Undergraduate / 'trauma patient emergency care' - Supplement essay medical school [17]

This incident left me thinking about the fleeting nature of life and how only when one tightropes the thin line of life and death does one truly appreciates the precious gift of life. This unique experience has given me a greater admiration for the art of the surgeon and fostered my interest in pursuing this medical field of study.

^All of that does not quite fit in with the question.
You are being asked 'Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome'

^The stuff that I have copied and pasted is basically your personal commentary and opinions on the whole thing. Whilst the general content of your essay can tie in with a unique experience, or an obstacle that was overcome, the rest does not.

*If you want, you can omit those sentences and further describe any emotions you had at the time to operate effectively at that point in time, or something along those lines in which makes the readers think that you overcame an obstacle. Alternatively, you can perhaps develop the final part of your essay and describe what truly made this experience unique, which I guess would be the call of duty to a man whose eye had been shot and whose life was in question.

Undergraduate / "My Mom" - help with most influential person essay. [9]

Though there are many people who influenced my values in my life, I believe there is one person who showed me a lot more than the rest and this lovely lady is my Mom.

^
It is quite unnecessarily verbose. You can reduce it, and get straight to the point. Naturally, there are many people who are influential. However, since you are only focusing on one, it is best to just focus on that one person, which in this case is your mother.

'The one person who has truly influenced my values in my life is my Mother'.
^Naturally, you can rephrase it so it can become a more powerful sentence. However, the point I am making is that perhaps the better approach would be to just get straight to the point, rather than distract the reader with unnecesary information that does not describe a setting or anything; 'though there are many...' is all quite superfluous.

My mom has taught me to strive for whatever it is that I want, but with wanting something comes a price. She has showedshown me that if I want to succeed in anything , the I will have to put my all (all? try and come up with a better vocab word to express yourself and what you feel you must put in) into it and put in the extra time to make sure it is being done to its fullest extent. (I personally think that this part could use some revision)

Another important valuethat she has taught me is that if you areI am going to start something then you will Have to finish it I have to complete it.

This value (I am not sure if it is a value as much as it is a lesson) plays a big part in my life and motivates me with my tasks. It is what helped me stay in football my junior year, and made it so I could continue playing up until now, my senior year. ] motivated me to continue football from my junior years right until my senior years.

You can perhaps discuss what you have learnt from your mother, and develop why these lessons are important to you. You can perhaps discuss your mother in more detail, perhaps add life to her character in your essay, which in turn can allow you to make her appear as powerful in your essay as you believe she is in real life.

I am planning on doing this essay myself. My approach is to describe the influence that the person has had on me in terms of my attitude and mental approach to situations.

I guess the advice on this essay topic can vary. It will be interesting to see what other people think. I have already noted Simone's advice :)

Undergraduate / Imagine a life entirely different from the one you now lead, what would it be? [6]

You do not address the question. You do not talk about a different life from the one you are currently living. Rather you discuss your interests.

A wrong approach, as you do not answer the question.
I would have offered some input in regards to some grammatical errors you have made, however it will be useless seeing as how you did not even answer the question and you need to redraft your entire essay.

Scholarship / 'Bournemouth University has one of the most advance educations in the world' - BU scholarship essay [31]

'BU has one of the most advanced educations in the world. BU's NCCA has the tie-ups with leading companies in the games industry, including Codemasters, Lionhead Studios and Rare. The University's major partners in the film industry include Framestore CFC and Dreamworks. Hence BU's program would be a great environment in which to build upon my previous knowledge, take my creativity to the next level, and to hone my ideas and abilities both conceptually and aesthetically.'

^In my opinion, well phrased and well written. However, whilst pleasing to BU, you are applying for a scholarship and the first two sentences does show some superficiality. How is BU one of the most advanced? What allows you to consider BU's education to be more 'advanced' than any other University in your area? Also, if it is only 'one of the most', why are you not considering the most 'advanced education'.

'My academic career has proceeded in the best possible way so far. I passed out from one of the finest schools in the city, Modern Indian School. As a culmination of my efforts, I qualified for admission into the prestigious Maharashtra Institute of Technology affiliated to Pune University, India. In my undergraduate studies, I have benefited from the breadth of Pune University's syllabi content that has given me a comprehension exposure and a strong conceptual understanding of computer science.'

^a comprehensive exposure.
Once again, how is Maharashtra Ins of Tech prestigious? In what regard? If I was to go by the typical, 'O it is so selective and very academic, and therefore has a great name and therefore offers a great education and a great job later on' approach, I would say that IIT is the prestigious University of India and completely disregard your statement of Maha..In Tec of being prestigious. It is best to just remove the word. It results in too many complications.

