Writing Task 2-media-celebrity-ordinary people. On which group media should focus more?

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationship of celebrities such as actors, singers, or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the modern era, the celebrity's stories have become popular program that was shown in many media, like television, radio, YouTube, and many more. While, some people think that common citizen should be given more attention than others. In my view, both of them have not given beneficial efforts for audiences live, and Medias were better to expose inspiration program from influences people.

First of all, live and relationship of celebrities has not given affirmatives effect. It just told about artist lifestyle, and most of them were glamour persons. It is just make viewer tend to follow sweet. Furthermore, not all of the viewers have enough money to do that. Then, relationship of famous people is not important owing to the fact that it is the personal problem which other people do not necessary to know.

Similar to celebrities, exposing activity of common people has not given constructive effort for audience. Furthermore, correspondents will not get addition knowledge in as much as the common people no have extraordinary talent which is able to share and give motivation.

In contrast, many influence people stories, like researcher, president, and moreover, were that should be shown by media. In fact, it will give inspiration for all viewers. For example, the scientist who has conducted much research has changed this world by this invention. This story will make the watchers currently pupils to have more spirit to achieve their dreams.

To sum up, both of celebrities and ordinary people not really necessary to be shown on screen. While, the great people will give advantages for viewers.

Hi Miss Pramudia.
These are my thoughts towards your essay. Please, meet my notes and review those.

... celebrity's stories have become A popular program that was(You should reduce this) shown in ON many mediaS, like a television, radio, YouTube (This is not equal with television. perhaps, you should write THE INTERNET), and many more GO ON. MEANWhile (You are supposed to distinguish between linking word and conjunction) , some people think that common citizenS should be given ...

In my POINT OF view, both of them have not ...

First of all, THE live and relationship of ...
It just told TELLS about artist'S lifestyle, and most of ...
It is just make viewer tend ...
Then, THE relationship of famous (...) other people do not necessary NEED to know.
(Honestly, you have avoided the prompts given in this statement. In this case, you should focus on ordinary people. There are micro keywords showing the edge of explanation. Besides that, you have not elucidated systematically. You demonstrated your opinion, but you display supporting sentences like an example. If you commit that again, it will seem like layman's opinion.)

Similar to celebrities, ON ONE HAND (you should harness proper transitive words ), exposing activity of (...) constructive effort for THE audience.
(please, you explain your view systematically. It is not important if you only list your idea.)


(Actually, I am confused because you tended to offer new explanation in this essay whereas you did not review the prompts relatively. pay attention to task achievement given in the question. If you cannot answer them, your score can fall down to 5)

Note:
1. "While" is the conjunction. It is used to merge two sentences. You should write "MEANWHILE" if you wanna use as the linking word.

2. Keep in your mind that each good paragraph has at least 3 sentences.

I really believe you can improve your skill if you wanna provide more time to practice again and again.
Keep spirit
GOOD LUCK

Hi pram, I'm trying to make some corrections
1. In the modern era, the celebrity's stories ....
Article the is used when people know what you are talking about because you have mentioned the thing before or it is clear from the context. However, you did not mention celebrity's stories before, so do not need to use article 'the'

2. While, some people think ...
While in the beginning of sentence do not need comma, so delete it

3. ... inspiration program from influences people.
It is better to use 'to' instead 'from because in the meaning, it means that to whom 'inspiration program' will be given, so use preposition to

Thank you, break a leg.

Hello,
Let me give you some suggestions

... become popular program that was >> you have to use were, because it refers to "the celebrity's stories" [plural] shown
have not given beneficial efforts for audiences live>> audience's life or audience's lives

Medias were better to expose inspiration program from influences people >> comparative structure ....-er... than....

First of all, live[life] and relationship of celebrities has[have] not given affirmatives effect.

It is just make viewer tend to follow sweet [?]

get addition[additional] knowledge in as much as the common people no have [no] extraordinary

Gluck :D

1. ... the celebrity's stories have become A popular program that ...
------>(give a because popular program is singular countable noun)
------> ..... shown on medias such as television, ...
a. you will explain media with the example more than one, so media is plural, you should add S after media
b. many more you can replace with others
c. be careful if you use on and in ( for instance in all directions, in from outside, on television , on book )

2. It just toldtell about artist lifestyle

3. Similar to celebrities, exposing activity ...
----> on the other hand, exposing activity of common people has not given constructive effort for the audience.
be careful with linking words

Hello Pram!
Allow me to give you some suggestion.

..., and Medias were better to expose ...
...and media is better to show inspiration program which is expose influences people.

First of all, live and relationship of celebrities [...] viewers have enough money to do that. (Then, what the negative effect?) Then, relationship of famous people is not important owing ...

... as much as the common people do not have extraordinary talent ...

For example, the scientist (...) has changed this world by this invention. (Specific example will much better) This story will make (...) pupils to have more spirit ... (Because? give realistic reasons)

Since this is your key idea, you have to explain it more clearly.

I hope it can help you.
Keep practice for make it perfect :)