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Posts by Noob in writing
Joined: Feb 10, 2009
Last Post: Oct 1, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 25  

From: China

Displayed posts: 30
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Noob in writing   
Sep 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'worked in a real estate investment trust' - Professional Achievement - 200 word [4]

I worked in a real estate investment trust XXXX this summer. My project was to modify the new investment model and use it for all our existing properties and future investments.

I was motivated by the significant responsibility, as all investment decisions would be based on the results from the model. Over the next two months, I worked closely with the department heads of Acquisition and Asset Management, to dissect the model, discuss about desired functions, and automate financial calculations. I also worked with people from IT and Accounting, to build in functions that linked our Oracle database directly to the financial model and automatically generated financial statements for each project. Without finance experience, I had to learn many accounting concepts on myself, and to read books after work to familiar myself with real estate valuation methods.

My diligence eventually paid off; I managed to finish the project beyond the expectation of my supervisors, and they gave me a cash bonus for my contribution to the company. This project offered me a chance to take on substantial responsibility and apply what I had learned into practice, and to test myself against a tough professional challenge.
Noob in writing   
Sep 7, 2011
Essays / Why is academic writing so hard to read and write? - my essay topic [9]

A little off topic ("undergraduate academic experience") - is that OK?

Maybe more than a little off topic:

The essay question asks for "undergraduate academic experience". However I spent about 40% of the essay talking about academic experience and the other 60% talking about a transformation on the spiritual level of my personality. Do you think that it is OK? Or should I modify my essay to talk more about academic? It is a B-School application essay.

Thanks!
Noob in writing   
Sep 7, 2011
Undergraduate / "Growing up as an only child" - UC where you come from [5]

Good essay overall. However I think the school really wants to see more concrete examples of your interaction with your environment, either the people or some special situations you have that shape your personalities. Hope this makes sense...
Noob in writing   
Mar 1, 2010
Undergraduate / WHY? short essay on Why Engineering? [5]

"please tell us what attracts you specifically to the study of engineering"

In industrial engineering I find preparation I need to solve real world problems. In contrast to the curriculum of economics, the one of industrial engineering combines economics, computer science and optimization methods into one package, providing me a balanced mixture of intellectual discipline and technical skills under real world scenario. Most importantly, engineering teaches ways of thinking and the developments of analysis, which will be essential under today's globalized and fast-paced society.

I am switching from economics to industrial engineering. Hope it works! Any feedback will be appreciated.
Noob in writing   
Mar 1, 2010
Undergraduate / study abroad in japan--buddhist art and neuroscience??? [3]

I am interested in this program because it sounds like an amazingly unique opportunity to experience the culture and religion of Japan and also appreciate the country's natural beauty.

I suggest you to make this a little bit more formal. Use the name of the program rather than "this program" and "it sounds like" sounds very conversational.
Noob in writing   
Feb 16, 2010
Book Reports / Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead, brief discussion on how it has influenced me [5]

I revised the second sentence in the second paragraph:

In the first place, her objectivism viewpoints and the declaration that "work is worship" strengthened my determination to take my own path. With the encouragement from Ayn Rand's spirit, I finally decided to put college off and develop my own business.

Does that look better? Thanks~
Noob in writing   
Feb 16, 2010
Book Reports / Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead, brief discussion on how it has influenced me [5]

It's a brief discussion on how Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead has influenced me... Any feedback is appreciated!
--The man that will stop the motor of the world.

Amongst the many books composed by Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead is my favorite. Widely recognized as the creator of objectivism philosophy, Ayn Rand molded two distinguished types of people in the book-the independent creators that created all the human civilization by their own effort, and the dependent parasites who lived second-handed, fed by other people's minds. The protagonist in The Fountainhead, Howard Roark, was not a popular person. But with honesty, dreams and clear individualism mindset, he finally broke through the convention of the world, erecting his own monuments.

