Undergraduate / My Experience as a Prodigal "Son" --Common App Personal Statement [4]

I think that I answered your questions in my post above--cut down the story of that night and elaborate on "how much more I have than my relatives", and "They have each other, which is something that I didn't realize I was missing until tonight. In America, I have my laptop and my phone and my friends. But, as an only child, I have no other family than my parents . . ."

Any other observations that you have along these lines would be good to include.

Undergraduate / 'connect the world' - Describe an intellectual concept that excites you [4]

Loved it. It will serve you well in the admission process because it shows your love of an intellectual pursuit, and why math engages both your mind and your heart.

Undergraduate / 'slime mold mapping ' - UVA surprising art, music, science, math, literature [2]

Just say, "rolled oats, the slime mold's preferred food, . . ."

This is fascinating. I don't know how much space you have to answer, but I'd spend more words on explaining your reaction to the experiment. Expand on the last two sentences, because as it stands now, your essay is merely a good, concise description of the article.

Just FYI, this experiment is an example of biomimicry, which is a fascinating area of scientific research and application of technology. You might want to look into it!

Good luck

Undergraduate / 'Dr. Tyson' - ApplyTexas: Person of importance, why they impacted you [5]

I agree with Megan--more about you.

Undergraduate / "Halmoni" - UT Essay: Someone who made an impact/why this person is important. [3]

I think you have a great person to discuss. Can you get deeper into her motivation to serve her family and others? How do you see her--as selfless? Is she fulfilled and happy? Do you want to be like her because you will have a more fulfilling life? These are some of the questions that you can ask and answer in order to move the essay forward.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Jesus' APPLY TEXAS ESSAY: Write an essay about a person of importance in your life [13]

You are very welcome. I hope that others will chime in as well.

Undergraduate / 'Jesus' APPLY TEXAS ESSAY: Write an essay about a person of importance in your life [13]

Yes, it is getting better. I think that the opening paragraph could be improved by tightening up the language a bit. Are milestones "placed down", or are they "passed" in life?

Throughout our lives we will pass milestones will placed down that can define who we are. Sometimes, a milestone can be a person thatwho has helped shape our mind and day to day actions. In my case, I have blessed beyond understanding to have been introduced to the person who has changed my life. H is name is Jesus Christ. Although I have not met him face to face, Jesus has warped (another word here--transformed, maybe?) my life goal into helping others instead of only thinking of me."

I don't like that He is "warping" your life goal. Warp has a negative connotation. A more positive word would be better--transformed, etc.

Other possible changes: "Being raised in church, I knew the simplicities of what was right and wrong,"

"I was enabled to go went to my first church camp"

"Unlike many people, I have been able to keep that fire aflame . . . " (No need to be critical of others, just say that you have kept the flame alive.)

"Without Jesus I would not have the joyful heart for our society that has been molded that I have now, because the path I was on was one of selfishness and not of giving . . . "

"Through his grace and overwhelming help, "

Hope this helps!

Grammar, Usage / Smoking in public places (sentence correction) [6]

Actually, I find an error in the first one. "brought to attention" leaves me asking to whose attention?

Undergraduate / "Hitting Walls" - my comm app essay for question # 3 for 2013 admission [17]

I realize that you've worked quite hard on this and that I am late commenting, however, I wanted to point out that writing an essay about anger, especially when so vividly portrayed, is a huge red flag for admission offices. (I am a former admissions professional and have read thousands of essays for admission.) While the point of your essay is that you've changed, and that you value order and composure now, you dwell on the anger and hitting the wall for the majority of your essay. I am concerned that it will actually harm your chances of admission to most colleges. Let me know if you have any other questions, and I will try to answer.

At this point, I would recommend changing your topic significantly. Or write about how your mother's intentions were for ill, but you've turned her actions into good--by learning control and composure in the face of criticism, by learning to value justice and advocate for it, or by how you feel strongly about equality.

Undergraduate / 'Jesus' APPLY TEXAS ESSAY: Write an essay about a person of importance in your life [13]

It is my first day on this forum, so I don't know. Why not just copy and paste the new version into the reply box?

Undergraduate / 'Jesus' APPLY TEXAS ESSAY: Write an essay about a person of importance in your life [13]

You will do fine! Yes, these essays are harder than most students anticipate them to be.

Undergraduate / 'things I never thought I would learn' - Significant experiences or accomplishments [3]

Dear Gladys,

I admire how vulnerable you have made yourself in this essay. Thank you for sharing your life so honestly.

If I may ask, is English your first language? There are some issues with your essay that a native speaker could probably fix for you. I've done that for your opening paragraph below. My changes are in bold:

Experiences in life teach us lessonsthat shape our personality, whether they are challenges, a first love, the loss of a person, a great achievement or even a mistake. All of us have experienced something that helped define us as people. Every experience we encounter in our everyday lives, may it be good or bad, plays a big role in knowing ourselves more. Those things may give us a vague or clear view of life, but the most important thing is that we learn. Everything that we've ever been through makes us who we are. Everything we see, everything we feel, every person we meet, and everything that we do helps define us. As our life goes on, we continually change.

