Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by annieyeah
Joined: Jun 12, 2013
Last Post: Jun 17, 2013
Threads: 1
Posts: 9  
From: USA

Displayed posts: 10
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annieyeah   
Jun 17, 2013
Student Talk / How do you answer questions from a job interview. [10]

As cliche as it is (apologies...) be yourself.

You don't want to sound stiff, snobby, or like you are trying too hard, so just speak as you would normally.
Of course, know that you're speaking to someone that might get you a job, so don't use slang or anything like that, but don't try too hard...

"Tell me about yourself"
"I am a student at ___ school and I aspire to rectify the issues precipitated by the prevalence of social media."

NO
Don't do anything like that
Well, "aspire" and "prevalence" are not that bad, but when you can just say "facebook" or "twitter" don't say "social media."

Yeah, so get to the point, don't try to impress them. Impress them with your personality/skills, not your wordiness/talk/fluff.
annieyeah   
Jun 17, 2013
Undergraduate / Freedom is not free; Why do you want to attend a service academy (nomination prompt) [4]

I read the first draft and now this one. It's better, more personal than the first one, but still so bland and vague!

Why do YOU want to attend a service academy? Ok, the free tuition and guaranteed job is great, but everyone wants that. Why do you want to attend a service academy and serve your country? Why serve the country?

Maybe you should talk more about your uncle and the JROTC experience. Be specific. I could have been in JROTC too. Did you start out unable to do five good pushups but your teachers pushed you to become better? Or something like that.

Also, why your uncle? I'm sure other people also have relatives in the military/navy/marines/serving the government. Did you uncle tell you stories? Was he a "cool uncle"? Was he your superhero role model when you were younger? As opposed to the firefighter, policeman, superman, etc.

Keep digging deeper for why YOU want to serve the country. Good luck!
annieyeah   
Jun 17, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS ; We are getting more and more greedy & selfish; Should we go back to the past? [6]

I agree with jkjeremy, just use simpler English.

Your grammar here and there is not great, it's mostly verb tenses and verb/noun agreements and stuff like that...
Almost as if you put it in google translate...
English is not an easy language with no good rules, I must admit!
Focus on correcting the grammar, then use sophisticated vocab.

The ideas of your essay are good: that we should not daydream to the past but improve society.
annieyeah   
Jun 17, 2013
Undergraduate / Study Abroad/Gain Exposure of new culture; CU Boulder/ Diversity [9]

I like the beginning paragraph, but it doesn't tie in to the second.

More specific examples of meeting with the diverse kids in your class would be nice, but more importantly, how will YOU bring diversity to UC Boulder? Talk about being half Japanese/half Caucasian, since you haven't.

Also like what ^jeremy said, make sure you answer the prompt: Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive

community
, and what are your hopes for your college experience?"

actually, well your second paragraph sorta talks about what you want from your college experience. So vague though, just meeting new people and meeting new professors that will give you new knowledge. What knowledge? What new people?

I don't know how to answer those questions, but maybe you can research more about UC Boulder to say something specific? Like...meet people from different economic backgrounds to understand why and how they are impoverished? Maybe UC Boulder is generous in financial aid or something, idk.

You have admirable goals! Good luck.
annieyeah   
Jun 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Airport- Childhood to Adulthood / Accomplishment or Event [3]

This time I was alone, and anxious about navigating the notoriously chaotic and confusing LAX (I'm still not entirely sure what the "X" stands for, though it does make it sound rather ominous) . Finally I turned myself around and walked into the sliding glass doors, sealing my fate for the next seven hours.

I was thinking about the funny way that Matt had walked in and out of my life as I walked down to my departure gate, 11A. Thankfully the signs were blatantly clear.

split those sentences up/helps with clarity

This is pretty good! I like the story and the ending. It's a good tie in to how life is going to be. You can probably write a little less about finding your way and more about how Matt helped you. It's good that you include details about yourself like that you have sweaty palm disease and that you have a twin.
annieyeah   
Jun 12, 2013
Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

Read a lot. Exactly that, even though it's vague, that's what you do. Read magazines, editorials. News articles. Classic novels.
Read speeches, like those of JFK, Martin Luther King Jr., etc. I'm sure there are lists of like, "10 greatest speeches" and things like that. Read them, analyze them. What parts were good? Why is it good?