-So what if it is affiliated with Pune University.
-You did not talk about how you 'achieved an exemplary standard in your studies.'

'I have got all my academic knowledge from English medium institutes. English has been a part of my studies since I began learning. I have also given the IELTS test where I got a good result.

^Remove the first sentence.
-Secondly, what is a 'good result.' To some, 50 percent is an acceptable score. To those who are more focused on academics, nothing short of 95 percent may be acceptable...

4. professional experience to date and your career aspirations.
5. how would u bring an exciting and valuable global perspective to your course at BU.
6. Outstanding achievements in the face of adversity and personal achievements.
7. what motivates you?
8. service to community or charitable work.
9. your intentions upon returning your home country.

The technology motivates me to gain more knowledge so that I could utilize my skills to the growth of digital industry in my country. I wish to see Nepal following the latest technologies.

^Is this for point 9. You could have at least informed us or structured it properly so that we can understand your chronology. If it for point 4, then it does not address the topic.

I have served as a volunteerin Nepal Children's Organization, a child orphanage. My work involved organizing various events like spelling contest, quiz contest and other co-curricular activities. I have also taught English to kindergarten children.

^Just say 'volunteered at Nepals...'
-make the 'contest' in plural form.

these are the paragraphs for no. 3, 7, 8 and 9. these are written in very simple language. I'll be writing for no.4, 5 and 6 as well.'
^Ah so now you mention it.

Do you have to reply in choronological order? In that case, which one is which?
Why dont you number them, so that it is easier for us to see how well on track you are.

'As I belong to a different country, my creative qualities would reflect my background. (Plz elaborate this for no. 5)'
^No. Why dont you come up with something and then ask for some input.
We can not write something for you, because we do not know what you intend to say.
Why dont you finish up first?

Undergraduate / "I want to attend Chapel" - provide advice on how I can better my essay. [5]

I released my white-knuckle handhold, threw my arms high above my head, and waited, praying silently, for my savior to catch my wrists.
^^'Praying' is not gramatically parallel with the other tenses in the sentence.

'The two-hour session would include a beginner-friendly position that would eventually be caught by a professional catcher'
^What is caught??

It sounded perfectly terrifying
^ahhhh is that a juxtaposition I see.

'rather, the gymnast moves and performs difficult tricks around the stationary bar roughly eight feet above the ground'
^It is after a semicolon, so you can omit 'rather'.

'The trapeze, however, required both the bar and the acrobat to move, and, to maximize the fear factor, was positioned three times higher than a set of gymnastics bars. '

^Did it require only at that time, or does it still require?

Simply the sight of the trapeze bar from the ground was enough to set my legs to trembling - how was I going to accomplish anything off the ground?'

^my legs to tremble?'

'I heard my cue - and hopped from the platform, swinging into motion.'
^and swung

'curiosity, my thirst to experience, overwhelmed me, and now I crave to experience everything that Carolina has to offer.'
^my thirst for experience overwhelmed me ( You do not need a comma after 'experience'

and now I crave to experience everything that Carolina has to offer.
^You can remove 'and', and allow it to become a new sentence.
Furthermore, do you want to experience everything that Chapel Hill has to offer, or what the state of Carolina has to offer?

*This is a good piece. However, you can perhaps develop the reasons to attending Chapel Hill a bit more. You narrated everything quite well, and suddenly you link it to Chapel Hill and then end it in a matter of a sentence.

Undergraduate / The direction I want to take my education; UWashington Bothell - PS/software systems [8]

When i was a kid and landed my first job, i chose to save up and buy a computer before even buying a car.
^The pronoun 'I', is always in capital letters.

For most of my life, i was a video game connoisseur. My favorite game (warcraft 3) introduced me to programming my own video games and playing them with fellow gamers over the internet.

One of my games had a following of kids who loved to play it. Ever since then, I've been dreaming of building bigger games.

^Good.

Not long ago i made a living drilling oil. It was a lucrative and challenging profession.
^Was it a job or a project?

However, i couldn't stop thinking about my dream of going back to school for computer science. So I gave up that life, moved back to Seattle, and decided that no matter what it took, I would get my degree and do exactly what i had always wanted to do with my life.

Currently, I'm interested in developing games in XNA, and was excited to hear that Proffessor Sung is an active advocate of XNA.
^mispelt Professor.

One of my friends is a developer at Big Fish Games. He has been my window into the games industry and i really like what i see. The opportunities seem boundless for individuals who are willing to apply themselves.

^If you really want, you can insert some statement here on how you wish to apply yourself, particularly at the Software program, and how you wish to apply whatever you have learnt later on in the world of softwares, or gaming...

