Undergraduate / C for commitment (Lehigh University-if your name were an acronym) [5]

My friend is applying to Lehigh, and my advice is going to be from what I saw in her essay.
From my understanding, you're suppose to lend each letter of your name: C I N D Y, an attribute which rings true to who you are. So if C is for commitment, describe how you are committed. Maybe I is for idiosyncratic (that's a mouth full). What's N, D and Y? Take each letter, glue a characteristic or passion of yours to it...That is my understanding of this prompt.

For example:

D- From chemistry to geography class to entering a business competition to dancing at school talent shows- I am Dynamic, able to take on different roles and execute them to the best of my abilities.

This is just an example. I used my characteristic to explain what the letter D means. Get it?

Good luck my friend!

Undergraduate / Acronym for me - R.E.D has been a wild roller coaster of indescribable experiences. [4]

Okay. I think this is a nice response. But you should elaborate more on why RED is a symbol of your friendship. For me, that sentence makes it seem like the name RED itself is symbolic, when really it's just an acronym...So either you take out that sentence and concentrate more on how your friends in RED have influenced you, or you analyze the name RED...like maybe you're passionate like the color red or something. Am I making any sense? The essay is good and everything, I just think the focus is unclear at some points. And the whole R.E.D thing is a tad confusing. Maybe just say your friends, because the acronym doesn't add much to your essay unless you analyze what the name means to you...

A few tweaks:

Our personalities are not alike, yet it is this reason that we are able to have as much fun as we do.
--> Though are personalities are polar opposites, these quirks spice up our friendship.

It's shown me the being with people like yourself is boring.
--> It's shown me that being with different people is a fun, eye opening experience.

It's helped me meet people I would never speak to.
--> My friends encourage me to make new relationships, try out new things. They push me to explore and discover the world.

Most importantly it has given me the greatest memories of my youth.
-->This sentence lacks oomph...Maybe replace it with something related to how you burst out your shell.

This is for Brown right? I applied two days ago and it's such a relief...Good Luck! And maybe, just maybe, we may see each other in Providence. LOL

Undergraduate / Digging deeper beneath the surface opens a pathway to innovation. Cornell's College Application [9]

Your writing exudes intelligence. Which is a good thing.
And you're articulate. The adcom will like that.
But you don't answer the question...which isn't good.

I think you can link your Lose Weight Phase to Biology. As you exercised and researched about ways to keep fit, you became more fascinated of the intricacies of the human body. Why does this muscle work like that? Why am I getting used to more exercise? How do I sweat? What are the effects of the 100 squats I do on my lower body? Blah Blah Blah. You get the whole gist right? It would be a fun read, and if written well, show that you have a firm background in Biology. Kill two birds with one stone amiga.

For Psychology, the same thing can be done. Link exercise with the fifth (and my favorite) paragraph. I love the whole Latino background and resilience thing you've got going on. I can imagine the sort of person you are! Confident, energetic and tough.

For the Cornell bit, research more on the two majors you're interested in. Maybe add a few courses you can take, research opportunities, etc.

You're such a great writer, I'm sure all will go well! Good luck my friend :)

Undergraduate / I was different because I had a sister - Identity essay. [11]

I love my sister. I hope that I always have had, but there was time I wished that she never was born.
--> I love my sister. A lot. But there have been moments when I wished she was never born.

On the second day of my third grade, my sister and I just got home from school for a lunch break . She just moved from our maternal grandmagrandmother's house to live with me three weeks ago. So, to help her get used to her new environment, I decided to play hide and seek while waiting for Grandma. Suddenly, I heard a loud "Bang" as Grandma slammed the door and ran toward my sister while yelling, "Go! Hide somewhere. Hide under that desk! Hurry!" I was stunned, shocked and scared. Never in my life that I had seen Grandma in such face of horrorso much fear . Instead of questioning anything like I did, my sister just quietly hidedhid under the desk without saying any word. She hidedhid in that little space all afternoon.

NEW PARAGRAPH WILL ADD AN EFFECT It was later that night I finally found out the reason of her hiding -she was illegally born under China's One Child Policy. Since that night, my love for my sister became distorted as I blamed her for our parents' leaving and me being treated differently at school.

