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Posts by alirulez
Joined: Mar 24, 2012
Last Post: Apr 22, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 21  
From: India

Displayed posts: 24
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alirulez   
Apr 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Advantages and disadvantages of staying away from families. [15]

Hi Wang,

I appeared for GT, so the reading test for bit easy.
My essay topic was:

People nowadays has forgotten the real meaning and importance of national celebration and festivals.
What are the reasons for it ?
How this situation can be overcome ?

I think I did bit ok, but time was really a big constraint.

I guess u are preparing for academic ?
alirulez   
Apr 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Advantages and disadvantages of staying away from families. [15]

Hi Wang,

I thought so that your mail bounced back. But sorry for not coming back to you. Just finished with my IELTS exam today, so wont require the materials now. Anyway thanks for all your help, I would ask you back for the materials in case I need it again :-)

Regards,
Ali Sayed
alirulez   
Apr 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Advantages and disadvantages of staying away from families. [15]

Thanks X. Wang,

I concur with you. So the correct structure in that case would be:

1. Intro
2. 2 points of Advantages and 1 point of disadvantages for children staying away from family.
3. 2 points of Advantages and 1 point of disadvantages for children staying with from family.
4. Conclusion

Does this makes sense ?
alirulez   
Apr 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: In certain cultures old age is considered to be more important [12]

Hi Luca,

Thanks for your valuable feedback.
But I do not concur with you regarding the structure of the essay. Most of the IELTS essay topics says to discuss both the viewpoint and give your opinion.

I am sure that it does not mean to give opinion in every para. On the contrary, it means that we need to discuss on both the sides and later in the conclusion para we should present our opinion.
alirulez   
Apr 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS topic. There will be soon no role for teachers in classrooms. [7]

Hi,

I think this one is the best out of all your essays. Still I think some of the word choices could have been better.

No one can argue that technological tools are must-haves for the classroom of today -- This sentence is unclear. I would have written
It is widely accepted that technological equipments(i am using equipment, because tools had already been used in the intro para) are imperative in today's classrooms.

For example, lessons arebecomes more attractive and easier to understand when they are put on a Power Point presentation and then presented with a LCD Projector.-- this sentence is beautifully written.

However, scientists prove that every classroom needs trained staff to use these interactive and innovative ways of teaching. -- I think this one is quite exaggerated. Scientist does not have any role to play over here. You could have made it simple.

However, scientists proveit is no secret that every classroom needs trained staff to use these interactive and innovative ways of teaching.

Hope it helps you. Good Luck
alirulez   
Apr 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Richer nations should help poorer nations in health, education and trade. [4]

Hi,
Your arguments are convincing and the structure is correct. However, you need to work on your Grammatical mistakes, try not to be repetitive in your word choices.

Your introduction is weak, you should not copy the same sentence from the essay topic, it creates negative impact on examiner. i would rate 6 band to this essay(its just my personal opinion)

Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. Poorer nations need help from richer nations in these areas to develop their countries. (You should not copy the same words from the topic. All this words will be directly subtracted from the total number of words in your essay)

Advancement all over the world is clearly visible, all thanks to the technological development. But still there are many countries, lacking far behind in the race of progress. Some people think that it's the onus on the local government of such nations for improvement in the important sectors such as health, education and trade. However, others may contend that help from richer country is indispensable for the growth of less-developed nations.

Firstly, in the area of health, poorer nations normally havedoes not have adequate numberquantity of doctors and nurses to serve the entire population. compared to richer nations. (if you notice the next sentence is not required as it gives redundant information and if you are talking about family planning, then its a off-topic debate) High population in poorer countries due to lack of family planning caused the proportion of doctors unbalance to the quantity of resident . On top of that(In addition is better), poorer nations are lack of hospitals to fulfill the demand of the patientsalso lacks with the required infrastructure and facilities to cope up with the requirement of patients. For instance, advance medical equipment and computer machines imperative for emergency treatment and for probing the cause are not affordable by the small nursing clinics. To solve these issues, richer nations(does not use same words, you can use developed nations over here ) can contribute by delegating doctors and nurses to these power nations as well as by donateing money to build hospitals.
alirulez   
Apr 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Advantages and disadvantages of staying away from families. [15]

After writing this essay, it clicked to me that I had mentioned the advantages and disadvantages of children's staying away from their families.
But not the other way round i.e. advantages and disadvantages of children's staying along with their family are not mentioned.