But my interest extends beyond just games. I am enthralled by the explosion of information technology that's transforming our society.

I can't wait to see where things are headed in terms of artificial intelligence, voice and image recognition and high end graphics.
^I can not wait to see how things are heading in terms of...

I found the introductory CS courses very enjoyable. Writing code comes naturally for me. Even the more complicated issues like recursive back tracking and abstract classes have been easy for me to grasp and work with.

^Easy may not be the appropriate adjective. You do not admit that the courses are easy, because that can imply that you think you are too good for the courses, even if they are introductory.

However, I have run into a bump in the road. Time pressure exams are really difficult for me, due to slow handwriting and an ingrained habit of double checking my work.

^Time 'pressured'
due to 'my slow handwriting'.

But I plan to overcome this obstacle like any other, with hard work. I have recently begun training myself to write fast, and I plan to give myself multiple timed tests before each exam.

After meeting with Advisors from the University of Washington Bothell I have decided that The Bachelors of Science in Computing and Software Systems is definitely the direction I want to take my education. I want to enter the applied computing major first, and then transfer to Computing and Software Systems once I've finished my second Calculus course. Thank you for your time and consideration.

^Good essay. You seem interested in the course. You have more space to further display your interest, and perhaps how you plan on using these interests in the near future.

Writing Feedback / "Going overseas for the university" essay [7]

To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

One of the matters of concern worth discussing is studying abroad or studying at home.
^Not quite feeling the introduction..

To be more precise, a number of people come up with a claim that although studying at the university overseas is an exciting prospect for many people, yet it is better to say at home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a different culture.

^Your grammar needs some revision. I think you tried to hard to repeat the title in your opening paragraph. You should try and write something original, rather than type next to every single word in the title in your introduction. It reflects poorly on your creativity and writing style.

It appears rather hard to choose whether completely support such an opinion.
^
What are you trying to say?!?!

With reference to the advocates of the view above there are several justifications worth taking into account.
^In reference..
This is another rather poorly structured sentence.

It can be reasonable to claim that when you enter a country to study you will face many problems of living and studying,
^There is no need for a comma. Instead, use a full stop.

according to some reliable statistics many students are so shock of culture that get stressed for a long time.
^so 'shocked'.
-What reliable statistics are these? These could be subjective opinions of people expressed in the form of numbers. This does not make it, a reliable statistic.

-From your sentence, I am inferring that people are so shocked of a culture that it causes stress. It is almost as if you are saying that people become stressed out because they are so shocked of a new 'culture'. Are you trying to imply that people are find it difficult to mentally accept other cultures?

*Or, do you actually want to say that people find it difficult to adapt to a new culture, which becomes stressful for them?

One further point is that the way study in the new university is totally different with what having been learnt in the past so students must strive very hard to survive in exams, this matter will make students feel tired and have negative attitude to their study.

^One further point?? Remove and change it.
-totally different. Like, totally, duuuuuuude? Try and find a more appropriate expression.
^Your first clause seriously needs some revision. Seperate the two clauses with a full stop rather than a comma.
-students will have 'A' negative attitude, or 'NEGATIVE ATTITUDES' to their study.

Looking at the other side, all the same, those against such an opinion have their own reasons. It also proves to be convincing to believe that difficulties in living and studying can be overcome.

^You can start off with, 'On the other hand', and remove 'all the same' as it is unnecessary.
-What proves???

One of the main arguments for such a view is that culture can be learnt from many available sources such as on the internet, books, etc before one person goes to study abroad;

^'a culture', or 'cultures'.
-remove 'on'.
-before 'a' person goes to study abroad.
^I am not sure if you are learning about a culture as much as you are researching it. I thought culture is best learnt through first hand experience...My opinion at least.

moreover it is it can be generally admitted that at universities there are many pre- classes helping students get acquainted with the style of study.

^it is it??
^Are you talking about the University's culture. Or people's culture?

In conclusion, although not all people will be by my side, I still believe that studying abroad is a wonderful chance in one's life, difficulties in living and studying can be solved easily.

^Remove 'althought not all pepole will be by my side'.
remove 'still'.
Replace the comma ater 'one's life' with a semicolon.

Is this an application essay, or a school one?
If it is for the former, you may want to consider making it more personal rather than just generalizing.
If it is for school, then revise your grammar and your sentence structure. Also, if you need to evaluate, you did not do that great of a job. You just made points and then a conclusion. You never developed your points clearly enough to evaluate them...

I think work, needs to be done.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Newspapers will soon become a thing of the past [7]

Ahhhhhhhh right.