My sister and I wereare one year and nine months apart. Because of the One Child Policy, she lived with my maternal grandma in a rural area where the policy was not as strict as in the city where I lived with my parents. When I was three, my parents left us and camewent to the United States to seek for a fortunein pursuit of a better life . Since then, they have never gonecome back to visit us. The only ways that I got to know them were by talking to them over the phone every day and looking at their marriage photos. Because of their absence, my childhood memory was (incomplete) filled with lonesome and insecuritywere filled with loneliness and insecurity . At school, I was the only one who had a sibling and went home by myself and later, with a little sister while others, were carried on their parent's arms. I was aware of this difference, but I could not stand on it - I have a sister, but I don't have parents.

It was not until I came to live my parents and started to help at their restaurant that I finally understood the real value of my parents and my sister meant to memy family . They are part of my identity. They are the people who let me see who I really am. Seeing my parents work seven days a week, all year round with such determination and faith in their children's better future with unlimited freedom , I was overwhelmed bywith guilt and shame. I finally realize in all those years, It was not the fact that I had a sister that made me different than other children, it was my ignorance of who I really am that let me feltfeel inferior. Rather than felt angry by the presence of my sister, I was frustrated by imaginary inner fear of my own difference.I wasn't angered by the presence of a sister, but frustrated with my difference.I viewed myself through others' eyes and I tried to avoid this uniqueness . Now, I am proud to tell others that I am special because I have such a loving sister. I am appreciate my parents' commitment to invest their life in their children's futureour future . I enjoy being the only Chinese student in my International Baccalaureate class. I am honored to be the kid who helps at her parents' restaurant all year round. I love to be the only kid in the room to negotiate the price with AT&T representatives, with car salesmen, and even with restate agents for my parents. --> I don't understand what's happening here. Only kid in what room? Your parents' restaurant?? Make that clearer.

I love my sister. I love her the way I love myself as being different and appreciating this uniqueness.--> I love my sister. I love her for her uniqueness and quirks, just like I love myself for who I am.

I think you have to really work on what you want to talk about. This prompt is easy in a sense that you can talk about ANYTHING. But it is also difficult because you need a firm grip on who you are, what you are and why you are that. So let's answer those questions.

If you want to use this essay topic, then link the experiences you went through in China and growing up with an illegal sibling to the person you are today. Are you appreciative of other people's different backgrounds? Maybe you're very open minded. Maybe you're a resilient person. Is there a particular characteristic that you think you gained from coming out of such a situation?

In doing that, your essay will make more sense. Right now, it doesn't answer the question very well. But your story is really interesting, and I got a bit teary eyed reading the ordeals you went through! With a bit more self analysis, this can become a good piece.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / 'Just as an artist' - my vision is to bring a new style of business to NYU and then the world [6]

I want to use business as an ethical platform to help people of all kindsbackgroundswhile still making enough for me to live a humble life .

My parents raised me in the United States similar to how they were raised in the Philippinesand instilled in me the same values they gained from growing up in the Philippines . I believe my religious nature stems from their God fearing background.Though life was tough in the Philippines, their religion gave them hope, that so long as one is faithful and kind to others, good things will happen. I too, believe this fervently, and express this belief by participating in several religious and community service clubs, such as the Bridges team, where along with other students, I help make food, collect essentials, and distribute them in Manhattan and Newark. At NYU I hope to join one or more of the many faith groups such as World Faith to keep faith as an active part of my life. Faith and service are integral to my life, and if business is to be too, I will offer a hard work ethic in order to combine the two.

The Stern School of Business is known for its challenging, top quality cirriculum. I know it will offer me the best education possible going forward in the world of business. Coming out of Stern, armed with the best possible comprehension of business, I have no doubt I can confidently step out into the world, and step up above the rest.

--> More Specifics!! Pepper this paragraph with a few courses you are interested in, maybe something related to Business Ethics. Talk about how you can gain the knowledge and skills needed to promote ethical and fair business practices which benefit the poor.

