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Posts by mrkrishan
Joined: Nov 27, 2012
Last Post: Nov 30, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 15  
Likes: 3
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 17
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mrkrishan   
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / College Essay on influential Person: My Twin [4]

This is good, but I'm not sure about freshman essays, but I feel like with transfer essays they want to see independence a lot, for example my essay is about a risky topic depression because they might think that it is something that would cause me to waste what I worked for, for you if you had life without her obviously yeah it would be sad and a horrible thing, but the focus I feel like should be what lesson or qualities from her would still be carried with you even after she passes away, but idk I'm doing a transfer essay it might be a little different.
mrkrishan   
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement 2 - Overcoming Depression - 'It was the last week of school' [8]

haha everalf I did critique yours yesterday, I'm the only person who did! But yeah I see what you mean, I was looking earlier in the essay that I mentioned it and thought it would make sense, but your right the sentences should flow. I do jump around alot because it takes me really long to think of what to write so the ideas just kind of come out of my head, maybe transitions will help me add length. By the way, do you know if it is bad if I make my prompt 2 like 150 words longer than my prompt 1?
mrkrishan   
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Prompt of UC - Marching Band in my life. [2]

My participation has allowed me to grow from a person who had a hard time accepting who I was and what I looked like, into a person who is confident that with the right determination,. I can succeed no matter what people tell me.

Becoming apart of the marching band helped me realize that al though my family was never going to be the same again, it was possible to have another family; the band.

If you don't want to use the word although then maybe say "though my family would ", Also shouldn't the semicolon be a colon?

I began finding it hard to talk to people insecure, or ; idk which one thinking that others would tease me for my predicament.

then allowed me to give back.

Nice essay it sounds like the marching band was really important to you helped you keep it all together good job!
mrkrishan   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Application- Overcoming OCD and Depression [5]

Are you really not proud of overcoming your depression though? I think another way to make that point would be to say that you are thankful that you experienced depression, that way sounds a bit more positive but means the same thing. And the medication is seriously your call, if I were to add it then I would've told my truth which is that the decision to take medication was big for me because at first I was reluctant, and then talk about how when I did take it I noticed things turning around and shit because that way it sounds like taking medication was a big and important choice that I made which was the right choice because it helped. Idk we had slightly different experiences and I'm a psychology major and don't want to go into psychiatry anymore, so it would make me look contradictory to take medication to heal my problem haha
mrkrishan   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement 2 - Overcoming Depression - 'It was the last week of school' [8]

Bump, I WILL CRITIQUE IN RETURN! I still need more critique so that I can edit this essay into one that I am confident with.

@Jcubed: Thanks for the advice! You're so right about adding my psychologist abrupty, I didn't even realize that I will definitely add a transition, I have 100 words left to write anyways between my 2 essays.
mrkrishan   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement on Depression and Cross Country [3]

I thought I read this earlier and I was confused if those scars on your arms meant cuts or marks from the medication, good job clearing that up. Or was that someone else's essay which also talked about accutane, cross country, and depression o.o
mrkrishan   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Appeals of Learning - FSU essay; Anatole's France (French poet) quote [6]

That first sentence is actually also the exact definition of Socratic Humility so you could add a Socrates philo quote ;)

The first paragraph is definitely your strongest.

Dedicating my time to learn and inspiring others is one aspect of my life that will never cease to fade away.

If it never ceases to fade away, your saying that learning and inspiring others is an area of your life that will never stop fading away. Or that's how I interpreted it.

At work I've learned about speed of service and the value of hard earn money

Instead of speed of service, maybe you should use the word "efficiency"

This sentence is too long and confusing, you can either split it into two, or maybe adding a semicolon before nonetheless and a comma before summer idk the exact proper way to write it with semicolons though:

Also, I think you need a comma right before that Ghandi quotation, hope my feedback helped a little, please critique my prompt 2 or 1 as well!
mrkrishan   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Application- Overcoming OCD and Depression [5]

Great story man! I wrote about overcoming depression as well, but for mine I definitely said I was proud to overcome it, but that if I never made those failures and was never diagnosed with depression, then I would've never been able to make those achievements and become who I am today. Good essay, I just don't think you should say you aren't proud of overcoming depression, because it makes it seem like part of you still misses it because it is who you were, cause that is common if you are just starting to leave it behind. Also in mine I didn't include the fact that I take medication, because it wants to know about how the experience made you who you are, not how the medicine made you who you are. I feel like if I added the medicine in there then they would think that once I get off meds I might relapse. Anyways great job and congrats on getting over depression, it's a journey but I'm so thankful that I went through it and learned from it.
mrkrishan   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement 2 - Overcoming Depression - 'It was the last week of school' [8]

Hey guys, the deadline is tomorrow to submit this so please tear this apart with critique, as much as you have time for please and I will give a like to anybody with some input. I really need somebody to critique/review/edit this before I turn it in, I know it's a personal essay but be as harsh as you want as long as it is advice. Thanks!

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

It was the last week of school during freshman year of high school, and I just found out that I got an A on my biology final, a class that I struggled with all year. I was filled with pride and joy, rushing to the front of the school eager to tell my mom. When I got there, my dad and sister were in the car instead. When I got in I asked, "Where's mom? I wanted to tell her I got an A on my biology final!" There was no comment. My dad started driving and still they said nothing. I finally asked, "What's wrong? Why are you guys being so weird?" They finally told me what was wrong. My mother had stage-two breast cancer, and at that moment happiness disappeared from my life.

