Research Papers / Essay On Democracy - help with grammatical revisions [2]

Below is an edited version of your essay. As you see the main issues were minor grammar flaws and need for flow and clarity. Overall, you've done well in expressing your views and points throughout the essay. Usually I edit only the first 1-2 paragraphs. I got carried away when reading, which means you have successfully kept my attention! Good job!

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Within democracy are seeds of life and growth mixed with seed of destruction and decay. When met with unfavorable conditions, democracy might lead to tyranny of mediocre majority, the negation of freedom, the free play of self-interest, and the deterioration of individual and national character. However, when met with favorable conditions, democracy encourages self-reliance, initiative, and responsibility and makes authority a trust and ensures equal consideration for all. Democracy's strength depends upon the spiritual efforts of the collective people.

In terms of a starting idea, Robert A. Dahl's "On Democracy" is fitting because the author makes an attempt to outline the structure for a proper democracy on a large scale. Dahl begins by examining the ancient Greek states where the democratic ideal was allegedly founded. However, he argues that what may have functioned well in those lesser populated city-states would not work everywhere, because when the population density is low things like freedom of expression and political participation are simpler. In small-populated states, however, both limitations and possibilities exist (Dahl, 2000).

On one hand, a small city-state and direct democracy can prove useful and effective in providing a center for political participation. People can experience a more progressive outcome by gathering at town meetings where there is active deliberation on matters such as laws, policies, electing or dismissing officials, and conducting trials. Every eligible citizen can provide input into the decision making process. Conversely, direct democracy can be just as ineffective as it can be effective. Part of the problem with direct democracy is that many of the majority participants are often uneducated, biased, or even prejudice. Citizens are not informed enough to make a good policy or are just apathetic to politics in general, leaving the decisions to the minority group who often times have particular self interests (Zorach, 2012).

When our founding fathers signed the Declaration of Independence and established the Constitution, this writer believes they did so with the best intent and with the support of the whole nation. Though they must have realized that while democracy may have been effective on a small scale and in very small-populated states like Greece working at a large-scale nation like the United States didn't seem practical. Our founders were very sophisticated men and feared democracy just as much as they feared a monarch. In fact, they knew that the only thing that could take away a person's liberty was their own government administration, either by being too weak to defend them from outside threats or by being so strong that they would attempt to control every aspect of life. As such, our founding fathers aimed to preserve the rights of the individual while structuring a strong government. At the time, the creation of a democracy seemed radical and incomprehensible to many, particularly regarding the open apprehension of the "mob" rule turning into an anarchy (which in many democratic states it did) and then following into a dictatorship. The outcome was the creation of a republic; although at the time, the founders were probably unsure of how successful the new form of government would be.

The benefits of a republic were significant and insured the people their natural rights and committed "liberty and justice for all" while also protecting the minority from the majority. What this means is that if the United States were a full democracy there would be no such thing as a significant minority; the vote of the people would rule over all. There were still certain democratic processes that were utilized back then, such as majority vote for electing new officials, passing new laws, to name a few, but for the most part the Founding Fathers stayed away from a pure democracy and did so with reason, as they has a clear understanding of what a democracy should be. Clearly, if the Founders has wanted a demoracy it would have been created over a republic. Further, this writer believes the founders would be classified as classical liberals, which today are most closely represented by the Libertarians. If one considers the general shape the Founders attempted to give the government they formed, particularly by how they implemented the Federalist # 10 that ensured checks and balances over the government, one can see they truly considers the people's interest.

Today the United States is immersed in much controversy over the sincerity of modern democracy. This writer believes there are blends of democracy within the republic, but mainly the nation is not a democracy. This view stems from the existence of our Electoral College. Americans do not directly vote on who is going to be our next president, whereas under a true democracy the people's vote would rule 51% to 49%. Instead, individual votes are used to elect state representatives who determine how they would like to use their electoral votes. In this sense, we are labeled a "representative democracy" but because of the unfairness of the Electoral College (giving and taking votes from states, and not to mention the large number of US citizens that live outside of the United States who are not allowed to vote) it is hard to say that the US is even a representative democracy (Grey, 2011).

If the Founding Fathers could see the state of the US government today, it is likely they would not be pleased. In fact, one could believe they would be horrified by the less than honorable individuals who hold position in office. At the time the constitution was drafted it was clear that Founders believed a smaller and less intrusive government was better. Today our nation's government is massive, and modern politicians seem to lack the integrity that our Founders had.