Before you develop your own style of writing, figure out who you want to write like, then just copy them. It's like how painters copy the masters first; you become good by copying who is already good.

About content:
Elaborate on things. Ask yourself "why?" or "so what?"
Don't be shallow on topics. Stay focused.

I hope I helped some, good luck!
annieyeah   
Jun 12, 2013
Undergraduate / "Days to germination: 7-10."; Essay about failure/ growing tomatoes [3]

This is an essay I'm writing for college applications; I'm going to use it for topics concerning failure or an event that has shaped you, etc. Hopefully I will be able to modify it easily. Please criticize it all! Everything! Especially the ending, anything I need to wrap up better.

"Days to germination: 7-10." I lifted up the plastic wrap and inspected the surface of the soil, trying to find the elusive seedlings. None were present, so I gave the pot a little sprinkle of water, put the plastic wrap back, and hoped that tomorrow would bring sprouts. The next day there was nothing, as expected. I checked the next day. And the day after. And the day after that. By the seventh day, I had been carefully watering and watching pots of dirt in vain, and there were still no sprouts! I had failed in starting tomato seeds, again. I had also failed in germinating chive seeds, pepper seeds, and lavender seeds; they also sat on the windowsill.

This was disappointing, but not entirely unexpected. Every year I imagine having rows of squash, baskets of zucchini, and clusters of tomatoes. I plant seeds early to harvest early, every year. Unfortunately, my desires and those of the seeds just never match. I have been trying to grow seeds in conditions too cold or too wet. After almost giving up gardening altogether in despair, I decided I was going to grow those tomatoes. I was determined to make them grow. I consulted my grandparents, who could grow anything. I searched the web for seed-starting tips. I planted some more seeds. I waited. Most importantly, I persisted and waited. Lo and behold, after a week and a half there were sprouts poking through the soil. After the seeds awakened from their suspended state, it only took water and time for the plants to grow big and form tomatoes.

These brushes with the tricky process of germination have taught me a few things about failure and patience. Failure is fine, as long as one stays determined. Nature doesn't drop thousands of acorns expecting all of them to grow into stately oak trees; some are bound to get eaten by squirrels. If I had set all my things down and gave up on starting more seeds, I would definitely have a 0% germination rate. However, I didn't, and set some seeds anyway after failing the first time, and grew a few sprouts. I often think everything else should come to me as easily as academic concepts, but this mentality makes me want to quit other things just because I fail. However, when I remember that determination was required to start the seeds, I persevere and face my challenges.

In addition, failure is like a chisel. It shapes our actions. If you want to figure out how to do something the right way, just figure out what fails. The first seeds didn't do so well at first because they were too wet, or too dry, or too cold. However, after failing many times and assessing what could have gone wrong, I successfully started some seeds. I don't know exactly the perfect formula, but I at least know what not to do.

I also learned the importance of patience. Half the reason I was disappointed by my plants was that I checked them too early. Once I forgot about the seeds and gave them time, they sprouted. Similarly in life, a little patience can help one weather things out. The Spanish-American War started unnecessarily because a telegram didn't arrive fast enough, even though it contained the desired response. Perhaps if McKinley had waited just a day more or set the deadline a little later, there would have been a better outcome.

Even now, I don't have 100% success with starting seeds, but I have learned to embrace failure and to have patience. I can't have total control over some things; I just have to give up my control and to be more flexible with whatever happens, even if it results in discovering worms in my pepper seeds.
annieyeah   
Jun 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / Social networks create more harm than good to teenagers. What are your views ? [11]

It's a bit fragmented. You need to start with a strong topic sentence/thesis so that your opinion is obvious from the start. I couldn't tell what your perspective was until the last sentence.

Perhaps you should redo the paragraphs. Like put all the advantages in one paragraph, and all the disadvantages in another.
annieyeah   
Jun 12, 2013
Undergraduate / Minor in music from NYU/ Electrical and computer engineering ; Why NYU Poly?/Major? [5]

Why is engineering interesting to you? Why is it useful?
I think you should dig a little deeper. You are applying to NYU Poly for engineering already, so they can assume you are interested in it. Why a minor in music?

From what I've read here and there it seems that colleges always want to know "why" so maybe if you ask yourself "why" on everything it will help.
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