Posts by Lynn88Mr

Lynn88Mr

Mar 7, 2016

Scholarship / 'wet processing technology' - My study plan for chinese government scholarship program 2016 [3]

Hi Shehad. Before I comment on your article, can you state any requirement that the scholarship want in your study plan? Because it seems to me that your are mainly listing out every subject that you have learnt when in fact your transcript has already filled with the details. Try to describe more on your research projects and the works that you have in the first paragraph and how it leads you to choose your master's degree major. Start talking on your detail study plan on the second paragraph and what you hope to achieve in every semester. Maybe you can make one paragraph for each semester's plan. This is my general idea as I do not know the required points for the study plan of this scholarship.

I believe there is a lot to improve on your grammar and sentence construction. Try to re-read and revise back your sentences. I realized you tend to make long sentences in your essay and longer sentences would invite more grammar mistake. Try to use simple sentences if you are weak in English. It will take a bit of time for me to read again and improving your grammar. I will try to post another message with the correction after you provide the requirement of the scholarship for your study plan. Good luck!

Lynn88Mr

Mar 7, 2016

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: the statement that teenagers nowadays do not spend enough time in helping their communities. [2]

Hi Menglu. I think you have enough points in elaborating your essay. However, I believe you should change your introduction as the introduction itself is full with the reasons for teenagers didn't contribute much in community volunteer. Try to elaborate more on what is a community helping and what sort of activities can be done by the community. Then, try to relate this points with the lack of teenagers involvement in this activity. For example, "although there is a lot of fun activities and achievements in community volunteer, these activities mainly involve adults and elderly. There is a lack of involvement from the teenagers and younger generations." Then, state your reasons one by one in a separate paragraph. Hope this will help. ^^

Lynn88Mr

Mar 7, 2016

Letters / Undergraduate motivation letter to state my interest to apply for Bachelor in industrial engineering [8]

Hi. I think your essay is enough as it shows how passionate are you to pursue industrial engineering. Maybe you could elaborate more on your achievements in science subjects such as chemistry and physics. Industrial engineering is focusing mostly based on these two subjects with an addition of mathematics. Try to elaborate more on what skills you have acquired during the lessons and lab session of these subjects in schools. You may include your achievement as a debater but it might not related much to the major. Please watch out for your grammar. Try to avoid using bombastic words and long sentences as the longer your sentences are, there will be more grammar mistakes. That's all from me. Good luck ! ^^

Lynn88Mr

Mar 7, 2016

Graduate / Texas State university; Nurse Practitioner Entrance Essay - It takes a lot of confidence... [2]

Hi Divina. I really enjoyed reading your essay. However, I realized you are mainly focusing on yourself instead of answering the three main questions from the requirements. The committee want to know whether you are having the right skill and knowledge to pursue a master degree and whether you are aware of the current issues in the Advance Nurse Practice field. I believe you have to support your statements by citing a source from journals or textbooks as they need you to write in APA 6th Edition.

You need to define the first question in your point of view and explain further on what you know about the topic. Next, try to elaborate your essay more for the second and third questions by giving specific details on the issue and you specific plan after obtaining the degree. For example, the organization that you wish to involve with or your improvement plan in your current workplace. These points will show your skills and knowledge as the right candidates for the course. Be more specific instead of explain in general term since a master degree will help you to upgrade your knowledge and skills in details. Then, for the last paragraph, you can explain the reasons why you are the suitable candidate for this course and what had inspired you in choosing this major.

I think that's all for my part. I hope this will help you a little bit to get some idea on how to construct your essay. Good luck ! ^^

Lynn88Mr

Mar 7, 2016

Scholarship / My passion is to entertain - KGSP 2016 letter of self introduction [4]

Hi Cynthia. I am also one of the KGSP candidates. Let me try to correct you as best as I can. First of all, your introduction didn't match with the rest of the essays. You talked on how curiosity had help you to study but how is it related to the major that you choose and want to choose? Maybe you can talk in your introduction about a film or a situation that had inspired you in choosing English as your undergraduate major and try to develop your essay until you can related to the current major that you want to choose.

As I was improving your grammar, I realized that there is no flow between one paragraph to another. You should talk on your major first before talking on the play that you were involved in since it was a part of your major. Then, talk about your volunteer works and your achievement before stating about internship and your graduation how all of these points has lead you in choosing theater and film as your master's degree. Try to write as you are telling a story or as you try to make a movie. Right now, if I can relate your essay with a movie, it is like the beginning of your movie doesn't relate much to the rest of the movie. You can also make you essay into 4 paragraphs with each paragraph for each requirement. Hope this will help you. Good luck ! ^^ Oh, try to avoid repeating your points several time in the essay.

