Undergraduate / My name is Ayie. I am from Selangor; check my basic English [3]

My name is Ayie. I am from Selangor which is located in the central area of Malaysia. I have 5 siblings and I'm the youngest one. My father works as farm settler and my mother is a housewife. I have completed a degree in business and have been waiting for the graduation day. I'm 24 years old. At leisure time, I like jogging and stretching, it will help me to sustain my weight and tone down muscles. My previous job was in sales and a marketing company where I had to study about a marketing plan, disciplinary new products and do some research about company's backgrounds. In my future carer, I want to be a prominent banker.I love to take challenges and would see the real capability of me to compete with those who are already in banking line. Yet, I have planned to pursue my study at master level in UK but I need to brush up my English first. Now, I'm jobless and a job seeker and I have a lot of interviews session in banking, accounting and auditing. In a nutshell, whatever I do, I will try my best to achieve remarkable achievements that I have ever did. Be a sanguine person would be a more confident and perfectionist. Thank you.

I fixed your grammer, now it sounds more flowing.
Good Luck, hope you find a job soon.

Essays / 'Lady Liberty'; Founding fathers of America - Patriot Pen essay contest [8]

Here is my NEW revised version

As I wake up each morning and see the horizon rising, Lady Liberty with her torch, I feel proud to be part of American people. America is a wondrous land of opportunity, quite simply the Home of the Brave, and Land of the Free, where we are all equals, and have an opportunity to make our dreams reality.

America is home to soldiers who persevere through challenging scenarios in their lives, overcome obstacles, and are determined to fight for freedom, regardless of the cost. They serve our country without asking for anything in return, they risk their lives to protect our country.

I thank the founding fathers of America, for being selflessness, for caring for their country, before themselves, just like the soldiers, who protect our country.

We have the Bill of Rights and the Declaration of Independence to prove that America is a free country. We have been brought up to believe in freedom and democracy, so it is easy to take that for granted, but we should still respect what our founding fathers have fought for.

I thank the founding fathers of America, for creating a strong foundation for a country, where we are free.

"We hold these truths to be self- evident, that all men are created equal." "I have a dream, that one day my four little children will live in a nation where they are not judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

I thank the founding fathers of America, for creating a country where we are not judged by our race or gender, but by who we are as individuals.

The founding fathers fought long and hard to make it possible to have what we call "America" today. When signing the Declaration of Independence many had to make sacrifices to sign their name on what they called "a document." But today it is the document that holds our nation together, and makes it possible for us to be free. Without that document there would be no America, let alone freedom. Our founding fathers are those that have made the biggest impact on our lives, despite them not living.

To the founding fathers of America, I say "Thank you, for creating a nation where we are free, no matter our gender or race, and feel secure. Thank you!"

Scholarship / UW Leadership/Volunteerism Scholarship Essay [7]

It's REALLY good, no mistakes that I could find. Very touching and appealing.
Since you are a veteran, I was wondering whether you could help me with this essay, for the DAR essay contest.
It's about how soldiers have fought for our independence, and what they have been through.
PLEASE give me your e-mail address.

Thanks,
Abi

Essays / 'Lady Liberty'; Founding fathers of America - Patriot Pen essay contest [8]

Hey Mario,
This essay is due October 26,2012.
Thanks for taking the time to correct my essay, I have just entered 7th grade, so am not a developed writer yet, but love to write still.

I was wondering whether you could tell me, whether I have the following:
Knowledge of theme
Theme Development
Clarity of ideas

This is what I will be graded on despite, punctuation, grammer, spelling, etc.

Here is my essay, again with the correction you told me to make.

As I wake up each morning and see the horizon rising, as does Lady Liberty with her torch, I feel proud to be part of American people. America is a wondrous land of opportunity, quite simple the Home of the Brave, and Land of the Free, where we are all equals, and have an opportunity to make our dreams reality.

America is home to soldiers who persevere through tchallenging scenarios in their lives, overcome obstacles, and are determined to fight for freedom, regardless of the cost. They serve our country without asking for anything in return. They are risking there lives to protect our country.