NYU is located in the heart of one of the biggest metropolitan areas in the world. I have lived around the New York Metropolitan area all of my life, so I have been exposed to many cultures, opinions, lifestyles, and perspectives. But in the middle of it all, in Manhattan, I will meet people with opinions, lifestyles, and perspectives I may not have encountered before. Different perspectives can only help me in better understanding the world so that I may help it through business. Overall, NYU gives me the tremendous resources of Stern and Manhattan, and in combination with my work ethic and moral character, I can only see my goals being completed, which are the ultimate offer I want to give NYU and the world.

--> I don't know about this paragraph. You start off great, and then it sort of loses the oomph character. Talk more about what you can offer NYU. You're Filipino right? Then talk about how you can bring that Filipino culture to NYU, or something like that. You mention how NYU can help you quite a lot, which is great, but they also want to know why they should accept you. So don't be afraid to sell yourself a bit more!

My suggestion is that any time you mention business ethics and fair business in the world, concentrate on the Philippines and South Eastern Asia. In doing so, your essay reads tighter, because you want to change a specific aspect of business in a specific part of the world. It shows that you have a pretty solid vision, and bodes well when they are analyzing you as a student. And again, talk a bit more on what you can contribute to NYU. College is a give and take relationship. College gives you a tremendous education and infinite opportunities. But you also have to give them something. It's a very important thing to remember.

But all in all, you write very well! It's just the content that needs some tweaking. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / Some thoughts on stereotypes - Amherst College Supplement feeback [3]

I like your response. No unnecessarily fancy phrases, very straightforward. You answer the question. Here's a shortened version!

Generally, stereotypes lead to two types of actions: either the individual complies with the stereotype in order to assume a comfortable and safe position or he/she deliberately goes against the stereotype in order to be unique. In each case, the action is being qualified by the stereotype itself, thus the stereotype truly does wield the "power" to become a "self-fulfilling" prophecy for behavior.

There is a third course of action, however: when the individual acts on his own accord despite the existence of the stereotype. And that's me.

There are two "stereotypes" that have hovered over my life from a young age: one is the notion that "Indians are terrible athletes" and the other is the idea that "Indian students are all intelligent and geeky." The former I defy and the latter I fit. However, I have never consciously decided to be an athlete in an attempt to fight the stereotype or be studious because that's what Indians are supposed to be: it was just me being me.

I became an avid athlete because baseball was my first real exposure to American culture, and over the years that innate connection grew like wildfire to a point where playing sports became a devout passion. My academic success is rooted partly from a desire to make my parents proud and partly from my own natural intellectual curiosity. In both cases, it was not the stereotypes that wielded the power for my behavior, it was me. Stereotypes played no role whatsoever in my actions; they were just there.

Think of it this way; doesn't that popular phrase of thinking "outside-the-box" still imply that one's behavior is determined by what's in the box? Instead, maybe for the individual doing the action, that box doesn't exist. That is how I live my life.

297 words!

Undergraduate / Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying. [5]

Umm, my culture has nothing to do with the essay. So why should I even bring that in? This essay is supposed to be on a difficulty I faced (being confronted by my teacher that the summit is a hindrance to a student's education) and how I overcame it(by asserting it will be a success)...

Undergraduate / I am an American Palestinian but - I can not identify myself with either or the other. [2]

I am an American Palestinian; most people disagree when I say this stating that my nationality is American then I am American, or my ethnicity is Palestinian then I am Palestinian, but I can not identify myself with either or the other. I was born in a western culture society, yet raised under a middle eastern roof; my native language is Arabic, yet I excel in English.

--> I am an American Palestinian. Most people disagree when I say this. Some say my ethnicity makes me Palestinian only. Others say my legal nationality makes me American only. However, I cannot choose sides, for I am everything. I was born in the Western, American society, but embedded in me are my Palestinian virtues. My native language is Arabic, yet I excel in English.

The final sentence is a bit off. Instead summarize your contention with a sentence that brings together an obvious American characteristic and a very Palestinian characteristic, to show that you are indeed, the multicultural person you claim to be. I'm just going to answer on the first essay, since it's one essay at a time! Please post your other essays on a different thread so I can check it out :)

Undergraduate / Enriching, quality learning environment will help me to best achieve my future career goals [2]

For the first paragraph, I can literally switch your school name with any other school. And it would work. Because it's way too generic. "it's many clubs and groups" and "it's fantastic group of professors" are very general phrases. Which clubs are you attracted to? You mentioned theater and music-does Queen have anything for you in those areas?

