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Posts by bellacose
Joined: Sep 10, 2012
Last Post: Feb 17, 2013
Threads: 3
Posts: 10  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 13
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bellacose   
Feb 17, 2013
Undergraduate / BAD History - Explaining Academic Dismissal [10]

This essay is thoughtful, well written, and (the first paragraph especially) makes it easy to put myself in your shoes and "feel your pain", so to speak. Judging by the quality of your writing, I would say that you have no excuse for poor grades :). The only improvement I could suggest is to possibly shorten it up a bit. While it is well written, it can become verbose to the point of awkwardness at times. Otherwise, well done!
bellacose   
Oct 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Here I sit,existent,casually typing a college admissions essay :NYU/what intrigues? [2]

Hi everyone,

For this essay, I went for a more stream of consciousness feel, but because of this, I am afraid that some of my sentences are mechanically unsound. Also, instead of discussing one idea, I took a more existential approach (I am applying to CAS philosophy). The essay is very short, at around 600 characters, since the max is only 1500. Here is the prompt:

What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.

And here is what I have thus far:

Here I sit, existent, casually typing a college admissions essay. The product of unfathomable chance, propagated by a cosmos of unintelligible size. Capable of self-aware introspection; Sentient. I will live, love, succeed, fail, and cease, on this, a mote of dust, suspended in a vast array of nothingness. On this insignificant sphere everyone who has ever lived, or will ever live experiences this same brief lucidity. Each with their own unique story. Each the main character of their own individual narrative; All actors on this small stage, enveloped by a sprawling void. And yet, the most seemingly innocuous of events could have relegated this wonderful eventuality into nonexistence. This is the most significant realization that one can reach. The realization that I am one of many, I am the manufacture of chance, and that I am truly alone in this. All the while, this existence is fragile, unlikely, beautiful.

Thanks for reading,

Trevor
bellacose   
Sep 30, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Mother' She has had a significant influence on me; 'I was born in small town' [4]

I began to edit your essay, but I stopped when I got about half way down. While your story is compelling, I'm not sure it's the right content for an admissions essay. Suicide is a VERY touchy topic for many people and this essay has the potential of leaving the reader uncomfortable. You also really harp on the bad aspects of your school experience, which also can have a negative effect on the overall ton of your essay. I'm not sure when this is due, but honestly, I would recommend you scrap this and talk about a time when your mother helped you overcome a slightly less depressing time in your life. Maybe start you essay with a quote form your mom about how "life goes on" and then apply it to a chalenge that you overcame with her help. Also, while your ideas are clear, your English is a little sloppy, not bad, just some of your phrasing is awkward. Make sure to have somebody proofread your final copy so that they can help you remove awkward syntax. Best of luck and thanks for commenting on mine!
bellacose   
Sep 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Practical and abstract reasons' - finding direction on Common app transfer essay. [5]

Hi everyone,

I am having some trouble with the Common App transfer essay. Currently, I feel like I have good ideas in each paragraph, but overall, the essay lacks direction, and cohesion. The prompt is basically "tell us why you want to transfer and what objectives you hope to achieve". Keep in mind, this is by no means a complete essay, right now it's just a random assortment of ideas. If anybody can help me develop a clearer direction with this essay, it would be greatly appreciated.

Here is what I've got this far:

"You have a goal, and the ability to achieve it. Now all that's left is for you to go out, and make it reality". While simple, my father's words resonated as an almost surprising revelation of things to come. It was an exciting realization that success, as long as I was willing to work for it, was well within my grasp. The last three years have been full of challenges, and those challenges have forged in me the truest sense of self confidence one can have.

Looking back on my first foray into college level academia, I am astounded by both my bright-eyed idealism, and my blind naivetï. I lacked a clearly defined goal, and the drive and direction necessary to achieve that objective. The ultimate goal of attending law school that I had set for myself didn't seem tangible or real, and thus, I found it difficult to work towards. However, as I progressed through my education, through the trials, and through the tests of will, I realized that I was the only person capable of bringing my dreams to fruition. Truly, it is through this realization, that I have deemed it necessary for me to transfer into a four year university.

There are many reasons, ranging from practical to more abstract, that have influenced my decision to pursue transferring from my current, two year institution. The Tarrant County College system has provided me with a financially accessible education that has equipped me to excel in a variety of intellectual environments. However, TCC is only capable of educating me to a certain point, a point, which I have reached. With my future plans including attending law school, I must earn a degree from a four year institution. Thus, my decision to transfer is as much one of necessity as it is one of desire.

While transferring to a four year university is indeed a step of exigence, it is the less practical advantages that I find most compelling. I eagerly await the sense of community and camaraderie that I will experience with my peers in my intended major, philosophy. Furthermore, the dynamic, varied atmosphere of a four year university is one that I feel is most conducive to learning.

