Posts by hobak135

hobak135

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / Most innovative; Columbia supplement- Appealing? [3]

It is well written and you seem to know a lot about the school, but how will it give you a unique undergraduate experience? <------ This question is a biggie, if you can explain why without your reason being that columbia is famous, or well accomplished I think it would be more appreciated.

For instance, the Health Education and Advocacy League (HEAL) of Columbia, which allows students to promote health awareness among middle-school students, is just one of the many examples of how Columbia participates in benefitting its community

This part started of well ,but then you went back into listing the school achievement instead of talking about exactly why that is appealing. Do you like kids, did someone visit you like this when you were in middle school? things like this makes it a bit more personable otherwise it sounds like you are listing off achievements that I am more than positive Columbia knows about already.

hobak135

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / I want to be a part of Science and Engineering; Why Harvey Mudd? [2]

It seemed strange at the end, because you are right it was a bit impersonal, for you to suddenly become personable.

I don't think you need the first sentence. That is what college is about not knowing the role you play and figuring it out, so it's just extra words.

I would honestly like to hear more about exactly how did your bio class influence you in science and applying to that school. that way you are more personable

"While some engineering colleges are better known or have endowments large enough to buy a small country, I hope to attend Harvey Mudd College instead" maybe reword it differently, it kinda sounds like even though you picked HMC it is still a second best option compared to other schools

The bit about the different perspectives in physics class was really good.

Otherwise I think its an okay essay that has potential to be really good just try to show a bit of you in addition to the interest in science and your occupational goals. I believe everyone that applies to certain areas within college have the same goals and occupations in mind ,but those that get it were noticed just a little bit more. but good luck and If you could help me with mine as well I'd really appreciate it :)

hobak135

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / I'm a foodie of a close-knit community; Brown Sup/ Community [10]

The question asks to pick one ,but you begin the essay with religion and then go into food. I think you should just stick to food as your subject. It's somewhat different and you are able to speak on how food shapes you culture, traditions and maybe even religion( if it does, as it can for some) but overall a good start I especially like the part where you said that meal time allows you the opportunity to express yourself freely.

hobak135

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / [Fashion Show on Standby] Common App Personal Statement [3]

If this is for the common app and it is not the common app essay then your space it very limited and it will be too long. If it is the essay then you do not need the border lines. But here is what I think :) :

An expectant silence hung in the air as twenty-nine pairs of eyes followed me to the front of the classroom. I cleared my throat. As the director of my high school's latest fashion show, I was required to give the inaugural greeting. I had waited four years for this day and the truth was, I was still a little nervous. The familiar feeling whisked me back to the time when I first found my place in the show, barely out of my middle school years. Then the memories flooded me as clearly as if they were only made yesterday .

This part threw me off because in the sentence before it you were already in the past, but you said "then the memorie..."

Under the guidance of my past directors, I had grown from a nervous and inexperienced pup to the commanding head of the pack. Years of experience in management positions developed my voice of authority, countless close calls and unexpected setbacks taught me to sustain confidence even in the face of uncertainty, and as my attachment to the show grew, my passion grew with it. Now, standing before my committee, I remembered all the leaders that had stood here in the past and felt myself become the directors I had once admired. It was my turn, and I was ready .

If the common app personal statement is what I think it is, this and maybe a little more will be all that you are able to fit in the text box. Also I think this is one of the best parts of your essay. At first when it read like a story I was excited, especially because it was so well written ,but you wrote about other in so much detail that I forgot it was a essay about you. I also started to feel like it was a novel and not a personal statement. In this paragraph you tell exactly how you've benefitted and grew as a person. Everything else doesn't do much for you as an applicant. Though the intro was really entertaining.

hobak135

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / Brown choice - Why are you going to college/ your perspective changed/ question about you [3]

It sounds like you are answering C, but I believe the "Who are you" questions is going to be used alot. Instead there was one part of your essay I really liked: My belief that the greatest good occurs when the greatest number benefit has led me to be a great leader as my own sacrifice may be the key to success of my team as a whole. As my brother and I have learned growing up, it's best for us to work together. I have taken the experience of learning how to share a room together and applied it to the outside world

With that I think you should change your question from "who are you" to "do you share your a room or not" or "Do you have your own room" It's unique, it will enable the college to get to know you a bit better and I think the part about how the experience of sharing a room can be applied to outside life was really clever. Also you can easily talk about your family and lifestyle as well with this question

If your going for question C then it has to be something that requires a little thinking because they are asking you to explain you. You are unique and different from everyone else so don't use a question that enables you to look like everyone else.

