aarkebauer
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / My entire family; Common App/ Person influenced [7]
ticklelisaelmo
Thanks - I read over yours!
ticklelisaelmo
Thanks - I read over yours!
aarkebauer
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / My mother had breast cancer/ COMMON APP [11]
I would definitely say it goes under the "person who influenced" you prompt. I noticed you say the word "cancer" a lot. You might consider changing some of these to "the disease," etc. to make the essay flow a bit better and seem a little less repetitive at times.
I would definitely say it goes under the "person who influenced" you prompt. I noticed you say the word "cancer" a lot. You might consider changing some of these to "the disease," etc. to make the essay flow a bit better and seem a little less repetitive at times.
aarkebauer
Dec 31, 2012
aarkebauer
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / My entire family; Common App/ Person influenced [7]
Indicate someone who has had an influence on you and describe that influence.
Having grown up in a family of educators certainly has its advantages. Although car rides occupied by Taylor series expansion or dinner conversations centered around Punnett squares can wear thin at times, being surrounded by this passion for teaching has been instrumental in shaping my dreams and aspirations. Though the desires to enhance my education as well as to make an impact on my world have been influenced by my entire family, they were instilled in me largely by my grandfather.
From the stories he would tell of years spent teaching in a one-room schoolhouse to the lessons he was constantly teaching his grandchildren, my grandfather's enthusiasm for educating was always unmistakable to me. Over time, these came to be much more to me than simple anecdotes. The passion evident in all aspects of my grandfather's teaching fortified in me an eagerness to learn; the fondness with which I listened to each story became present in all aspects of my education. To expand my knowledge and broaden my horizons has become a not only a satisfaction but a passion that expanded as I grew.
When I was younger I would often come home from school to find my grandparents visiting. My grandfather's simple perpetual question was, "Did you ask a good question today?" Though this may have been intended merely to spark conversation, it came to serve as a reminder to me each day as I sat in school. Over time, these questions I asked came to be more than just a simple pursuit of comprehension or clarification. They kindled in me a love for the acquisition of new knowledge - a continued quest to delve deeper than merely the knowledge presented to me.
In addition to extending my knowledge, my grandfather inspired in me an ambition to make an impact on my world. Whenever we went around town, whether it was to see a movie or just for an errand, he would invariably run into someone he had taught. Though this could prove tedious for my young self, I eventually came to realize just how much of an impact he had on those he taught and how far-reaching that impact was. This realization instilled in me the desire to influence my world and use my education to give back as my grandfather had done; it is this inspiration that has driven many of my pursuits in all areas of my life, especially in my education.
As I grew up I realized just how much of an influence my grandfather had on me in my early life; I came to appreciate how much more his stories, lessons and interactions began to mean to me. My eagerness to learn, to dive deeper than simply what is presented to me and to give back to the world around me have all stemmed from my grandfather's influence and it is my aspiration for these pursuits that will be instrumental in shaping my experiences and successes throughout my future.
Indicate someone who has had an influence on you and describe that influence.
Having grown up in a family of educators certainly has its advantages. Although car rides occupied by Taylor series expansion or dinner conversations centered around Punnett squares can wear thin at times, being surrounded by this passion for teaching has been instrumental in shaping my dreams and aspirations. Though the desires to enhance my education as well as to make an impact on my world have been influenced by my entire family, they were instilled in me largely by my grandfather.
From the stories he would tell of years spent teaching in a one-room schoolhouse to the lessons he was constantly teaching his grandchildren, my grandfather's enthusiasm for educating was always unmistakable to me. Over time, these came to be much more to me than simple anecdotes. The passion evident in all aspects of my grandfather's teaching fortified in me an eagerness to learn; the fondness with which I listened to each story became present in all aspects of my education. To expand my knowledge and broaden my horizons has become a not only a satisfaction but a passion that expanded as I grew.
When I was younger I would often come home from school to find my grandparents visiting. My grandfather's simple perpetual question was, "Did you ask a good question today?" Though this may have been intended merely to spark conversation, it came to serve as a reminder to me each day as I sat in school. Over time, these questions I asked came to be more than just a simple pursuit of comprehension or clarification. They kindled in me a love for the acquisition of new knowledge - a continued quest to delve deeper than merely the knowledge presented to me.
In addition to extending my knowledge, my grandfather inspired in me an ambition to make an impact on my world. Whenever we went around town, whether it was to see a movie or just for an errand, he would invariably run into someone he had taught. Though this could prove tedious for my young self, I eventually came to realize just how much of an impact he had on those he taught and how far-reaching that impact was. This realization instilled in me the desire to influence my world and use my education to give back as my grandfather had done; it is this inspiration that has driven many of my pursuits in all areas of my life, especially in my education.
