Posts by Pramudia27

Pramudia27

Oct 27, 2016

Writing Feedback / Statistics of first-year (English/Franch) tutors job some years ago [6]

... of the number ofEnglish and French teachers in Ontario between ...

English and French teachers==>recruitment==> miss-understanding

The line chart shows the information about the percentage of the number of teacher who ...
The graph illustrates the fluctuation of the number of English and ...
pay attention on your essay and question, and both of them have difference meaning

year of graduation ==>year when the teacher graduate from their student.

Pramudia27

Oct 27, 2016

Writing Feedback / The proportion of money spent on different basic necessities in a country, during six decades [2]

Initially, the proportion of food at 11.2% increased dramatically to 34% in 2010.
...saw an alteration from2.4% to 4.5% .
... as the proportion of other, 3.3% to 14% for transportation and4.4% to 19.2% for ~~other~~ [the others .

%=> percent=> to avoid repetition, may you can make in the other type
example = 75% ==>three-quarter

Pramudia27

Oct 26, 2016

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2-media-celebrity-ordinary people. On which group media should focus more? [6]

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationship of celebrities such as actors, singers, or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the modern era, the celebrity's stories have become popular program that was shown in many media, like television, radio, YouTube, and many more. While, some people think that common citizen should be given more attention than others. In my view, both of them have not given beneficial efforts for audiences live, and Medias were better to expose inspiration program from influences people.

First of all, live and relationship of celebrities has not given affirmatives effect. It just told about artist lifestyle, and most of them were glamour persons. It is just make viewer tend to follow sweet. Furthermore, not all of the viewers have enough money to do that. Then, relationship of famous people is not important owing to the fact that it is the personal problem which other people do not necessary to know.

Similar to celebrities, exposing activity of common people has not given constructive effort for audience. Furthermore, correspondents will not get addition knowledge in as much as the common people no have extraordinary talent which is able to share and give motivation.

In contrast, many influence people stories, like researcher, president, and moreover, were that should be shown by media. In fact, it will give inspiration for all viewers. For example, the scientist who has conducted much research has changed this world by this invention. This story will make the watchers currently pupils to have more spirit to achieve their dreams.

To sum up, both of celebrities and ordinary people not really necessary to be shown on screen. While, the great people will give advantages for viewers.

Pramudia27

Oct 26, 2016

Writing Feedback / English teachers wasn't as much needed as the French ones in Ontario [2]

The line graph gives the information about (...)based on subject .
... French increased slightly from 2001 to 2007 but, there was a downward ...

From 2001 to 2002 there was a sharp fell of20 percent.
... increased slightly to 68 percen t.
... 68 percent to around65 percent .
... a sudden rose by 10 percent of French teachers graduated

Between 2001 and 2003 , the percentage of (...) down dramatically by35 percent . From 2003 to 2005 there was a slight rose to45 percent.
... went down to above 30 percent . In 2007, it fell again to under 30 percent. (156w)

percent==> may you can change it with other word to make it to be variant
example==> 75%= three-quarter

from ... to ==> avoid repetition
From 2003 to 2005 = during 2 years

Pramudia27

Oct 26, 2016

Writing Feedback / Proportion of the hired teachers in Ontario during 6 years, based on graduation years and major [2]

Writing IELTS Task 1- The range of fresh regular teachers in Ontario - back from 2001 to 2007.

Proportion of the hired of teachers in Ontario during 6 years based on graduation years and subject is provided by line chart. Generally, the number English teacher decreased rapidly, and in contrast, the franc language teachers incline slightly. Nerveless, this job still were dominated by franc's teacher who graduated in 2007.

First of all, the percentages both of the teachers from difference subjects who got their degrees in 2001 stood at just under three-quarter. Then, the mentors who have finished their study in 2002 have gotten job of over 50% for being franc's teachers and just under 60% for teaching English. next, both of them have opposite trend for their changing until 2003, and also they incline simultaneously in 2005.