Letters / Cover Letter for internship with a Member of Parliament [5]

^I agree with Sean.

'I perceive an internship in Westminster to be an exciting and useful enrichment.'
^You should discuss what will make it exciting and enriching.

Perhaps you can go as far as to say how you believe and support the UK Labor's governmental policies and how an experience at the Labor Party ties in with your political beliefs, and this is why you would find it interesting and useful.

*If however, you advocate free markets and capitalism, like I do, then perhaps talking about the above mentioned point will be difficult. So then, you would have to LIE.

The moderators have given some sound advice to be honest! Use it.

Graduate / "Where there's a will there's a way" - help me revise the Statement of Purpose [5]

You are from Iran? Cheetori? Khobam?

That is as good as my Farsi gets.

Undergraduate / "experience or achievement in your life" - Untitled Personal Statement [7]

It all so seemed superficial to me. I always saw it as everything television had portrayed it to be. Stuck up snobs who somehow thought they were better than everyone else just because they did a few cartwheels and ran around yelling in synchronization. The first year the team caption asked me if I'd like to try out for the cheerleading squad I nearly laughed in her face.

I, who was shy in every way and opposed all things girly? Yea right, why would I even want to be associated with such a thing?

^I was shy and opposed these 'girly' things. (Shorter)
Why would I want to be associated with this?
^Shorter.
I'm not sure what changed my mind, but I tried out and I made it.
^Does this show uncertainty in character. Also, you present cheerleading as something you really did not like. To not have any idea as to why you just did it, kind of comes off as hypocritical. In my opinion at least.

Over the summer everyone that made the squad had to participate in a summer camp. During this camp my coach said something to me that really crushed my confidence. She said," XXX, you are the worst one out there". After she told me this it really turned my attitude around and I worked harder to master to this scrupulous sport.

Two years later my coach informed me that I was the new caption of the cheerleading squad.
^caption? OR CAPTAIN

This challenged me more than anything else because I was faced with something I feared, leadership.
^This frightened me because I feared leadership. (Shorter)

All of my life I was never the leader of anything I was just another head in the crowd.
All my life, I was never a leader. I was just another head in the crowd (shorter)

I never had to worry about what anyone did but myself.
^I am not feeling this sentence.

Because of this experience I now find it hard to submit myself in the background and not be the leader of an activity.
^A bit sudden.
Because of this experience, I always try to be the leader of an activity (its a shorter revision. Not sure if it ties in with what you were trying to say, but this confusion partly stems from the lack of clarity in the previous sentence.)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Newspapers will soon become a thing of the past [7]

The internet has been more and more popular for recent years, providing people with a huge source of information.
^become increasingly popular in and has provided people with huge sources of information.

As a result of this, print media such as newspapers have experienced a dramatic decline in the number of readers.
-Subsequently,
-print media such as newspapers and?? or just say newspapers. By saying print media such as, and then offering only one example, is quite ineffective.

-in IT'S number of readers.

Some people, however, still believe that they can exist for long time; others
^They? as in the people? We all want to believe we can exist for a long time....
Unless, you meant newspapers.

disagree, arguing that newspapers have lost their competitive advantage to sustain their prolonged existence.
^lost IT'S competitive advantage.

Personally, I am inclined to agree with the latter view for following reasons.
^FOR THE FOLLOWING

First of all, to obtain information, using the internet is quicker and more convenient than reading newspapers.
^You can start of with 'firstly'.
using the internet is comparitively much quicker and more convenient to reading newspapers.

Contrary to the past when people had to wait long hours to take a daily newspaper, nowadays, they can acquire latest news updated every second through their mobile phones or computers connected to the internet, everywhere and at anytime.

^Unlike the past when people,
nowadays they can acquire the latest news which is updated every second on mobile phones or Internet connected computers, everywhere as well as at anytime.

As can be seen, these devices and machines are very common in all parts of the world, making it easier for people to read a number of things that newspapers can not provide in only some pages.

^Not quite sure where you are heading with this point.

Hence, the print media has failed to keep its important role in the provision of information.

Another point is that, from the economic aspect, buying newspapers appears to be a waste of money when the internet becomes available for every one.

^A rather poor sentence, its rather unclear and poorly structured.
^Also, would buying newspapers be cheaper than running a computer and paying Internet bills?

It is clear to recognize that the internet service is being provided at a low cost or even free in many countries.
^Free internet..where? I swear I never knew countries did this!
Also, you can also start the sentence by saying 'clearly'.
Clearly internet services ARE being provided at low costs and are even free in many countries.

The question arises as to whether or not a person spends an extra money buying newspapers to receive the same, even usually less information than those he can have with the internet?