A battle of pros and cons about a large-scale democracy seems to leave us questioning whether it is the best form of government to adopt. While it can often be seen as inefficient, and impractical, Robert Dahl's book On Democracy focuses on the benefits of a true democracy. General freedom, political equality, prosperity, and peace, are just a few of the consequences that Dahl mentions regarding a successful democracy. Dahl's framework of the "ideal democracy" is so alluring that one could question why it has yet to be fully implemented. Perhaps, the reason is linked to the perception that it is too good to be true -- and it just might be.

In his outline, Dahl's lists certain standards for a specific group, state, or nation to be considered democratic, including effective participation, equality in voting, gaining enlightened understanding, exercising final control over the agenda, and inclusion of adults. Dahl also refers to certain political institutions that help mold a more solid and true democracy such as elected officials; free, fair, and frequent elections; freedom of expression; alternative sources of information; associational autonomy; and inclusive citizenship. (Dahl, 2000)

In this writer's opinion, to move in the direction of this "ideal democracy" humans do not need to be perfect. Robert Dahl succeeds in informing people why democracy is the best form of government, but when reading his book one can see how his efforts portray a deeper meaning of self-awareness and how one can contribute to a better form of government through individual morals, values, and participation. Dahl wants to portray the ideal of a self-governing people where the ones in charge are not self-interested aristocrats at the top of the food chain, but rather, the people as a whole --a democracy in which every citizen takes his or her civic obligations seriously. Dahl desires a democracy in which citizens strive to be well informed, not just on matters that will affect them and them alone but will benefit the entire country. However, because a large percentage of the American population fails to put forth viable efforts, the collective people and the nation as a whole are subject to crucial weaknesses and frailties that major impact on where we end up. While Dahl does an impeccable job of determining how and why democracy is the best form of government, this writer also believes his book is a starting point for any individual to subjectively see what they can do to make a difference, because while this "ideal democracy" may seem unrealistic it is by no means impossible.

Writing Feedback / Changes to the society and the suicide rates essay [2]

This is my analysis based on the first paragraph. As you look over my notes in [], you can see why I only analyzed one paragraph.

As society has progressed from archaic to modern, [add something there to bridge the phrases; consider adding "a variety of" ] technological innovations have created an era of instant communication, educational opportunities, and medical marvels. These same virtues [you haven't listed any virtues ] and innovations, however, have been accompanied by an altogether less palatable consequence. In the past forty-five [45 instead of spelling out ] years, suicide rates have risen by more than sixty [60 ] percent ("Facts and Figures" para. 5), and suicide is now classified as a leading cause of death around the world (Saint-Laurent et al. para. 1). The burden of these statistics is equally dire. In addition to the traumatic emotional toll that suicide elicits, suicide and suicide attempts also carry an economic burden in excess of billions of dollars per year ("Facts and Figures" para. 4). In the increasingly important task addressing this issue, the first step must lie in identifying and understanding the array of factors unique to modern society that are driving suicide rates ever higher.

What does the first and second sentence have to due with suicide? There is nothing indicating a relationship. When one begins to read the first paragraph, the reader gets the idea that the paper will be about technology and/or communication and then we are hit with suicide, which continues through the end of the paper. So, this should be clarified. :)

Research Papers / Pro/con and proposal essay on Consumer credit -Revise [6]

Below I have provided revision recommendations for the first two paragraphs with recommendations/notes in []. Overall your information is good and even presented well. The recommendations are minor and can be applied throughout the paper.

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Par. 1:

The [best not to begin with 'the' in academic papers ] use of consumer credit has become an increasingly important aspect of the U.S. economy. In fact, the recent economic boom of the mid-2000s was primarily fueled by consumer spending that was financed by soaring levels of household borrowing. There [reword; beginning with 'there' is too vague when you need concrete information; something as simple as "Many do not recognize the different forms..." ] are many who don't [avoid use of contractions in academic papers ] know the different forms of consumer credit that are used on a daily basis. In addition, many consumers see credit as a way to purchase items [expand on this; perhaps you might want to add "...to purchase items that should generally be paid for in full"]. Although the Great Recession of 2008-2010 [unless require by your course, the term 'recession' would be sufficient ] has generated intense dispute over consumption financed by household debt, consumers should know when to stop [this sentence needs clarifying; consumers were overspending with credit cards long before the recession, so you will need something supportive here ]. Nevertheless, some may argue that without consumer credit the economy would not e abs [correct typo to read 'be as' ] big and many people would be jobless as a result. [This last sentence has merit. In fact, many Americans have relied on credit/credit cards to make ends meet -if they even meet with credit. You might want to expand this a bit since it should be representative of the statement you are making for the rest of your paper. ]

