Undergraduate / SMU Essay; Achievements and Volunteer Work [9]

I'm totally out of confident in this essay. It was terrible when I have to combine my 700-word common app essay and 900-word activities essay to this 300-word one.

As Kevin have said in Stephanie's post, they should have allow more than 300 words :(. I feel like 'rushing' my activities to the paragraph.

Thanks in advance for your comments. Is my first paragraph too lengthy? I even didn't have space or a conclusion, 'cause it was 350 words already.

Prompt: In not more than 300 words, list and describe highlight of your three most valuable achievements, contributions and experience in context of three activities...

At grade 10th, after failing to get into my desired highschool, I became lost confidence in myself, I joined a basketball club, with hope that playing sport would help me get out of the depression. However, starting as a newbie, I found it hard to participate in a real match. No one wanted me in their team, so I could only watch others playing. Everyday was the same with practicing skills and watching; if I had not got the chance to play, I would have always been a newcomer. My only advantage on the court was that I was taller than most players; therefore, to gain others' attention, I determined to perfect the dunk. After 6 months, I've been able to dunk, which really amazed my peers. I tried my best in the rarely matches that I was allowed to play, and the coach and everyone has acknowledged my effort.

Such small achievement had a significant impact on me, as it helped me regain my confidence. With a better spirit, I signed up for volunteer trips to Thai Nguyen province to collect information on the background of the disabled people who were going to receive free wheelchairs. Listening to their story, I was deeply moved, and I was glad that I could contribute a little effort to the program that was helping them.

I also volunteer as a teacher for disadvantaged children at Youth House, I have chance to meet many foreign volunteers. Though coming to my country with voluntary purposes, they also want to explore Vietnam. I often take them to the Old Quarter streets in Hanoi, introduce them traditional food, and help them buy souvenirs. It is a really good experience as I also learn more about my country as I share with them Vietnamese culture.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essays - Volunteer job and Education. (Deadline March 09) [8]

Hi, please help me over my scholarship essay for DePauw, deadline is March 09, and I only got invitation letter on March 01 =.=. Thank you guys a lot.

Here's the prompt

Please address the following in no more than two to three, single spaced pages (please use 12 point font and 1" margins). The Faculty Selection Committee will evaluate your essay based on clarity of thought and organization of the essay.

DePauw's Ubben Lecture series recently brought Greg Mortenson, author of "Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace ... One School at a Time," to campus. Mortenson has spent much time during the last fifteen years building schools in rural Pakistan and Afghanistan. During his lecture, he stated, "...the real enemy -- whether it's in Africa or Afghanistan or here in the U.S. -- the real enemy is ignorance, and it's ignorance that breeds hatred. And to overcome ignorance, we need to have courage, we need to have compassion, and most of all, I think what's so important is that we need to have education." He went on to say, "What I'm trying to share in [my new book] is that, really, all of us can make a difference, and I also think that it's so important that we exude hope, love and compassion -- all of those things -- it's really what's going to bring about a better world."

To what cause would you commit a substantial amount of time and energy to bring hope to those in need? How would you use your education to support these efforts?

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I was walking on a boundless prairie. The wind was tickling my ears, whispering something; its tenderness made me feel safe and secure. Suddenly, the sky changed from blue to an ominous red, while the wind stopped caressing and started raging. I could not feel calm any longer, and instinctively, I began to run. The faster I ran, the harsher the wind slapped my face. I knew that this wasn't a fair race, but I kept running ... I ran ... I ran. The wind stopped, I stopped, and I realized that I was standing on the same starting point all along; it was futile escaping such infinite place, I turned my head around, there was only grass, grass, and grass. The sky changed its color again, to a hopeless black. I gave up the idea of escaping this place; it was darkness everywhere ...

Bounced up from my bed, "such a weird dream" I thought. The apprehension of being stuck there still lingered on me; luckily, it was just a nightmare. Ironically, on another bed, another boy was living the same nightmare. His bed was truly a limitless prairie: he could never get out of the bed by himself; he was disabled.