I have been influenced by Ayn Rand's philosophy mainly in two ways. First of all, her objectivism viewpoints and the declaration that "work is worship" strengthened my determination to take my own path, encouraging me when I finally decided to put college off and develop my own business. More importantly, through the main characters in The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand showed an abiding faith in individualism, which I believe is indispensible for a charismatic leader. The appropriate amount of individualism conveyed by Ayn Rand granitized my belief in the power of man. Even if minimal, one man's effort can still make a difference.
Noob in writing   
Nov 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay (Stanford) - Topic of your Choice (English major) [3]

This is incredible. I have helped my friends who got into top ivy schools to revise their essays, and I have written many when I applied to schools. But I have hardly seen anything like this. We all know that you, as a high school student, have endured so much and deserve admission.

My advice is to try to cut down a few sentences in the 3rd and 4th paragraph and try to combine them together, since the focus of your essay is your "realization" and things after.

Good luck with you application and hope to see you at stanford.
Noob in writing   
Feb 17, 2009
Writing Feedback / wording problems in a paragraph [6]

This is a paragraph in the beginning of my essay. What I want to say is that even I need to accept what I don't like, I always compromise. Some of my friends said that the words resilient and alacrity were not suitable here. Would someone please give me some advice on how to revise them? Thank you very much!

I appear to be more easy-going than over motivated person in life; whenever faced with anything not to my liking, I always compromise, sometimes even to the degree of being resilient. I often accept disappointing facts with feigned alacrity, hoping my expectation will be met the next time, even if that means hard work and a busy life.
Noob in writing   
Feb 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Personal statement for UW app; "How on earth did I get here?" [6]

Good essay. My suggestion is to try to focus more specificly on one point thus try to cut down the length a little bit. You can definately write more than what they suggest you to write, but don't overdo too much.
Noob in writing   
Feb 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app Short Answer (cyber competition) [17]

Thank you Kevin. Unfortunately I don't know if they call that volleys, but I have not heard of that since I came here (I play ping pong with my friends regularly)

Do I need to include some other information like I played in the district team (one level lower than city team)?
Noob in writing   
Feb 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app Short Answer (cyber competition) [17]

Thank you gautama~

so do you have any idea about how to change the death warrant part?

i will try modify it and post again.
Noob in writing   
Feb 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app Short Answer (cyber competition) [17]

ok I am actually also considering using the one I wrote for freshman application (i am applying for transfer now).

that was about Ping Pong

Ping Pong has taught me the way to act and react in life. A good Ping Pong player is just like a good swordsman, and the most delicate swordsmanship is not to kill the enemy at once; it is ostensibly defensive but furtively aggressive. I have been such a player since I was seven, and the way I show my swordsmanship is spinning the ball. I use spins to defend my opponent's attack and keep the ball alive, while giving him back both mine and his own force. The rapidly revolving ball floats irresistibly toward another side of the table with a blast of power. At the moment it reaches my opponent, all its accumulated power breaks out, and gives its catcher a death warrant.

I face the world just as I play Ping Pong: cope with sharp cutting edges with the most flexibility and bide my time to act.
Noob in writing   
Feb 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app Short Answer (cyber competition) [17]

thanks!
but i am a little afraid that the admission officers will not know what Starcraft is.. do I need to explain it?

i find my essay very mediocre and there remain a lot of things that I don't know how to express by writing a short answer.. i want to improve it but just don't know how
Noob in writing   
Feb 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app Short Answer (cyber competition) [17]

sorry about that..

prompt: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

it actually exceeds the word limitation like 30 words..
Noob in writing   
Feb 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app Short Answer (cyber competition) [17]

I am an international student from a Country whose language is a kind of hieroglyph, so I am conceivably bad at English. Help will be greatly appreciated.

here comes the thing:

"We have met before."

On the game channel of International Cyber Cup, the speaker of the sentence can be from any country in the world. I have played Starcraft for four years and I understand its value as an e-sport; it provides a platform for minds to compete in a cyberspace.

The developments at the beginning of the game are all identical: gathering minerals, building supplies and making defensive or offensive units. I put scout in a essential place of the war, as Sun Tzu said in his Art of War, "To know the enemy and know yourself, and you can fight a hundred battles with no danger of defeat." Finding the balance point of the game is important too, as I need to scout, counter-scout, harass and attack while keeping up my own economic development. As the war escalates, multitasking becomes increasingly harder, and even one minor mistake can spell the end of the game.

Playing Starcraft helps me to develop a sense of balance and increases my multitasking ability: I learn to balance between student activities and academic studies, getting different tasks done orderly in real life.
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