Undergraduate / "Jonathan, you're just not good enough" - Benchwarmer: The Power of Perseverance - Personal Essay [4]

Hello, this si my common app essay that I will be submitting to all my colleges. Please read it and give me feedback in regards to content and grammar. Is it good/sincere? I am applying to 4 ivy league schools, so I truly hope I can get good feedback on these essays. Thanks!

PROMPT: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Benchwarmer: The Power of Perseverance

"Jonathan, you're just not good enough."

When my coach blatantly refused my request to allow me to play, my prior confidence and enthusiastic spark were replaced by a deflating sense of hopelessness as I recognized my role as a benchwarmer during my first basketball game. Frankly, the traditional saying, "bench players are just as important as starters," never ameliorated my negative outlook of the bench. Soon enough, my sense of stoicism shattered and I faced a decision: quit or get better. Tired of my own excuses and motivated to disprove the doubts of my peers, I decided to persevere if only to prove to myself that I had what it took to become a starter.

The purchase of my LA Fitness membership signified my commitment to the decision. Soon after, my life could only be explained by the Nike slogan, "Eat. Sleep. Basketball." My days began at 4 am, with my hand languidly crawling to end "Get Lucky" by Daft Punk, followed by a trip to the gym before school, and ending with an aching hand repeatedly pounding the ball against the monotonous drum of the washing machine in the stone, cold basement floor. Messi probably felt the same when he said, "You always will have to fight to reach your dream; sacrifice and work hard for it." Hair disheveled and with one too many sprays of Axe: Apollo, my chances of attaining a girlfriend and popularity had all but vanished, but to me it was worth it.

As time passed, the fruit of my hard work began to bloom. My peers began to notice my improvement and soon enough, my coach allowed me to obtain more playing time. By the end of my Freshman season, I earned a place on the team as a starter and eventually was promoted to Junior Varsity. Yet through my success, I came to value a principle far more important: perseverance, even in the face of unachievable success. I realized that amidst my disappointment, the decision to persevere, the hope that I had a chance, was something I so desperately needed. Through the grit and sweat, my determination instilled values in me that have applied to many other facets of my life.

This mentality gave me the ability to continue to achieve amidst many obstacles. The year after, my life took a turn. In China, the school I attended was small and academically competitive. In an environment where a 4.0 GPA was unimpressive and where your SAT score decided your status, basketball-my icon of triumph-was equated with academic weakness. However, the values instilled within me from my experiences with basketball, inspired me to accept the challenge and develop an academic vitality. Thereafter, I began to focus on my studies with a determination second to none. It was this determination that allowed me to take six Advance Placement exams that year and achieve a high SAT score, all of which allowed me to enter the National Honors Society and achieve numerous other school honors. It was this determination that motivated me to achieve that which I never would have been able to dream.

Perhaps we have all faced decisions in our lives that have resulted in triumph and failure. However, one can never comprehend the power of perseverance without experiencing it personally. I know that the decision to persevere, was paramount to my understanding of finding success in life. Even though I may never be the best player or the smartest student, perseverance has reminded me of the power of pursuing a dream and the gifts that come with making sacrifices

Undergraduate / "Great East Japan Earthquake" - it changed the whole my life [4]

Hello, this essay is currently 500 words, but it needs to be shortened to 400. Also, does the content seem sincere? This is a true story and it is for my UC Berkeley application essay. All help is appreciated!

PROMPT: Describe the world you come from, and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Diligently writing Kanji-Japanese characters-I thought my teacher was joking when she abruptly began to pray. However, after hearing the Kumiko-san, our school principal, scream "get under your desks!" the ensuing chaos confirmed the urgency of the situation. Students flooded from their classes, ignoring the screams of teachers who told them to stay under their desks. Once outside, unnatural shifts in the ground as well as the explosions of buildings in the distance made me feel as though the world was truly ending. School buildings and apartment complexes throughout my city, were utterly destroyed. On the news tsunamis rose to record heights of over 100 feet, and nuclear factories experienced catastrophic meltdowns.

This was Japan on March 11th, 2011.

So we sought refuge in America. Returning from a decade of living in Japan, I felt as though my passport was the only proof of my American citizenship. Soon, I adjusted to my life in America and the reason I was there became just a memory. Spending time with friends who lived in large houses with fancy pools eventually led me to be embarrassed by my families low income. However, one day, after talking with one of my childhood friends in Japan, I was reminded of the earthquake. Of the children who are right now, orphans. Of the parents who right now, wake up everyday without their kids. Of the thousands dead and the countless crippled. I realized in shame, that although I did not have as much as those around me, I solely compared myself with those who had much than with those who lost much. This realization has helped reinforce a powerful principle for me: that we are always given more than we realize.

A motivation arose within me, one that inspired me to help those in need-people who live in poverty and pain. This led me to strive for and eventually become president of a non-charity organization known as Christ In Today, which has financially supported various minority groups across China. However, as I move on to college I hope to pursue a career where I will be allowed to further provide monetary and social help to the destitute. My utmost desire would be to make a difference in the lives of those who need it most, all while providing that which I have been gracefully bestowed: a thankful heart. Although many people tell me that my aspirations for a lifestyle dictated by the needs of others lack comfort and wealth, I believe that it is a cause worth living for, and no amount of doubt will change that.

Although the "Great East Japan Earthquake" has given the country of Japan much pain, personally, I know that if I had not experienced the earthquake, then I would be a very different person than I am today. Thus, it is because of the most disastrous event in the history of Japan that I have been given the most wonderful gift known to man: a desire to change the lives of those who need it most.

Undergraduate / Stanford Short Question (50 word) "What is the most significant challenge that society faces today" [3]

Hello, I just need some help with this Short Question. I've read many critics talk about answers to this particular question and so I molded my answer in response to their advice. It seems that the general consensus is not to write about something too general or large such as "World Hunger" or "Governmental Corruption" because it often shows ignorance concerning the topic and is cliche. Thus I have written these two answers because they are not cliche topics and are genuine concerns of mine. Please give me advice on them concerning the grammar, depth, and informativeness of them regarding who I am. And keep in mind that I can only choose one of them and that both are within the 50 word range. Thank you so much for taking the time for answering if you do!

1.
The presumption that doing anything by oneself must require a phone in order to seem less embarrassing or awkward. In this day and age, even routine actions such as walking or eating necessitate the use of a phone to alleviate the self-conscious idea that doing something alone is embarrassing.

2.
That many cultural cleavages such as the dissension between South Koreans and North Koreans or Chinese and Japanese still exist today. Moreover, the generations without a historical basis for their contempt fail to scrutinize their reason for their hate which not only hampers cultural harmony, but prevents synergy.

Just to give you background I am Korean but have American citizenship and lived in Japan for 10 years and am now living in China for 3 years before I graduate and go back to the states.