That kind of dream made me recall my trips to Thai Nguyen province to conduct a survey for Humanitarian Services for Children of Vietnam organization. The purpose of the survey was to learn more about the background as well as the daily life of the people who were going to receive free wheelchairs, so we could gauge how much their lives would be improved one year later with those wheelchairs. We volunteers asked the receivers multiple-choice questions, however, they tended to give us more information than to follow the dull letter A,B,C ... in the answer sheets. I had thought of how dreadful it was to be paralyzed before, but through their story, I knew that my imagination was just a proportion of the reality.

I always admired the mother who cared everything for her twenty-seven-year-old son, who suffered from polio since childhood. The son, who would have been the pillar of the family, now sat in the wheelchair in front of me, looked just like a twelve-year-old boy. He couldn't do anything by himself; he even needed help from his mother only to sit still on the chair. The son wasn't conscious about his condition, as his nervous system was also damaged; however, his mother had born with it for 27 years. She kept talking about her son when I asked her survey questions. Of course I dared not interrupt her story for she was sharing with me her pain, and the least I could do was to listen. "I hope so", she responded to the question "Do you think the wheelchair will make his (her son) life better?" I saw that hope was all she could do at that moment, and also the only thing we volunteers could give her. Hope that she could still look after her son for the continuing years; hope that our free wheelchair - such an expensive thing for her family - would help her son move from place to place easier.

I remembered clearly how sorry I felt for her, and how burning I wanted to alleviate her trouble. That was simply sympathy, the sentiment that linked us human together, and also what have driven me to be a volunteer. Calling back the dreams of being stuck in one place, unable to move an inch, to raise even an arm, I could have a little taste of the life of those disadvantaged people. The fear was so much that I started struggling in vain trying to get out, just to notice that I was sleeping on my bed, how fortunately. I have comprehended their hopelessness, as well as their resignation to the current life. Those I met and their family were just too poor to afford a wheelchair, though they knew that their life could only better with one. They could have better life however. I'd seen many successful people on the wheelchairs. Therefore, I felt moved to know that they now had the instrument to enhance their life, and I even moved more to know that I could contribute a little effort to the program. It was comprehensible that if you got joy over the thing you had done, you would not regret the amount of time and energy you had spent.

Standing among the hall with so many people on the wheelchairs also helped me know that to be able to walk, to not be restrained on those cold chairs, was a priceless gift. It was unfair that the son above was born healthy just like me, like most of us so lucky people, with all the chances to run, to talk, and to smile. If he had been vaccinated to prevent polio properly like us, he would not have been stolen all those chances. To save equality in this world, I thought it was necessary for a person with better luck, to help others not as lucky as him. It was just a way to express your gratitude to the gift that live had given you, and in turn, received thanks from the people you'd helped. Your day could be brighten up by just one phrase "thank you", one grateful smile, or one compassionate hug. Wasn't it worth your precious time and effort?

Experiencing the voluntary job, as well as observing other fellow volunteers, I learned that beside passion for your work, your knowledge and experience also played an important role. Some of my jobs required the application of my education directly, such as teaching disadvantaged children, or translating documents (for a poverty-alleviation program). How could I be a teacher, if my knowledge was just on the same level with that of my students; how could I translate anything, if my command of language was insufficient. With what I learned at school, I was capable of doing the mental-required job. However, I was taught at school to solve a hundred integral problems, not about solving a single problem of confronting with a child. It was hard to persuade a naughty boy into to study, and it required none of my mathematics knowledge, but an understanding of child behavior as well as social skills. That time, I was sent to a training course hold by the organization that I was working in. They taught me how to play with children, how to respond to their demands, and to put them to study. Though the course was fairly short, I learned to think differently, and therefore, act differently. I didn't perceive that teaching there was granting favors to the children anymore, but rather helping my younger brothers or sisters, so that I wouldn't feel frustrated about their insolence. Only through a sentimental link can we understand each other, and build a sustainable relationship, as a family's members, not as that of students and teacher. The course really helped me continue my job; if I had not been trained, I would have found no way to overcome the obstacle.

