IntheClouds
Jun 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Essay B # 3- CU Boulder - 'Pay check to pay check is how I have lived' [5]
I strongly second everything that jkjeremy said.
I strongly second everything that jkjeremy said.
IntheClouds
Jun 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / Now a days technologies have became a very important aspect of everybodys lives! [4]
Now a daysNowadaysThese days technologies have became a very important aspect of everybodyseverybody's lives.
"Now a days" should be spelled "nowadays," but is a word that is no longer used frequently by native speakers of English. "These days" sounds more natural to a native speaker. "Everybody's" takes a possesive form rather than a plural form, and therefore an apostrophe is needed.
The term "nowadays" is redundant and unnecessary. Also, I would like to clarify the difference between "learning" information and "accessing" information. When you learn a piece of information you are taking a piece of information and commiting it to memory. When you are accessing information you are retrieving a piece of information. This means you may be viewing this information on a screen or you may be retrieving it from a memory of a piece of information that you have already learned. Judging from the context of what you wrote, I suspect that your usage of the term "learn" is correct.
Also he canThey can also[/b ]view the live telecast [b]live telecasts of cricket matches from any part of the world. HeThey can also download movies, music and audio files with fast downoad speed.
I changed "the live telecast" to "live telecasts" because I assume there is more than one telecast. I am however not familiar with sports. If there is in fact only one telecast, then you should keep the phrase as you originally wrote it.
For example, in old daysIn the old days, for example, students havehad to do their college assignments in laboartorylaboratory because there were no perconnalpersonal computers andor internet connections.
"Now a days" should be spelled "nowadays," but is a word that is no longer used frequently by native speakers of English. "These days" sounds more natural to a native speaker. "Everybody's" takes a possesive form rather than a plural form, and therefore an apostrophe is needed.
These are the things we are using in our day todayto daylifelives like cell phones,computers,laptops.
Some belivebelieve that with the help of technologies students now a days can learn more information and learn it more quickly; others would disagree.
The term "nowadays" is redundant and unnecessary. Also, I would like to clarify the difference between "learning" information and "accessing" information. When you learn a piece of information you are taking a piece of information and commiting it to memory. When you are accessing information you are retrieving a piece of information. This means you may be viewing this information on a screen or you may be retrieving it from a memory of a piece of information that you have already learned. Judging from the context of what you wrote, I suspect that your usage of the term "learn" is correct.
By using laptops with internet connectionconnectionsuserusers can send emails easily and quickly.
I changed "the live telecast" to "live telecasts" because I assume there is more than one telecast. I am however not familiar with sports. If there is in fact only one telecast, then you should keep the phrase as you originally wrote it.
Now with the adavncementadvancement of technology students can do their practical asignments from cyber cafecafes or from laptoplaptops.
They can send the completed assignments through email to the professor. theyThey can also attend the online lectures of the professor from home without attending college or school campus. Sometimes they can also download pdf file format books from the internet without having to pay money. It saves lot of time to go schoolGoing to school online saves a lot of time and theystudents will not be tired byfrom travelling. It mademakes their life simple.
IntheClouds
Jun 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Essay B # 3- CU Boulder - 'Pay check to pay check is how I have lived' [5]
Grammar Comments:
The comma should be taken out after the word "unfortunately."
At four years oldWhen I was four years old my mother made the best decision for her family; she left my father and continued a single life with her two kids ages 4 and 5 in Vernal, Utah.
The original sentence makes it sound as if your mother was four years old when she made this decision.
The comma after the word "and" should be taken out.
This sentence should be rearranged. Consider the following: "My junior year of high school was not my strongest year. I found that at this time I had become flustered with all of the mistakes that I had made." In my rewrite I broke the sentence into two for clarity and I took out information that may be irrelevant. (You will have to decide for yourself what is and isn't relevant, as it is impossible for me to know the circumstances of the situation.)
Colleges usually want to get a good taste of who their applicants are. Can you elaborate on this by describing the person that you want to be? I would also consider changing the tense of this sentence. You could, for xeample, write it like this: "I found out who I am as well as who I want to be."
