Writing Feedback / IELTS - Technological advances in learning methods [3]

hi zarnovi

paragraph 1
I would argue that directly attendattending the general lecture directly will deliver much more benefits.

paragraph 2
On one hand, viewing lectures via internet its becomes more efficient and effective since it was is portableeasy to access everywhere.
... to assist student in self study practice, wherewhich students can ...
... for example, students obtain to have instant solutions towards their problems in understanding the study materials,.itsit is related to online learning that provides the access to all resources of traditional course and ableallows us to attend in different courses.

... students learn how to make friends, to be patient, and especially to compete.

paragraph 3
Class attendance havehas variety of ways to facilitate learning practice.

Firstly, many studentshadhave already understandunderstood the materials whether from internet or online access, behalf attending the class , instructor may go over (...) that apprentices hashave never seen before.

Secondly, classroom environment provides a discussion among the pupils, which countereds teacher with questions to enhance critical thinking skills. Finally, participating in class increases personal development of the pupils,wherewhich they can interact (...) to form study groups, or meet other students in related major.

comments :
your sentence structure does not clearly point out what you really mean.
you have to learn how to use appositive in order to modify the main point.
make sure you recognize the word classification (verb transitive, verb intransitive, noun, adjective and adverb) before starting to write.
re-learnt any functions of adjective clause conjunction. (who/that/which/where/when)
problems with singular and plural frequently occur, so you need to be more careful when writing.

In conclusion, online learning should be seen due toas something that provides studentsin a way of efficiency, effectiveness, and other merits regradingregarding students' self- study assistance. However, I would suggest that participateing in the class gives more advantages to student with the facility which does not exist by online learning.

comments :
task response : i think you've answered all of the task required.
coherence and cohesion : enough. but you need to explore more about using linking words as well as developing your idea more. go online and try to find some specific data needed, so your supporting idea will be rich.

nice try.
keep writing dude! -)

Writing Feedback / "Choosing between a house and a business" - TOEFL Essay [4]

hi buddy...

paragraph 1 :
Clearly, being a business investor costs us nothing.
... our money without knowing that if / (whether = more appropriate in writing) it is profitable or not.
These company(ies) insure our money, and if we lose any, they are certain to give it back to us.
Furthermore, investing in a business createsgives us a chance for us to accumulate wealth.
comment : i don't really get your point. i think you need to start with a main idea, then followed by supporting idea. don't jump from one idea to another.

paragraph 2
In the second place, self-perfection is what I put in my priority in .
We have to understand every company members and involve them to work together in athe same work. (what do you mean with the same work? is it the same portion of work or the same kind of work or what?)

Therefore, this is one of the best ways to develop leadership skill. On the other hand, the possession offounding / establishing / setting up a company requires ...

Sometimes, there is likelihood that we have to do take feedback of ...
Without no doubt, this really helps us to accumulate ...

paragraph 3
First and foremost, what I put in my priority is life essential . It is common knowledge that owing a house showrepresentsthe responsibility of usour responsibility with our family.

More notably, having a house brings you the necessary privacy.
We are likely to free to do the things we like.
comment :
be careful with singular and plural.
structuring a sentence is your biggest problem. as i see that you translate the sentences directly from your mother language. it will sometimes be uncommon in English. so i doubt that your meaning is not appropriately same with what readers capture.

paragraph 4
In the second place, reliable investment is what I put in my priority in . Clearly, being a house buyer is no risky.buying a house has no risk. Our possessionsownership isare protected by the law.