On the other hand, the English's teacher proportion who graduated between 2005 and 2007 bottomed at 2007. At the same period, the franc's lecturers have fluctuated trend and peak at over 70% in 2007.

Pramudia27

Oct 25, 2016

Writing Feedback / The proportion of various kind of problems that citizens experience while living in overseas [6]

Writing IELTS Task 1- the problem people have when they go move to other countries

The proportion of the kind of problems that happen for citizens who move to overseas live based on the age is provided by the bar graph. Overall, it can be seen that the secondary age people are the problematical persons. While, all of the people tend to easy to get school for their sons and daughters.

Sorting out finances is the biggest problems for middle age people . meanwhile, the elderly people tend to be easier for avoiding this problem than younger people.

Then, shorting out health care is the Highers difficult proportion of people in the age 34-35 . Even-thought, it is slightly difference to people who have age over 55 years. Then, the youth people just get over 35% this problem.

Furthermore, elder people tend to get the lowest proportion for finding school for their children of difficulty. In contrast, the middle age get higher proportion than the people in the age 34-35 years old

Pramudia27

Oct 25, 2016

Writing Feedback / Three kind of citizen problems who stay at the foreign country based on age in percent [5]

hello willy,,
previously, you should attach your picture owing to the fact that other people do not know about your mean.

... on age in percent.
The first problem is how to economic plan is the second ...[meybe, you should make it clearly==> it difficult to be understood] A
... have it at under 35 percent. T
... at is above 35 percent and forthe oldest people is just under 30 percent for this issue.
... this is athe biggest problem at above 35 percent than ...
... at under 30 percent and (...) at above 35 percent .
... percentage at above 5 percent than
... at under 20 percent.

percent==> you have mentioned it in introductory paragraph, so you do not need mention again.

Pramudia27

Oct 25, 2016

Writing Feedback / Children's bad habits, for example they always eat some dirty, unhealthy foods [7]

hello asep..
firstly, you should make your paragraph clearer owing to the fact that the fist thing that the examiner will be looked is your introduction.

... parents have a main role to be more responsible about this situation .
... an important role for building ~~behavioral~~behavioural healthy lifestyle in children.
... the children aremore attract with the packaging of the food, and the taste is more favourable.
... affordable to be reached for the most children.
... eating these foods because it takes more their attention.
... the way of their lifestyle tobecome more healthier.
So children can keep getting more benefit t hrough these foods.
... as the food factories can takemore ~~responsbility~~responsibility to change their habit by creating (...) which containsmore vitamins and proteins. [maybe you can change it with "a lots ...."

more......+ than .....==> comparison ==>it is compare with something else
most==> The most

Pramudia27

Oct 25, 2016

Writing Feedback / Unhealthy lifestyle for students depend on their parents accountability and schools [3]

many children these day havec. both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.
[b]to what extant do you agree with this statement?

Bad lifestyle for students depend on the accountability their parents and schools responsibility. I am strongly agrees with this notion owing to the fact that the most of pupils time is spent in both of school and housing life hood.

First of all, many students activities are that give bad effect for their body. Due to the fact that busy time in their schools will make them to forget their eating time. In case, the student who get exam in that day will focus on their test. Actually, they will forget that they have not eaten yet since early morning. This habit will make decreasing immunity of the pupil's body. Exactly, this will give worst effect for their health.

On the other hand, daily activity of all students is depends on school and housing schedule. Because of the schools have a rule that the students should do that. This is give negative impact for their education if they no do that. Furthermore, all of pupil's facilities have been provided by parents and schools. For example, unfortunately , the teacher is announce that tomorrow is final examinations. the student will pay attention about that, and also they will study hard until over night to understand all of the materiel in as much as they have not enough time to prepare it previously. The next day, they will go to school early morning. While, the parents should make a breakfast and remaining their child to eat before go to school. So, if the teachers give enough time for pupil to study, and parent have provided the meal for their son as well, the health of students will be good.

All in all, healthy live of student depend on their activity. Besides, the parent and school should responsible about managerial of pupil's time.