I'm now reaching the door to a higher education stage - the university, the opportunity that many young people in Vietnam don't have. Their family cannot afford them the secondary school's cost, and they have to make some money by the age of 15 or 16. Therefore, people who have a better opportunity like me should put the education I get to use. Adding to my current compassion for the less-lucky people, the skills and knowledge I acquired in the university will help me contribute more to the community. Hope that one day, I will not only stop having those scary nightmares, but also help others get out of the nightmares that they're living.

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Do you think I should have a conclusion, and does the part about education seems a little bit drift off from the whole essay?

Thanks in advance :D

Undergraduate / What domestic or international travel destination best defines you and why? [7]

Geez, I'm really daunted by the 250 characters limit. You can see the prompt on the subject, however, I'll still put it here:
"What domestic or international travel destination best defines you and why?"

This is my first draft, which in the form of a poem:

Da Lat, the city of spring
Just like me, a bubbly boy full of spirit.
Da Lat, the beauty under mist
Just like me, wait for you to reveal the fog.
Da Lat - Dat Aliis Laetitiam
"Bring happiness to others"
And I'm here, ready to share your trouble.

However, I'm really sad that I cannot submit the above version =.=, though it's under 250 characters. Therefore, I have to change it to prose, do you guys think it is ok this way?

Da Lat, the city of spring. Just like me, a bubbly boy full of spirit. Da Lat, the beauty under mist. Just like me, wait for you to reveal the fog. Da Lat: Dat Aliis Laetitiam -

"Bring happiness to others", and I'm here, ready to share your trouble.

I really need help on punctuation, when switching from poem to prose, I dun know those dots should be changed to comas or not :((
Thanks for your feedback

*Note: Da Lat is a famous touring city in Vietnam for its flower, the clammy weather, as well as its mysteries. It is also called the city of love, the city of flowers, and the city of ghost :D.

Undergraduate / Macalester supplement - 'minor problem with our cultural difference' [11]

Well, this prompt is for international applications.

My essay is mostly criticized as offence to the readers. I really need your comment on how to reduce the offensive aspect of my essay, cuz when writing it, i didn't mean to offend anyone :((. I'm thinking about writing a brand new essay, but tomorrow is the deadline =.=, so if you guys have any suggestion on improving this one, please help!

Sorry in advance if anyone of you find this piece of work offensive.
Prompt: Describe a situation where you had to work or closely associate with someone from a culture very different from your own. What challenges did you face and how did you resolve them?

...

Here is the sup for SJU (Minnesota). Deadline in few hours, I don't want to start a new thread so please moderators, delete my Macalester essay, they have quite the same topic :D

Here's the prompt: "How has your ethnic background and/or your involvement with cultural activities in your school and community helped you to better appreciate diversity? How do you intend to use your knowledge and skills to further the CSB/SJU goal of deepening intercultural understanding?"

Being a teacher, the least thing you want is to stand alone before a large class where students range from 6-14 years old. Regarding their ages, each requires particular attention. I teach in that kind of special class at Youth House, a place for children living in the fishing village near Red River.

The first time I got here, it was as if I stepped into a sub-cultural group so different from mine, like I was from a different generation. It was normal that children are naughty, but they behaved so different from my standard. On my first experience as a teacher, I was harassed with weird questions, to which I honestly answered "I don't know". After showing my ignorance to those children's world, I seemed to be rejected by them. They did not obey my instruction, did not answer the prompt I gave them even though they could. Many times the frustration raised and made me want to give up. Was the few-year gap between them and me that large?

However, as headstrong as those children were and was also more triumph-seeking, I didn't give up. After all, we were all Vietnamese, such small difference in age could not diverge us. I asked other more experienced volunteers about the children background, and I even visited their place near Red River. They didn't have even one-half the accommodation I had, and their parents were often too busy maintaining their life that they could not look after fully their children. That's why my students were quite disobedient, and sometime were even aggressive. Knowing the reason of our difference, I approach them in a different way, using presents for commendation rather than punishments for their waywardness. Though I have tried hard, the disparity line cannot be fully eradicated, and their naughtiness still often made our teaching time like a small fight.