Here it would be best to present specific example of situations where you have displayed motivation and determination. Everyone wants to be successful, and anyone can say that they are motivated and determined. Your job as a writer is to prove (through specific examples) that you have these qualities.
Content comments:
Be sure to read the prompt carefully and address the prompt clearly. As a refresher, here's what the prompt says:
Your first sentence is adequate as it addresses something that may have affected you academic record and may be considered an adversity that you've had to overcome.
The rest of the paragraph has some information that may be useful but it is incomplete. The most important information that I gained from these sentences is that your mom was a low-income teen-mom who had to make the choice to leave your dad when you were a young child. No one in your family has ever gone to college. This has affected you and your academics in many ways.
It important that you elaborate by explaining how specifically this has affected you and your academics.
Describe the mistakes that you have made and how you overcame them. By explaining how yu overcame your mistakes, it is likely that you will also be offering "proof" of your motivation and determination. Also how did overcoming these challenges (the mistakes you made) lead you to a better understanfing of who you want to be?
General Comment:
Remember that you goal is to demonstrate to the college that you have the skills and attitude that is necessary to succeed in college. It is important to be honest and open about your mistakes, but it is also important to highlight you strengths. If you write about specific examples of situations where your motivation and determination has allowed you to succeed, then you will be showing the college that you are applying to that you have a good attitude and that you can handle challenging situations.
Grammar Comments:
My mother at 17 unfortunately, wasn't writing college essays; she was writing checks for diapers at the local grocery store.
The comma should be taken out after the word "unfortunately."
The original sentence makes it sound as if your mother was four years old when she made this decision.
It took the hard way to figure out school, and how important it really was.
The comma after the word "and" should be taken out.
My junior year of high school was not my strongest year, continuing into the summer of 2013 where I found myself flustered with all the mistakes I had made.
This sentence should be rearranged. Consider the following: "My junior year of high school was not my strongest year. I found that at this time I had become flustered with all of the mistakes that I had made." In my rewrite I broke the sentence into two for clarity and I took out information that may be irrelevant. (You will have to decide for yourself what is and isn't relevant, as it is impossible for me to know the circumstances of the situation.)
I found out who I was as well as who the person I wanted to be was.
Colleges usually want to get a good taste of who their applicants are. Can you elaborate on this by describing the person that you want to be? I would also consider changing the tense of this sentence. You could, for xeample, write it like this: "I found out who I am as well as who I want to be."
I want to be successful in my life, and I feel that with my motivation and determination I would be great addition to the CU community in Boulder, Colorado.
Here it would be best to present specific example of situations where you have displayed motivation and determination. Everyone wants to be successful, and anyone can say that they are motivated and determined. Your job as a writer is to prove (through specific examples) that you have these qualities.
Content comments:
Be sure to read the prompt carefully and address the prompt clearly. As a refresher, here's what the prompt says:
Discuss any events or special circumstances that have affected your academic record, as well as any adversities you have over come.
Your first sentence is adequate as it addresses something that may have affected you academic record and may be considered an adversity that you've had to overcome.
The rest of the paragraph has some information that may be useful but it is incomplete. The most important information that I gained from these sentences is that your mom was a low-income teen-mom who had to make the choice to leave your dad when you were a young child. No one in your family has ever gone to college. This has affected you and your academics in many ways.
It important that you elaborate by explaining how specifically this has affected you and your academics.
My junior year of high school was not my strongest year, continuing into the summer of 2013 where I found myself flustered with all the mistakes I had made.
Describe the mistakes that you have made and how you overcame them. By explaining how yu overcame your mistakes, it is likely that you will also be offering "proof" of your motivation and determination. Also how did overcoming these challenges (the mistakes you made) lead you to a better understanfing of who you want to be?
General Comment:
Remember that you goal is to demonstrate to the college that you have the skills and attitude that is necessary to succeed in college. It is important to be honest and open about your mistakes, but it is also important to highlight you strengths. If you write about specific examples of situations where your motivation and determination has allowed you to succeed, then you will be showing the college that you are applying to that you have a good attitude and that you can handle challenging situations.