I like it ,but it does sound like other essays I have read, I don't really know your personality from this

hobak135

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / Bryn Mawr: What will I gain? [3]

I kinda feel iffy about the flow of the last two paragraphs and I think there are some colon and comma usage mistakes that I need to clean up ,but all opinions are welcomed and I'll be more than happy to edit essay's if needed.

Secret Experiences

Please attach an essay of no more than one page telling us what you think you would gain from the educational experience at Bryn Mawr and what you would contribute to the community.

I was about eight years old when I can truly say I was dumb struck. At eight years old I shouldn't have had anything to become dumbstruck about, aside from the usual: trying to avoid eating the green disaster that is broccoli, making Barbie perform a critical open heart surgery on Ken while getting ready for the ball, playing outside until the very last second before it got dark, I thought there was nothing. With my eyes wide and mouth open even wider, I watched a couple have what seemed like a normal friendly conversation that strangely enough, I could not follow. Sounds that I had never heard before rolled off of their tongues easily, naturally. My ears greedily snatched every syllable causing my own tongue to try and mimic their "secret code", but the more I tried to follow the more lost I became. Frustratingly curious and filled with a mixture of candy and tremendous eight year old energy I marched up to the couple and asked "Can you pretty please teach me what you are saying?"

Since that day, language, culture, and diversity have become extremely important to me. Living in a country referred to as the "melting pot" not many can say that they have been exposed or even have tried to explore languages, or customs different from their own. Even just trying a meal would be enough. Not only have I never seen anyone turn down free food, but also once it's eaten, the questions begin and indirectly you become exposed to the traditions, stories, and languages associated with it. That experience, as tiny as it may be, can be the beginning of awareness and acceptance; two beautiful and equally important traits as not just a diverse student but as a human being.

At Bryn Mawr I want to meet other passionate students that think like me, think differently from me, even those that are in between, so that I can use those experiences to foster complete awareness and acceptance, that at ten years and many cultures later, I haven't found yet. Although my passion for culture is strong, my interest in each had to do with the warm and friendly people I have associated with them. Bryn Mawr's students, even those that I have accidently bumped into years after they have graduated, are just as warm and friendly, which for a Texas native planning to leave home for four years (and her parents) is reassuring.

What I truly expect from Bryn Mawr is to become dumb struck once again. Never has it happened since that day and only in the most mind-blowing, life changing experiences will it happen again. This could mean a new way of learning, teaching, or thinking. This could also mean a new friendship, community, or environment. Whichever it may be I am sure Bryn Mawr College will leave me with those wonderful eye widening, mouth dropping experiences with the hopes that for others, I can do the same.

hobak135

Oct 30, 2012

Undergraduate / Help me!! Short essay for Common app [5]

For this essay they are just looking for what you participated in and how it benfitted you as a student. It shouldn't read like a narrative, its just a short answer, just tell them about football, values it instilled in you,why its important to you etc.

hobak135

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / Harry Potter / Hunger Games - My University of Chicago Supplement essay [11]

Maybe it's just me ,but whe you said fangirl I totally thought about kpop, tumblr, harry potter, or another musician :) I didn't think that part matched well with the rest of the essay because you said you didnt have a specific favorite yet fangirls only have that favorite artist or book or movie. I kinda expected to read about how your fangirlness about something caused some funny story yet you didnt relate it to the rest of the essay. The tumblr bit threw me for a loop as well. Another tip is drop the casualty. There's a way to be quirky and unique without being super casual, it's still a college entrance essay. All that takes is some clever rewording. In the last part of your essay you did that. Though I like it, its really energetic :) Also I took your advice and changed up my essay a bit, so thanks and good luck!

hobak135

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / UChicago "Tell us about your favorite.." Essay [5]

Okay I appreciate all of the suggestiions so I tweaked it a bit. Im thinking about deleting the sentence in red other than that I think this will be my final one :)

A habit that I've always had is listening to the soundtracks of movies over and over again. Practicing Ballet for years I've had to convey emotion with the help of music without actually speaking, in movies it's the job of the score to do the same. In every movie, there is always that one scene where the actor or actress is completely silent, sometimes not even moving, but you as the watcher understand every emotion, action, and phrase they want to say because of the music in the background. My favorite example of this has to be "Brush on Silk" from the "Memoirs of a Geisha" soundtrack. In the scene a jealous Geisha manipulates a younger Hangyoku named Chiyo to paint all over the prized silk kimono of a fellow Geisha and then place it in her room. The young girl confused and scared does as she told, her strokes light, just like the music, only to get heavier as the song becomes more intense. As she walks up the stairs the once light flute becomes frenzied accompanied by panicked drums until finally she gets caught. This emotional ability that "Brush on Silk" has always left me amazed and jealous. The fluttering of the flutes and the plucking of the traditional instruments told me everything the little nine year old Hangyoku was thinking. Her fear became my fear as I held my breath hoping she wouldn't get caught. Her regret became my regret when I yelled "don't listen to her, you know better!" while throwing popcorn at my television. Her lack of options was the same as mine since I couldn't help her . These feelings were all understood as the music danced through my ears. On the same note the composition always left me envious. As a dancer the ultimate achievement in skill is to express with your body what words might. The score, like any renowned ballerina, beautifully dances through my mind leaving behind a story or dialogue I wouldn't have otherwise noticed.

