Hi Miss Pramudia.
These are my thoughts towards your essay. Please, meet my notes and review those.
... celebrity's stories have become A
that was(You should reduce this)
ON many mediaS, like a television, radio, YouTube
(This is not equal with television. perhaps, you should write THE INTERNET), and
GO ON. MEANWhile (You are supposed to distinguish between linking word and conjunction)
, some people think that common citizenS should be given ...
In my POINT OF view, both of them have not ...
First of all, THE live and relationship of ...
TELLS about artist'S lifestyle, and most of ...
just make viewer tend ...
Then, THE relationship of famous (...) other people do not
NEED to know.(Honestly, you have avoided the prompts given in this statement. In this case, you should focus on ordinary people. There are micro keywords showing the edge of explanation. Besides that, you have not elucidated systematically. You demonstrated your opinion, but you display supporting sentences like an example. If you commit that again, it will seem like layman's opinion.)
Similar to celebrities,
ON ONE HAND (you should harness proper transitive words
), exposing activity of (...) constructive effort for THE audience.(please, you explain your view systematically. It is not important if you only list your idea.)
In contrast, many influence people stories, like researcher, president, and moreover,.....................(Actually, I am confused because you tended to offer new explanation in this essay whereas you did not review the prompts relatively. pay attention to task achievement given in the question. If you cannot answer them, your score can fall down to 5)Note:
1. "While" is the conjunction. It is used to merge two sentences. You should write "MEANWHILE" if you wanna use as the linking word.
2. Keep in your mind that each good paragraph has at least 3 sentences.I really believe you can improve your skill if you wanna provide more time to practice again and again.