Youth House welcomes foreign friends every few weeks. They also teach here, and if there are foreign teachers, we Vietnamese volunteers must ensure that they can interact with those children. After all, those friends come here to know more about Vietnamese culture, and through our actions as well as through the children, we always try to show the best image of Vietnam. However, the children tend to show more defiance when being taught by foreign volunteers. As I have said, it is a challenge for us Vietnamese to teach them, yet it's even like making a Mission Impossible IV when assisting foreign volunteers on classes.

It was usual to hear uproar from the above class even before I got halfway up the stairs. The reason for the chaos that day was that the children didn't want to study English, while the foreign volunteers, a Korean girl named Soon-ei could only teach that. Therefore, another local volunteer and I had to help her teaching. I made a compromise with the children: we teachers would sing one song, then they had to study. Our minor difference in music taste emerged there. Choosing a suitable song was not easy, while the children only want fast and exiting recent Vietnamese pop, I only knew English songs and a few old Vietnamese ones, and the Soon-ei knew Asian songs instead. However, after some of my performances were rejected, Soon-ei suggested she would sing a popular children song in Korean: the three bears song. To my astonishment, the children could also sing this song, probably because of the Korean serial film Full House they had watched before. Eventually, that orchestra went smoothly with a lot of joy, and even though I could not sing that song, I contribute an "impressive" bear imitation performance. Probably Soon-ei didn't know what trouble she had saved us. I just hoped the incident would give her a nice impression about Vietnamese children.

That was just a minor minor problem with our cultural difference. Another time, our foreign co-worker was a Malaysian girl. From her attire, I bet that she was Muslim (but I don't really know, even now). Instead of pointing words on the board with her index finger, she used her thumb. I was discreet enough to show no surprise to that, for I thought it was her habit. However, the children kept wheedle me into asking her. Fortunately that I have asked her, for I knew a new knowledge after that: it is considered rude for Malaysian to point by your index finger. After that, the children started pointing things by their thumbs, probably just for fun. But it was truly a cultural exchange for me and my "students" to know about that custom.

Volunteering at Youth House, I learn that knowledge plays an important role in deepening intercultural understanding. If we don't understand the origin of other people's custom, we will think that they are weird. Therefore I have resolved to learn new languages after my high school time. Language is the key to comprehend a foreign culture. Most likely I will learn Japanese, for their culture is vast and interesting. Hope that one day I can share my knowledge about Vietnam with other students in CSB/SJU, as well as learn exciting things about their culture.

I've put your suggestion to use, thank you very much Kevin.
Do you guys think I should delete the second and third paragraphs, my essay is a little bit long I think

Undergraduate / Lafayette Short Answer ("Writing is a game") [8]

Hi, please check this for me, I don't know if it's a little bit long, they don't give any limit, but I guess it's about 250 words, and mine is 280

In an effort to learn more about you, we ask that you describe an intellectual or creative interest or accomplishment.

This is my final version, thank you all :)
p/s: I cannot add a surprise as you suggested, Kevin, my mind is shut now, probably by the application process :)).
The Game of Writing

No one believes that a playful and energetic boy like me is fond of writing short story; to me, typing down a moving story is just like playing game.

I write with the attitude of a chess player. Every time, I start the game with the same chess board - the blank page. Each sentence I write influences the ending, just like moving a chess pieces. I analyze all the possible outcome of my story, and predict how my reader will respond, trying to set a little surprise for them. That is exactly what I will do in a chess game in order to subjugate my opponent. Of course, there is no win or lose in writing, but I will surely be checkmated if anyone can surmise the ending just from the very beginning of my story.

I write like a boy solving a puzzle game. Sometime I set forth an ending that I want to reach, and from the beginning sentences, I've written for that ending. Somehow it's like finishing a puzzle with the left and right side of the picture already done, all I have to do is put the right pieces in the right place of the remaining. It's not easy though, a flawed piece may ruin your work, just like a plot lacks its logic. There was time when I'd almost finished my wonderful story, then noticed that it lacked a vital connection between events, so I had to start over and invent that missing piece for compensation.