I thank the founding fathers of America, for being selflessness, for caring for there country, before themselves, just like the soldiers, who protect our country.

America is a free country, where we could be who we want to be, do what we want to do, and are allowed to be ourselves. We have the rights to do anything we wish to do whenever we feel like doing them.

I thank the founding fathers of America, for creating a strong foundation for a country, where you are free.

"We hold these truths to be self- evident, that all men are created equal." "I have a dream, that one day my four little children will live in a nation where they are not judged by the color of there skin but by the content of there character."

I thank the founding fathers of America, for creating a country where we are not judged by our race or gender, but by who we are as individuals.

America is a place for everyone who wants to follow there dream, they have the opportunity to make miracles happen. With a little perspiration, and determination, anything can happen, if you believe. America is one of those countries where you are wanted to let your limitations go, so you can soar, and make what used to be dream, reality.

I thank the founding fathers of America, for building a country where we are not limited by what we can do; the sky is our only limit.

To the founding fathers, I tell, "thank you ", for your magnanimty, in creating a country in which we are not only free, but have a chance to make miracles happen. " Your work will never be forgotten, and so won't you, the effort, and hard work was worth it. Thank you for everything."

I read your essay uwmarc, it was really good.
It states that you were part of the us army. I was wondering whether you could help me make this a little bit more clearer, feeling wise.

The audience of my essay are people who worked in the us army, so its great that you could help comment on my essay.
I was wondering whether you could tell me maybe a story, or a scenario in which you were in so that I could use that to relate to the soldiers.

Do you think you could give me your e-mail address because, I have another essay, which is about Forgotten Patriots who fought for our Indepenedence, it might help if I could maybe talk to you. They said they prefer us to interview someone so it seems better if I talk to you, because I dont know any other soldiers.

Thanks,
Abi

Writing Feedback / brings equality, create unity; Should schools strickly enforce dress codes? [5]

You made some very good points in your essay.
I think school dress codes also help keep students more focused in class. For example, instead of looking whether someones shirt color suits them, they would actually be focusing on the teahcer.

I also feel that it helps keep the middle class, and upper class equal. If someone is wearing an abercrombie and fitch shirt, one might feel left out, because he/she may not be able to afford branded shirts, due to the economy.

I also like how you enforced discipline, it does play a major factor, in school dress codes.
Nice job so far.
Try to check some of your grammer though.

Essays / 'Lady Liberty'; Founding fathers of America - Patriot Pen essay contest [8]

Heres my revised version
As I wake up each morning and see the horizon rising, as does Lady Liberty with her torch, I feel proud to be part of American people. America is a wondrous land of opportunity, quite simple the Home of the Brave, and Land of the Free, where we are all equals, and have an opportunity to make our dreams reality.

America is home to soldiers who persevere through there life, overcome obstacles, and are determined. They serve our country without asking for anything in return, they are risking there life to protect our country.

I thank the founding fathers of America, for being selflessness, for caring for there country, before themselves, just like the soldiers, who protect our country.

America is a free country, where we could be who we want to be, do what we want to do, and are allowed to be ourselves. We have the rights to do anything we wish to do whenever we feel like doing them.

I thank the founding fathers of America, for creating a strong foundation for a country, where you are free.

"We hold these truths to be self- evident, that all men are created equal." "I have a dream, that one day my four little children will live in a nation where they are not judged by the color of there skin but by the content of there character."

I thank the founding fathers of America, for creating a country where we are not judged by our race or gender, but by who we are as individuals.

America is a place for everyone who wants to follow there dream, they have the opportunity to make miracles happen. With a little perspiration, and determination, anything can happen, if you believe. America is one of those countries where you are wanted to let your limitations go, so you can soar, and make what used to be dream, reality.

I thank the founding fathers of America, for building a country where we are not limited by what we can do; the sky is our only limit.

