Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Llamapoop123
Joined: Aug 6, 2009
Last Post: Nov 13, 2013
Threads: 7
Posts: 442  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 449 / page 12 of 12
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Llamapoop123   
Aug 6, 2009
Undergraduate / A valid idea? [CommonApp Essay] [5]

Remember to focus on how this experience changed you. Don't write about how sad you are for the ppl who suffered there or something that effected you emotionally. Don't write about how sad it made you. Be careful because if you decide to tell a story of your first person experience, make it captivating.

good luck
Llamapoop123   
Aug 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Stuck on UC prompt, there is nothing really exciting in my life.. [15]

lol
Your sentence structure is flawed. For example your second sentence. Your tenses need work. Following your passions.
Your grammer mistakes are numerous so I won't go into detail there.
Avoid useless sentences such as "There were so many choices out there."
It seems to me that your essay is unfocused.

"Swadhyay is a huge part of my world because it made me more knowledgeable about my culture and heritage."
These broad statements are unwise.

"Being in Swadhyay and with the help of my family, I am able to achieve my aspirations of becoming a better student and more knowledgeable about my culture. With the help of my parents, I am able to find more opportunities that will lead me to my career goal.

With these teachings, I am able to reach my goals and aspirations successfully."

Your whole essay is really broad. Your only focused example is "I learned that the reason women put bindis on their head is for praying our intellect and we pray Lord Ganesh to remove our obstacles in our life." And you never show why this is important.

Your example talking about how your friends all are affected by each others choices should cite a specific incident.

Overall...I don't know. A major problem I have with your writing is your writing itself. It is far to0 immature. Develope a writing style.

Sorry for the criticism but it's what I really think.

1) Organize your thoughts so that your two paragraphs don't have choppy transitions.

2) Your writing must flow better.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 6, 2009
Undergraduate / A handwritten letter describing my family and educational ambitions - admission [11]

Yes it's always about you. Although don't do the "My family has always supported me" thing. Also don't make it sound choppy like "My family is..." so "therefore i am...". If your family has affected your educational ambitions it would be a great way to combine the two topics and make your essay more fluent insead of devoting a paragraph to your family and then another to educational ambitions. Watch out for transitions. Also don't leave out EXAMPLES of why your family is like what it's like and also why your educational ambitions are what they are. I don't know how long this essay is supposed to be but good luck
Llamapoop123   
Aug 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Who or what had an influence on you - about the common application essay [5]

Well lets look at your intro:
"There are many people in our lives who influence the world around them and alter the course of history. Lord Wellington was among them; he was a great British general that led the European coalition to victory during the Napoleonic Wars. He was as talented as a tactician as he was as a politician, a person who possessed all the necessary attributes to become a global leader. It was he who changed the way I perceived the world. His influence on me was significant, to the extent that I aspired to become like him."

Your first sentence is broad and unnecessary. Get to the point. The last sentence has to be reworded. I'm not sure if an intro to the historical figure's traits is wise because these things can be easily molded into the rest of your essay more fluently.

"Although the whole series mainly consists of Sharpe's perspective and experiences of the wars in Europe and India, the novel does offer some insights into Lord Wellington's personality and attributes."

Is not a good sentence. You have no need to state that the whole series does not concentrate on Lord Wellington.

I do not think that you need to cite things like: Well...this book say that Lord Wellington was great. or my history teacher said he was a hero...

Just plainly say that he is all those things.

Overall, BEWARE, your entire essay looks like a term paper. The readers attention span is limited. Also end your essay with a better conclusion.

(The essay doesn't suck, I'm just pointing out negative aspects.)
Llamapoop123   
Aug 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]

I agree, your intro has to go. The transitions between your three traits are quite shakey. Sentences like this "I always completed my goals, making sure they were finished to my satisfaction." don't contribute. It seems to me that your essay is not fluent. Many of your sentences can be combined and rewritten to reduce boredom.

