life then you can keep it :)

"The next time I made fudge, it turned into another hot mess." Not necessary. You already talk about your many misses later on.

"Especially during a time like senior year, the process helps to remind me that whatever the outcome, I'll find a way to make it work." I think you can do without this sentence. It's not bad in a way but I feel like its a bit different from the tone or direction of your essay.

Overall, everything is good! Interesting, kind of light but not unprofessional, not at all boring.

Good luck :)

Undergraduate / 'Pennsylvania was where I wanted to spend my life' Lehigh Supplement Unique Aspect [3]

There are many things that draw me to Lehigh, but the key aspect of the school that caught my attention immediately once I heard about it was its location. (either add a transition or just start a new paragraph from here to distinguish that you are going to go into your experience

The wind was flowing freely through my hair as I rode up to the top of the hill. "I'm the queen of the world, " I shouted as I rode down the hill, hair flowing freely behind me . At a mere age of nine , I had decided Pennsylvania was where I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I was originally from New York, but because my father lost his job, my family and I were forced to move to Pennsylvania. I would have never thought that good could come from such a traumatic (too strong of a word) event. When we moved back to New York, I vowed toreturn to Pennsylvania. The feeling of freedom was something that I know New York didn't have.

Being that Lehigh is in the same town that I once lived in is something very special to me. I know that I will feel at home in this campus.

Another unique aspect that caught my attention right away about Lehigh was its student life. The fact that you can make the most out of your college experience really astounded me. (Strange sentence. It might be because you used "you". Either cut it or reword. Also, you making the most out of your college experience isn't really related to Lehigh. You can reword, however, to make it sound like Lehigh give you the most out of your next four years.) Especially when I heard about Late Night Lehigh. These types of activities allow for students to express themselves and meet new people. I love the fact that Lehigh offers so many different clubs and activities for students to learn about themselves along the way. I know that if admitted to Lehigh, I will get the opportunity to try the sports I was not able to do while in High School. I know that I will be able to grow as a person and with these activities I will be able to learn about myself. I can go on about how Lehigh has a great Leadership Program and how it offers so many fraternities and sororities. (If the leadership program and sororities influenced your decision to apply to Lehigh, go on about it. I'd say cut out the "experience" paragraph and elaborate on this) These qualities are only one of many astounding elements that make Lehigh, Lehigh. Once I learned about this, I knew that Lehigh was the college for me.

Overall, you have good points here and there but just needs some more elaborating and rewording! Good luck :)

Undergraduate / 'I want to be remembered' - NYU SUPS [11]

Why NYU:
You talk a lot about the economy and how you want to change it, BUT you didn't talk about NYU, the school. I feel like you save economy for the second prompt because that's what the prompt asks for: your academic interest. For this prompt, you should talk more about the school. You can mention briefly that you feel NYU's strong economy program will provide you with topnotch education, but overall, just focus on NYU! Do you want to go there because it's in the city? Or because the school is very diverse? Or because there are a lot of activities?

Academic Interest:
Good experience, it really reaches out to reader. But now, you have to answer the rest of the prompt! From reading this, I can only INFER that you want to study something that will help people like him. But I need you write it directly in the essay so that the reader doesn't have to infer. Mention your love for economy. Mention how you want to contribute to the change. Basically incorporate what you wrote for the "why NYU" prompt into this one. And don't forget to mention how NYU specifically will help you pursue your dream.

What intrigues you:
I'm guessing that your main point is that you are interested in nutritional science. I was thrown off by the Steve Jobs part and the talking about lawyers and something. Either completely cut out the Steve Jobs quote or find a better way to relate it to nutritional science. Also I'd suggest taking out "Hearing many of my peers are aspired to become lawyers and doctors, I am reminded of my own goal. They have chosen to take courses that would help in their respective future occupation.". Just start immediately by talking about your love for nutritional science. What interests you about it?