Lynn88Mr

Mar 6, 2016

Scholarship / The one advantage that stands the test of time...is people. KGSP Study plan; Business Administration [7]

Hi Ahlem. I''m glad to found one of the candidates for the same scholarship. However, I think your introduction is a bit long and out of the track from the requirement that they need but I did think you had a good the goal of study. However, your study plan was not detail enough. Maybe you can describe in detail what do you expect to do and achieve in each semester. The selection committee want to know whether you had enough skills and knowledge to pursue the master's degree. This section will give you the chance to do so. I cannot give you much on the detail since our field is different but I hope my information could help you a bit. Good Luck ! ^_^

Lynn88Mr

Mar 2, 2016

Writing Feedback / Working as a receptionist at hotel [5]

Hi. To begin your introduction on this report, you could start introduce the tourism industry and the importance of English as the international language to the industry. Focus more on the reasons you choose to do internship in the tourism industry particularly a hotel receptionist although you are an English major student. Elaborate a bit on how your major has help you to complete your internship. Hope this will help. ood luck ! ^^

Lynn88Mr

Mar 2, 2016

Scholarship / I have decided to apply for KGSP scholarship for a doctorate degree through Korean embassy; LETTER [4]

Hi Ivy. Thank you for your comments on my essay. I didn't mention my goal or plan after finishing the program in this part because there is another part that is provided for the candidates to elaborate more about their detail plans after the program. That's why I just mention it briefly in this section. I definitely need to polish my choice of words as I also realized I keep on using the same word a few times in the essay. Is there anything that I need to improve on my grammar? I'm thinking of mentioning my English ability in this section since I didn't have time to take IELTS. What do you think on my English language since I am not a native speaker? Thank you... ^^

Lynn88Mr

Mar 2, 2016

Essays / How should I start my scholarship essay? HSBC Business School China [5]

Can you explain a little bit more on the study course that you want to apply? It's a bit hard to help if we didn't know your major, your goal for applying the scholarship and your ambition. Which scholarship did you apply?

In general, I think they want to know:
- the reasons you want to apply for the scholarship and how it can help you in your study.
- The circumstances or situations that lead you to choose the interested major
- the motivation that helps you to choose the desired major
- what or who inspired you to choose the major and how this will help you in your future career

This is only my opinion. I can't provide much help unless you provide a little more information from your side. Thank you.

Lynn88Mr

Mar 2, 2016

Writing Feedback / Contributions of scientists and artists to society - comparison [4]

Hi, you write very well for a 30 minutes essay. I believe you should have a balance points when comparing between two different sides or fields. It will make your essay easy to read and will gain much interest from the reader. Explain a little bit more on the artist that has portrayed the evolution of the technology, morality, and war in their painting and how these kind of painting had inspired people to keep on living during the hard times.

That's all from me... !! Good job though. ^^

Lynn88Mr

Mar 2, 2016

Writing Feedback / Most governments allocate a considerable portion of their budget on space exploration. [2]

Considering this is an essay for undergraduate student, it is pretty much shorter than what I had expected. Is there any limitation to the length of the essay or words? If none, you should consider to make the essay a bit lengthy. You can add another one or two points with supporting facts and examples. Please elaborate more on your second point which is on public infrastructure.

Improvisation:

1) ... needs on Earth~~.I feel this way~~ because of the two ... the following ~~essay~~paragraphs .

2) ... development of its people by providing free education, monthly allowance for student and providing jobs with suitable wages for the citizens. This is just my opinion. You can add any other point that you like.

For the conclusion, add one or two points on your hope or what you wish the government would do. For example, "The government should understand the needs of its people and the actions that they need to take in order to improve the living conditions of its people. Although exploring the outer space can give the government a valuable knowledge, the prime responsibility for the government is to the serve its people and ensure their well beings".

I hope these information will help you. ^_^

Lynn88Mr

Mar 2, 2016

Writing Feedback / ISSUE OF IMPORTANCE - UT APP ESSAY; Our failing education system! [2]

Hi. You have such an interesting essay. In this type of essay where you would state facts and examples, I believe you should avoid referring or giving examples about yourself. Avoid the use of "I" in the sentences. Instead, use general terms like you did in the rest of the paragraphs. Try to make similar number of sentences in each paragraph. It will look much more balance that way and your essay will look good to be read.

1)Although, the American Government has implemented the No Child Left Behind Act, the trend of failing students still causes many to be left uneducated, unemployed, and impoverished. - there's no comma after the words "although".

2) Without educated people, T the United States will begin to lack innovators and leaders. Thus, this will cause~~causing~~ problems in our upcoming society and economy.

3) ~~Because there is~~Due to a vast amount of information to learn from a wide variety of subjects with so little time to prepare...

With this little information, I hope it will help you to improvise your essay. ^^

Lynn88Mr

Mar 2, 2016

Writing Feedback / The importance and meaning of international education - avoiding conflicts between people [2]

Hi. From your title, I believe your essay has deviated from the main point which is how education can be utilized to avoid conflicts between people. From what I read, the essay mostly contain the reasons why people should have education. The examples you had given also didn't relate much with the topic. To do the essay, you should have an introduction, three main points or more with examples and a conclusion. In general, you will have at least five paragraphs in total. Try to avoid the usage of (!) in your sentences.

-First paragraph: maybe you can start by giving the definition of education and how people can obtain education
-Second, third and fourth paragraphs: state the main point and give examples. For example: With education, conflicts between people can be avoided by researching and exploring new options to solve the problems people will likely face.

