Writing Feedback / The extinction of languages and how to prevent it - IELTS [4]

Shirely, your essay shows that you did not spare at least 1 minute to understand what was required of you in the prompt. This understanding usually will help you to do a proper paraphrase which, in turn, would form the basis of the entire write-up. It is better, especially in the real test, to spend more or less a minute to understand the gist of the prompt before drafting your thought than hastily delving into the essay without having an understanding of what you were meant to do. At some point in your essay, you sounded as though you were trying to personify 'language'. The fact that you missed the track of the requirement of the essay from the very beginning is a costly error you must strive to deal with if you hope for a good score in the real test. Also, avoid the use of vocabularies that could create ambiguity in your write-up, especially those you are not quite familiar with. By the way, I must say that had you got a perfect understanding of the requirements of the prompt, based upon your level of sentence construction, you would have put up a good essay. I suggest that you engage in more practices while committing to mind all the guides availed to you herewith.

Writing Feedback / Reason why people sometimes prefer ride bicycle when commuting to work instead of using eg. car [4]

Maildor, I really do not think that the prompt you posted and the supposedly charts are related. However, the charts do actually relate to the response in your essay. Therefore, my review will not address the paraphrase aspect in relation to the real prompt as what you just posted is not the real prompt. I will only create a paraphrase to enhance your ability to understand how to tackle this kind of essay. The first statement in your previous post, the supposedly paraphrase, cannot serve as an introductory paragraph because it lacks an overview statement. Below is a typical example of an introductory paragraph containing a paraphrased (hypothetical) prompt and an overview statement:

The graphic representations below illustrate the rationale behind employers' choice of cycling to work as well as driving to work. Overall, there are five reasons employers choose to either cycle to work or drive to work. While a good number of employers go to work by cycling due to health and fitness, as well as less pollution compared to other reasons, many individuals take to driving to work for the comfort it offers.

Notice that having paraphrased the topic question, all I succeeded in doing was highlighting the observable trend in the charts. The were no comments with regard to the exact percentage or proportion the employers that choose either of the means of transportation in discuss. These information would be contained in the next paragraphs. There were two paragraphs before the concluding statement in your essay. It is wrong to use 'in the one hand' in the 2nd second paragraph. If you must use such a transition phrase, the first paragraph should go with 'in the one hand' while the second starts with 'on the other hand'. That way, your essay will have fluidity and it's flow would be appreciated by the reader. Below is an example of how the paragraph following the introductory statement should read:

Observably, in order to promote health and fitness, 30 % of the workers choose cycling to work over driving, whereas another 30 % made similar decision having reduction of pollution in mind. While 12 % of the employers go to work by cycling because it costs nothing, 13 % do the same in hope that cycling is faster that driving. Nevertheless, 15 % of the work force take to cycling due to lack of parking space.

I think you can assess your essay using the examples I have given already. Keep practising with these instances in mind.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] (Agree and Disagree) Books and televisions [4]

Xuan, I must say that your essay is well organised and good enough to earn an overall score of at least a 6. You were able to use transition words to enhance the cohesiveness of your write-up. I could also establish that while the 2nd paragraph borders on developing language skills through reading books, the 3rd paragraph elaborates the accruing imaginative skills. This shows that you have good understanding of the prompt. However, my only worry is that your introductory paragraph is contrary to my view. Your paraphrase is good but the first sentence in that paragraph did not go well because, apart from wrong choice of words ((...fast-growing rate...and ... increasing ubiquity...), you were almost introducing an idea that is alien to that of the prompt. The idea in the prompt has nothing to do with entertainment even though conventionally it could be gained from reading books or watching television. The first sentence would have immediately related to the prompt paraphrased in the second sentence if it read as: 'With the growing rate of technology or With the increasing rate of technology or With the ubiquity of advanced technology, people's attention is turning towards television as a way of enhancing imaginative and verbal communication skills more than reading books'.. Then you also were not meant to state an opinion, you were supposed to use an agreeing statement or disagreeing statement to introduce the side where you would pitch your tent in the entire essay. Nevertheless, apart from these few observations, I think you did a good job there.

Writing Feedback / Everyone should become vegetarian [6]

Phong, there are lots of problems with your essay which would drastically reduce your overall score in the real test. First is your inability to do a proper paraphrase of the prompt. Secondly, your thesis statement is not proper. You were asked to agree or disagree so there is no need introducing the phrase, 'In my opinion'. The best approach is to make a thesis statement that agrees or disagrees with the central idea in the question. The thesis statement will form the basis of what you will write in the rest of the paragraphs. Another significant flaw in your essay is the wrong use of the second person pronoun 'We'. The use of 'we' in the entire body of your essay shows that you and at least one other person wrote the essay. If that is the case, then you will score zero already because the question is for you alone to answer and not one or more persons alongside you. This essay is the argumentative type and requires you to structure your thoughts in support or against the school of thought in the topic question. Finally, lack of cohesion will also reduce your score for the essay. Your sentence construction is also not a good one. You need to engage in constant practice and I would recommend that you checked similar essays that have been reviewed in this forum, so that you would have a glimpse of what is required of you. Right now, I cannot score this version of your essay. Engaging in more practices and posting your essays here for review is what I suggest you should care about for now.