Little confuse, would require advise if my content is relevant to the topic or if I missed the later part.
alirulez   
Apr 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Advantages and disadvantages of staying away from families. [15]

Topic:
"Many university students live with their families while others need to live away from home because their universities are in different cities. What are the advantages and disadvantages in both situations? Give your opinion"

Recent statistics shows that there has been a swift ramp-up in the total number of students opting for travelling to foreign universities for pursuing higher education. Unveiling such statistics had raised a matter of concerns among people. Some people think that studying from foreign universities is indispensible for a perfect career. However, others may contend that adolescents staying away from their families during the immature age for a year or two could have detrimental effects on them.

It is no secret that that staying independently allows with an opportunity to experience the real world. In addition, it also imparts many imperative qualities. For instances, one can learn ways to overcome their problems independently or to tackle the complicated situations maturely. Furthermore, it also helps in boosting their confidence level to face the world full-of-challenges.

Moreover, residing in a different country could also provide with an opportunity to explore other's cultures, principles and dogma. Every culture holds its own unique morals and ethics. One can inherit such qualities to become a good human-being.

On the other hand, sending children to a different country can be costly to pocket, which only richer section of the society can afford. For instance, one needs to spend huge money on accommodation, food and travelling plus the costly universities fees. In addition, the fact that parent holds no control on their children due to their independent lifestyle, may provoke children to lose focus from their path and indulge in un-ethical activities or bad habits.

To sum up, I would conclude that benefits of staying in foreign countries to pursue higher education outweigh its disadvantages. Not to neglect that with proper guidance and practising constant touch with their children, parents can make sure that their children stay focus to their goals and mission.
alirulez   
Apr 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: In certain cultures old age is considered to be more important [12]

Hi,

I think your essay is pretty good. Although I found many awkward framing of sentences and grammatical errors at places, but still I was able to understand your ideas well.

Your first 3 paragraphs were ok, but the 4th was quite unclear to me.
I had done some correction to the first 3 para, similarly you can try to correct your 4th and conclusion para as well.

On more point, the last sentence in your second para is little off the track. Your points were well convincing in the whole 2nd para, but you concluded in the end that "respests for elders are justifiable because of so and so reason". But the topic says why old people or young people are important, and not why we respect elders. There's actually a very minor difference but could cost your band score. So its safe to not meander off the essay topic .



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alirulez   
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: In certain cultures old age is considered to be more important [12]

Wow !!!
Great Thanks Mate.. Never gave a thought to this. This is really helpful , will keep in mind for my future essays.
Overall, what you think about this essay. How much would I be able to score with this one.

And one more question.. What you recommend for "IELTS Trainer", I had gone through many books, so would wait for a correct review before going through this.
alirulez   
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic:Environmental issues"international Cooperation vs National participation" [7]

Hi,

I always enjoy reading your essays. Your essays are compact with correct structures and does not meander in terms of its topic. A good sense of vocabulary, with 3 or 4 complex sentences in every essay. I have been through the model essays ranging from 5 to 9 band, so I think this one can score 8 band (just my opinion)

Good luck..
alirulez   
Apr 12, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: In certain cultures old age is considered to be more important [12]

Many thanks Susan..
I can see that re-framing the sentences with your version, really increases the readability of essay and makes it more beautiful.
Thanks for pointing out the grammatical error and spelling mistakes, your feedback is really helpful
alirulez   
Apr 12, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: In certain cultures old age is considered to be more important [12]

Topic: "In certain cultures old age is considered to be more important while in others it's the opposite, children are thought to be more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion."

Every cultures and society consist of varied mixture of different age group people.Since many years, it has been a controversial topic to identify what age group rendered most towards society welfare. Some people think that young people is indispensable for the development of the society. Whereas, others, whilst may content that older people's contribution towards better society is colossal.

Admittedly, old people holds galore information and invaluable experience in many spheres of life. The fact that they are exposed to the real world for a good amount of year, make them perfectly capable and eligible for upholding the overall responsibility to make the society a better place to live in.

Furthermore , it cannot be denied that old people not only carry imperative qualities such as good morals and ethics, truthfulness, sincerely and respect, but also act as a pristine source in imparting or inheriting such qualities to young people. Moreover, it is also true that adolescents maintain discipline and decorum because they are being controlled and guided by elders.

However, young people are the future of society. It is excepted that younger generation are very assertive in nature, physically and mentally stronger and dedicated to their goals and aims. Since they are recent graduates from colleges, their mind is fresh, capable of innovative and out of box thinking and updated with the latest technological skills and information.Such important qualities are obligatory to boost the society's economy. They are boon to the society.