As I grew up I realized just how much of an influence my grandfather had on me in my early life; I came to appreciate how much more his stories, lessons and interactions began to mean to me. My eagerness to learn, to dive deeper than simply what is presented to me and to give back to the world around me have all stemmed from my grandfather's influence and it is my aspiration for these pursuits that will be instrumental in shaping my experiences and successes throughout my future.
aarkebauer
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / I love to devote myself to the adventure... Columbia College Why School Essay [7]
I would change this to Furthermore, I would be given a once in a lifetime opportunity to generate a new perspective, discussing Virgil, Dante, Keynes and Virginia Woolf with students from totally different backgrounds and majors from my own.
And also, you might want to take "totally" out of this or replace it with a synonym.
Just something small, but I don't think anyone else mentioned it.
Furthermore, I could quickly generate new perspective, discussing Virgil, Dante, Keynes and Virginia Woolf with students from totally different backgrounds and majors probably once in my lifetime.
I would change this to Furthermore, I would be given a once in a lifetime opportunity to generate a new perspective, discussing Virgil, Dante, Keynes and Virginia Woolf with students from totally different backgrounds and majors from my own.
And also, you might want to take "totally" out of this or replace it with a synonym.
Just something small, but I don't think anyone else mentioned it.
aarkebauer
Dec 31, 2012
Writing Feedback / Running on Faith [2]
You probably don't want to say it like this - try expanding this thought so it doesn't seem so blunt, because you probably did know how to do something.
You also might consider introducing Bobby a bit more - as it is, his entrance seems a little abrupt. Maybe talk about a kid named Bobby who was lazy, etc., but that stood out to you and go from there?
Back then I had no idea how to do anything
You probably don't want to say it like this - try expanding this thought so it doesn't seem so blunt, because you probably did know how to do something.
You also might consider introducing Bobby a bit more - as it is, his entrance seems a little abrupt. Maybe talk about a kid named Bobby who was lazy, etc., but that stood out to you and go from there?
aarkebauer
Oct 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the field of aeronautics and astronautics' - MIT: Describe the world you come from [4]
Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (200-250 words)
Being from a family of educators certainly has its advantages. I have always been surrounded by a passion for teaching, and this has been far reaching in shaping who I am alongside my dreams and aspirations.
My grandfather, a lifelong educator, sparked my aspirations for education. From his stories of years spent teaching in a one-room schoolhouse to the lessons he was constantly teaching his grandchildren, his enthusiasm for educating was always unmistakable to me. The passion evident in his teaching fortified in me an eagerness to learn, which has deepened throughout my life.
When I was younger I would often come home from school to my father's perpetual question, "Did you ask a good question today?" Though this may have been intended merely to spark conversation, it came to serve as a reminder to me each day as I sat in school. Over time, the questions I asked came to be more than just a simple pursuit of comprehension or clarification. They kindled in me a love for the acquisition of new knowledge - a continued quest to delve deeper than merely what is presented in class.
The enduring desire to probe deeper into my interests is what has influenced my ambition to further my education, and has fueled my enthusiasm in the field of aeronautics and astronautics. These dreams and aspirations are the invaluable result of a life surrounded by a zeal for education.
Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (200-250 words)
Being from a family of educators certainly has its advantages. I have always been surrounded by a passion for teaching, and this has been far reaching in shaping who I am alongside my dreams and aspirations.
My grandfather, a lifelong educator, sparked my aspirations for education. From his stories of years spent teaching in a one-room schoolhouse to the lessons he was constantly teaching his grandchildren, his enthusiasm for educating was always unmistakable to me. The passion evident in his teaching fortified in me an eagerness to learn, which has deepened throughout my life.
When I was younger I would often come home from school to my father's perpetual question, "Did you ask a good question today?" Though this may have been intended merely to spark conversation, it came to serve as a reminder to me each day as I sat in school. Over time, the questions I asked came to be more than just a simple pursuit of comprehension or clarification. They kindled in me a love for the acquisition of new knowledge - a continued quest to delve deeper than merely what is presented in class.
The enduring desire to probe deeper into my interests is what has influenced my ambition to further my education, and has fueled my enthusiasm in the field of aeronautics and astronautics. These dreams and aspirations are the invaluable result of a life surrounded by a zeal for education.
aarkebauer
Oct 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement; "Write a note to your future roommate"; four facts about me [8]
It's a great place to start! I'd suggest revising the intro - I see what you're trying to do and the humor works well, but you may not need to be quite so wordy with how you ended up with your result. You might put some of this in the conclusion, and be a bit more serious with the intro.