Par. 2:

Since the 1981-1982 recession, outstanding revolving U.S. consumer debt (98 percent [use % versus spelling out ]credit cards) jumped from about $70 billion [When? At the end of 1982? ] to over $958 billion in 2008 (Consumer Credit Jumps...[page # ]). By the spring of 2010, the year-long decline [year long decline? You jumped from 2008 to 2010, which is two years ] in household credit card debt led media pundits to declare that the U.S. spending binge was over and that Americans had learned a costly lesson from the easy credit period. That is, Americans were returning to their prudent spending patterns and paying down their costly consumer debt (Matthews). Overall, credit card debt fell nearly $130 billion, from $958 billion at the end of 2008 to $830 billion in summer of 2010. Also, the household saving rate rose from about-1.0 percent in 2008 to over 4.5 percent in 2010 (Somerville [page # ]).

When you are dealing with figures such as those in par. 2, you will want to give the page #. Also, remember to use % versus spelling it out, unless it is the first or last word of the sentence.

I hope this helps. Great topic, you've chosen!

Writing Feedback / How important is ANZAC story to Australian Identity? clarification on this intro [4]

I have made editing suggestions below. Suggestions and/or edits are in [ ].

Note: The first paragraph is excessively long. I suggest breaking it into two paragraphs as I have done.

The ANZAC story is a vital part of Australia [change to Australian or Australia's] history beginning [with] the evolution of Australia's cultural attitude to war and the government throughout the 20th century. The emergence of this attitude began in 1914 with the start of World War One[.] Australia had been a federal commonwealth for thirteen years but still held [a] strong sense of patriotism towards Britain and readily pledge[d] its support to Britain [need citation here]. Aside from assisting Britain, the war held its own appeal to Australia [which][allowed] the newly established country to forge its own national identity by assisting Britain in the war. The enthusiasm for the war was corroborated by the surplus of naĂŻve male Australian [enlistees] [who] [considered] the war a glorious opportunity for travel and adventure[.] [However, they did not envision] the future hardships they would endure.

In the aftermath of the war[,] the national perception of the surviving soldiers were glorified by the public and government [thereby] constructing [soldiers] to be mythic heroes with awe-inspiring combat prowess unparalleled to enemy countries. [In] reality they were ordinary men with little military training who inherited a nationally constructed [post-war] identity that exaggerated the exploits of Australia soldiers overseas. [Throughout the 20th century,] Australia's cultural attitude of war further evolved [with the onset of the subsequent wars of World War II, the Korean War, and Vietnam. This transformed the heroic perception of ANZAC's into an authentic perception and [unmasked] their exploits in Gallipoli.

ANZAC is important to Australian identity because it facilitated the construction of a national identity that dominated Australia's perception of the ANZACS being mythic heroes. This national identity subsequently evolved and slowly became viewed as realism by the subsequent wars of Korea and Vietnam.

Second Paragraph (also too long; need to be broken into 2 or 3 paragraphs)

The Heroic myth of ANZAC is a nationally constructed identity stemming from the vaunted exploits of Australian ANZAC's in Gallipoli. The ANZAC's abilities were consequently overhyped and constructed into the heroic myth of ANZAC [thereby] creating the national identity of the ANZAC soldier. The beginning of the ANZAC myth began in 1914 with World War 1, when Britain and Germany went to war (Plowman 2003, p.35). Australia[,] eager to establish its own [international] individuality[,] pledged its full support to Britain. Australia's Defense Minister Senator Millen articulate[ed] [that] Australia was not a weak "partner" of the British Empire but was a competent country in all areas (Plowman 2003, p.35). This attitude was reflected in the excess amount of naĂŻve Australians [who volunteered] to be transported to Gallipoli, considering the war a prospect for adventure and glory (Australian War Memorial, 2012).

Regrettably the ANZAC's did not obtain the adventure they sought[;] instead, [they] were placed in grim military engagements. An example of such engagements is the Battle of Hill 60, located in Ypres Salient[.] The site had become of strategic importance to Germans and Allies, as whoever captured the hill would have an unbroken line between ANZAC and Sulva (Hamilton 2012, p.6). The ANZAC identity that resulted from [WWI] portrayed the ANZAC's as proficient killers whose Australian heritage made them superior soldiers to the Europeans (Hamilton 2012, p.6).

