Undergraduate / I look at the Gym as a place where I can feel calm, and relieve all of my problems and stress. [2]

Although its touching that you overcome bullying, it really is,

this doesn't really answer the prompt at all,

if anything it is more inclined towards either :

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

or

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

however, then it would still need refining to produce a more clear contention and effect,

I would advise you to change to either of those prompts, or remaining with the prompt you chose, focus more on the actual environment you feel content which I'm assuming is the gym, you've focused more so on the activity which albeit is in the gym fails to really produce the right answer

Undergraduate / My sister has ADHD, she was not treated at a young age - STANFORD; S.E. Who am I? [5]


Im not saying omit the definition, but Im not sure whether you'd need to put this? they are educated admissions officers, and it is a widely known disorder - this would only benefit in giving you more words to play with in your actual answer..


maybe * stand by, as she kept repeating the same mistake.

Theres some corrections with just the first answer, I think you need to really revise these answers for grammatical errors, but the flow more importantly, try to think outside the box, try to start sentences with words other than I, try to break up the monotonous tone as we'll ! its a really interesting idea but its just not conveyed well yet ! keep going, you've done brilliant corrections already !! and I am sorry if these come across harsh they aren't at all !!

Good luck with applications too :)

Undergraduate / Fitzgerald was my travel buddy - NYU supplemental essay prompt [8]

tidied up the essay and changed it a fair amount, may still change the intro as well,

Fitzgerald has written many bodies of work, 'The beautiful and the damned' is another source of literary sensation, my 11th grade english teach once compared me to the novel's personification of New York City. I believe she was right.

Just like NY City itself, I'm a diverse multicultural being, adapting quickly and adopting every new culture thrust upon it, I write to express my unique perceptions, my opinions or providing new insight on common objects that no one has considered before. I hope to contribute to publications such as 'The west of 4th street review' addressing how the first three minutes after waking up is the most ethereal place we can visit, How cacti filled youth bedrooms have become a symbol of our resilience against uncertain times. I plan to Inspire and entertain my fellow students and faculty with new and diverse streams of thinking, they may say that whatever your great at there is 1000 who are better, but how many students sit at 11pm and pondering whether dream catchers existed in the dark ages, and what their impact was.

NYU embraces the ideology of Never-ending learning, as does the city that breathes life into the institution. I feel this sense is fostered, pushing students to strive to for education, rather than to strive for the end of exams, or the end of this essay, where students understand and believe in the merit of continual-learning. I intend to make NYU a force to be reckoned with, strengthening student ideology through sense of belonging and diversity. Not only can I bring distinctiveness from my culture, but diversity through my well traveled youth, following my father to his 19 countries of residence. Living in Oman, Sri Lanka and China has taught me the need for global belonging, and instituting already successful academic programs such as Britain and America's globally.

NYU's Liberal Arts Facebook page quotes Chinese proverb, "the man who removes a mountain begins with small stones", which reflects the colleges Community clubs and the diversity of student body, those drawn to sustainability join the bike-share program, others more concerned with community health the 'New York Cares' coat drive. Programs I initiated in my local community, such as Primary writing workshops and breakfasts at local underprivileged school, could be integrated into NYU's already outstanding service clubs, providing students with a way to start moving pebbles from their mountain.

Undergraduate / Writing, Enneads, Sandy Shores and Never Ending Learning - Brown Supplementary Questions [5]



Thank you both for your support, have actually revised all the answers bah the family which ill do right now! -- tell me if this kind of fixed the problem?

Why are you drawn to the area(s) of study you indicated in our Member Section, earlier in this application? If you are "undecided" or not sure which Brown concentrations match your interests, consider describing more generally the academic topics or modes of thought that engage you currently. (150-word limit)

Writing is more than a means to communicate, transporting readers to unobtainable places, creating burgeoning ideology, providing individuals the opportunity to perceive my perspective. I thrive on touching pen to paper, immortalizing my ideas, securing them on page . Writing for my High School publication, New Empire Times, exercised my growing appreciation for creative non-fiction and journalism. I was able to express my opinions, form debates and speak my mind openly. I welcome the ability for freedom of speech, and exercising my rights to advocate for my beliefs. However my passion is so deeply Creative writing, shadowing upcoming independent script writer Robert Mond immersed creative writing into my psyche. I contributed to scripts and editing the initial storyline, I found myself running away with the characters. Captivated by this ability I had discovered, My passion was reinforced when my edit was added to the script, and directed into the film.

Tell us where you have lived - and for how long - since you were born; whether you've always lived in the same place, or perhaps in a variety of places. (100-word limit)

Everywhere I have lived, I find a sandy shore, I am beckoned to it, whether it be the Oman Gulf, muggy tropics of Sri Lanka, dazzling seaside of Morocco, crisp British seas, or where I refer to as homeland, Australia. I have had the privilege of following my father, a nomadic telecommunications CEO around the globe. To date he has lived in 14 countries, by law I have never permanently resided in another country, however I do stay for extended periods, and travel regularly to see him. I have been to over 25 countries, calling 5 of them home.