hobak135

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / "Our motto is Ut Prosim" - Virginia Tech Application Essays [4]

These moves as a military child have made my academic career more difficult, but I have overcome"
I would rewrite the "but I have overcome" it sounds in complete.

In the second you say "standard communtiy serve" I think you meant "service". I think your phrase "Ut Prosim is more than just a phrase it's a lifestyle" should go at the beginning. It catches the person reading attention and it goes well with your explanation of your service lifestyle. I think they know it can mean more because they are asking people to comment on it, and your last phrase gets right to the point of what you are talking about.

hobak135

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / FSU What characteristics appeal to you? [2]

I really liked the essay, it painted a good picture of you ,but I feel as though you kinda skimmed around the question. Though its a prestigious university what about it made it appealing enough to help answer your call to service. Did someone you admired, that was active in community service, go to FSU? I think questions like that would be asked by whoever is reading it. Maybe you could say FSU is a place where you won't be shot down like you were all those years ago. I dont really know ,but that is something to think about.

hobak135

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / 'top-notch liberal arts education' - Vassar Supplement Essay [3]

I agree with alexh983's comment as well. In the part where you talk about your unconformity at a young age, I think you should show those with an anecdote from your childhood instead of just saying it. Also I really liked the part about you wanting to spread not only vassar but the idea of liberal arts colleges in china. I think the will appreciate the fact that even though it's a good fit for you you want vassar to be a good fit for others as well by spreading their name. I do find the vocabulary a little thesaurus ish. It's always a good trait to speak with intelligence ,but if those words arent in your normal vocabulary I'd throw them out, If they are keep them. Colleges try to get to know you through these statements and personally I don't use half of these words on a normal basis. Other than that I really like it, it's easy to paint a visual of you with this.

hobak135

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / Thesis for a research paper on "breaking up the big banks" [2]

I dont know much about banks but I do remember from my us history class last year about how it helped the government out. I vaguely remember that JP Morgan was able to give the government money to help bail them out. I guess what I am trying to say is that I would go the historical route. The bank was powerful and large enough to help give huge amounts of money to the government, though this could also be considered bad. I think youd have real life examples as well as evidence on the effect of large banks back then. Hope this helps a bit, your thesis sounds kinda tough :)

hobak135

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / UChicago "Tell us about your favorite.." Essay [5]

This is my essay for one of my uchicago supplements. I know this one isn't weighed as heavily but still I wanted a second opinion :) Any critiques are welcomed.

Prompt: Share with us a few of your favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performers, paintings, artists, blogs, magazines, or newspapers. Feel free to touch on one, some, or all of the categories listed, or add a category of your own.

A habit that I've acquired is listening to the soundtracks of movies over and over again. Practicing Ballet for years I've had to convey emotion with the help of music without actually speaking, in movies it's the job of the score to do the same. In every movie, there is always that one scene where the actor or actress is completely silent, sometimes not even moving, but you as the watcher understand every emotion, action, and phrase they want to say because of the music in the background. My favorite example of this has to be "Brush on Silk" from the "Memoirs of a Geisha" soundtrack. In the scene a jealous Geisha manipulates a younger Hangyoku named Chiyo to paint all over the prized silk kimono of a fellow successful Geisha and then place it in her room. The young girl confused and scared does as she told, her strokes light, just like the music, only to get heavier as the song becomes more intense. As the intensity of the music becomes stronger and stronger she walks up the stairs of her victim's room and finally gets caught. This emotional ability that "Brush on Silk" has always left me amazed and jealous. The fluttering of the flutes and the plucking of the traditional instruments told me everything the little nine year old Hangyoku was thinking. Her fear, her regret, her lack of options, it was all understood. On the same note the composition always left me envious. As a dancer the ultimate achievement in skill is to express with your body what words might, and this score does just that. Repeatedly I've listened to try and learn how to improve my own expression. It's a beautiful piece that I have enjoyed listening to as well as learning from and will forever be one of my favorite pieces of music.