I am stopping here, but you can see where I am going with this. Mostly, you need to tighten your text and make sure your punctuation is correct.

This is a very interesting topic!

Undergraduate / 'Her death awoken me' - Johns Hopkins major choice essay [4]

Good job! I made only a few minor edits as follows. Overall, you've done well in creating an attention-getting opening statement. I hope the best for you in being acceptd to the program.

Edited text begins here:

On December 3, 2007, at the age of 54, my grandmother passed away. She could not stave off the fated result of battling adult-onset diabetes in a third-world country.

Her death had awoken me to the realization that the human body is not invincible; rather, it is a system of parts that must perform various synergetic functions in order to reach a desired goal. This newfound understanding sparked in me a sense of fervor to understand how body systems work and why they often fail.

As I continued to expose myself to the knowledge and nature of these systems through courses such as AP Biology and Human Anatomy and Physiology, I became more convinced that a field in this area is my calling. I have a strong passion to learn all I can. I became involved with the Science Olympiad team at my school and for a whole year studied a single protein, Caspase-3. I was enthralled by the fact that this single protein plays a crucial role in apoptosis (programmed cell death) and holds great promise in offering lifesaving cancer gene therapy.

At Johns Hopkins, I want to be able to study in a program that provides academic resources and research opportunities that help further augment my understanding of these topics in both the classroom and the lab, so that in the future I may apply this knowledge to find treatments and solutions to diseases like cancer or diabetes. The Biomedical Engineering program is ideal in that regard and I hope to have the opportunity to become a part of it.

Research Papers / 'The DACA program' - Research Paper review [2]

The following is my assessment and suggestions regarding the first paragraph, your in-text citations, and your works cited list.

Title:
The DACA program being issued (Title should be capitalized)
A better title would be: The Issuance of the DACA Program

First paragraph:
See how the text flows and provides a more straightforward opening?

Issuing the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program has been met with much controversy and varied views on why children of illegal immigrants should be afforded these rights. Passed by President Barak Obama on June 15, 2012, DACA serves young immigrants who have no legal status and who were brought into the United States as children by illegal immigrant parents or other adults ("Who Qualifies"). Individuals approved for DACA are granted a two-year deferred action status at the discretion of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). During the deferment period, individuals are protected against deportation and given a work permit. While state laws differ, some individuals might be eligible to obtain a driver's license. The majority of arguments can be traced to the ongoing struggles the nation has faced with immigration laws coupled with the estimated 1.75 million who might be eligible for deferment (you need a citation here ). However, unlike some government and political legislation, a policy can be cut at any time. (You will want to insert a strong thesis statement here, which should tie in the topic of DACA and the overall theme of the paper, which appears to be against DACA. )

I noticed in your in-text citations you use "..." a lot. This is unnecessary. The correct format would be the full for the first use and the first 1-2 words in subsequent citations of the same source. However, you used (for example) "Who Qualifies..." when you should use the author's last name (Bray).

Citations referencing "What early" should be Giovagnoli and "The Deferred Action..." should be Proskauer.

Also, works cited must be in alphabetical order, last name first, with no bullets. See the corrected works cited below and pay close attention to areas where you need to add information.

Works Cited

Bray, Ilona. "Who Qualifies for Deferred Action as an Immigrant Student or Graduate (DACA)." Title of publication or website goes here in italics. Date published. Web. 19 Oct. 2012.

Giovagnoli, Mary. "What Early DACA Application Numbers Tell Us about the Future of the Program." Title of publication or website goes here in italics. 13 Sep. 2012. Web. 19 Oct. 2012

"Green Card." Title of publication or website goes here in italics. Date of publication. Web. 19 Oct 2012.

Proskauer, Rose. "The Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) Program: Its implications for United States employers." Title of publication or website goes here in italics. 4 Oct. 2012. Web. 19 Oct. 2012.

"U.S. Visas." Title of publication or website goes here in italics. Date of publication. Web. 19 Oct. 2012.

"U.S. Citizenship." Title of publication or website goes here in italics. Date of publication. Web. 19 Oct. 2012.

Book Reports / Powerful Afghani women in "A Thousand Splendid Suns" thesis help [5]

Your idea is good but, yes, you do need to fix the thesis statement. The current statement you've posted isnt a sentence. Instead, you have a series of fragments.

