chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My forbidden biological father' - Common App Essay - Topic of your choice. [12]
hmmm... it's very well written. and I think a powerful statement... I just don't know if it addresses the prompt.
Perhaps you need to elaborate on the identity you created that you call your own.
Also, I didn't understand how the bit about lunch and going through school was relevant. Maybe you walk with purpose but you don't need the school montage to tell us that. And why is lunch time your greatest battle???
hmmm... it's very well written. and I think a powerful statement... I just don't know if it addresses the prompt.
Perhaps you need to elaborate on the identity you created that you call your own.
Also, I didn't understand how the bit about lunch and going through school was relevant. Maybe you walk with purpose but you don't need the school montage to tell us that. And why is lunch time your greatest battle???
chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
Undergraduate / 'A Filipino-German from a traditional village' - Transfer Essay for UC Personal [6]
"effervescent swagger" does seem awkward... swagger sounds a little cocky actually.
Damn doesn't bother me. It reinforces your new found confidence.
I understood that you're Filipino-German and not Chinese, but only because I am Filipina and recognize Tagalog. Perhaps you could change your translation to "Asian, Asian". Or, you could say something like their insult hurt even more because I'm not Chinese, but Filipino and they didn't even care enough to make a distinction.
"effervescent swagger" does seem awkward... swagger sounds a little cocky actually.
Damn doesn't bother me. It reinforces your new found confidence.
I understood that you're Filipino-German and not Chinese, but only because I am Filipina and recognize Tagalog. Perhaps you could change your translation to "Asian, Asian". Or, you could say something like their insult hurt even more because I'm not Chinese, but Filipino and they didn't even care enough to make a distinction.
chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford essey "what matters to you"; Music - my avid obsession [8]
the first 100 times
sensed exactly what the other was feeling
I think this essay is beautifully worded and a powerful statement about your connection with your dad. However, if this was my essay I would worry about it not answering the prompt directly enough. I think you should specifically state Music matters to me because... or that's why music is so important to me.
the first 100 times
sensed exactly what the other was feeling
I think this essay is beautifully worded and a powerful statement about your connection with your dad. However, if this was my essay I would worry about it not answering the prompt directly enough. I think you should specifically state Music matters to me because... or that's why music is so important to me.
chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
Undergraduate / "Collective benefit over personal want" - UC prompt #2 [3]
I really like this essay, however, I would assume it is a popular topic and you might want to consider making it more unique.
You're last line about winning actually made me laugh because I wasn't expecting it after your serious statement about the team as a whole!
I do think it fits the prompt. Would you please tell me if you think mine does??
I really like this essay, however, I would assume it is a popular topic and you might want to consider making it more unique.
You're last line about winning actually made me laugh because I wasn't expecting it after your serious statement about the team as a whole!
I do think it fits the prompt. Would you please tell me if you think mine does??
chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App Essay 200-500 Words [4]
I would get rid of your cliche definition introduction (we all know what influence means) and start with "In spite of the many obstacles my grandmother, Mattie Gipson, faced growing up..."
I like how you start to tell how your incredible grandmother influences you at the end of your essay. But, you need much more of that! Your essay should be mostly about YOU, not your grandmother. I think it would make this piece much stronger if you gave specific examples of HOW your grandmother influenced you.
Please help me with my essay!
I would get rid of your cliche definition introduction (we all know what influence means) and start with "In spite of the many obstacles my grandmother, Mattie Gipson, faced growing up..."
I like how you start to tell how your incredible grandmother influences you at the end of your essay. But, you need much more of that! Your essay should be mostly about YOU, not your grandmother. I think it would make this piece much stronger if you gave specific examples of HOW your grandmother influenced you.
Please help me with my essay!
chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / Description of a friend - The genius [7]
I would like to talk to you about a special person. He's my childhood friend. Everybody say that we are the inbetwennersI really don't understand what that means
,but it's to hard to find someone who can understand you , who can enjoy life with you everyday .it's my friend Moad or the nicknamed : The genius.
Physically, he looks like a nerd .he's short and quite slim .He has a round, fair- skinned face with narrow eyes behind glasses, and a small nose and wavy hair .He always wears tidy clothes.
The most characteristic thing about Moad is his sense of humor. Well ok, then talk about his sense of humor!!
However, he's wise and takes the right decision in the right time. that's why I often seek advice from him. Also, he's both gifted at mathematics and physics and hardworking. He has the ability of noticing accurately noticing what accurately? and memorizing quickly. That's why this brainy boy is an excellent student. Moreover, he's known to be very cooperative and vital. When we have assigned projects, he works well with us, always does his share of work and bring the best of the group by being positive and cheerful . He has all the qualities of leadership. He is kind of person you admire him, the way he is talking, and the topics is discussing .Moad is generous and kind with everyone. He likes to help someone, and doesn't expect anything from him. That makes him more lovely and popular at school. Everybody wants to take company with him. Although, he spends his time at studying, he's the best player of video games I have ever seen.
