Advice on Recommendation Letter for Fast Retailing Undergraduate Scholarship Program for Indonesian

Hi! This is letter of recommendation for the application from my academic advisor. It would be much appreciate if you could help me read and give me advice on this matter. My academic advisor told me to make it on my own, and he just signed it. The scholarship is a Undergraduate Scholarship to Japan. It is not specific to one university. The scholarship is only for Indonesian that has just graduated from high school.

To Whom It May Concern,

It is with great pleasure to recommend Souzan, a student in AA High School in the capacity of the academic advisor, regarding his application for the Undergraduate Fast Retailing Scholarship.

On a personal level, I have been his academic advisor from XX to XX and have known her since last year when he was applying for an undergraduate scholarship. I personally believe that Souzan is a hard-working and reliable shown from his accountability being the chief in Department of Movies in the Journalist Club.
Based on my observations and from his teachers reports, Souzan is an uplifting, kind, and passionate individual. He demonstrates these qualities through his projects and interactions with others. For instance, when his friend was struggling with English grammar, he kindly assisted him, explaining the reason thoroughly until his friend understood fully.

Please let me know if I can provide any more information to heighten Souzan's chance for your Scholarship Program. I gave Souzan my highest recommendation, and I hope that he will be accepted to your program and will contribute to Japan and to Indonesia partnership.

Sincerely,

[Writers Name, Degree]
NIP. [TEACHER's Number]

The letter of recommendation is obviously not written by the teacher of the student. The word usage is too simplistic, unprofessional, and personal in nature. A properly written recommendation letter from a teacher would highlight the writing skills of the teacher, his professionalism in describing the student based on his observations of the student's attitude, community membership, academic performance, among other recommendation considerations. The letter should also be within 4-5 paragraphs. It should reflect the relationship of the teacher to the student as his adviser, mentor, or teacher in charge. It should carry a deeper insight into the applicant as a student and reflects a character insight that goes beyond the classroom. This is a good draft, but in this form, it will be ignored by the review committee due to its insignificant information.

The letter of recommendation have a limit of around 200 words, so I'm really confused on what I should put in the letter. Any advice on what should I write in it?