To the founding fathers, I tell, "thank you ", for your magnanimty, in creating a country in which we are not only free, but have a chance to make miracles happen. " Your work will never be forgotten, and so won't you, the effort, and hard work was worth it. Thank you for everything."

Thank you for your constructive criticism.
Can somebody PLEASE read my paper and tell me how I could make it better. More focus on the criteria, than on revision of grammer, punctuation, etc.

Do I get the point across, is it clear.
PLEASE help ME

Essays / Quick Paper help editing! [3]

The first sentence has a mistake in it. It should be, I have learned many different things from reading this book; instead of, I have learned a many different things from reading this book.

Try to combine some of the sentences together by adding commas/ correct punctuation. This will help you think of a more general aspect to the sentence,instead of making mutiple ideas, that make NO sense together. This mostly applies to the first couple of sentences in your paper.

Overall all I think you got it down.

Try to read out loud before and after revision, this will help you catch your mistakes easier. Try to add more detail if possible.
Explain the paper, as if you were to explain to a 2 year old who had know clue about what chapter 1 is about, or what you learnt in it. But this toddler has a big vocabulary and can pick up ideas fast. This might help you envision the "more detail" idea more.

Good Luck!!

Undergraduate / UCF Essay - Advice? - Obstacle, Family History, Choose to Apply, Qualities [2]

It's really good, but I feel that you should probably take out the first sentence.
You should probably start your essay with, Around 5;00 in the morning , on August 17, 2008, I was awoken by my older brother, who was screaming that we had to get out of the house.

I like how you put voice into your essay, as well as what you learned.

You might also consider changing;I could see that my dad was very emotionally distressed. I knew that I had to be strong mentally for both my dad and my brother. Not once did I cry, because the only thing on my mind was giving my family all the support I could possibly give.

Maybe make it shorter, or add more detail, it's more your opinion as to what you want the reader to think. Do you want them to feel the amount of stress you went through or, what you learned from this experience.

You might also want to think about adding the effect as to what happened, other than academic wise, just a suggestion.

Good Luck!!

Undergraduate / 'Offered many opportunities' - University of Central Florida application [4]

It doesn't make sense,
I have always a hardworking person and I can overcome any and all obstacles in my way to achieve my goals.
It should be- I have always been a hardworking person or, I am a hardworking person.
Try to give an example of how you are hardworking and can overcome obstacles.Give proof that this is true.

Also, change the last sentence, don't write about your predicament about civil engineering, and biomedical sciences.
Write something like I hope to attend UCF for (whichever years- you plan to attend).

Try to add more voice, make it sound more how your life will change if you attend UCF. Give more personnel feelings about UCF, is this really your dream school??

Hope this helps!!

Poetry / "I Am" poem help [10]

Try to think of a theme for your poem to revolve around. It will be much easier for you to write the poem if you know what you are writing about.

Heres mine hope it helps- the themes music- violin

I am a dreamer girl, with a violin.
I wonder how child are prodigies born, "am I one."
I hear the announcement, "I got into Julliard."
I see a Stradivarius violin in my hand, making sounds that sing soap operas, and music by Franz Strauss.
I want to be able to change people with my music, maybe even change the world some day.
I am a dreamer girl, with a violin.

I pretend to be playing with the Youtube Symphony orchestra, my body like a tree, gracefully flowing to the music, as I am performing at the Sydney Opera house, in Australia.

I feel my heart beating as I am about to go on stage and play for millions, the president himself, is there to watch me.

I touch the precious violin, handed down from the greatest violinist herself, Sarah Chang.
I worry, "am I really any good."
I cry, my song is a bee's nectar, sweet and vivacious, while also having a hint to veracity to it.
I am a dreamer girl, with a violin.

I understand only some people make it into the music business.
I say" it's okay, I'll be fine."
I dream, "I am not erroneous, I am one of those few, who are born mastermind, who never screech, and who are always perfect."

I try to focus, and practice, some days I get carried away and practice for 12 hours.
I hope someday, I am a product of excellence.
I am a dreamer girl with a violin.