^Bad sentence.

The answer, perhaps, is that hardly would rational people do so.
^This is quite insulting to people who do prefer reading newspapers in comparison to reading the Internet on the news. People may not prefer using computers perhaps because they can not use it, it takes too long to download, or because its strainful for their eyes...

For this reason, the number of people reading newspapers may continue falling sharply, possibly leading to the close-downs of many in the coming time.
^Not necessarily.

Last, but not least, when taking environment into consideration, people must conceive that the more newspapers are published, the more trees are cut down. This is simply the contributor to the deforestation which is happening all over the world today. At this point, newspapers' production will have to face environmentalists on its way to be alive.

^as more newspapers are published, more trees are cut down.
This contributes to the deforestation which is happening on a global scale today.

In conclusion, it might be unpleasant for some advocating newspapers to witness the extinction of the type of media.
^What are you talking about??

However, this, if occurring, should be seen as a result of the ever- increasing innovations in media technology and in our modern life as a whole.

^Not that great of a conclusion.

I do not know if you are supposed to evaluate in this essay, but if you are, you dont seem to have evaluated at all.

You just present a one sided view, with no consideration of how the newspaper industry can actually prosper.

An essay that can be worked on. Definitely.

Undergraduate / "My Hidden Treasure" - University of Illinois Essay [9]

The famous author, Mark Twain once said, "There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life when he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure." I "dug up" Young Life in the summer of 2007, before I became a sophomore in high school.

^would it not be possibly to switch the two clauses around. Then 'I' can become the direct object as well..
(I am not sure if the correct word is direct object or subject...)

Growing up a catholic in Naperville, Illinois has taught me a lot of important values, but my recent participation in Young Life truly motivated me to put effort into becoming a man of respect and moral fortitude.

^You can omit 'growing up'.
-important values sounds a bit vague. Expand on these. Important values are debatable because they can differ from person to person.
-You can also remove the comma and the 'but', and start a new sentence., however then you would have to say 'has truly motivated'
-put *an effort
-of moral fortitude and worthy of respect.*

I really got to know my group leader, Rob Hankins, and truly got to know who my friends are during the Young Life summer camp last summer.

The greatest aspect of selflessness I learned at camp was that no one will ever understand their impact on others until "they walk in their shoes".

^walk in their own shoes or other people's? Not clear...

Tying things like parasailing and obstacle courses to learning about my relationship with god,
^Respect God. He deserves a capital letter.

and others made it easy for someone my age to realize the potential they have in becoming a part of today's society.
^revise this sentence.

However, there's more to Young Life than just camp, there's service projects and yard sales that the teenagers take part in as well as weekly meetings.

^Seperate the two clauses with a full stop rather than with a comma.

Throughout each school year, leaders get to know teenagers at a more personal level to get to know who we are and help us to mature both as Christians and simply adolescents.

^And get to know...*

Listening to thepersonal experiences from both people that I know and people that I have yet to really meet help me to appreciate what I am given and teaches me that even though I am one out of six billion people in the world, I have the ability to "dig up my own hidden treasure" be making an impact on the society and environment around me.

^Too long such that the sentence structure has become rather clumsy, therefore the meaning has become unclear.
Revise and rephrase it.

Suggestions?

Writing Feedback / "tip the waiter" essay - what have you learnt from a mistake? [9]

Should we tip the waiter?". "Okay.", he said.

Outside the restaurant, we (me and my 4 friends) were (...) by a child beggar.
^My four friends and I?

While none of them wanted to part with another rupee after the hundreds they had spent inside, I decided a rupee or ten wont harm me, and bought him biscuits.

^replace with 'SO I decided to buy'

Walking to the shop, I felt an instant desire to talk to the kid, who was no
taller than my feet, dressed in rags, the most natural wear of footwear.
^was he up to your shoe or something?
After 'talk to the kid', you can put a full stop, and then start the new sentence by saying that 'he was no taller...'
also, is he the most natural wear of footwear, or is he 'wearing it'.

We talked about his ill mother, dead father, his schooling, where he lived; I loved the innocense with which he replied. T
^spell innocence right.

here and then I decided I could help him, teach him, and I started imagining the methods I'll use to teach him, the practise of the english alphabet,

^Here and there??remove that man...
you started TO IMAGINE HOW I WILL TEACH HIM

teaching him tables, values of life, manners, in fact everything I know. It thrilled me.
^I understand that tables is what Indians refer to as Multiplication. However, other readers may think that you are going to literaly teach him about what tables are. Stick to the safe side and call it multiplication.

I never told him about it, but I knew I wanted to do it.