The Queen's Undergraduate Internship Program has always attracted me to the University, consequently making one of my goals to pursue co-op employment through this program. In doing so, I would gain valuable work experience and education which would assist me in my career as an engineer.

--> This is again, a bit bland. What internship in particular are you attracted to? And this isn't really a goal. It's more of an opportunity. Your goal isn't to do co-op, your goal is to become an engineer. So how will the internship program help you inch closer to your goal? Valuable work experience isn't enough. Are there certain research opportunities you always wanted that this program will give you? Then talk about that.

I also wish to improve upon my fantastic time management skills, that I have developed over my secondary school years, at Queen's University. As a current International Baccalaureate student and part-time employee at Staples Canada involved in extra curriculars such as concert band, Wildcat Theatre and producing music at home, I have learned valuable time management skills which have allowed me to achieve academic success. I believe that Queen's University will give me the tools and environment to build on these skills and continue achieving academic success.

--> Over my secondary school years, I have had to balance my academics with my extracurricular activities-concert band, Wildcat Theater, personal music production. Though a daunting task, I have succeeded in managing my time well, and in doing so, achieving academic success. In Queen's, I hope to build upon my budding time management skills as I tackle even more rigorous academic work and commit myself to college activities.

Finally, I feel that Queen's gives me an opportunity to develop and improve my leadership skills that I have developed as a leadership camper and camp counsellor at Camp Kawartha in Lakefield over the past 5 years. The skills I have acquired through my experiences leading classes, participating in counsellor and lifeguarding duties and dealing with camper concerns has given me a strong sense of leadership which I feel will be a fantastic contribution to the community at Queen's. I also believe that Queen's will give me the perfect opportunity to take these skills and develop them further through the environment at the University.

--> Finally, I feel that Queen's will give me the opportunity to develop and improve my leadership skills. As Camp Counselor at Camp Kawartha in Lakefield, I have lead numerous classes, performed lifeguard duties and acted as a "big brother/sister" to the young campers. Through these experiences, I have acquired a strong sense of leadership, which I know will be a great contribution to the Queen's community. Furthermore, by taking part in xyz (example of an activity or program that will help you enrich your leadership skills), I can develop my leadership skills even further.

Maybe end the essay with a kick *** sentence, like "Queen's is where I can grow."
These edits aren't pro-contributor level so don't hold onto it too much! And I think you would do yourself good if you researched more on the University and spoke more on Engineering. This isn't a place to showoff what you've done, but a platform for you to showcase your dreams, your ambitions. So concentrate on that. Good luck mate :)

Undergraduate / Gender Inequality: A complex problem/ Princeton Supplement [8]

Thanks Ghfdw17! Good luck with everything you do!

I'd like to hear what vangiespen has to say about this piece though...

Undergraduate / Gender Inequality: A complex problem/ Princeton Supplement [8]

Thank you! I feel the essay would be too long if I add that. And plus, my future career has nothing to do with gender rights...Thank you once again!

Undergraduate / Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying. [5]

New Version of Essay!

"Can you handle dozens of students failing this term in the name of a summit?" my teacher asked. Many teachers were worried that students were lagging behind class because of the rigorous preparations for the Global Summit I was spearheading. They were right. The in-depth research and training was burdening for some students. Even I was knackered from spending the late hours of the night going over strategy papers, role profiles and team profiles. Juggling the preparations with my academics, university applications and my responsibilities as Head Girl was far from easy. But on the spur of the moment, I said:

"Sir, please trust me with this one. These students are pouring their all into making the summit a success. As for keeping up with class, I'll take responsibility for that. My friends and I are willing to tutor them." Adrenaline-induced Leiya was right. I couldn't give up on the summit now, not when so many people were involved. My mind was set. Even the teachers couldn't shake me.

A week after that incident, the summit began. For three days, the student shed their teenage persona and became political leaders and social activists. They passionately debated issues ranging from the Ebola outbreak to the insurgence of terrorism in Africa. The energy exchange of the summit was incredible. I came out feeling more energized and excited about international relations and politics than ever before. Through zealous hard-work, dedication and conscientiousness on the part of everyone involved, the summit was a great success.