Just a thought.
It's a great place to start! I'd suggest revising the intro - I see what you're trying to do and the humor works well, but you may not need to be quite so wordy with how you ended up with your result. You might put some of this in the conclusion, and be a bit more serious with the intro.
Just a thought.
aarkebauer
Oct 30, 2012
Undergraduate / The game of GOLF; MIT/ Significant challenge you've faced [3]
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation? (200-250 words)
The summer before my junior year, I knew that I needed to find a summer project. I wanted to focus on something completely new - something that would challenge me. So I decided to teach myself the game of golf. At the time, I realized that this would be a monumental challenge, but that, to me, was the appeal. What I didn't realize, however, was just how much of an impact this project would have on my life.
Maneuvering the little white ball from tee to green frustrated me, to say the least. The mental and physical exertion required of every round was astounding. Every swing, every motion, every breath required the utmost coordination and precision to accomplish the task at hand. Until I began to play, I never had an appreciation for the sheer difficulty of the game, and teaching myself was no small feat. There were days where I would go home swearing never to pick up a club again. But for some reason, I kept coming back for more.
The frustration, I discovered, was also the allure. From my exasperation arose a burning determination to conquer my newly acquired foe, fueling a thirst for knowledge and a pursuit of perfection. This ardent determination is what blossomed into my passion for golf, for the game can never truly be perfected. There is an infinite room for betterment, and thus it is an infinitely great challenge. This tenacious desire to improve is what drives my enduring zeal to play.
Specifically, do you think it adequately answers the question, do you think the intro is too long, and do you think the ending is sufficient to wrap things up?
(This is right at 250 words)
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation? (200-250 words)
The summer before my junior year, I knew that I needed to find a summer project. I wanted to focus on something completely new - something that would challenge me. So I decided to teach myself the game of golf. At the time, I realized that this would be a monumental challenge, but that, to me, was the appeal. What I didn't realize, however, was just how much of an impact this project would have on my life.
Maneuvering the little white ball from tee to green frustrated me, to say the least. The mental and physical exertion required of every round was astounding. Every swing, every motion, every breath required the utmost coordination and precision to accomplish the task at hand. Until I began to play, I never had an appreciation for the sheer difficulty of the game, and teaching myself was no small feat. There were days where I would go home swearing never to pick up a club again. But for some reason, I kept coming back for more.
The frustration, I discovered, was also the allure. From my exasperation arose a burning determination to conquer my newly acquired foe, fueling a thirst for knowledge and a pursuit of perfection. This ardent determination is what blossomed into my passion for golf, for the game can never truly be perfected. There is an infinite room for betterment, and thus it is an infinitely great challenge. This tenacious desire to improve is what drives my enduring zeal to play.
Specifically, do you think it adequately answers the question, do you think the intro is too long, and do you think the ending is sufficient to wrap things up?
(This is right at 250 words)
aarkebauer
Oct 29, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT: Playing the piano has always been a pleasure, a strength and a passion for me [6]
Thanks for the help! There's a 100 word limit, and I'm right at the 100 words - would you suggest changing/taking anything out to add the additional emotional piece?
Thanks for the help! There's a 100 word limit, and I'm right at the 100 words - would you suggest changing/taking anything out to add the additional emotional piece?
aarkebauer
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / PU Influential Person Essay HELP [3]
I'd change "and the driving to basket with such determination" to just "and driving to the basket with such determination."
Overall, you've got a great set of ideas to work with. Something I'd think about is making yourself the subject rather than Allen Iverson, especially early on. Since the topic is about how he's influenced you, I don't think you need to spend time reflecting on his stats, accolades, etc. Incorporate what he's taught you like you talk about toward the end of the essay more into the beginning. I might even take out the paragraph dealing with his awards and the draft, and maybe even the part about his troubles with the law - that's not about you, so I don't think the admissions people will really care - plus, you can just assert that he was a great; they can't ask you why you think so.
So basically, just focus on yourself and what Iverson's taught you more than talking about him. Maybe even include a bit more about how basketball has influenced your life.
Hope this helps.
I'd change "and the driving to basket with such determination" to just "and driving to the basket with such determination."