I didn't.
^What did you not do, because you talk about two things in the sentence above...

The guilt that followed a week later when I saw him begging on the street again was (...).

I consider this a mistake in my life because I had right in front of me an opportunity to affect someone's life and I let it go.

^Bad sentence.
By the way, did you let some one's life go?
or an opportunity?
NOT CLEAR.

But it was significant enough to change the course of my life. A week later, I saw two kids studying in the street light, and I lost no time to approach them.

^I never knew you could study in a street light. I thought I would burn...I always thought that the more conventional thing to do would be to study

UNDER the streetlight?

I have been teaching them for around a year now.I have made a conscious effort to contribute to the society and motivate others to do so.

^Just by teaching two children and ignoring the other one that you mentioned above, makes it contributing to the whole society? change it and make it 'my' society, because just 'the' society implies that you helped the entire society, of perhaps your city or country, which is debatable at this point.

That lead the beginning of my volunteer group at college.
^lead TO
The mistake made me realise that social work(or helping others-underprivileged) is something I want to do, not for today, not for tomorrow, but for the rest of my life.

^Be more specific. THAT mistake.
by the way social work is not only limited to the underprivileged. If you are going to use such a broad term, realise that it also includes the handicapped and the elderly..

I hope you find my contribution meaningful

Undergraduate / Barrier between me and my dream career; UT AUSTIN; SOP [10]

My alarm beeped for the fifth time in an hour. Each time it sounded, I was reminded of the approaching time that I dreaded so much: six o'clock in the morning.

In a matter of minutes, I got up and attempted to prepare for my first day of classes at San Antonio's community college.

I made my way to the bus stop, hoping that everything went well and that I would arrive on time to class.
^Given the context of the sentence, would it not be, 'hoping that everything would go well'?

I was twenty years old, without a vehicle, and nervous but also determined.
^Remove the 'and' before nervous.

It was then that I made a promise to myself.
^A bit sudden and random. You were nervous and determined. Ok, the 'promise to myself' sentence fortifies the determination part, but what were you nervous about? Or were you nervous and determined to do something that day? In that case, what? I do not quite see how someone can just have those two emotions on a random day without a given reason...and up to this point, you have not given any reason to be nervous or determined. You just woke up and you are going to college and realised that life is not too cool, but does that make you nervous and determined? It can make you nervous to realise that, your life sucks. And you can be determined to make it rock.

In my opinion, you should be more clear.

I vowed to be successful that semester and every semester to follow. I vowed to arrive early, ask questions, give answers, and put everything I had towards my goal.

^You vowed. Does that make it a goal?

For the past year and a half, my life has been nothing but a revolving door between work and school and I could not possibly be any happier. I pay for my rent, bills, and schooling through the long work hours I invest in each week.

I have overcome the inconvenience of having to spend four hours each school day to get to and from campus in order to be successful. Now that I near my last semester before transferring to a four year university, I feel satisfied in my approach to my academic career and know that as long as I remain the ambitious individual that I have always been, I will be successful in any endeavor. My statement of purpose may be summarized by the following sentence. My intentions are to attend the University of Texas at Austin, graduate with honors, and be accepted to their school of law. That is my purpose.

^We understand your intentions. But, what is your purpose of applying. You just say what you would like to happen. However, you need to address the purpose aspect. What purpose is there attending UT, and perhaps you can discuss how this purpose is meaningful and useful to you..

Undergraduate / Re-admission appeal statement (Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance) [10]

Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance:

Upon entering the university I found the freedom of living on my own and unfortunately, I used it to distract myself from my study at UCSD.

^You can make the first clause more concise. 'As a University student, I was living on my own and found freedom. However, this freedom did not necessarily prove fruitful, as it became a distraction from my studies at UCSD.

I became deeply attached to computer gaming that consumed time needed for studying and as a result my grades suffered over the two years I attended the university.

^A bit wordy with no commas or full stops.
I became deeply attached to computer gaming. This consumed time that was needed for studying. Subsequently, my grades suffered over the two years I attended the University.

During the second year I isolated myself completely from my roommates as I delved into the online game World of Warcraft.
^I am not sure if 'delve' is the correct word.
My suggestion: as I delved in the online world of fantasy and witchcraft;(maybe link with next sentence)World of Warcraft made me lose interest as well as focus in my classes.

When the problem started it my roommates attempted to help but I ignored their advice because I thought I can solve it on my own.

^The problem started it? Huh
'As the problem grew'?, my roommates tried to help but I ignored their advice because I thought I can solve it on my own.

*By the way, I thought you were living on your own? You mentioned that in your opening sentence..