At the end of the summit, the teacher who had consulted me approached me and said something I will never forget:"You are the future leaders of Africa. I am proud of that."

Undergraduate / Gender Inequality: A complex problem/ Princeton Supplement [8]

Thank you so much! That's a good idea. To show how I transitioned to become the person I am today, as a result of the things I witnessed.

Undergraduate / One arabesque, two turns. Ballet - Extracurricular Essay [3]

You gracefully led me through the essay and your words were, indeed, like the swift, fluid like movement of a ballerina. I can feel that ballet is your passion and that you're good at it too! Perfection :)

Undergraduate / Why Yale - Unique student initiatives/ Yale short questions [7]

Future Bulldog here! Your responses are very straightforwards and mature, which is great, but it also comes off as a tad detached in some cases. Maybe you can work on a little warmth so that your other responses don't nullify what you say in 2c) about being the "clown." And yes, 2b) should be more specific. In my case, I wrote about being diagnosed with scoliosis and how I managed it. The short takes are your chance to show them who you are as a person, so utilize it to the max!

Undergraduate / An odd group of friends- Brown University Supplement Essay [8]

Thank you everyone for helping me out! Now I can place a tick next to "Brown" on my supplement essay list...

I really appreciate it :)

Undergraduate / An odd group of friends- Brown University Supplement Essay [8]

This is my new essay vangiespen:

To many outsiders we're an odd mix of people. A prospective economics major discusses WTO conspiracy theories with a future biomedical engineer. A Christian debates the Israeli-Palestine crisis with a Muslim. The world's first human calculator teachers calculus to a cartographer. My group of friends are a mishmash of different ethnicities, religions, interests and beliefs. At first glance, our idiosyncrasies seem like a recipe for disaster. But here, our individualism is rather a recipe for growth.

With my friends, I can be myself. They ask me, what are you going to show us? Who are you? We're addicted to each others oddities, obtaining sustenance from our uniqueness. We learn from each other, developing more textured identities with each interaction. I've learned to be more appreciative and accepting of people's individual "cultures." And now, I cannot wait to immerse myself in the even more vivid, eccentric community at Brown.

Undergraduate / An odd group of friends- Brown University Supplement Essay [8]

Thanks kevpang! I'm applying for Environmental Studies and International Relations. And sure, I'll check out your essay! Good luck to you too :)

Thank you so much vangiespen for you response. I see where you're coming from and we'll tweak the essay accordingly. I really appreciate it!

Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]

Very straight forward, poised tone. I like how you try to tackle the prompt with maturity and trajectory. So let's get to the editing...

As soon as I read this phrase, I knowknew that pursuing an undergraduate education in Penn's College of Arts and Sciences willwould be the right choice.

At Penn, the reason for pursuing education not just to graduate with a qualification, but for a more noble purpose - to harness the education to benefit society - is perfectly consistent with my ideals. ---> At Penn, the reason for pursuing education is not to graduate with a qualification, but to gain the knowledge and skills needed to benefit society, a noble purpose that is consistent with my ideals.

Coming from a less privileged background, I have been told by relatives and friends how with a good education, I can get a good-paying job, and improve my family's quality of life. Though admittedly true to a certain extent, I know deep inside my heart there is something more to education than just being a means to an end. I want to use it to empower the less well-off, specifically by researching economic policies that can help lift the poor out of poverty. My goal is to be an Economic Adviser to the Government, and as I gain more experience, hopefully contribute to the World Bank as a research economist specializing in economic policies.

---> Coming from a less privileged background, I've been told by relatives and friends that a good education is the ticket to success. Though this is true, I feel deep inside my heart that education is more than a short cut to a fat salary. I want to use it to empower those that like me, come from a low income background, specifically by researching economic policies that can emancipate the poor. My goal is to be an Economic Adviser to the government, and as I gain more experience, hopefully contribute to the World Bank as a specialist in economic policy research.

Majoring in economics is the most logical step for me. However, the quality of education I receive leading up to the major matters too.
---> Though majoring in economics will certainly pave the road to attaining my goals, a firm foundation in other fields of academia will matter too.

General Education from the College's vast catalog of courses from multiple disciplines will complement my core skills as an economist in my future endeavor.