It is with an unshakable resolve, and with my fathers adage still firmly secured in my mind that I set out to make my goals reality. The last three years have been full of change; changes in my life, changes in my goals, indeed, changes in my very self. However, In spite of these changes, and in many ways because of them, I have developed the conviction, heart, and perseverance necessary to achieve what I have set out to.
bellacose   
Sep 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Common Application Supplement "Why do you want to go to _____" [4]

Keep in mind, if you could replace "Carnegie Mellon" worth any other school name and the essay still makes sense, you're not being specific enough. Try to list things that are unique to Carnegie Mellon like its location, specific clubs that interest you, or a specific program that is unique to CM.
bellacose   
Sep 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Undergrad Transfer SOP - 'The letter of rejection' [4]

I really like this essay. It tells your story well, and has an intimate, personal feel. It's a little long, but I feel that you use your words wisely so I wouldn't worry too much about that. Well done!
bellacose   
Sep 10, 2012
Undergraduate / 'marine biology' -Cornell supplement and am looking for extra opinions [10]

Breath of Coursework/Peers ; Cornell Transfer - Why and what do you want to study?

Hi guys,

I just finished writing the essay from the Cornell transfer supplement and would really appreciate some honest, detailed feedback. Yes, I know it's a little long, but I feel that all of the content I have as of now is necessary. Here is the prompt:

"Tell us what you'd like to major in at Cornell and why or how your past academic or work experience influenced your decision, and how transferring to Cornell would further your academic interests."

The following is the semi rough draft that I've managed to come up with so far:

As a child, daily exchanges between my parents and I generally included the words "But how do we know?" from me, followed by "I don't know, Trevor" from my mother or father. By this time, my inquisitiveness had evolved from the endearing, questioning nature of a child into a thirst for answers that even my mother, an educator, couldn't seem to quench. My mother often recalls an instance in which I asked the question "How do we know that colors all look the same to each of us?" as the moment she realized that I was destined for a life of questioning.

In an effort to provide me with intellectual stimulation as well as a forum for my curiosity, my mother enrolled me in a summer museum school program that was sponsored by the Forth Worth Museum of Science and Natural History. I have very fond memories of my many summers in museum school spent soaking up knowledge on a variety of subjects, but I wanted more. In retrospect, I truly was the very personification of the words "the more you learn, the more you realize how little you know", spoken by Socrates. While museum school temporarily satisfied my desire for answers, this satisfaction proved fleeting.

As I progressed through my education I found many subjects fascinating. However, I felt as though many of these subjects focused on answering the particular questions of their field while ignoring the more fundamental issues such as those relating to existence, consciousness, and time. In my early high school years I was convinced that I was destined for a life of study in the sciences, more specifically, marine biology. But, as my knowledge base in this field grew, I found myself asking the same questions: "How can we know that for sure?", which then led to the even more perplexing: "Can we really hope to know anything for sure?".

It was at this point that I realized that I was not meant to study in the sciences. My questions were too abstract to be satiated by anything other than the discipline of philosophy, specifically, metaphysics. Philosophy, and its unrelenting reliance on logic and reason appeals to my natural inclination to seek answers to the fundamental prior to attempting to answer secondary, more specific issues. Furthermore, with its focus on argumentation and discourse, the skills that I will develop as an undergraduate philosophy student at Sage will prove valuable as I pursue the more distant goal of attending law school.

Transferring to Cornell University's College of Arts and Sciences in the next logical step in my interminable quest for answers. My reasoning for transferring to Cornell ranges from the practical to the less tangible. At the most basic level, with my plans to attend law school, my current, two year institution simply can't provide me with the degree necessary for me to pursue that goal. The Tarrant County College system has been an indispensable asset throughout my college education, and I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the crucial role it has played thus far. However, it has limits, and I have reached them.

Admittedly, If my aim was to simply earn a bachelors degree so that I would be eligible to attend law school, my needs could be satisfied by a number of different four year universities. Of course, there are many institutions that could provide me with a means to an end, with law school being that end. However, after visiting Cornell's beautiful campus, chatting with members of its diverse student body, and meeting some of its esteemed professors, I am convinced that there is no other institution that can provide me with what I have found in Cornell.

Upon my first visit to Cornell's campus in the Spring of 2013 I had the good fortune of being able to speak with Jesse, who at the time was a Junior in the Sage School of Philosophy. From Jesse I learned of the small, intimate class sizes at Arts and Sciences, and more specifically, at Sage that allowed for detailed and engaging conversation between peers and the professor. As we casually strolled through West Campus, Jesse also told me of the of the three philosophical journals that call sage home, one of of which is organized and run by a small group of philosophy majors.


As my exploration of the beautiful campus continued, I was able to meet Professor Richard Miller, with whom I spoke about the Law and Society minor and the outstanding Cornell Program on Ethics and Public Life. As a future law student with aspirations of elected office, I found both of these programs extremely exciting. These opportunities combine to create an unique intellectual environment, the likes of which I do not believe I will find at any other university.

Cornell's commitment to its founder, Ezra Cornell's dream of establishing an "institution where any person can find instruction in any study" is evident even now, almost 150 years later. As a community college student and less than traditional applicant, this mantra is extremely pertinent to me. Additionally, The remarkable breadth of coursework available to students in Arts and Sciences means that while I won't be able to take every course across its enormous range, I will have the unparalleled opportunity to be exposed to individuals who are pursuing a wide variety of interests. Due to its unwavering commitment to accessibility, its unrivaled diversity, and its implacable chase of academic excellence, I would be honored and elated to join the Cornell community.
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