Post a new one.
good luck
Llamapoop123   
Aug 6, 2009
Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]

Any suggestions would be very much appreciated

As I pulled in to the parking lot of the Delonis center I knew immediately that this was not the place I wanted to be. Men and women in tattered clothing sporting lit cigarettes surrounded me, faces lined and scarred. Nevertheless, I ventured from the apparent safety of my car and into the building. My supervisor, Scott, eagerly greeted me as he briefed me on my tasks. I was to work with other volunteers to make dinner for more than one hundred homeless people that afternoon. This was my first volunteer experience.

My surprise came when Scott announced that we would be attempting create a chicken casserole, baked beans, and steamed broccoli. I could not connect homeless people with to this assortment of foods. The homeless were just a hopeless, abnormal group to me. Surely something simple like a hot dog or some rice would be sufficient. After all, shouldn't homeless people be satisfied with anything in their stomach?

When the serving shift had started I was filled with nothing but apprehension. Interaction with the homeless was unavoidable. I lined up to serve the coming customers. It was then that I noticed how ordinary and sociable these people were. Some asked for more broccolis, less chicken, more salad etc. One man asked me about my Star Trek hat since he too was a fan of Star Trek. In that instance I immediately gave the homeless respect for there social differences.

Furthermore, from a homeless perspective, I would want my differences to shine at the University of Michigan. Perhaps my ability to speak and write Mandarin will be of service to some, or maybe playing the piano will enliven somebody's mood.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Describe a setback. How you resolved it. How it effected you. [11]

So yeah, this is my essay for the Michigan Setback 500 word essay.
I'd be really thankful if you guys could give me some feedback.

A Note.

Each key plummeted as though self-propelled, irrepressible. Each note echoed through the dark room. Each error seemed to linger, and any break in the music would be fatal. A man sat beside me with a clipboard on his lap, his hand curved around a thin dark pen; these items unnerved me to the point of utter desperation. They were the testament, the judges of my skill. Even so, I persisted through the piece; eager to navigate this labyrinth of black and white; the colors that have defined nine years of my life. Nine years of crawling through arpeggios and stumbling on chords. I had finally gotten to the note. The note that would decide, the key that seemed would judge the entirety of my musical skill. It was wrong.

I was violently ripped into consciousness, as the wrong sound cracked as though from a gun. Now sitting in a cramped study room I waited. A thin lady with square glasses raised her head in what seemed like hours, her face unforgiving and lined with agitation. I braced for the confrontation that would surely follow. The lecture that I would soon be listening to would be vicious and unrelenting. The wrong note had appeared again. I had once again failed to impress my teacher. After receiving that remarkable mental thrashing I staggered home drowned in somber defeat. Slamming the front door, I quickly climbed onto my bed, unable to recount the day's events.

The next day, I sat with my hands resting on the faded white of my piano. As I scanned the butchered, abused music score I saw the note again diverting my attention, mocking my determination. I decided to lay waste to its attempts to foil my proficiency. I practiced. I practiced for the betterment of my piano teacher so that she would feel at rest when I played the piece before my judge. I practiced for the benefit of my parents who I needed to improve for. Yet I was constantly unsatisfied. Piano had become an obstacle to overcome.

I played the piano more and more each day, slowly reducing time for other activities. My friends left one by one, irritated by my lack of time. I explained again and again that I had to please my piano teacher in order to have free time. I clarified that I needed a certain amount of hours of practice. One of them scoffed at me and told me harshly that my piano wasn't made for my teacher to play. Piano was my hobby, yet I had never practiced for my own satisfaction. I finally understood that I had never been successful because of this.

I eyed the man with the clipboard and pen. My fingers sprang into a lively movement. A melodious tune emerged from the keyboard. The music was under my own control at last. I became more confident with each note. This was a confidence that I would exhibit in my future activities. I no longer bore the task of meeting the expectations of others. I came to enjoy the music I had been producing for half my life.

Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