To sum up, I would concede that people from all age group is important to society.Each age group people has their unique role and hold equal shares of responsibilities towards the progress of society.
alirulez   
Apr 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS topic. Testing on animals and keeping them in unnatural conditions [5]

Hi Luca,

Its a common problem faced by everyone attempting to write essays for IELTS.
But there are couple of tips and tricks that you should follow.
Firstly, before starting to write your essay, try to jot down the ideas or points on the scratch papers about both the sides of the arguments(don't invest more than 5 min for this).

Perhaps, 1 to 2 points for opposite view and 2 to 3 about your standing view should be sufficient.
Now start framing your essay with the help of these outlines that you had mentioned on scratch paper. Try this, it may help you to complete your essay in the given time-slot.

Also, follow this strict structure:
1 Para : Introduction
2 Para : Ideas about the opposite view
3 and 4th Para : In regards to your view
5th Para : Conclusion
alirulez   
Mar 31, 2012
Writing Feedback / Dealing with first-time offenders and criminals - essay [3]

Your arguments are quite accurate. You have a good sense of vocabulary.
But I think, you should try to make your essay more compact, by re-structuring the sentences in more organized way.

I have worked on the first 3 para, similarly you can work for the 4 para and conclusion



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alirulez   
Mar 28, 2012
Scholarship / Subjects such as Art, Sport and Music are being dropped from the school curriculum [2]

kthanhpn
Your middle para is the best out of the three. The first para usually should touch the main topic of the essay, which is not the case over here. In short, the first para should be the summary of your essay in 3 to 4 sentences.

There are some grammatical error.

Also, the first sentence of your second para talks about mobile phone and communication, which seems to be out of topic. On the contrary, you should have talked about the importance of computers, internet and software/applications
alirulez   
Mar 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / should smoking be banned completely? [2]

Grammatical errors at couple of places, you need to work on framing your sentences in more organized way.



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alirulez   
Mar 25, 2012
Writing Feedback / Computers' negative & positive effects on children; 'strategic games' [6]

Thank you chalumeau, really appreciate your efforts for correcting my essay.
I am now convinced, that I have a long way to go.

Thanks Saidakhror for your advice.
I will indeed work on my grammar.
Would you be able to rate this essay according to the IELTS band?
alirulez   
Mar 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / Computers' negative & positive effects on children; 'strategic games' [6]

Dear freinds,

I am preparing for IELTS exam and need to work on writing part. This is my first essay in EssayForum, any kind of advice and suggestions with respect to my grammar will be appreciated.

Topic: "Using a computer everyday can have more negative than positive effects on children. Do you agree ? Explain your opinion with relevant examples ."

In today's, modern, swift, technologically developed world, computer is not merely a advanced device, but has become a staple of everyone's life. No Matter whether the task is personal, professional or academic, achieving it with great perfection without being reliant on computer is inevitable. Yes, I would content that the use of computer at an early age would have far more, better, colossal benefits than its detrimental effects. In the below mentioned paragraphs, lets focus on the pristine benefits and advantages of using computer from an early age.

The current education system induces a great amount of mental pressure on the students. Indulging computer and internet with the studies could make the curriculum more interactive and interesting. Learning vast syllabus and diverse topics in different areas can often force a student to opt for rote learning without putting stress on their brain, such method further lead to strait-jacket the children's cognitive skills. In contrast, use of computers and internet for exploring such topics will help in achieving an in-depth knowledge and understanding the topics from its roots. It can further stemmed to make them a good abstract thinker as well.

It is also worthy to galvanize the use of computer for children's leisure activities during their free time. There are galore strategic related computer games available in the market. Playing such games are a good way of increasing concentration level, boosting self-confidence and improving the thinking capability.

These days, every single job openings comes up with a requirement of mandatory computer knowledge with hands-on on the rudiments of computer skills. Having one explored to such skills in early age would apparently prepare them for their professional lucrative jobs.

But one should also not avoid the detrimental affects on health by using computers continuously for extended hours. Guidance of parents and elders is a must when children's deals with computers, especially to supervise if they are not addicted to any tantalizing, restricted websites that contains in-decent and violent materials.

To sum up, I would concede that computer use from early age in the children's life is of pinnacle importances and its disadvantages can be easily curbed with proper guidance and constant supervision.
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