Writing Feedback / [ILETS TASK 2] Some people believe that tourism does more harm than good. Agree or disagree? [4]

Lewis, I must commend your writing skills and wealth of vocabulary. However, you must be very careful when drafting your essays as an omission or misplacement of a word or phrase can totally change the idea in a paragraph, especially when it occurred in the topic sentence. Before I continue with reviewing your essay, I would like to remind you that posting the topic question of an essay is necessary for proper review of this kind of write-up. Right now, it is difficult to tell if you actually did a proper paraphrase of the prompt although it seems well crafted and straight to the point. That said, I think you really did a nice job here except for few typos. My only worry is that the topic sentence of paragraph 2 is contrary to the idea portrayed in the supporting sentences."It can be denied that there..." means that there are no benefits with regard to the pattern with which the sentence was constructed, in which case it opposes the supporting statements which elaborate the benefits of tourism to both the tourist and the government of the location of the tourism. The excerpt should read as "It cannot be denied that there... " which means that there are benefits and therefore fits with the supporting sentences. More so, you shouldn't have used the transition word "However" to begin the third paragraph because it is used to indicate a little change or opposing notion with respect to the preceding idea. I suggest you use the first sentence of the 3rd paragraph as the last sentence of the 2nd paragraph. That way, it would serve as a transition statement. The 3rd paragraph would then begin with a topic sentence that tends to describe the disadvantages of tourism. Overall, your essay is really great and your points are well-developed. Always ensure that you review your essays after drafting so as to fix typographic errors. This essay can fetch you an overall score of at least 6.5.

Undergraduate / Why Tulane? This University is the one for me. Essay Assistance [4]

Kelly, your essay is good but cannot be used at this point. Remember you are trying to give an answer to a prompt that is wholly or part of a personal statement and as such, your opening statement should be catchy and straight to the point in answering the prompt. With this in mind, I think your second paragraph would serve well as the opening paragraph. This is because when compared to the 1st paragraph, the 2nd is close to answering the prompt. Note that the selection committee have a pile of applications to review and would not spend much on yours if it is not engaging from the very first glance. I did not see any significant connection between your interest in Tulane University with your personal experience during high school days. Personal experience may encompass extracurricular activities, parents or peer's influence, personal challenges, personal goals and so on. Your should relate your interest in Tulane University with a specific idea or experience or plan that affects you which being a Tulane University student would help you unravel or improve on. Also, discuss what you can bring to the table if given the opportunity of admission. These and more like them are what reviewers are looking out for and they tend to make your application stand out. You should also try to draft an essay of at least 50 % of the word limit.

Undergraduate / Georgia tech supplemental essay - Why GATEch? and "be comfortable being uncomfortable" questions [6]

Minjae, you do not have to worry much about constructing an advanced grammar because you really don't have to do that. All you need to do, as the previous reviewer pointed out, is to make good sentences that could help the reader to understand the points you are trying drive home. Know the right choice of words to use and the appropriate tenses required in each part of your write-up. For instance, the prompt states that you should tell a story about an event that occurred during your high school days. Your story will basically be in simple past beside other tenses that would address 'the resolution' part of the prompt. You did represent past tenses in the second essay, however, improper usage and wrong choice of words somehow affected the coherence of your essay. Yet, you do not need to start learning new words in order to produce a college level writing. Just construct your essay using a combination of simple, compound and, if you can, complex sentences. For example, ''Now, I know most...'' could read as ''Now, I have made some new friends because I know most of my class members''. Do not use the word 'However' to start both preceding and succeeding sentences. You can use another transition word, if necessary, and it also depends on the information in the sentence. So, college level writing does not mean 'advanced grammar'.

Writing Feedback / The portion of those who own devices by four different categories in Vietnam during 6-year period [6]

Huy, it is hard to tell the band score your essay can fetch because it is impossible to do a wholesome assessment of your write-up since you failed to post both the prompt and the line graph you are trying to describe. You need not separate the paraphrase of the prompt from the overview statement. However, based on its content, this essay cannot get up to 5 band. The first reason is your inability to adhere to rules of English grammar and improper use of tenses in some parts of the essay. Another obvious reason is that your essay lacks conclusion. The transition phrase 'in addition' does not depict a concluding statement, it only buttresses previous statements made in the preceding lines. Also, the first paragraph contain only 2 sentences, in which case it cannot be regarded as a paragraph because a typical paragraph is made up of at least 3 sentences. I cannot tell if you actually did a proper description of the information in the line graph because I need to look at the graph before I make such comment.