Overall, you've got a great set of ideas to work with. Something I'd think about is making yourself the subject rather than Allen Iverson, especially early on. Since the topic is about how he's influenced you, I don't think you need to spend time reflecting on his stats, accolades, etc. Incorporate what he's taught you like you talk about toward the end of the essay more into the beginning. I might even take out the paragraph dealing with his awards and the draft, and maybe even the part about his troubles with the law - that's not about you, so I don't think the admissions people will really care - plus, you can just assert that he was a great; they can't ask you why you think so.
So basically, just focus on yourself and what Iverson's taught you more than talking about him. Maybe even include a bit more about how basketball has influenced your life.
Hope this helps.
aarkebauer
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT: the key to many of my successes has been my sense of humor [6]
Thanks for the feedback, and yes, I'm applying EA. I thought the same thing about the risk/reward joke... Where do you think it sounds most repetitive?
Thanks for the feedback, and yes, I'm applying EA. I thought the same thing about the risk/reward joke... Where do you think it sounds most repetitive?
aarkebauer
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT: the key to many of my successes has been my sense of humor [6]
Specifically, do you think my Science Olympiad example works well? I'm at 249 words, so to add anything means I have to change/ take something else out.
Specifically, do you think my Science Olympiad example works well? I'm at 249 words, so to add anything means I have to change/ take something else out.
aarkebauer
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / I come from a multicultural household / Describe your world [6]
First of all, I'd definitely change "and/or" to just "and."
I think it might help to change the second sentence of your second paragraph to "When she met my father, she spoke very little English, and by the time I started school she still had a hard time with the language." It still implies that she had gotten better.
Maybe change the second line of the third paragraph to "[...] daughter was studying English, so without much hesitation, I agreed to meet this girl."
In the last paragraph, I think you should make it a bit more of a progression to how language started as a necessity, then a hobby, then due to how interesting it is, a potential career (I would say "career" instead of "career choice").
As for being "all over the place," I don't think it's bad at all. You might just consider adding a transitional sentence at the end of your paragraphs to help the flow a bit, but overall, I think the progression is clever.
First of all, I'd definitely change "and/or" to just "and."
I think it might help to change the second sentence of your second paragraph to "When she met my father, she spoke very little English, and by the time I started school she still had a hard time with the language." It still implies that she had gotten better.
Maybe change the second line of the third paragraph to "[...] daughter was studying English, so without much hesitation, I agreed to meet this girl."
In the last paragraph, I think you should make it a bit more of a progression to how language started as a necessity, then a hobby, then due to how interesting it is, a potential career (I would say "career" instead of "career choice").
As for being "all over the place," I don't think it's bad at all. You might just consider adding a transitional sentence at the end of your paragraphs to help the flow a bit, but overall, I think the progression is clever.
aarkebauer
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / "Waldo is Nowhere" - UChicago Supplement Essay [2]
This is a very interesting look at the topic. I had actually heard about this dreaded question, and I must say, I'm impressed with where you took it. One little thing, you might take the comma out after Mexico.
You might also consider changing the wording of the "Where is Waldo?" at the beginning of your last paragraph, since you answer it exactly opposite from the last time you asked. I think it might sound good to say "So, where is Waldo, really?" or even, "So, what is Waldo, really?" considering how you end your essay.
Also, before the sentence starting, "Perhaps Waldo is a reminder..." you might want to add a sentence, phrase, etc. to transition into what Waldo is, as seems to be the subject of your last few sentences. For me at least, that would make the ending seem a bit less abrupt.
This is a very interesting look at the topic. I had actually heard about this dreaded question, and I must say, I'm impressed with where you took it. One little thing, you might take the comma out after Mexico.
You might also consider changing the wording of the "Where is Waldo?" at the beginning of your last paragraph, since you answer it exactly opposite from the last time you asked. I think it might sound good to say "So, where is Waldo, really?" or even, "So, what is Waldo, really?" considering how you end your essay.
Also, before the sentence starting, "Perhaps Waldo is a reminder..." you might want to add a sentence, phrase, etc. to transition into what Waldo is, as seems to be the subject of your last few sentences. For me at least, that would make the ending seem a bit less abrupt.
aarkebauer
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT: the key to many of my successes has been my sense of humor [6]
So here's the topic:
What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (200-250 words)
What I'm thinking is that almost everyone is going to have the same sort of essay about their integrity, leadership, etc., and since MIT stresses uniqueness on their application, I thought I'd focus on my sense of humor.
Though I am proud of many aspects of my personality, a key to many of my successes has been my sense of humor. Often subtle and always optimistic, I have found it to be a very beneficial element in relieving stress and assisting in communication and collaboration with my peers, while not taking away from the focus or hard work required in a given situation.