The game of writing is interesting just like any intellectual games I have played. Reading comments from my friends - my main readers, gives me stimulation just like playing any other sports. Eventually, who want to play a game he does not like, who can write without inspiration? I will surely continue writing since it is a very intriguing game.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Not specified topic yet. [6]

Hello, I'm not a native speaker, so maybe my expression seems a little awkward. Please tell me if you guys understands this essay, cuz I wrote it in an implication way, maybe I should elaborate it a little more neh? But it's already long, about 850 words =.=

Thanks in advance :D
P/s: I haven't decided what topic this essay is about yet, I just wrote based on my idea, maybe "the person who influenced you most", or "big change in your life".

"Mr. Almost"

Let me introduce you to my long time friend - Mr. Almost. I've been friend with him through the good and bad times. More than anyone else, I can tell you how he has become who he is today.

Let's get on our newly invented time machine and come back to the summer of 2006 ...

Wow, we now feel the hot and sultry air of Hanoi's July, I see a young boy reading some text messages on his cell phone. His face turns red, and white, from hopefulness to disappointment. He just finds out that he has got lower scores on the National Secondary Final Exam than expected; He needs 1.5 point more to be accepted to Hanoi-Amsterdam High School, the most prestigious high school in the country. Who's to blame for this big blow? He has tried his best; all the night he's spent and all the practice tests he took only suffice for him to be "almost admitted"?

He suddenly recalls all his nearly accomplished tasks. Even when playing computer games, he hardly ever stuck to the end; there were always some other newer, more exciting games to attract him. He was always almost one of the best students in class, almost the best chess player, almost the champion in soccer and almost a popular guy among the girls. He lacked perseverance, I could tell.

From then on, I started to call him Mr. Almost, or Mr. Unaccomplished.

Just so you know, we cannot use our time machine anymore, so I can only tell you the rest of the story based on my memory.

Our protagonist felt like falling into hell when he got into Kim Lien High School with his almost excellent scores. Everyone said that it was not bad, after all, because Kim Lien is almost one of the best schools. The only problem was that he did not love this long-established and honorable school, where everyone seemed to be stuck with studying for the national university-entrance exam. Hanoi-Amsterdam, on the other hand, is full of smart and cool kids who definitely did more than just sticking their noses to books. It was where he should be.

Silently and unnoticeably he turned into a reticent and introvert boy. He hesitated to make new friends, savoring bitterly his "failure." The frustrated mindset also influenced his academic life. In this first semester, he almost got the Good Student title. That was again, almost another blow because he has won this title for ten consecutive years. Now he was just the specter of the bubbly boy he had been in secondary school; he knew he had to get out of this mess, but how?

Mr. Almost started playing basketball since then, hoping it would refresh his mind and help him forget all the shame. He signed up for Kim Lien Basketball team, as a newbie. Our Mr. Almost knew nothing about basket ball. The only advantage was that he was taller than most of his same ages. He was dazzled by the skill of the seniors here: they could perform wonderful moves. One problem was that no one could dunk, for they are a little bit short. Looking on the bright side, Mr. Almost decided that he would specialize in dunking. Besides the basic technique, he also focused on improving his vertical jump. A few months passed; all he could do was "almost" touching the rim of the basket. Our boy's tendency to give up started to show, and he was daunted by the thought that he was doomed to only nearly achieve his goals from now on.

No. He resolved to change, just kept on practicing to achieve it. His T-Mac shoes had a big red capital BELIEVE on their soles, and he now believed he can do it. Believe, was very important, for it changed your attitude toward everything, let's deem it's "hadn't tried enough" rather than "almost accomplished".

Playing basketball also brought him new friends and helped he get along better with others in high school. He befriended with other better students in his class, and they helped him with his study. He didn't feel isolated with the new environment anymore.

And ... Mr. Almost has gone without saying a word, just like when he came, leaving me behind.

My name is Thang, and in English it means: to win. I finally got the Good Student Title in other semesters of my high school years. I haven't been able to perform a dunk yet, but I have touched the rim of the basket easily, and everyone in the team appreciates my. I believe that soon I'll be able to finish this move. From an unnoticed boy in class, I've become a popular kid, and recently won Vice President from free election.

Where are you Mr. Almost? He is gone, hopefully for good. Sometimes, however, I still thought of him as a historical friend, who taught me one very important thing:

"Half a truth is no truth at all; Half a success is no success at all."