-Conclusion: Conclude all the main points you have mentioned and the hope that you have.

I cannot comment much on your grammar but please stop using so much comma in your sentences. If it long enough, end your sentence. Use "furthermore, besides, in addition, moreover, however and etc" to help you link your new sentences with the previous one.

Lynn88Mr

Mar 2, 2016

Undergraduate / Description of my interests and background in science and mathematics (Columbia Univ. Sci. Program) [3]

Hi. From your post, I can see that you are an excellent student and willing to work hard to achieve your dream. However, I cannot understand the need of taking the AP chemistry and biology if you are interested computer engineering. Although I am not taking this major, I believe Biology doesn't have anything to do with the major you want to choose and it may be involve only a little bit of chemistry. In general, computer engineering will involve mostly on the techniques of improvising the current computer software or maybe learn on how to create a new software for an internet or bank security system and these will involve a lot of codes and mathematics. The main subjects for this major are mathematics and physics. In my opinion, you should think carefully and look at the requirements that are needed for the interested major. Maybe you should explore other engineering fields such as biomedical engineering or chemical engineering and try to compare with the major that you choose. You will have widen insight if you started comparing and making plans for college.

Lynn88Mr

Mar 2, 2016

Scholarship / I have decided to apply for KGSP scholarship for a doctorate degree through Korean embassy; LETTER [4]

Hi guys. So, I have decided to apply for KGSP scholarship for a doctorate degree through Korean embassy and need to write a self-introductory. While searching for an example, I have come across this website and thought the members can help me to critics and give a review on my introduction. I need to include the points below in my letter. The limit is one page.

Here it goes. Please comments and point out things that I can improve.

My Study and Korean Embassy Letter

Growing up as the eldest and the only daughter to an Islamic judge and a high school teacher, I was always taught to be responsible for my siblings and concern about the others' being. However, socializing around my families, cousins and friends made me realized there is a little ignorance on the issue of environmental care and how it can affect human's well being. I have seen my close family threw garbage into the river without hesitation, burnt plastic materials into the open air and throw small pieces of trash on the road during a drive. Since then, environmental issues and it's relation with human's health has always been my passion. I was determined to at least educate my family about these issues and make them realize their small actions sometimes will lead to a big impact on environment and their own health.

This passion of mine has leaded me to choose Biomedical Science as my major during undergraduate study. This course had taught me the way human's body works and the way it will be affected with any foreign material, either internally or externally. During my final year in this major, I had chosen Industrial Health as my minor. We were being exposed to the reality of the working world and the way these jobs will affect the environment and the well being of the workers, especially one working with heavy and commercial industries. After graduation, I had worked as hearing consultant at the branch in my hometown for six months. Although it was only for a short time and not really related to my field, I was taught on how to interact with the customers, my colleagues, and the senior executives in the company. I believe communication is important in any field and in any situation, formal or informal.

I had to quit my job as I got the offer to continue my study in Master of Engineering (Safety, Health and Environment). Since the beginning of my master's degree, I had a keen interest in Air Quality especially when I realized I am always stay indoor when at home or working and the indoor air is closely affected with the air from outdoor. Therefore, I made my mind and did a research project on Indoor Air Quality in work place. Doing the project has made me grasped that there is so much to explore in Air Quality field and I worked really hard to complete the project by staying overtime in the laboratory and attended a workshop to understand the equipment that I used to analyze the samples. Although I had completed the project, I literally realized it was still lacking in many parts especially the methodology and the analysis of the results. Besides, I had found that I can learn new things while doing research especially during the period of literature review. Furthermore, the haze episodes last year kept me in concern with Malaysia's current air quality state and how Malaysia is still lacking in the air quality research. These reasons have leaded me to make a decision to continue doing research in Air Quality and its relation to the public's heath by pursuing a doctorate degree.

I had first discovered about Korea when I was introduced to a boy band in 2006 and fall in love with the language through the songs. Since then, I keep on grasping the Korean language through songs, dramas and variety shows. Thanks to that, I can read simple Korean sentences and speak basic conversation by self-learning though there are still a lot more to learn especially when it comes to grammar and making proper sentences which have motivated me to choose this program to further my study. I believe Korean Government Scholarship Program will give me the opportunity to work closely with the top researchers in the related field especially after I had discover there are many articles published by Korean universities when doing literature review and the number has been increasing in environmental health especially in Air Quality field. Besides, with the advancement of technology Korea has achieved, there is always an opportunity to discover new methodology or improvising the current methodology related to the field. I am also amazed with Korean culture daily and working lifestyle especially when it's come to respecting elders and seniors and sincerely hope I can learn something from this lifestyle to be a better person. I also hope by completing a doctorate degree, I can use the knowledge that I had acquired to help people understand better of the current state of our environment, how it can affect our health, and things that can be done to improve our health and environment. The ultimate goal that I have is to continue doing research in any organization related to environmental issues for the sake of human's health and future.

Thank you in advance for your critics.