Consider using one of the following:

- In some cultures women are powerless to live the life they choose whether by forced marriage or lack of educational opportunities.
- Whether by forced marriage or lack of educational opportunities, some cultures hinder or remove a woman's power to live the life she chooses.

Graduate / 'medical clinics in my community' - Physician assistant program narrative [2]

I have responded to your help request by editing the first two paragraphs as follows.

Paragraph one:
During my teenage years I began to realize a growing interest in the medical field. My intent interest came as a surprise when considering that I've had no influence from my family. No one in my family works in health care; moreover, I will be the first in my family to attend college. Nevertheless, my interest in the medical field has become a priority and major goal in my life. In some ways, the goal is also a challenge. My family background is filled with hard-working people who have little to no financial resources to send a child to college. This knowledge has also motivated me to work harder to achieve my goals, even if that means having to sacrifice more than most.

Paragraph two:
During high school, I started as a volunteer in local medical clinics. The opportunity gave me a chance to see the importance of patient care and respect for the practice of health care.

(This sentence is particularly wordy and unclear) Then, when I graduated high school, to pay for college I had to do a short-term career, a night school program in my community, as a patient care technician/ nurse assistant which gave me wonderful experiences of working with patients directly.

I assume you mean:
After high school, I started working as a patient care technician/nurse assistant to make and save money for college. However, I have found the job to be rewarding and instrumental in illustrating real-life experiences in working with patients.

The full second paragraph edit reads:
During high school, I started as a volunteer in local medical clinics. The opportunity gave me a chance to see the importance of patient care and respect for the practice of health care. After high school, I started working as a patient care technician/nurse assistant to make and save money for college. However, I have found the job to be rewarding and instrumental in illustrating real-life experiences in working with patients.

Overall, your intent is clear but the way you've put the ideas and goals on paper is too jumbled. However, it's nothing that an edit of grammar and punctuation can't fix. I hope my examples help!

Research Papers / research topics on sociolinguistics [2]

You can examine the study of sociolinguistics and its benefit to society, the importance the study of sociolinguistics, and/or its place in modern culture. Some might not view sociolinguistics as being important but research suggests the opposite is true. A good starting point to examine any one of these topics is pbs.org/speak/speech/sociolinguistics/sociolinguistics/.

You might also want to consider the topic of "sociolinguistics and modern politics." The Eric educational database and Sage, among others, have excellent journal articles on the topic and you can expand on what other authors have deduced in their studies. A simple key word search in ProQuest and similar databases yields dozens of applicable articles.

You've chosen an interesting course of study!

Undergraduate / 'Community college - ups and downs' - temple educational personal statment [2]

The main issues here are grammar and punctuation. However, there is much rambling that can be significantly reduced in a way that conveys the same message without taking the long way around the topic!

I assume there is a length requirement for this essay. Based on the content you've posted here, at least one-third will be eliminated when edited. Of course, I am sure you already knew that. I have read the full essay and commend you on your continued achievements. I have experience with educating children with ADD and I know that it is an ongoing struggle. You should be proud!

Below is my recommended edits for the first two paragraphs:

After high school, I intended to work and enroll in a community college. My efforts in high school weren't outstanding and for this reason my parents were hesitant to send me to a university. I wanted to go away to school like the rest of my friends, but I was focused more on dreams than goals.

My academic experiences have not always been easy. Since elementary school, I have experienced challenges with reading comprehension. I spent more time staring out the window, dreaming about things I wanted to be a part of, than on being a progressive student. Even worse is that my lack of focus hindered my confidence and I lost all motivation to be a better student. My lack of concentration was apparent in my test scores and grades. My mother hired former teachers to tutor me at home. The extra help was successful and my grades improved; however, I continued to struggle to retain focus.

Also, a few more tips:
- Unless it is included in a formal title, etc. spell out the word "and" instead of using "&"
- Be careful to capitalize proper names/titles (e.g. Home Depot)
- Free spirited should be free-spirited

Undergraduate / 'boarding school hostel / creative designer' - personal Statement [2]

The message in your essay is clear; however, the wording is too jumbled in many areas. There are a number of sentences that can be corrected to make the essay flow from sentence to sentence. I have attached a screenshot of a few editing recommendations. Basically, you will want to focus on how you word your sentences and make sure to follow the rules of grammar when writing numbers, etc.