Junior year we were informed that she would survive, yet that same year I was still diagnosed with clinical depression. At that point, I was living in bad faith. I was sad that I caused stress to my mother, I was sad that I did not have good grades, I was sad that I was scrawny even though I used to feel too chubby, and most of all I was sad that happiness was so scarce in my life. I didn't think things would ever get better, but the truth is if I never hit rock bottom, I would not have had the motivation that I've gained today. My psychologist was someone who could relate to me more than anybody else, but he taught me how to turn my sadness into motivation to improve on those areas of my life.

During most of high school I thought that the academic goals that my parents tried setting upon me were impossible, so I just tried my best and hoped that they would be proud enough. Now I set my own academic goals of getting 100% on tests and getting As in my classes, and I actually accomplish them, because it is worth it to put in work towards achieving my own goals and feel the pride that I get in return. Instead of being sad about the stress that I caused my mother, I talked to her until she understood that I was ready to be responsible for my own schoolwork and wanted her to stop worrying about it. I was unhappy with my body, so I decided to eat more, eat healthier, and workout frequently and I have stayed consistent because the pride that I get from not feeling scrawny anymore drives me to keep going. Overcoming depression has taught me to build my own path through life and has provided me with the confidence and motivation to achieve my goals.
mrkrishan   
Nov 28, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 - Transfer Student "How I got into psychology" [5]

Thank you so much for your critique Jenny! I'll definitely make those edits I was trying to think of better ways to word "In the past people have neglected going to psychologists, because they think that if they go they wont be considered a normal person." I just couldn't think of a way to reword that, but what you said is perfect! Thank you so much for your help, I will reply with an updated version tomorrow, because today I have to do a project and prompt 2. Thanks once again for your awesome advice I gave you a like!
mrkrishan   
Nov 28, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt #1 Sociology & Asian American Studies [6]

Laos to America, post dramatic stress

It is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

"Know hystory, Know self

I wasn't sure if the y in history is part of the quote or a spelling error.

Overall it was a great story, and you have a great reason to want to pursue your major. At first you sounded stuck up, but by the end you show a transformation and maturity. Great job, please also critique mine, I got 2 days left and not a single person has looked over it :(
mrkrishan   
Nov 28, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt - Intended major: Physics [5]

Great detail/description. It flows good, the only thing that I would add at the end is what you would like to do once you get your major like work for blah company doing blah. But overall great essay! Please critique my prompt 1 as well! Mine really needs it haha
mrkrishan   
Nov 28, 2012
Undergraduate / UC prompt 1: Girl Gamer in Chinese Society [9]

Haha loved the Welcome to Summoner's Rift I haven't been able to LoL at all busting my ass off on college essays. Yours is great btw and the end makes it seem like you appreciate your parents, not that you are bitter towards them. Good luck! And also critique my prompt 1 if you have time please! Stressing out cause I'm not a good writer like you, yet nobody will reply to my essay!
mrkrishan   
Nov 28, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 - Transfer Student "How I got into psychology" [5]

Hey guys, please critique my college essay as much as possible, I need to turn this in by November 30th, this is my first draft so don't hold back please tear this paper apart with feedback.

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

People suffer from two types of pain, physical pain and emotional pain; therefore, there are two types of healing, physical healing and mental healing. Physical healing is the job of doctors and nurse, while mental healing is the job of psychologists. In the past people have neglected going to psychologists, because they think that if they go they wont be considered a normal person. Even I was of those people, until a psychologist healed me.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in high school, and during that time I had almost lost all hope that my life would ever get better, until my parents sent me to a psychologist, Dr. John Schienner. Dr. John helped show me that there was a way out, and he gave me the motivation that I needed to take charge of my life. After going through this experience, I have been happier and more content with my life than I ever thought was possible and it has inspired me to help others go through this same transformation.

Now when I see others who look down I try to engage with them and make them feel comfortable to open up to me. Ever since seeing a Dr. John, I have had way more people who are in my life start to share their problems with me, because I could relate to their sadness yet I showed them how beneficial the experience can be to learn from. I know that being a psychologist is right for me, because I love the feeling I get from helping somebody with their problems, but helping them achieve emotional well being is an accomplishment that I would strive for every day, because it is something that will help a person for a lifetime.

After taking my first college introduction psychology class, psychology became all more real in my life. I was so intrigued by all of the branches of psychology, especially transpersonal psychology, developmental psychology, and abnormal psychology. Now after taking many more psychology classes I've started thinking about why others who are close to me do the things that they do think and behave in the ways that they do.

Currently, I work at an afterschool center called Yang Fan Academy so I know a lot of children from kindergarten through sixth grade, and I try to apply what I've learned from developmental psychology to think of a reason for their behavior. I also learned to handle the children in my classroom much better after using operant conditioning, which I learned about in my first college psychology class, which covered developmental psychology.

Although my experience from watching kids develop in social settings and going to a psychologist benefit me, I have much more to learn from going to a four-year institution. After studying psychology in college, I hope to open up private practice as a psychotherapist or a developmental psychologist.