Essays / Personal Essay introduction, how would you catch the readers attention? [3]

How would you rephrase / edit this introduction to catch the readers attention? Its my personal essay for CommonApp and I'm trying to work on the first paragraph.. its giving me trouble. This is basically my introduction on what regret is ( the whole essay in my other thread if you want to check it out).I'd appreciate the help.

What is regret? Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors. How does regret feel? The feeling of regretting something is a million times worse than regret's toughest definition. When we think of all the opportunities we've missed, that empty pit of your stomach feeling tends to be difficult to get rid of. I learned this the hard way, just like everyone else.

Undergraduate / What is regret? ; significant experience, achievement, ethical delima [3]

Anyone mind giving me some feedback and fixing whatever errors there are? I'm sending my application tonight but I'd like someone to review my personal essay. Also, it's over 500 words (511), so it's be a big help if I got some feedback as to where to make cuts. I'd really appreciate it! Thanks!!

**Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

What is regret? Regret: a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors. How does regret feel? The feeling of regretting something is a million times worse than regret's toughest definition. When we think of all the opportunities we've missed, that empty pit of your stomach feeling tends to be difficult to get rid of. I learned this the hard way, just like everyone else.

It's amazing how just a mere memory can submerge you with so many unexplainable emotions. It was the unpleasant view of an old, barefoot, trembling woman that will always be in my memory. It was mid-January and the temperature was below average marking at twenty degrees. Walking through the crowded streets of Manhattan rushing to get home, my eyes captured the sight of her. I can still hear her teeth chattering, a sound that haunts me even to this day. I tried to keep walking and not to stare at her, but it was impossible to eschew such a painful image. Gathering all the loose change resting in my pockets, I tossed it in the small coffee cup by her feet. Quickly walking away, thoughts of giving her my jacket crossed my mind. I immediately turned it down. On my way home, I was constantly thinking about her. Her dark wrinkled skin, shaking hands and bare feet had completely shocked me. The thin dirty blanket that was tightly wrapped around herself was barely protecting her from the biting wind. Tears formed, threatening to fall. I was no better than those who passed by and ignored her. I felt my heart ache, the realization allowed me let out small sobs. 'I have to do something about it' I kept saying myself. The following day, I eagerly returned to the same spot, this time prepared. On arriving however, I noticed no one was there. She was not there. From that moment on my view about the world changed entirely.

As time went on, I've noticed that helping out those less fortunate than me was no longer something I thought twice about. It's become second nature. I've raised awareness of this in my church and several members like myself decided it was time to make a difference. Collecting clothing, shoes, blankets, and food is now done all year. Preparing the donations, driving around the city and handing them out is the easy part. Seeing all the homeless suffer, not having a cent to their name, that's the hard part. The crooked genuine smiles, soft 'Thank-you's, loud 'God-bless you's, and teary eyes you witness, well that's priceless.

Regret tends to stay with us no matter how long ago the missed opportunity took place. In order to get mentally and emotionally past previous regret, we must stop the cycle of regret and seize present opportunities, as they come, not waiting or wavering. That day I refused to take action completely changed my perspective for the better.

Undergraduate / Horseback community; Extra-Curricular [2]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

** Anyone mind giving me some feedback? I'm sending my application today (I know last minuet) but I'd like someone to review my short essay. Also, it's over 1000 characters (almost 1200), so it's be a big help if I got some feedback as to where to make cuts. I'd really appreciate it! Thanks!!

"I can still hear the thud of my back hitting the ground. The sight of metal clad hooves hovering above me as my horses hoof struck the ground right near my head. The feeling of being completely useless as my horse dragged me for what seemed like time without end. My mind had yet to register what was happening, it wasn't until being surrounded by people that I realized how embarrassed I was. Humiliation dominated pain. Before being able to disappear and drown in my misery, a young volunteer approached me. "Just remember, you haven't really ridden until you've fallen off". I understood what he meant. Falling off your horse is a disgrace but it's also an achievement. In the horseback community falling means you've failed, however having the strength inside yourself to get back on the saddle even if you risk falling off again, is an achievement. Riders learn from the falls they've experienced rather than the pain they've felt. Falling teaches riders how to fix mistakes and persevere."

Undergraduate / 'Teachers tell me to be myself and genunie' - Personal Statement [3]

Hi this is just my introduction for my personal statement. The topic is of me overcoming difficulties and how they shaped me into who I am today. Please leave your thoughts and edit/correct any mistakes if you can! BE BRUTALLY HONEST. ALL CRITICISM WILL BE APPRECIATED!!

(Not showing full Osis # and Middle name here for privacy reasons)

27*****08. In high school, I am identified by this number. Right now -as you're reading this- I want you to not think of me as merely a number or another applicant, but as Tiffany M. Rodriguez. Yes, think of me as Tiffany or maybe Tiff but I ask you not a number or a teenager or even a girl. Because here I am, trying, wondering, searching of how I could possibly show you who I am in five-hundred words or less. How could I possibly set myself aside from the thousands and millions of other student applications you receive. I've come to the conclusion, that I can't. It's not up to me, it's up to the reader. In other words, you. It's how you read this 'personal statement' and what you think of it. My teachers have often said, to 'be yourself', to be genuine, and to not pretend. Well, what If being myself, isn't all that great? What If there is someone out there, hiding within the eight billion humans on this planet, just like me? And then as if I had a sudden epiphany, my train of thoughts abruptly came to a stop. Only then did I realize that it's not 'who you are' but rather what made you into who you are. The story behind you. The tears, the blood and the sweat. The relationships that ended and the ones that began. The changes. The hard times. The memories. That's what matters.