This is an example of how I edited your first paragraph:

The scholarship program introduced by the Embassy of Korea in Nepal (MOFAT) is more than a once in a lifetime opportunity; it is a chance to acquire a premium standard of education and (for me) an official introduction to the Korean culture and lifestyle that I greatly admire. To be able to experience and immerse myself in the dynamic Korean culture and lifestyle is a priority for me in terms of both cultural interchange and knowledge. Since education is considered a prerequisite for accomplishment and success, I believe the disciplined and development-oriented education system in Korea will help me to sharpen my abilities and skills, while it also fosters my personal growth and maturity. Collectively, I believe the experience will continuously inspire me to attain my goals.

Be sure to watch for excessive wording when writing these types of essays. You indicate in your second paragraph that you've been successful in achieving fluency in the English language. To illustrate that this statement is true, you need to make sure your wording choices and the way you express yourself mirrors this claim. The context of the essay is great. You just need to clarify and tighten to keep it flowing throughout.

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Graduate / Masters of Social Work - Statement of Purpose - [2]

I like the overall concepts you try to convey in the essay. Your use of personal examples have been great in explaining There are some areas that can be tightened and others that should be amended to fit with the objectives of social work. I am attaching the essay with edit notes (see tracking comments in the attachment).

In terms of what was required of you in this essay, these are my findings:

Why you are seeking graduate education and where your educational and career interests lie.You have successfully explained and provided background information that supports your plans.

- Your experience with people of different ethnic, religious, or racial backgrounds.Good job in using personal exampes.
- An area of practice in which you have a special interest.Again, you've succeed in providing a clear explanation.
- The type of position or organization in which you would like to work in the future.Good! See previous comment.
- A specific instance or issue of social injustice about which you have some concern.Your discussion and example are good.
- The reasons for your concern about that social injustice.Good.
- Plans for financing your education.Excellent explanation!
- To what extent will you be relying upon personal assets and earnings, help from family, loans, and other sources? If you would like to be considered for scholarship or other aid from the School, tell us why you believe you deserve, merit or should receive such an award.Again, excellent explanation!

I hope this is helpful. I wish you the best and know you will succeed!

Graduate / 'the healthcare industry career' - I desire to be a Physician's Assistant [2]

You have an amazingly unique approach to this essay. I don't know if the opening dialogue is appropriate for a graduate essay, but I can say that you immediately capture your reader's attention. For this reason, I am leaning toward the recommendation to keep the dialogue.

You have succeeded in conveying why you want to be a PA. You do not simply focus on verbiage that directs the reader to "me, me, me"; instead you use illustrative prompts that explain by example. Now, think about that term -"example." A good PA sets a good, positive example. You've done that in your essay.

Your essay indicates you have witnessed the positive traits of a good PA; you have received feedback from actual patients on what they want to see from their medical care providers; and you understand that you must meet those expectations to succeed as a PA. This tells me that you are ready to take that step. You have also created a well-rounded essay that pays careful attention to word choices.

Good job!! Apart from making sure the opening dialogue is acceptable for the specific facility to which you are applying, I do not recommend changes. You should be proud of this essay!

Writing Feedback / What are seasons? Are they as different as they seem? - essay [2]

Hello! First, I recommend changing your title; unless, of course, the title was assigned. Given the ambiguity of the title, however, I am assuming it is not assigned.

The overall premise of the essay is commendable. I like where you're going with the context. However, there are areas that can be tightened to ensure the message you are trying to convey is clear and that the wording flows easily and interestingly from one sentence and paragraph to the other.

Considering the fact that each writer has a unique voice, I refrain from recommending too many changes in terms of using "fancy" words. Still, there is room to improve on wording choices where the message will be more illustrative and interesting. Below you can see how I edited the first few sentences of the third paragraph of your essay.

Alternately, when one thinks about Fall, it is generally associated with the end of the year and earthen colors. When I asked my siblings what comes to mind when thinking about Fall, their answers included words like brown, orange, Halloween, and leaves. Similar to the responses associated with Spring, Fall has colors that are associated with the season. Where Spring is bright and tends to generate images of pastel colors signifying happiness and rebirth, Fall generates images of earth-tones where -in some instances- the end of the year is synonymous with the end of a cycle (e.g. dying leaves).

Also, you can see how I capitalized Fall and Spring. This might not be appropriate for your essay, but if you are going to personify the seasons you will want to apply this change. To be sure, check with your tutor or instructor.