In my activities, athletics and schoolwork, I frequently find myself in stressful situations, many in the form of leadership roles. I have discovered that in order to manage these strenuous situations and attain success as an individual and a group, my sense of humor has played a key role. In Science Olympiad, for example, our projects rarely work according to plan from the beginning. To overcome the added challenges that occur and prevent them from stymying our progress, I often lighten the mood of my teammates and myself subtly through humor. This encourages the growth of new ideas and solutions as we work toward our collective goals.
Additionally, I have found my sense of humor beneficial in creating stronger relationships between my teammates, classmates and myself. These relationships are what have facilitated many of our collective successes, fostering communication and collaboration on ideas and solutions. Without the appropriate sense of humor, this cooperation toward our ultimate goals and our success, overall, would have been greatly limited. A result, my sense of humor is the aspect of my personality that I am most proud of.
So here's the topic:
What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (200-250 words)
What I'm thinking is that almost everyone is going to have the same sort of essay about their integrity, leadership, etc., and since MIT stresses uniqueness on their application, I thought I'd focus on my sense of humor.
Though I am proud of many aspects of my personality, a key to many of my successes has been my sense of humor. Often subtle and always optimistic, I have found it to be a very beneficial element in relieving stress and assisting in communication and collaboration with my peers, while not taking away from the focus or hard work required in a given situation.
In my activities, athletics and schoolwork, I frequently find myself in stressful situations, many in the form of leadership roles. I have discovered that in order to manage these strenuous situations and attain success as an individual and a group, my sense of humor has played a key role. In Science Olympiad, for example, our projects rarely work according to plan from the beginning. To overcome the added challenges that occur and prevent them from stymying our progress, I often lighten the mood of my teammates and myself subtly through humor. This encourages the growth of new ideas and solutions as we work toward our collective goals.
Additionally, I have found my sense of humor beneficial in creating stronger relationships between my teammates, classmates and myself. These relationships are what have facilitated many of our collective successes, fostering communication and collaboration on ideas and solutions. Without the appropriate sense of humor, this cooperation toward our ultimate goals and our success, overall, would have been greatly limited. A result, my sense of humor is the aspect of my personality that I am most proud of.
aarkebauer
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / University of Michigan Supplement - What attracts you to attend UM? [2]
This sounds a little forced to me: The University of Michigan encompasses so many traits that would challenge me daily as well as provide maximum enjoyment of my college years.
Maybe consider something more along the lines of: Without the traits that the University of Michigan would offer me, I do not think I would attain the maximum enjoyment of daily challenge I desire in my college years.
Also, toward the end when you say, "it is a mixture of all of these things combined," maybe change the word "things" to be a little more specific.
Finally, you might consider taking out "hopefully" in the last sentence - they might appreciate the added confidence.
If you have a minute, could you take a look at mine?
This sounds a little forced to me: The University of Michigan encompasses so many traits that would challenge me daily as well as provide maximum enjoyment of my college years.
Maybe consider something more along the lines of: Without the traits that the University of Michigan would offer me, I do not think I would attain the maximum enjoyment of daily challenge I desire in my college years.
Also, toward the end when you say, "it is a mixture of all of these things combined," maybe change the word "things" to be a little more specific.
Finally, you might consider taking out "hopefully" in the last sentence - they might appreciate the added confidence.
If you have a minute, could you take a look at mine?
aarkebauer
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT: Playing the piano has always been a pleasure, a strength and a passion for me [6]
From the MIT Application: We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (100 words or fewer)
Playing the piano has always been a pleasure, a strength and a passion for me. Ever since I began to play, the fuel for this passion has come from the sheer complexity of the instrument. The piano can go in any direction one wants to take it, and I've always been fascinated by these endless possibilities, literally, at my fingertips. With each piece and performance that I am exposed to, I realize just how much more can be accomplished. For me, it is this perpetual pursuit of betterment and achievement that is the pleasure and satisfaction of playing the piano.
From the MIT Application: We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (100 words or fewer)
Playing the piano has always been a pleasure, a strength and a passion for me. Ever since I began to play, the fuel for this passion has come from the sheer complexity of the instrument. The piano can go in any direction one wants to take it, and I've always been fascinated by these endless possibilities, literally, at my fingertips. With each piece and performance that I am exposed to, I realize just how much more can be accomplished. For me, it is this perpetual pursuit of betterment and achievement that is the pleasure and satisfaction of playing the piano.