I am so lucky to have him like a friend. I hope life never separates us.
I would like to talk to you about a special person. He's my childhood friend. Everybody say that we are the inbetwennersI really don't understand what that means
,but it's to hard to find someone who can understand you , who can enjoy life with you everyday .it's my friend Moad or the nicknamed : The genius.
Physically, he looks like a nerd .he's short and quite slim .He has a round, fair- skinned face with narrow eyes behind glasses, and a small nose and wavy hair .He always wears tidy clothes.
The most characteristic thing about Moad is his sense of humor. Well ok, then talk about his sense of humor!!
However, he's wise and takes the right decision in the right time. that's why I often seek advice from him. Also, he's both gifted at mathematics and physics and hardworking. He has the ability of noticing accurately noticing what accurately? and memorizing quickly. That's why this brainy boy is an excellent student. Moreover, he's known to be very cooperative and vital. When we have assigned projects, he works well with us, always does his share of work and bring the best of the group by being positive and cheerful . He has all the qualities of leadership. He is kind of person you admire him, the way he is talking, and the topics is discussing .Moad is generous and kind with everyone. He likes to help someone, and doesn't expect anything from him. That makes him more lovely and popular at school. Everybody wants to take company with him. Although, he spends his time at studying, he's the best player of video games I have ever seen.
I am so lucky to have him like a friend. I hope life never separates us.
chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
Undergraduate / 'family of accountants / Not knowing my dreams' - UCs#1 - My dreams and aspirations [6]
I like you're first essay because it makes you seem hardworking, practical, and realistic. Your second essay however makes you seem completely controlled by your parents and unwilling to pursue any of the dreams that are actually yours. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I would definitely use the first essay. That being said, you do a lot of explaining of accounting in that essay. Hopefully, any admissions officer already knows what accounting is. I would get rid of that and use the space to talk a little more about YOU. After all, the people reading your essays don't know anything else about you as an individual.
I like you're first essay because it makes you seem hardworking, practical, and realistic. Your second essay however makes you seem completely controlled by your parents and unwilling to pursue any of the dreams that are actually yours. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I would definitely use the first essay. That being said, you do a lot of explaining of accounting in that essay. Hopefully, any admissions officer already knows what accounting is. I would get rid of that and use the space to talk a little more about YOU. After all, the people reading your essays don't know anything else about you as an individual.
chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
Undergraduate / Here are some things I want you to know; Stanford Supplement--roommate [4]
Honestly, I would be a little concerned to get this letter from a future roommate. You come off a little too fanatical. Also I find the very first point insulting; why would you think I'd rip your posters down?
However, I do like the seventh point and I think admissions like to here how you will be involved on campus.
Honestly, I would be a little concerned to get this letter from a future roommate. You come off a little too fanatical. Also I find the very first point insulting; why would you think I'd rip your posters down?
However, I do like the seventh point and I think admissions like to here how you will be involved on campus.
chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
Undergraduate / 'a positive Latino role model' - UC Personal Statement Prompt #1 [6]
How was the night "ceaseless"? That adjective doesn't make any sense and I think I'd get rid of it.
"when a continuous sobbing coming from down the hall..."
"I depended mostly on myself to get the basic tools to understand everyday school lessons because my parents were constantly at work." The phrase about your parents being in the middle of the sentence is more confusing and choppy.
How was the night "ceaseless"? That adjective doesn't make any sense and I think I'd get rid of it.
"when a continuous sobbing coming from down the hall..."
"I depended mostly on myself to get the basic tools to understand everyday school lessons because my parents were constantly at work." The phrase about your parents being in the middle of the sentence is more confusing and choppy.
chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
Undergraduate / Critique my Yale supplement response for 2013 application. [5]
i love this sentence "I watch technology new like CIA watches over America." but I think I'd say "the CIA"
Ijust love helping my friends when they need technology related help. I don't think you need the next part of the sentence.
The tenses in your second sentence are awkward, and it is a run on. How about: "Since I was a kid, I have been fascinated by computers. Then as I grew up, smartphones and tablets were introduced, keeping my love of technology growing."
i love this sentence "I watch technology new like CIA watches over America." but I think I'd say "the CIA"
I
The tenses in your second sentence are awkward, and it is a run on. How about: "Since I was a kid, I have been fascinated by computers. Then as I grew up, smartphones and tablets were introduced, keeping my love of technology growing."
chaleys
Nov 18, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Sailing and the Queen's Cup' - UC application's second [5]
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Sailing is not sitting back and letting the wind push you around and neither is life. It is taking the reigns for yourself and pushing as hard as you can towards your goal. It takes the most precise attention to the details of every sail and every piece of rope. It is taking the raw wind and water of nature and providing direction.
