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"Stipendium Hungaricum Scholarship" Undergraduate Motivation Letter (need structure advice)

ketrshine 1 / -  
Mar 15, 2016   #1
Hello I need some structure advice ASAP thank you :)
Dear Sir or Madam
Hello, I am XXX from Mongolia. In this letter, I want to introduce myself as a candidate for Stinpendium Hungaricum Scholarship Program 2016.
The very fact that almost every aspect of lives is based upon business has rendered me to appreciate the field of business and explore it. Business is pivotal in our world because it deals with to managing people, capitals, and finances. But what has mesmerized me the most is that business has the ability to change the world. I have a very clear idea of what I like to do since I was a child, now as a young adult it's time to choose a career that involves my interests. For the past three years I have spent my days planning what I want to do the rest of my life, and looking for a way to get there. The business administration has always been in my plans. I remember that as a kid, I would sell "Yu-Gi-Oh" playing cards outside my house, somehow I convinced my mom to buy all these cards for me so I could re-sell them at a higher price, as a kid I did not even need money, I would just do it for fun, but I have always enjoyed doing things differently. My early passion for business and my determination qualifies me as a good candidate for Stinpendium Hungaricum. I think people are destined to do certain things in life, we only need to look back at their childhood, and see what they enjoyed to do back when they did not have the pressure to do other things. When I look back at my childhood, I loved doing business with those who I knew. The field of business attracted me so much that from that time onward I started to dream of pursuing my higher studies in life that deal with business and management. My ambition is to create an excellent career in the field of business, economics and management, hence I would like to gain more knowledge. My interest in business fit perfectly in the Business administration and management program. The best preparation is needed in order to create masterpieces, and that is why I desire to receive my education from Hungary. And by now I am sure that this is what I want to do the rest of my life. I cannot imagine my life in other way, and I will work hard in order to achieve my goals and to be with the greatest in the industry. I know this will be hard, but I have learned from the greatest that hard work pays off. I am excited for the future. As I write this essay, I cannot help, but to think about the great things that Stipendium Hungaricum will help me achieve.

It has always been my dream to study abroad. Due to family issues I was not able to leave my family and study where I wanted. As I entered high school, I realized I had developed a specific set of skills and passion that favored me in subjects like Economics, Accounting and Business Studies rather than Physics, Chemistry and Biology, thus I started specializing in them. After my high school graduation I applied in business related university in Mongolia. I enrolled in Business Management program at XXX. I am now able to leave and study at the university that I want without any possible further distractions. My parents are both deaf and dumb people. We had a low income household my parent's salaries worth about 250$ a month. My parents couldn't able to pay my tuition, so I am looking for a scholarship. I prefer to study abroad because I want to become more independent by trying to live abroad. It is also a chance for me to experience different styles of education.

Then I found information about Stipendium Hungaricum and interested to apply this scholarship. I would love to be among international students because it is a great possibility to broaden my horizons and get in touch with people on international scale. Meeting people from all corners of the world will familiarize me with many cultures and increase my ability to relate to others, something that is crucial to succeed in the business world.

I come from country which has underdeveloped economy suffering from an unorganized business environment operating with a weak infrastructure. I wish to learn as much as I can from the bright Hungarian minds in business and financial areas. Therefore, I apply this prestigious scholarship in order to have opportunity pursuing my dream and career plan, so that I can implement my knowledge and experience for my hometown and my beloved country, Mongolia. I always do my best to share what I have and contribute them all to my country. I will be on the front lines of discovering new business opportunities. Furthermore, it would make me successful entrepreneur and a valuable source in my country business industry, which adds a great advantage to my overall experience. I believe this scholarship will equip me with required knowledge and skills needed to achieve my goal of influencing the economic development of Mongolia. My intended field of study is business, with a focus on finance, entrepreneurship and management. I believe a curriculum in finance and entrepreneurship will prepare an individual to be successful in any business field. This I see as a clear advantage in pursuing my career goal to become an entrepreneur. My interest in business developed at a young age and I haven't stopped questioning, learning, and researching business related topics since. The "profit" I will earn is not only knowledge or a degree but also many valuable skills and experiences in business field. I love traveling and challenge new things to combine what I experienced from different places to create my own things. I am willing to work harder than I will ever do in my life in order to succeed in my college career and in order to pursue my goals. The business has always been present in my life, and now is time for me to follow that path, and to finally educate myself properly in the field.

With the reasons above and beyond, I decided to apply for this scholarship seeking to
acquire admission in Bachelor of Business Administration and Management.
Sincerely, XXX
Crystal812 23 / 55 11  
Mar 15, 2016   #2
Hi, Boldsaikhan,

Nice try. However, I found that you need to refine your essay carefully.

Sometimes, you arranged several contents in one paragraph, which made your audience confused and your passage chaotic. I believe it is better to try to catagrize your items and reconstruct your essay. For example, your interest, knowledge backgroud, working experiences, strengths, objectives.

Also, I found that you have a logical problem in your essay. According to your application, you want to be more independent. However, you just apply for scholarship and do not use your parents' money. It is another kind of dependence ---- relying on your future institution or organization. If you still want to maintain the independent part, you'd better give more details, like you will do part-time jobs at the same time. Otherwise´╝î it is hard to persuade your interviewers to believe that you will struggle to make a living.

Still, wish you success.

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