It is possible for us to createbe wealthywithby house trading.

i hope it is useful.thank you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - minimalize car usage, why and how? [5]

paragraph 1
Demanding on car is commonly happeneds in society for several reasons, such as for daily basis, making impact in community, and some business needs.
i don't understand with a phrase making impact
While people rely on thesetheir vehicles, i utterly convince that the uncontrollable number of car usedusage will give a vital problem, especially for traffic congestion.

paragraph 2
The immense crucial impact that is caused by highly number of car transport is traffic stagnancy.
This is related to the road which is unable to accommodate many cars. This is exemplified by 10% of rising per year for the number of car10% of rising number of car per year , in India, according to Mumbai University Assessment. This research predicts :, if the increasing trend is remaineds stable for 10 years ahead, it will be possible when people comes out of the house, they will immediately see traffic in front of their home. In the long-run, the traffic shutdown is expected to come about as the number of vehicle miles traveled continues to grow.

paragraph 3
Public transportation is the worth idea to combat against the number of vehicles on the road and vehicle miles traveled.
does the sentence below support (or opposes)?
Thus, where massive transportation is available, it makes roads work better.
what idea do you really want to state?
... it was reveal that 10% of car users who move into public transport can absorb (...) transportation systems which government need to spentd specific huge amount of budget for this solution.

paragraph 4
To sum up, although some say using car is highly probablelikely makes our life easier,

Writing Feedback / Parents less skilled, but are the best teacher, agree or disagree? [5]

hi, zaki..

what kind of essay is this?
if it is ielts writing task 2. you need to write task clearly, so we can easily correct your essay.

paragraph 1:
Each person has their own opinion about whether parents are the best teacher or not.
... parents are the best teachers , because I believe some factors make them are the best .
comments :
the comma (in the last sentence is not necessary)
sub-clause (because....) is not proper.
it is better :"i agree with the idea that parents are the best teachers due to some factors"

paragraph 2 :
On the other hand I agree that parents are the best teacher in order to teach daily life activity . For example when I was a kid,(comma is necessary) my parents teachtaught me how to pray, how to take ...

comments :
1. punctuation
you have to learn how to use comma.
2. on the other hand is used to show something in the opposite (idea / opinion / statement). you don't use it properly.
3. when i was kid = past event as a sub-clause. so does the main clause, my parents taught me...
4. your idea is not well-organized. to write the paragraph, at least you have to follow the pattern : idea-reason-example-result. explain to the reader what the cohesion of teaching how to do your daily activities with your future is!

paragraph 3
However, there are some reasons againtsagainstthe previous idea.
In any case, parents usually can only present only viewpoints of the world, while good teaching ...
Secondly, parents can be a negative impact to children and some parents also teach children how to commit crimeengage in a crime . Many incidents show that children will be a thief if they see their parents are thief thieves.

comments :
1. both your ideas and structures are messed up. so, my advice is "read more English articles. or newspapers and magazines in english!"
2. word choices. before you use a specific word in your writing, you need to ensure whether the word is proper (or not).
3. countable noun. a singular noun should have at least an article (a/an/the).

paragraph 4
In conclusion, the things we learn from our parents are important to our lives ...

comments :
since i don't know what the task or purpose of this essay is, i don't know if it is right or wrong, proper or not.

but, generally speaking, your conclusion does not represent the ideas you mention above.
if it is an IELTS writing task 2, it is less than 250. so you might be in trouble.

keep writing and learn more as i advise you to do. -)

Writing Feedback / Each househole and family produces a large amount of rubbish every week [IELTS] [5]

paragraph 1
househole = household (typo)
... from the things we buy = it would be best replaced by "products"
we buy fesh food = fresh (typo)

comments :
1. try to avoid typo, so watch out your spelling. it seems trivial, but if you do it many times, it will not be any good.

2. i do not see any thesis statement in your intro. try to answer the question in general and put it on the intro paragraph, so readers will know what you will discuss.

3. paragraphing
group the idea and organize the paragraph well. i don't see good paragraphing here, you jump from one idea to another idea.
make, at least, 2 full body paragraphs properly!

....Children should get educated...... replaced = "be"

comments :
4. you don't answer all of the questions.
"... reduce the amount of rubbish produced?", this question is not answered in detail.

advice : you don't need to write directly, carefully concept and plan the idea first!, then write.