Two hundred boats tacked back and forth along the starting line of the Queen's Cup Race, trying to push others over early. On the Syrena, I was in charge of runners, ropes that keep the rigging upright. Weaving our way around the crowded starting line demanded tacks every couple minutes, leaving me scrambling back and forth, throwing all my weight into easing and tightening the runners as the boat rolled from one tack to another. Starts require not only agility and physical strength but a complete trust in your skipper and crew. The boats get incredibly close, almost brushing together, before snapping around and avoiding a collision.
We settled into the race as night fell. Off the port side, hundreds of bright green lights shone off the boats all headed across the lake. All of them riding the same stiff wind, united, with a common purpose, was awe-inspiring. It was a powerful reminder that the people we were competing against have the same passion for the sport as we do. Looking out at all the boats instilled in me a sense of respect for the entire sailing community and a pride in being part of it.
Most of the green lights stayed with us all night, but, to balance the boat, all but the skipper sat looking starboard, away from the rest of the fleet. We switched skippers often in an effort to make sure whoever was steering was alert. When it was my turn, I perched myself on the runner cleat so that I could see the instruments, and took the tiller. It is much harder to steer out in the open water, with nothing to use for direction but the thin needle on a compass and the digital number blinking out the heading than close to shore with landmarks to use for reference. With the wind, waves, and current buffeting the boat, I was constantly checking our heading to make sure we didn't blow off course.
When Angela took over, my eyes were exhausted from staring so long at the small compass. But I was proud that I had been trusted with the tiller and steered us safely.
Because of the heavy winds, everyone was required on deck all night, sitting on the rail, looking out into the dark. In the midst of the rolling water and endless sky you can't help but feel small, but I discovered a solace in knowing the world is much bigger than I. No matter my small troubles, the wild wonderful world will still be out there. Sailing is something I will continue to do for the rest of my life not only for the adrenaline of the race, and the sensation of flying over the water, but also for these long stretches that give me a chance to appreciate the immutable bigness of the earth.
I am so proud of our crew of 10 for placing fourth in our division. But I am even prouder of myself for following my sense of adventure and becoming part of the crew in the first place. Sailing keeps me working hard for a taste of freedom. It makes me stronger, teaches me patience and cooperation, and more than anything how to keep my head in challenging and sometimes dangerous situations. I know that I am a person worth depending on and I feel that I proved my weight helping my crew through the Queen's Cup.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Sailing is not sitting back and letting the wind push you around and neither is life. It is taking the reigns for yourself and pushing as hard as you can towards your goal. It takes the most precise attention to the details of every sail and every piece of rope. It is taking the raw wind and water of nature and providing direction.
Two hundred boats tacked back and forth along the starting line of the Queen's Cup Race, trying to push others over early. On the Syrena, I was in charge of runners, ropes that keep the rigging upright. Weaving our way around the crowded starting line demanded tacks every couple minutes, leaving me scrambling back and forth, throwing all my weight into easing and tightening the runners as the boat rolled from one tack to another. Starts require not only agility and physical strength but a complete trust in your skipper and crew. The boats get incredibly close, almost brushing together, before snapping around and avoiding a collision.
We settled into the race as night fell. Off the port side, hundreds of bright green lights shone off the boats all headed across the lake. All of them riding the same stiff wind, united, with a common purpose, was awe-inspiring. It was a powerful reminder that the people we were competing against have the same passion for the sport as we do. Looking out at all the boats instilled in me a sense of respect for the entire sailing community and a pride in being part of it.
Most of the green lights stayed with us all night, but, to balance the boat, all but the skipper sat looking starboard, away from the rest of the fleet. We switched skippers often in an effort to make sure whoever was steering was alert. When it was my turn, I perched myself on the runner cleat so that I could see the instruments, and took the tiller. It is much harder to steer out in the open water, with nothing to use for direction but the thin needle on a compass and the digital number blinking out the heading than close to shore with landmarks to use for reference. With the wind, waves, and current buffeting the boat, I was constantly checking our heading to make sure we didn't blow off course.
When Angela took over, my eyes were exhausted from staring so long at the small compass. But I was proud that I had been trusted with the tiller and steered us safely.
Because of the heavy winds, everyone was required on deck all night, sitting on the rail, looking out into the dark. In the midst of the rolling water and endless sky you can't help but feel small, but I discovered a solace in knowing the world is much bigger than I. No matter my small troubles, the wild wonderful world will still be out there. Sailing is something I will continue to do for the rest of my life not only for the adrenaline of the race, and the sensation of flying over the water, but also for these long stretches that give me a chance to appreciate the immutable bigness of the earth.
I am so proud of our crew of 10 for placing fourth in our division. But I am even prouder of myself for following my sense of adventure and becoming part of the crew in the first place. Sailing keeps me working hard for a taste of freedom. It makes me stronger, teaches me patience and cooperation, and more than anything how to keep my head in challenging and sometimes dangerous situations. I know that I am a person worth depending on and I feel that I proved my weight helping my crew through the Queen's Cup.
