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How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan)


Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 6, 2009   #1
Any suggestions would be very much appreciated

As I pulled in to the parking lot of the Delonis center I knew immediately that this was not the place I wanted to be. Men and women in tattered clothing sporting lit cigarettes surrounded me, faces lined and scarred. Nevertheless, I ventured from the apparent safety of my car and into the building. My supervisor, Scott, eagerly greeted me as he briefed me on my tasks. I was to work with other volunteers to make dinner for more than one hundred homeless people that afternoon. This was my first volunteer experience.

My surprise came when Scott announced that we would be attempting create a chicken casserole, baked beans, and steamed broccoli. I could not connect homeless people with to this assortment of foods. The homeless were just a hopeless, abnormal group to me. Surely something simple like a hot dog or some rice would be sufficient. After all, shouldn't homeless people be satisfied with anything in their stomach?

When the serving shift had started I was filled with nothing but apprehension. Interaction with the homeless was unavoidable. I lined up to serve the coming customers. It was then that I noticed how ordinary and sociable these people were. Some asked for more broccolis, less chicken, more salad etc. One man asked me about my Star Trek hat since he too was a fan of Star Trek. In that instance I immediately gave the homeless respect for there social differences.

Furthermore, from a homeless perspective, I would want my differences to shine at the University of Michigan. Perhaps my ability to speak and write Mandarin will be of service to some, or maybe playing the piano will enliven somebody's mood.
elainedlcruz 11 / 25  
Aug 6, 2009   #2
Hi

Some of the sentences are too long. You may want to out in punctuations like comma to make it more understandable.

Example,

As I pulled in to the parking lot of the Delonis center, I knew immediately that this was not the place I wanted to be.

You may want to paraphrase this one

"I could not associate homeless people with this variety of foods.
OP Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 6, 2009   #3
Thanks for the comments, I'll change the mistakes you pointed out when I get some more advice. Also I hope the content is ok.
tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 6, 2009   #4
Men and women in tattered clothing sporting lit cigarettes surrounded me,(this 2nd part of this sentence is a dependent clause, therefore you use a comma) faces lined and scarred.

My surprise came when Scott announced that we would be attempting to make a chicken casserole, baked beans, and steamed broccoli. I could not connect homeless people with to? (i think this word is right) this assortment of foods.

When the serving shift had started I was filled with nothing but apprehension. Interaction with the homeless was unavoidable.
Some asked for more broccolis , less chicken, and more salad etc .(using etc. in a formal essay, isnt that great). One man asked me about my Star Trek hat since he too was a fan of Star Trek fan (dont use the passive voice). In that instance I immediately gave the homeless respect for there social differences (what does this even mean? lol i think you should say this better is what im trying to say).

(...) or maybe playing the piano will enliven somebody's mood.Encouraging my differences is my goal at the University of Michigan. (you sorta alreaDY Said this in the 1st sentence >.< so you may want to end with something different. some 'food for thought' lol)

i like the essay overall though. good to see your transition. i would have never thought to write about this topic either.

good luck!

AHH!! the poster b4 me, did paraphrase that sentence. use that!!!
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 6, 2009   #5
I like the emotional honesty of this piece. You admit your previous prejudices freely and describe the circumstances that led you to abandon them.

Watch out for homonym errors: You use "there" when you mean "their."
OP Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 6, 2009   #6
Thanks all for the comments.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 6, 2009   #7
My surprise came when Scott announced that we would be attempting a chicken casserole, baked beans, and steamed broccoli. I could not connect homeless people with this assortment of foods. The homeless were just a hopeless, abnormal group to me. Surely something simple like a hot dog or some rice would be sufficient. After all, shouldn't homeless people be satisfied with anything in their stomach?

^Scott surprisingly announced that we were to make a chicken casserole, baked beans and steam broccoli.
I could not make a connection between this assortment of foods and the homeless people.

*Your third sentence is quite controversial. If you had this idea, that they are hopeless, why did you want to do volunteer work to help them in the first place?

Your planning seems a bit unclear..

I lined up to serve the coming customers.

^The homeless do not have money to buy. They are not customers. Also, as this is volunteer work for the homeless, the word 'customers' is wrong.