I think that most of your errors are ones of agreement between subjects and verbs. For example, "everything" is singular (even though it seems plural) and takes a verb that is singular. "Everything makes me happy", not "Everything make me happy."

Good luck!

Undergraduate / My Experience as a Prodigal "Son" --Common App Personal Statement [4]

Dear William,

What a wonderful picture you paint! You've given us a clear sense of immediacy--of being there in the moment with you. If you want to improve it, I'd suggest trimming the first part of the story a bit to allow some room for you to elaborate more on such nuggets as, "how much more I have than my relatives", and "They have each other, which is something that I didn't realize I was missing until tonight. In America, I have my laptop and my phone and my friends. But, as an only child, I have no other family than my parents . . ."

I would delete or rephrase the following sentences: "To be honest, it's uncomfortable and a bit irritating to see them as strangers. I feel like a kid whose parents just had a baby. Their attention has been stolen away from me." and "my obnoxious little self". I understand that you are talking about an experience which made you step outside of yourself, and you judged your own superficiality, however you do not need to criticize yourself in order to express that. Simply say that you saw your self-centeredness, or realized how you had been the center of your parents' attention, etc.

Good luck-

Undergraduate / 'Jesus' APPLY TEXAS ESSAY: Write an essay about a person of importance in your life [13]

Absolutely-- a leap that we must all take, while also holding in mind how Paul approached witnessing. It is important to meet people where they are and to explain our faith in a way that they understand and can relate to. I hope that you will add some of the details that will help a non-Christian understand your change of heart. I look forward to seeing another version posted!

Graduate / 'successful and innovative professional' - sop for MSC in IT Engineering. [2]

Hi-

You have really great ideas and experiences which you share in this essay--there is a lot of intelligence behind your words, and you make a great case for studying in the field you are pursuing. However, the language is an issue. There are odd verb usages throughout such as verbs which end in "-ing" where I would not use them. One example is: "thought of becoming studying IT Engineering." This is simply not correct English. There are subject-verb agreement problems as well.

May I ask if English is your first language? If not, then you may want to have a native speaker read and correct the errors such as the ones in your opening sentence: "While reasoning my intentions to pursue M.Sc in IT at Glassgow University I would like to put some light on my career." This sentence doesn't make sense in English--What is "reasoning your intentions"? I would suggest something more direct such as, "In discussing my reasons for pursuing the M.Sc degree in IT at Glasgow University, I need to share with you my career path to date." (Also, it would not be good to misspell their name in the first sentence.)

If you have access to a native English speaker, you can comb through this and correct these kinds of errors and it will be a solid essay.

Good luck-

Undergraduate / 'Biomedical Engineering' - Common App transfer- Never let it rest [4]

Dear Bruce,

When transferring, it is important to be positive about your current school and focus on how the new one can fulfill your educational needs and goals. I think that you've done that, but I would cut out the sentence, "The bleak scholarship prospects for international students in America and my unexceptional SAT Reading section score limited my college options after high school." It just sounds a bit negative, and you could say the same thing by simply noting that financial considerations dictated that you "enroll at OSU in the Mechanical Engineering program with the Biomedical option."

At the end, where you say, "love with is not appeasing"--I think that appeasing is the wrong word? Did you mean appealing?

Good luck-

Undergraduate / 'Jesus' APPLY TEXAS ESSAY: Write an essay about a person of importance in your life [13]

Dear Gordon,

I appreciate your candor in your essay. In choosing Christ as your topic, you are no doubt aware that the essay may be read by someone who believes in Christ, or by someone who does not. While Christ is definitely the one who changes us the most (thankfully!), He is a polarizing figure and always has been. If you are not applying to a Christian college, you may want to reconsider your choice of topic. If speaking to a non-believer, they might wonder how, exactly, you felt Christ seep into your heart. Did you feel less judgmental? Did you feel more open to others, or more loving? Can you be more specific about this transformation?

I'd suggest that you tone down some of the negative portrayal of yourself (as in the discussion of how you were in 8th grade), and focus on your service and who you are now. I would eliminate the sentence, "Today there are false prophets and wolves in sheep's clothing around every corner." You can do so without losing the continuity of the essay.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'wonderful new experiences' - University of Connecticut Transfer Essay [2]

Dear Sara,

I like how you clearly explain why your current institution no longer fits your needs, and how you feel that UConn will be a better place for you. Watch out that you are not negative about your current school--no need to say, "There is very little school spirit and enthusiasm from the students at my current institution which I find disappointing." Just lose that sentence and you can actually keep the rest around it without the content suffering any. I wouldn't mention anything about the courses transferring over. That is handled by the registrar, I believe, and will not be of concern to the admission office.

Well done, I'd say.