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'first impressions are everything' - Boston University Review [11]

Essay starts off very nice, but wording is kind of strange. Later you talk too much about unnecessary things. I'd say keep the first two sentences, but after that, go right into explaining who you are. You don't need the "Facebooking", "parents being nervous" and "helping him move in" parts. It's good that you start talking about your hobbies, but 1. wording/grammar is confusing 2. try to maybe elaborate as to show more of who you are through those activities. The last paragraph definitely shows more of who you are, but I had to read it a couple times to understand. I think I had a hard time understanding because the wording was a bit strange.

My revised version of last para: (but it might not sound like your "voice")
One thing that is unique to me is my strong interest in the decision theory. This is a study of how each person's descions are determined through rationality and the effects of other people's descions against the original subject (I don't know what the decision theory is and I still don't really understand from you short explanation). This overall concept affects how I look at the world and at its surroundings. (From here, I would elaborate more about how this theory affects your perspectives.)

Hope I wasn't too confusing! Good luck :)

and it'd be awesome if you could take a look at my essay!

Undergraduate / (Get Reel on Climate Change / Achievability / Traveler) UBC for BSc -personal profile [3]

1st essay: Good points here and there, but some stuff is worded weirdly. Here are my changes/comments.

Last _____ (add the time you participated because it seems strange to start with "I did this..."), I participated in UNICEF's "Get Reel with Climate Change" competition along with several other teammates. Our goal was to raise youth awareness of climate changes in the International Climate Change Conference. (I changed it because I thought representing a group of people is not really a goal. I might have worded this sentence weird though) In order to raise awareness, we decided to create a video that would briefly cover this topic (something like that)

In brainstorming ideas, we asked many students what their stance was on the issue. The bulk of our time was spent crafting our ideas and the students' ideas into the video's thesis. (I just shortened this "paragraph" cause I felt like the other stuff was unnecessary/structured in a weird way)

We were nationally designated as the first runners up in the competition. Although losing by a hair on a major leadership opportunity discouraged us, we were proud of what we had achieved. From this activity I learned the essence of leadership and the teamwork that it requires . It is the process of social representation to aid in the accomplishment of a common task. (<--- I don't understand this sentence) The social approach that we used is what aided us in our achievement and allowed us to represent the youth. (sentence is in a weird place because you have already moved on to talking about what you have learned. I might be interpreting this sentence wrong, but are you saying that your approach to the video was what led you to "learn the essence of leadership and teamwork"? If so, it needs to be worded differently because it took me a while to understand)

2nd essay: Good answer, but wrong spelling/grammar.

Last year a friend of mine's rejection to Yale made him a statistic - below the seven percent that are accepted. (How do you make someone a statistic? Just say "Last year, my friend was rejected from Yale") At least that is what I thought. I pondered the rejection briefly then flushed it out of my mind; after all, acceptance to Yaleaccepting that Yale was far too high of a target and admittance was nearly inconceivablenearly impossible . This year, however, four of my friends have beenwere admitted to the University of Pennsylvania, two to Stanford, one to MIT, and three to Columbia.

Flabbergasted at the overwhelming amount of acceptances to prestigious institutions, the philosopher in me brought toI began to question my definition of "achievability"what was achievable . What is too difficult? What is impossible? I contemplated these questions every night for many weeks; thinking all the while: had my friend been foolish to apply to Yale? (not sure to fix the grammar in the previous sentence but I don't think you can use semicolon and colon like that) The consensus that I have reached is quite different from my previous mindset of hopelessness.I came to the conclusion thatThere is nothing that is impossible. and only time and determination are needed to achieve. (I dont get this time and determination part.) There is no goal is too high and No attempt is pointless or done in vain. From this I take opportunities and try. (Definitely need to elaborate on 2nd part of the question)

3rd essay: I kind of do yet kind of don't understand this response. The way you worded things is very confusing. Here are my suggestions on how you should change the wording (although I'm not sure if I interpreted your sentences correctly). And yes, you used a lot of "I haves" in this!