After receiving the first academic probation at the end of first academic year, I improved my grades for one semester and then completely disregarded studying. When it was obvious that I couldn't fight my addiction I should have sought counseling but I didn't.

^Confirm if 'didnt' will be approved of. However I would suggest just sticking to the good old 'did not'.

The result of all this is that I drove myself further and further from excelling in education and eventually resulting in my dismissal.
^You drove yourself further and further 'away' from excelling in education, WHICH eventually resulted in your dismissal.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

I grasped tightly onto her scarlet sweater, both eyes bathed in tears, howling and kicking to dodge the four-legged creature

^I still think that by mentioning your grandmother first, as well as having 'grasped tightly', it sounds as if the 'four legged creature' you are trying to dodge is your grandma.

Whilst it is common sense that it it the lizard, your grammar suggests otherwise?
Am I the only one who sees that?

Undergraduate / Show how my university studies affect my career future? [11]

Studying Business Administration at the University of the People would foremost support
'firstly provide me the '
valuable theoretical foundation and deep understanding of the
'that is required to understand and enlighten myself on principles of business and economics'
which are necessary to work effectively in this field.
^Once again, what field are you referring to? Business or Economics? Or Business Administration?

I had thought practical experience as an important factor [for the success in the future work.
^I thought
experience was
to be successful at work.

Thus, instead of focusing on study, I spent almost my time on the part-time jobs.
^you either spend none of, all, or some of your time. Choose whichever one appropriately however I think the word you are looking for it 'most'

However in such a competitive society, only with profound specialist knowledge, you might stand out the other candidates and get a chance to achieve a favourable position in your professional life.

^
you? not the appropriate pronoun. The Admissions Counselor may not want to know that he needs profound specialist knowledge. Therefore, replace 'you' with 'one'. remove the comma and say 'can one stand out amongst other candidates in order to attain a favorable position in his/her professional life'.

In regards to the point you made, I am not sure if it is true however if you firmly believe in this point and want it to remain on your application, then leave it there.

Basically, the good way to acquire this knowledge is from an advanced education.
*replace 'the' with a

I thereby believe that four years of assiduous study at the University of the People would make me be sufficiently competitive and capable in business field.

^if it is very competitive, do you want to be 'just competitive' or more competitive??

Besides, in order to succeed in this era, it is necessary to exploit the infinite powerful of digital networks and social softwares as well as to become competent at English. As a result, it is certain that the study process at the University of the People would be a valuable experience for me to get expert at both IT and English skills.

^as during my course of study, my IT and English skills can develop themselves as well, both of which serve useful purposes in professional fields.

Moreover, the methodology of "learning by teaching, peer-to-peer teaching" not only encourages individuals in self-confidence, dynamism, communication skills but also creates a community where people help each other attain knowledge and get success.

*a community in which.

Through the University of the People, I would thus learn not only specialist knowledge but social skills and community spirit.
^can also develop my social skills and my community spirit.

Growing up in an undeveloped country, I understand how a lack of education is an impediment for people aiming to better their lives.
^
Having grown up
lol, the part after the comma was my contribution! yay

Although I have cherished the dream to study at an internationally qualified school, I cannot afford it because of its expensive tuition fee. Therefore the University of the People will open an opportunity for my dream to come true.

^You dreamt of studying at an internationally qualified school.
Is University of the People internationally recognised, beacause you say that its a dream.
-To be honest, I do not quite get the internationally recognised thing here.
See if you can omit it entirely, because if the University of People is not internationally recognised, it kind of shows how you are only applying there because you had no other choice. If it is internationally recognised, then you should not mention how you wanted to study elsewhere, because these Admission Counselors want to hear how you genuinely want to study at their respective Univeristies.

I believe that this university by its provision of the affordable education will help create more job opportunities to all of people and therefore, help make a new more equal and prosperous world.

^help make a new, more equal and prosperous world.

In case of a student of the University of the People, my future is to become an Uopeople's volunteer to help the school complete its lofty mission as "a free university for students all over the world". Especially, I dream of helping thousands of Vietnamese come to study at the University of the People so that they could get qualified and change their lives.

Well I hope my contributions are meaningful. Good luck

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]

Je parle francais.

Essays / Management Essay - Self-chosen topic: "Power - Strategic Management Tool". [16]

Where is your essay?

Undergraduate / Show how my university studies affect my career future? [11]

Studying business administration in the University of the People
^The course title should be in Caps locks, and you study 'at' a University.

'would support me THE valuable theoretical foundation'
^of what?

and a deep understanding of the principles of business and economics which are necessary to work properly in this field.
^You can rephrase it as Business and Economic principles.
What field are you referring to?

