Graduate / On the verge of rounding off what I would consider a successful undergraduate nursing education [3]

This is a powerful essay.

However, the weeks after her....of becoming a Nurse Practitioner. This sentence is too obvious. It says something the reader has already figured out by the time they see the sentence. Can you dig deeper and be more specific?

As an undergraduate nursing student at XXXXX, I purposed to build a formidable... beautiful language here.. formidable is a good word to use for the purpose. I liked your use of 'shattered', too. Very, very good. You should be an EssayForum contributor if you have time. : )

The absence of skilled professionals to intervene prior to my mother's death has served as an impetus to be the most effective nurse practitioner I can be. --- Again here, you repeat that idea the reader has already inferred. It's an important idea, but you can be a bit mysterious and say it in a different way. Make a poignant observation, perhaps involving a relevant statistic.

It has become my life's statement.---I wish I had your writing style!

The circumstances preceding ---- This sentence begins in an abrupt way, and it seems disconnected from the rest of the essay. I think another sentence should precede this one to introduce this important last paragraph.

Undergraduate / Following Nikola Tesla; Texas A&M Qatar Transfer Essay - Personal Statement - Mechanical Engineering [3]

This Tesla theme is a great idea! Any time a student has a 'hero' who inspires her/him into a professional field, it's persuasive to the reader. Many students just say, "Since I was young, I wanted to study engineering..." but that is generic. You made the essay interesting with this theme.

Right here you repeat it unnecessarily:
As a first step in following Tesla to become an engineer, I started ---- Let's not use these words for this purpose, because the paragraph can start in a stronger way by introducing a new idea. Also get rid of this:

taking interest in mathematics, physics and chemistry to understand the basis of engineeri ng. ---If you want to express this point, give an example of a book you read or a concept you discovered. Specificity makes strong writing! : )

...decided to join a leading mechanical engineering school, this lead me to Texas A&M Qatar. In recent years I have read books on Islamic culture---- this is 'non sequitur', and I don't know if I spelled that correctly but it means "does not follow"... it seems confusing to go from deciding to go to a leading school to the next sentence about Muslim contributions. I think the second sentence of this paragraph should be about some great resources at that school, and some factors that make it the best school for your particular aspirations.

After you write about the school, it's great to write about the culture and religion, etc., as you did here.

Doing I intend to do so by working for ... I made this change because the sentence was incomplete.

Great job, this is already a well-written essay.

Writing Feedback / The diagram depicts the stages of manufacturing and process adjustment of the customer goods. [2]

I see that you use 'the' sometimes when it's not needed. Your Engish is almost perfect, wth just a few areas for improvement.

...adjustment of the customer goods. It is noticeable that the good manufacturing is complex procedure ...

.... and information feedback is given to earlier stages to allow for adjustment. --- This part is very good.

And here is a place where 'the' is necessary but you did not use it:
... the input is used in the product planning process.

The only way to improve your sense of when to use the article 'the' is to read often, and perhaps even read aloud to program your brain with the correct habits.

Next, the assembly process ...

Your writing style is excellent, and with just a bit more practice I think it will be perfect. : )

Writing Feedback / The government should balance budgets for healthcare and health education [2]

In the first sentence I see an error:

One of some the parameters which determines determine people's quality of live life is health.

For that reason, virtually every developed country fund funds the healthcare equipment and procedure a lot.

However, I totally disagree with that view because it is one-sided. ---- What view are you challenging? You have not mentioned a view. It's better if you say: ... disagree with that approach.

The government should devide divide those money for both medical application and health education so that peolple people can have better healthcare.

However, funding healthcare only is not as beneficial as spend the budget equally for medic and healthcare education. --- I see that this is your main idea. Well, I wonder if you are correct or not. Health care education is probably the most important investment, but when money it spent on it there may be great benefits or no benefits at all. I like your idea, but I think it's necessary to give some statistics about the cost of equipment and the specific types of investment in health care education.

The plural of this word is the same as the singular version: equipments equipment
reseacrh --- I see many misspellings, so you should use a spell-checker in your word program.

: )

Writing Feedback / Objection of skyscrapers is unreasonable [2]

Your structure of writing is excellent. You have explained the argument and also the counter-argument, and you refuted the counter-argument. This is very impressive, and there are just a few places where the grammar can be fixed:

... because tall buildings are the most efficient accomodations for an overcrowded city.

First of all, the construction of skyscrappers skyscrapers is surounded surrounded by harmful materials and heavy machines so that they are affraid afraid of high accident ...

Most of them also belive believe ...

Use plural in this situation:
... to natural disasters such as earthquakes .

This case is also has potential to reduce....

... seem dangerous, I totally support the view that cities to should ...

: )

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Masters in IT for Business analytics [2]


I think people too often say, "I have always been interested in..." so the people who read these essays get tired of seeing it. Let's think of a way to catch the reader's attention at the start of the essay. I'll keep reading until I find something that catches my attention.

...to become expert in Data analytics and use this experience to further grow as Data strategist. --- This is not a goal. This is a means to an end. Do you know that expression? A means to an end is a method for achieving the real goal. If you want to excite the reader, think about your degree program, and even your career, as a stepping stone on the path toward achieving the real goal.

And what is the real goal? You want to attend this school to become an expert in analytics, and you want that expertise because it will empower you to do something. What is it you want to do with this expertise? I wonder if you have a vision for the future in which you apply your talents to positively society, or people's lives, in a specific way.