Some asked for more broccolis, less chicken, more salad etc. One man asked me about my Star Trek hat since he too was a fan of Star Trek. In that instance I immediately gave the homeless respect for there social differences.

Asking for different serving sizes is ordinary I guess. But is it 'sociable'?
Also, you instantly respected the homeless, just because one man liked Star Trek just as you did? That is interesting. Because one man had a mutual interest, you decided to respect his entire socioeconomic class. That is interesting.

Furthermore, from a homeless perspective, I would want my differences to shine at the University of Michigan. Perhaps my ability to speak and write Mandarin will be of service to some, or maybe playing the piano will enliven somebody's mood. Encouraging my differences is my goal at the University of Michigan.

^Your ending is quite ineffective. What is the homeless perspective? What differences are we talking here? I am led to believe that you are, seeing as how you mentioned 'homeless', your socioeconomic class? You then go on to talk about your abilities, which is quite irrelevant to the prompt.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 6, 2009   #8
Some asked for more broccolis,

The plural of broccoli is broccoli.

In that instance I immediately gave the homeless respect for there social differences.

The Star Trek incident is okay as a trigger for your recognition of the essential humanity of the homeless, but you should revise this to acknowledge that it was probably the beginning of a process, rather than an instant epiphany.

Furthermore, from a homeless perspective, I would want my differences to shine at the University of Michigan.

Yep, this sentence implies that you are homeless, as Liebe pointed out.
OP Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 7, 2009   #9
Thanks everyone, I'll try to fix this up.
tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 7, 2009   #10
*Your third sentence is quite controversial. If you had this idea, that they are hopeless, why did you want to do volunteer work to help them in the first place?

^^ dude maybe she had to do it for like school!

is that the case? i mean maybe u should clarify this in your story though. it is a bit controversial. ple reading would say "if u thought they were hopeless, whyd u do it"

i actually did say that now that i think of it...lol.

i still like ur essay though!
OP Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 7, 2009   #11
Haha thanks that does make a lot of sense.
OP Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 8, 2009   #12
Well this is a revised copy. I think my conclusion is a little off. This is the entire essay prompt: Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

READ BELOW
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 8, 2009   #13
Men and women in tattered clothing sporting lit cigarettes surrounded me; faces lined and scarred.

People dont sport cigarettes

Homeless was synonymous to desperate, dependent, and irregular.

^'Was'? Quite frankly, this seems more like your definition of the word, which is quite unecessary. People understand what the word 'homeless' means and what it is synonymous with.

Chicken casserole, baked beans, steamed broccoli, all of these foods seemed a waste when I thought of a homeless person consuming them.

Your grammar here is not the only strange part in this sentence. Since when has chicken casserole, baked beans and broccoli been considered exotic enough to even be served to the homeless?

that many were dressed in suits. I was surprised. These people suddenly seemed normal to me.

^I am sorry, but I am not wearing a suit right now. Does that mean I will not seem normal to you?

there children.

^Read that again and spot the error.

I realized that my work at the Delonis center would further these peoples dreams and aspirations. A job that I resented soon became something that I could not leave.

^I understand the importance of food for any human in order to survive. But, do you really think that by just giving these people food, you are shaping their dreams and aspirations??

but also others in need.

We all know this. But if you realize this and want to do this, what have you done to support this?

I would want my differences to shine at the University of Michigan. Perhaps my ability to speak and write Mandarin will be of service to some, or maybe playing the piano will enliven somebody's mood. Encouraging my differences is my goal at the University of Michigan.

^You talk about social differences. Then all of a sudden, you mention 'your differences', which youd like to shine through. What are these 'differences'? Your social difference? The fact that you are more financially stable than a homeless person??

The last part does not tie up with what you have already written.
OP Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 8, 2009   #14
Thanks but I really don't know how to include the last part of the question into my essay since it seems to me that it is asking for a completely different personal experience than the first part of the question.

Should I scratch it and come up with a new essay topic?
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 8, 2009   #15
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

^

Its asking you to talk about an experience. You talk about how you gained respect for social differences. Perhaps you can say that you no longer judge people by which social bracket they belong to.

I do not know, for I am not you


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