I once thought real experience as a key for work success.
^do you mean 'was' a key. What is 'work success'?

I thus did not focus on my university study but part-time jobs. However, in a current knowledge-based society, it is hard to become competitive unless I have a profound specialist knowledge, brainstorm skills and English expertise.

^University Studies, bur rather part time jobs.
Our society does not necessarily operate on being knowledge based. Furthermore, knowledge is very broad. I would consider rephrasing this sentence entirely.
-competitive? in what?
-brain-STORMING skills
-English expertise?

These qualities are able to reach by advanced education.
^
No. Poor sentence. 'An advanced education can help facilitate the process of developing these qualities'.
^However, that point itself is debatable as what makes the education 'advanced' and does it really help improve your practical skills as such?

I hereby perfectly believe that 4 years of assiduity in the University of the People would make me be sufficiently competitive and capable in business field.

^Your grammar is weak in this sentence.

Additionally, I would contribute the advanced knowledge achieved to the innovation process in my country by volunteering to help popularize academic education.
^
advanced knowledge ACHIEVED??
The point may be strong, however once again, your sentence structure disappoints.

An individual to succeed in this era is necessary to exploit the infinite powerful of digital networks and social softwares.
^
I really do not know what you are trying to say here.
Is the individual necessary? Or is it necessary???
The whole phrasing of the sentence is rather clumsy

As a result, it is certain that the study process in the University of the People would be a valuable practice for me as well as my source of inspiration to continue producing excellent but low-cost goods for community.

^study process at..
-will be
-its not a practice, perhaps an experience?
-continue producing excellent but low cost goods for community
^It sounds as if youve mentioned this point, although you have not.
Which community are you referring to?

My study there would promise well to help me reach intellectual potential and bring idea breakthroughs.
^Study where?
-whose intellectual potential
-idea breakthroughs??

Moreover, the methodology of "learning by teaching, peer-to-peer teaching" not only encourages individuals in self-confidence, dynamism, communication skills but also creates a community where people help each other attain knowledge and get success.

^I guess that is decent...

The University of the People would thus teach me not only specialist knowledge but social skills and community spirit.
^How???
You have not supported this claim at all.

I myself could correspondingly become open-minded, overcome social barriers and help making a more equal and glued world.
^glued world? As in we all stick together or something? And your grammatical tenses are not parallel to each other.

Being actually a poor Vietnamese, I understand thoroughly how low education prevents people to benefit their life.
^
Omit 'Being actually'.
-'I understand how a lack of education is an impediment for people aiming to better their lives'

Although my indigent friends and I all thirst for study at international-qualified schools, we cannot afford them.
-Internationally**
-However, this sentence sounds rather superficial. What seperates an internationally qualified school from the University of the People?
It is as if because you had no other choice, you want to apply there. It is likely that the admissions committee will not find this very flattering..

Therefore, the University of the People is definitely our dream university which has been desired for many years.
^It is your dream university, because you can afford it? Try to find another, more valid reason, to tell the University of People as to why it is your dream University. Also, your grammar once again is unclear. You make it sound as if the University of the People has been desired for many years?

Grammatically, it causes the assumption that people in general crave the University of the People for many years. Furthermore, I am not sure if 'desire' is the appropriate word in this context.

In case of an student of the University of the People, my future is to become an Uopeople's volunteer to help the school complete its lofty mission as "a free university for students all over the world".

^I dont understand why the first clause is even there.
^I thought you wanted to produce low cost goods?

I especially want help thousands of the Vietnamese indigent come to study in the University of the People, get qualification and change their life.
^get qualifications or get qualified
-change their life does not fit in here. I understand you are trying to link how a qualification can change their lives. However, it sounds as if your goals are to help people:

study at the Univeristy of the People.
get qualifications
change their life

A change in their life can happen from anything, however I think you are trying to say that it can happen from a qualification.
In which case, you can say 'get qualifications and thus, attempt to change their lives'.
Something along those lines
Overall, this essay does require some work.
Hopefully, other contributors can help make the changes necessary to make your essay look very strong.
Good luck man,

Essays / Describing a bombing. [5]

@Rajiv,

Well I do not live in, nor have ever visited, Afghanistan. I thought I changed the country on my profile as well...It was initially chosen because I was too lazy to scroll down and Afghanistan is the first country on the list :P

Liebe is Dutch for Love if I remember

And yea, it appears that the entire thread that I had posted in earlier has been deleted.

@Simone, I did not witness the bombing, but I heard it. But thanks for the advice however. I am in the process of completing a CommonApp essay, as I am applying Early Action, and my essay does feature the bomb incident slightly.

Anyways thanks guys, much appreciated.