I am also drawn by the College's emphasis and support for undergraduates to engage in research during their four-years in Penn, with a dedicated office for that purpose in Center for Undergraduate Research and Fellowships (CURF).

---> I am also drawn to the College's emphasis on and support for undergraduate research. (I don't think the last bit is necessary)

I strongly believe that theoretical education should be complemented with practical application in order to achieve a firm grasp of a subject. Engaging in research is a good way to do just that, and Penn's Economic Department, together with Penn Institute for Economic Research (PIER) foster a research-friendly environment with accessible and passionate faculty whom I can collaborate with to explore my curiosity in political economics. I can also attend lectures and workshops by PIER to further enrich my knowledge in economics, such as the Quantitative Tools for Macroeconomic Policy Analysis.

---> Penn's Economics Department, together with Penn Institute for Economic Research (PIER), I can undertake cutting edge research with some of the country's greatest thinkers and explore the fascinating field of political economics. The lectures and workshops offered by PIER, such as Qualitative Tools for Macroeconomic Policy Analysis, will be an excellent opportunity for me to further my knowledge on economics as well.

Besides academic pursuits, I would like to continue pursuing my passion in community service in college and I am excited to see that there is a robust spirit of volunteerism in UPenn.

Hope it helps!! Good luck :)

Undergraduate / I had never been so sure of myself in my whole life. Rutgers essay [4]

This seems totally unrelated to a talent, interest or commitment of yours. I think they want to learn about how an experience related to something you are GOOD AT or ENJOY DOING has revealed something about you.

For example, I like drama. But I want a change of scenery so I decide to direct a play instead of act in it. In directing a play, I learn that I am very good at organizing a group of people and motivating them to succeed. I also discover I have a knack for directing plays...in fact, I enjoy it more than acting itself! This spurs me to learn more about play writing, film making, blah blah blah...you get the gist right?

Pick a different experience all together. This essay also paints a negative picture of you as a student, since you mention a few times that you didn't study for the exam and what not. Overconfidence and misjudgement of one's preparedness are bad attributes. Try and paint a brighther picture of yourself! Good luck!!

Undergraduate / "Was it long or short, Okawa-san", a man asked his 116 year old grandmother on a video; why UChicago [6]

The sudden mention of gay people took me by surprise...try to find a different way of explaining how debating has made you a more open minded person. Maybe start off that sentence with "For example, I used to stray from the LGBTQ community because of my bigoted/ prejudiced/ one sided/ biased opinions. Through debating, I am now able to emphatize more with them."

The discussion-oriented classrooms at UChicago make me confident that I will grow there: I believe the disccusion-oriented classrooms at UChicago will help me to grow both as a debator and as an academic.

And what are you interested in studying? Maybe you can pepper your piece by mentioning your intended major. If you are undecided, it might do you well to expand on the bit on the core program and how will help you to understand yourself better and thus help in discovering what you want to do.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / The road less traveled challenged me because i hate it - common app supplement [3]

I agree with the previous response. How did the poem's idea/ concept/ theme impact you? Did it stir something in your heart? Did it excite you? Did those words spur you to take action or did it anger you? Instead of analyzing the poem, tell us how the poem has affected YOU! You speak about how the poem made you read other literary d pieces. But that doesn't relate to the content of Robert Frost's poem at all.

I'll be around if you need any help!

Undergraduate / UChicago - What's so odd about odd numbers? [5]

I feel like the essay really shows that you are a creative, well-read student. By incorporating concepts such as Maslow's hierachy in the essay, you make your opinion concrete. But I am not too sure if your essay does a good job in depictin WHO YOU ARE

Keeping the significance of such odd numbers in the forefront of my mind is what gave me the boldness to voice my opinion as a new student in a class of thirty students when a teacher criticized people who held religious beliefs, this thought propelled me to re-start the debate club when I could have instead comfortably gone on with the routines of high-school, this thought gave me determination to work as the head of communications for a charity This is the only point of the essay when I feel like I know who you are. Maybe you can expand on this more. How "odd" are you in your class? How did people percieve you for voicing your opinion and for being so outgoing? And does being head of communications for a charity necessarily make you different?

Please check out my essay when you have time!