IntheClouds
Jun 26, 2013
Undergraduate / I've dreamed of working in the medical field and caring for people [5]
Every Ever since the sixth grade, I've dreamed dreamt of working in the medical field and caring for people.
"Dreamed" and "dreamt" can be used interchangeably, but my personal preference is for dreamt. (You, of course, may use whichever term you wish).
Despite Dumi's correction, I believe that your original use of "I've" rather than just "I" is correct and that it is best not to change it.
Saying that someone "passed away" has a more positive connotation than "was deceased."
Also, the statement is unclear. One interpretation is the one that Dumi offered that states that "She too was a registered nurse." This statement indicates that your Aunt, like you, is a registered nurse. Since this appears to be an application for nursing school, I suspect that you are not a nurse yet and that this statement would therefore be inaccurate. I would consider re-writing the entire sentence to say "My Aunt was a registered nurse, but sadly she passed away in January 2012."
"Dreamed" and "dreamt" can be used interchangeably, but my personal preference is for dreamt. (You, of course, may use whichever term you wish).
Despite Dumi's correction, I believe that your original use of "I've" rather than just "I" is correct and that it is best not to change it.
This ultimate drive ledhas ultimately driven me to pursepursue a career in nursing.
I recently cared for my aunt who had numerous strokes and was disabledisabled.
She was also a registered nurse and was deceasedpassed away January 2012.
Saying that someone "passed away" has a more positive connotation than "was deceased."
Also, the statement is unclear. One interpretation is the one that Dumi offered that states that "She too was a registered nurse." This statement indicates that your Aunt, like you, is a registered nurse. Since this appears to be an application for nursing school, I suspect that you are not a nurse yet and that this statement would therefore be inaccurate. I would consider re-writing the entire sentence to say "My Aunt was a registered nurse, but sadly she passed away in January 2012."
My goal is to graduate from the University of South Alabama, and work at the Biloxi Medical Regional Center as a postpardumpostpartum nurse.
IntheClouds
Jun 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1:Letter to inform a friend about his accomodation [6]
No problem... it happens to the best of us :)
No problem... it happens to the best of us :)
IntheClouds
Jun 26, 2013
Letters / IETLTS; Letter to the shop complaining about a defected radio [5]
The term "complain" in this sentence is grammatically incorrect. Any word that follows an article such as "a" or "the" should be a noun. The word "complain," however, is a verb. "Complain" should be replaced with the noun form of the word.
I agree with dumi that the serial number, reciept, and date should be included with this imformation. Also, the term "however" does not make sense in this context and it should not be used.
The sentence should be re-written as "To get a solutionof to this problem I contacted in your shop and explain explained the problem to one of the staffs staff." Keep in mind that although the term "staff" (in most cases) is a singular noun, it refers to a group of people. Also keep in mind that although it is considered correct to use the term "staff" as I use it, there may (or may not) be some places where it is acceptable to use the term "staffs" as you used it.
As I mentioned earlier, although the term "staff" is a singular noun, it refers to a group of people. As a reader it sounds to me as if several people took it back. I'm not sure whether or not this is intentional. Did one person take the radio back? Or did several people take the radio back? If only one person took the radio back than you should clarify that only one staff member took the radio back.
Also, although the phrase "still it is not ready" has no errors whatsoever, the phrase that most (but perhaps not all) native english speakers would use is "it is still not ready." (If it were conversational English the phrase would be "it's still not ready," but because this is a formal letter the contraction "it's" would not be very appropriate). It is up to you which variation of the phrase you would like to use, as they are all technically correct.
In addition to the corrections noted, this sentence should either be broken into two sentences or made into a compound sentence. It should also have a question mark at the end. However, if you take out the words "could you" the statement will be imperative (give a request) rather than interrogative (ask a question) and the sentence would then need to end with a period.
Finally I want to say that please repair the radio as soon as possible or replace the previous radio with a new one and send me back in myit to the address that I already provided in your shop's register book.
It's redundant and excessive (in my opinion) to begin the last sentence with "Finally I want to say." With formal letters especially, it's best to be as short and concise as possible.
That is all... I hope my comments make sense.
Greetings. My name is CM and I am from S. I am writing you this letter to let you know a complain about the service of your shop.