Why Brown? (200-word limit)

"Study what he chose, all that he chose, and nothing but what he chose." Francis Wayland.
I've never only loved one subject, connecting the knowledge I gain in various disciplines has formed the foundation of my writing, my subject matter seem in the title polar opposites, only to read on and recognize the quirky connections formed. Brown's culture of nurturing and encouraging individual pursuits resonates my beliefs, allowing expression of my unique character through the masses of courses I can study. Be it, Favored novelists "Fitzgerald, Hemingway and the Lost Generation" or "Getting Emotional..passionate theories" Brown's course list enables a distinctive edge to my learning experience over other Colleges. Deepening my ability to source connections over varied content, and revolutionizing the way I study intellectual passions. I came across Professor Burrow's material "A Familiar Strangeness" during my college search, I was fascinated by the prospect and opinion of photographies aid in writing, realizing that not only peers, but faculty of Brown shared my approach to subject matter. I thoroughly believe that Brown's strong culture of individual curriculum and lifelong-education, in coalition with my academic approach and character is the quintessential choice, strengthening the colleges diversity of free thinking students.

Undergraduate / Contentment is not something to be sought out because it cannot be found. New Year's Eve; commonapp [3]

I have only read through it once, and My personal essay is similar in the way we don't directly explain a stock standard place, more of a metaphor persay, Ill read again and see what i get from it, but it is really well written for starters with limited grammatical errors that I could find initially

I'll be interested to see what others reply with,

I'm no pro but I really like it, its creative and from a somewhat different angle then the main bunch will be, !

Undergraduate / It's perfect union between my passions of biology and chemistry, and my passion for helping others [2]

Firstly, i really like that you got straight into the nitty gritty - dead bodies, I find this is well written, straight forwarded and easy to read,


maybe try

I remember when I was only 5 years old, hearing an ambulance rush past my house, I would tell my parents "One day, that's going to be my ambulance". I'm not sure what initially sparked my interest in medicine, all I know is that I've always yearned to be a doctor. Medicine encompasses my academic passions, biology and chemistry, alongside my passion for helping others and leaving a positive impact on the world.


?
The awe inspiring elegance, intricacy and genius in the human body's design captivated me.


Additionally, I had the opportunity to observe cadavers and determine their cause of death, which initially caused hesitations pertaining to the fact I had never seen a deceased human being in the flesh.



not only satisfying my constant thrive for challenge, but ( maybe add another point?)


Maybe instead of stating that yo have passions, state a few or allude to them !

Otherwise this is really we'll written ! :)

Undergraduate / Death or life, angels or power of demon cannot separate us, no - Cedarville University short essays [2]

I haven't finished reading, but from what i can its good - I will point out that I am not religious, so Im doing my best with what I know !

I'll start with Grammar,

You could try changing


to something more : From the moment of my creation, I adopted the Christian faith, following my parents principles.


I felt mindless, like a robot blindly following with the faintest spiritual connection to God, However this all changed when i attended a (what kind) christian camp, and participated in Heart coaching. I then found the heart of God, and he found me.


Though supposed I was supposed to be setting an example of Christian faith,

I don't know if it's how you would write, but maybe try adding some colour and differing sentence structures to your writing, give the admissions officers something they smile cant forget !

Maybe try and flesh out the first prompt too, decrease the length of those quotes, shorter quotes are more effective and maintain flow in the piece, which if lacking slightly at this point

Its a touching story, but what directly made you realise you were sinful, why are those specific quotes there? explain their inclusion like you would a route from a novel in an analytical essay


This skill proved imperative on my trip to India, where I was confronted directly by different religions and denominations different to my own.


My devotion kept me strong, and compassionate enabling me to feel comfortable and adjust to another culture, which made me realise how I am truly walking with God. How this compassion was given to me to deal with this situation, and my worship of God led to a greater understanding.

not entirely sure if you like these revisions, its just a guide, do revise the piece though, try to establish a clear point you are making and flow rather than a few sentences that prove your faith.

Undergraduate / Church. Just the hearing the word Church brings so much joy and happiness into my heart. [2]

This is really good at describing church and how you feel towards this environment.
I get from this essay that you were not outgoing as a child, and that church was a place for you to be quiet, it does show your dedicated and committed to your morals, and that you take enjoyment from the little things. You answered the prompt, but if you want to set yourself apart try answering another question in the essay as well, like how this place has shaped what you want to do with your future, or how this place has also shaped your choice of universtities (if your looking to attend religious colleges), why you would fit said universities,

It is a well written, although maybe look at changing :


Whenever I was stressed or encoutering hardships(good place to enter hardship), being at church and experiencing the serene environment would help dissolve the rest of my problems, I felt as if i'd been taken to another world.

Revise grammatical errors, maybe try re writing some sentences, other than that,

Maybe try using the world church less too, i understand this is the place your describing but it can be repetitive,

Undergraduate / Fitzgerald was my travel buddy - NYU supplemental essay prompt [8]

Ahh, yes i did sort of skip over dad there, Thanks a bunch for your help !!

Undergraduate / Fitzgerald was my travel buddy - NYU supplemental essay prompt [8]

Obviously this is incredibly rough because I just wrote it... but I'm going down this tangent now, is this any better?

AND yes i know i repeat community at least 50 times, but it was just to get the idea down - I will be changing it

Fitzgerald has written many bodies of work, 'The beautiful and the damned' is another source of liter sensation. I wish to compare my abilities I can offer NYU, too Fitzgerald's description of New York City.

Undergraduate / Fitzgerald was my travel buddy - NYU supplemental essay prompt [8]

Thank you, I think I'll scrap it and start again !