- give maybe a sentence or two of background on why you have constantly moved. Maybe something along the lines of "Ever since I was young, my family and I moved many times to accommodate my father's work. As a result, I have attended two different elementary schools and three different high schools." I just made up that background story so it might not be accurate with your life.

- sentence order in first paragraph is weird. first say you attended many different schools. than say something like you thought all this constant school switching would have made it easier for you to adapt, but it hasn't. each time you have had just as hard of a time letting go of your past friends and just as hard of a time making new ones.

- from what I'm reading, it seems as if your challenge is adapting to these new schools. Now how did you overcome this? Your 2nd paragraph doesn't seem to answer that. I don't think its relevant to the prompt.

Sorry if the red and the strikes are kind of confusing! I'm not used to editing on forums >< and I hope I wasn't too harsh. Good luck though :)

and it would be amazing if you could take a look at my common app essay linked below!

Undergraduate / 'like the bridge in the guitar' - Why Conncoll? [4]

1st paragraph:
"Desirability" sounds strange. I suggest you change it to something like "One of connecticut college's most attractive features..." or something like that.

Parts of it are redundant such as the "this college has one of the most exceptional economics..." and "this excites me the most to come to...". You've already mentioned the college's excellent economics program and your desire to attend because of it in the first sentence. So, I suggest cutting those redundant parts out. To now mend the holes from cutting out those parts, you could say something like "Because I plan to major in that field of study, the many experienced economics professors available will provide me with a more than beneficial education."

The "As it has a lower teacher-to-student ratio, teaching will be more Socratic and interesting for me." feels kind of thrown in there. Try adding an "also" to make it flow better. You shouldn't use "lower" because it sounds like your comparing two schools so just say "small" or something like that. I don't understand the "Socratic" part O__O and how a smaller class = more interesting. Instead say how the smaller teacher-student ratio will specifically effect your economics studies.

2nd paragraph:
How will these other studies shape your future? That part might not be necessary. You could say how you are interested in those other studies. The following sentence needs to be more Conncoll specific. Almost every college has a "good educational cirriculum". Is there something specific about the college's classes that will make your studies better? I know that's kind of hard to answer, I just feel like it's not specific enough. How does those classes make you a good critical thinker? Is there something about them that focuses on critical thinking?

3rd para:
I really like the first two sentences! Except I believe it should be "the campus hums to a spirited rhythm..."

"With this I can get to build stronger bonds with my colleagues which will allow room for a closer relationship helping me mature as an individual" Slightly confused. stronger bonds --> closer relationship ---> maturing? I don't understand. Isn't stronger bonds the same thing as closer relationship?

"It might be stressful for some people seeing the same faces again and again but for me this is a positive factor" Unnecessary because you already said you wanna make stronger bonds. As for saying that its close knit campus is one of your main reasons for applying to the college, you can change the word "incredible" from the 1st sentence of the para to "ideal".

"I am looking forward in being part of the Conncoll family." Sounds like you are expecting to get in. Maybe change to "I would really like to become a part of the Conncoll family."

That's all! I understand your main points but you just take out some unnecessary sentences and elaborate! I hope I wasn't too harsh or confusing though! good luck :)

And it would awesome if you could take a look at my common app essay linked below!

Undergraduate / Short extracurricular essay. 'Model UN is the activity I enjoy the most' [5]

I like your short response, but I do agree with kimisizer on how it is kind of choppy.

"As a delegate for Germany (on my school's Model UN team), what should I do to gain the support? I analyzed my position, seeking a reasonable response. "Because stabilizing the society is the best cure..." I stated the view and the position of "my country" and showed the willingness to work with others."

I feel like the entire focus of your response is how this activity taught you certain life skills, so I don't understand how the above sentences has anything to do with it. Is this talking about how you learned about global issues? IMO, you should take that out and focus more on the life skills part. Elaborate. How did being arrogant ruin last year's conference?

I hope this helps! and good luck!

It would be awesome if you could also take a look at my common app essay!