Given the abundance of data at their fingertips, Telecom Service Providers and vendors are --- Here is a great sentence! I added one word. This was the first sentence that caught my attention. For that reason, I suggest putting it right up at the top. This is the 'hook' that hooks the reader's attention.

Given the abundance of ... I realized importance of learning data analytics as a major subject to drive business successfully.--- Brilliant. You should put this paragraph up at the top. This is the introduction paragraph.

I believe SMU's Master of IT in Business- Analytics program will help me to learn necessary tools specially in data analytics, which I can use for analyzing Telecom data. I believe that t This master's program is the best graduate study that suits my long term career aspiration.---- Stop saying "I believe". :-) Never say it again. If you believe it, say it. There is no need to qualify it by saying it is what you believe.

It's very common to begin an essay with sentences that just convey information without appealing to the reader's interest, but then after a few paragraphs the writer gets her/his groove on. Sometimes it's a good idea to write a draft, like this one, and then wait a day or two and read it to see where you find the first sentence with real energy. Put that sentence at the top of the essay, and start over again! Develop that single, interesting idea that you use to support your argument in favor of analytics as a path to achieving a real positive impact.

Great job!

Undergraduate / "Bump, set, spike" COLLEGE ESSAY ADVICE! Volleyball Struggle Essay! [4]

This is great! You definitely have strong writing skills. Most people can't write so well. I think you'll enjoy reading books like Strunk and While's Elements of Style, or anything by Diana Hacker or Ursula LeGuin. We have a writer on our hands, people.

So, I'll tell you about one of my favorite writing tricks:

Scan through the essay, and find a spot where it has some really intense energy. Experiment with moving that part up to the top, so it's the first thing the reader sees. Image if the essay began like this:

I started to get angry. (One might think that my rage would help me to serve the ball over the net. Don't be fooled.) I couldn't stand watching games from the side anymore. I realized...

Why it works: When we write, we sometimes take a few minutes to get to the heard of the matter. But when we get there, we can move the heart of the matter up to the top where people will see it immediately. Then, they read the rest of the essay with intrigue.

Is it necessary to keep that first paragraph, or can you build on this intriguing part and scrap the introduction? To me, it seems the value of the introduction is that it demonstrates your excellent writing skill. But no matter what you write, that will be apparent. It might be better to begin with the 'getting angry' part, intrigue the reader, and then transition into a discussion of how this volleyball adversity relates to the challenge of pursuing your clear goals for college & career. Make the connections, so the reader can appreciate the way you notice common principles underlying sport and academia. Show that you have a crystal clear vision of the future.

No matter what the essay prompt is, the goal remains the same. Help the reader reach a conclusion that the writer of this essay should be given any opportunity that interests her, because she's one of those rare people with real drive, inspiration, and clear goals/plans.

Graduate / Direct Entry Masters of Nursing Statement of Purpose, Final Draft Critique Due in 5 days [5]

Let's be more strategic about how we begin the essay. The beginning should rock the reader, maybe surprise the reader. But this essay begins with something that is only informational:

I have chosen to apply to - 's general entry program as
This should be preceded by an interesting sentence. The reader's deepest impression is formed in the first few seconds of reading.

...is to become a compassionate advanced nurse practitioner, capable of building relationships with patients while attending to their medical needs.--- This seems generic and formal. Building relationships is only one of many aspects of the work. I'll keep looking for something intriguing in the essay.

For five years, I watched as my mom devoted her time to aid her in any way possible. Whether it was after work or going home for lunch, she spent all of her free time administering medications, helping my grandmother with basic needs, and somehow still made time to take care of me and my younger brother. She couldn't change the inevitable, but seeing her wholehearted altruism for my... -- This last part is especially great. Great writing here... Now, I've crossed out some parts that are weak. It's the same thing I do with my own writing. Cut the weak parts, and keep only the stuff that rocks the reader, with imagery words and action verbs. Shock the reader with something she didn't expect.

That's my advice, but this is already great and I hope you enjoy your studies.

Writing Feedback / 'American dream' Writing a Synthesized Essay, tips, help, guidance or advice? [3]


That's okay, it's better to use a thesis statement the way readers typically expect.

This will be easy for you to craft; you communicate very well. You mention that you had trouble understanding the articles, so I suggest this:

Read one of them, and look for their thesis statement. Pause on that statement near the end of the introduction, and listen for your mind to 'say' something about it.

I'll do that now, and I'll type a sentence whenever I get an idea from my own mind in response to the article:

Speth challenges his reader to think about what the American Dream really is.

Speth makes an argument that materialism prevents happiness. For example, "[paste a quote]..."

What does 'synthesis' mean in this assignment? It means you 'get the point' of one article, and you 'get the point' of the other article, and then you.... explain what implications the second article has for the message of the first article.

You say it is killing you, and it is difficult, but I think you actually just hold yourself to a high standard and you think this is more complex than it really is. If a young kid needed to know the meaning of the Speth article, you could find it easily and explain it. But because this is for your class, you might think it's more complex than it really is. And "unpack" just means to identify the main idea. "Uninformed reader" just means you explain the articles as if you were talking to someone younger than you.

You might not know what to do yet, but that's because it's not time yet to know what to do. First, read something and write something:

You do have the ability to catch Speth's message. So use one sentence to say what it is. Then, use another sentence to explain your first sentence a little more.

After that, move on to the next article. Write a sentence to express what the article's message/meaning is, and then listen for what your mind comes up with when you think of the two articles together.

: )