Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement 2 - Overcoming Depression - 'It was the last week of school' [8]

Hey guys, the deadline is tomorrow to submit this so please tear this apart with critique, as much as you have time for please and I will give a like to anybody with some input. I really need somebody to critique/review/edit this before I turn it in, I know it's a personal essay but be as harsh as you want as long as it is advice. Thanks!

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

It was the last week of school during freshman year of high school, and I just found out that I got an A on my biology final, a class that I struggled with all year. I was filled with pride and joy, rushing to the front of the school eager to tell my mom. When I got there, my dad and sister were in the car instead. When I got in I asked, "Where's mom? I wanted to tell her I got an A on my biology final!" There was no comment. My dad started driving and still they said nothing. I finally asked, "What's wrong? Why are you guys being so weird?" They finally told me what was wrong. My mother had stage-two breast cancer, and at that moment happiness disappeared from my life.

Junior year we were informed that she would survive, yet that same year I was still diagnosed with clinical depression. At that point, I was living in bad faith. I was sad that I caused stress to my mother, I was sad that I did not have good grades, I was sad that I was scrawny even though I used to feel too chubby, and most of all I was sad that happiness was so scarce in my life. I didn't think things would ever get better, but the truth is if I never hit rock bottom, I would not have had the motivation that I've gained today. My psychologist was someone who could relate to me more than anybody else, but he taught me how to turn my sadness into motivation to improve on those areas of my life.

During most of high school I thought that the academic goals that my parents tried setting upon me were impossible, so I just tried my best and hoped that they would be proud enough. Now I set my own academic goals of getting 100% on tests and getting As in my classes, and I actually accomplish them, because it is worth it to put in work towards achieving my own goals and feel the pride that I get in return. Instead of being sad about the stress that I caused my mother, I talked to her until she understood that I was ready to be responsible for my own schoolwork and wanted her to stop worrying about it. I was unhappy with my body, so I decided to eat more, eat healthier, and workout frequently and I have stayed consistent because the pride that I get from not feeling scrawny anymore drives me to keep going. Overcoming depression has taught me to build my own path through life and has provided me with the confidence and motivation to achieve my goals.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 - Transfer Student "How I got into psychology" [5]

Hey guys, please critique my college essay as much as possible, I need to turn this in by November 30th, this is my first draft so don't hold back please tear this paper apart with feedback.

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

People suffer from two types of pain, physical pain and emotional pain; therefore, there are two types of healing, physical healing and mental healing. Physical healing is the job of doctors and nurse, while mental healing is the job of psychologists. In the past people have neglected going to psychologists, because they think that if they go they wont be considered a normal person. Even I was of those people, until a psychologist healed me.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in high school, and during that time I had almost lost all hope that my life would ever get better, until my parents sent me to a psychologist, Dr. John Schienner. Dr. John helped show me that there was a way out, and he gave me the motivation that I needed to take charge of my life. After going through this experience, I have been happier and more content with my life than I ever thought was possible and it has inspired me to help others go through this same transformation.

Now when I see others who look down I try to engage with them and make them feel comfortable to open up to me. Ever since seeing a Dr. John, I have had way more people who are in my life start to share their problems with me, because I could relate to their sadness yet I showed them how beneficial the experience can be to learn from. I know that being a psychologist is right for me, because I love the feeling I get from helping somebody with their problems, but helping them achieve emotional well being is an accomplishment that I would strive for every day, because it is something that will help a person for a lifetime.

After taking my first college introduction psychology class, psychology became all more real in my life. I was so intrigued by all of the branches of psychology, especially transpersonal psychology, developmental psychology, and abnormal psychology. Now after taking many more psychology classes I've started thinking about why others who are close to me do the things that they do think and behave in the ways that they do.

Currently, I work at an afterschool center called Yang Fan Academy so I know a lot of children from kindergarten through sixth grade, and I try to apply what I've learned from developmental psychology to think of a reason for their behavior. I also learned to handle the children in my classroom much better after using operant conditioning, which I learned about in my first college psychology class, which covered developmental psychology.

Although my experience from watching kids develop in social settings and going to a psychologist benefit me, I have much more to learn from going to a four-year institution. After studying psychology in college, I hope to open up private practice as a psychotherapist or a developmental psychologist.