The term "complain" in this sentence is grammatically incorrect. Any word that follows an article such as "a" or "the" should be a noun. The word "complain," however, is a verb. "Complain" should be replaced with the noun form of the word.
However, I bought a radio from a local branch of your chain shops but the sound of the radio was not clear at all as it seems there are some problems in the sound boxes.
I agree with dumi that the serial number, reciept, and date should be included with this imformation. Also, the term "however" does not make sense in this context and it should not be used.
To get a solution of this problem I contacted in your shop and explain the problem to one of the staffs.
The sentence should be re-written as "To get a solution
The staff took it back and said that they would repair it soon but I have waited a week and still it is not ready.
As I mentioned earlier, although the term "staff" is a singular noun, it refers to a group of people. As a reader it sounds to me as if several people took it back. I'm not sure whether or not this is intentional. Did one person take the radio back? Or did several people take the radio back? If only one person took the radio back than you should clarify that only one staff member took the radio back.
Also, although the phrase "still it is not ready" has no errors whatsoever, the phrase that most (but perhaps not all) native english speakers would use is "it is still not ready." (If it were conversational English the phrase would be "it's still not ready," but because this is a formal letter the contraction "it's" would not be very appropriate). It is up to you which variation of the phrase you would like to use, as they are all technically correct.
I already called in the shop 3 times and visited once.
And now I am very much disappointed onin the services of your shop.
Whatsoever, now could you please give me an explanation as to why this delay is happening also let me inform me how long it will take to get it back from the shop.
In addition to the corrections noted, this sentence should either be broken into two sentences or made into a compound sentence. It should also have a question mark at the end. However, if you take out the words "could you" the statement will be imperative (give a request) rather than interrogative (ask a question) and the sentence would then need to end with a period.
It's redundant and excessive (in my opinion) to begin the last sentence with "Finally I want to say." With formal letters especially, it's best to be as short and concise as possible.
That is all... I hope my comments make sense.
IntheClouds
Jun 25, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1:Letter to inform a friend about his accomodation [6]
It should say "We decided to let our parents come over next month to take over for our nanny, who will be away for weeks to attend her sister's wedding."
It should say "My wife has heard so much about you and she would love to meet you."
We decided to let our parents come over next month to take over our nanny, who will be away for weeks to attend her sister's wedding.
It should say "We decided to let our parents come over next month to take over for our nanny, who will be away for weeks to attend her sister's wedding."
My wife have heard so much about you and she would love to meet you.
It should say "My wife has heard so much about you and she would love to meet you."
IntheClouds
Jun 25, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; Internet Usage in Taiwan during 3 years from 1998 [6]
Prepositional phrases generally consist of a preposition followed by a noun. I would consider revising "of using the internet" so that a noun comes directly after the preposition.
As gmad06 mentioned, the linking verb should be plural. In addition, I would clarify what "approximately 53%" refers to. What do approximately 53% of 16-30 year olds do?
An "increase" of what? As a reader, it is not clear to me what there is an increase of.
Again, I would suggest clarifying what there was an "increase" of, although you probably will not need to make this clarification here if you do it earlier.
In contrast with who? I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.
This par chart shows the rates of using the internet
Prepositional phrases generally consist of a preposition followed by a noun. I would consider revising "of using the internet" so that a noun comes directly after the preposition.
It is clear that the highest number of users was the
young people aged between 16-30 years old with approximately 53% in 1998.
young people aged between 16-30 years old with approximately 53% in 1998.
As gmad06 mentioned, the linking verb should be plural. In addition, I would clarify what "approximately 53%" refers to. What do approximately 53% of 16-30 year olds do?
In addition, there was an increase for users aged between 31-51 years old with around 40% while this rate fell to 37% in 2000.
An "increase" of what? As a reader, it is not clear to me what there is an increase of.
To sum up, there was a similar increase for children and older users from years 1999 to 2000.
Again, I would suggest clarifying what there was an "increase" of, although you probably will not need to make this clarification here if you do it earlier.
In contrast with the number of young users decreased significantly among three years.
In contrast with who? I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.
