Opportunity to study with the Graduate Institute of International and Development Studies

Greetings,
I am Hargun from India and this year I am applying for my masters for the academic year of 2016-17. I have written my SoP but I need someone to check it because I really want to get into this institute. I am applying for Masters in Development Studies at The Graduate Institute, Geneva.

Thank you :)
My SoP starts her----------------------------------------->>

LETTER OF MOTIVATION
FOR
THE GRADUATE INSTITUTE OF INTERNATIONAL AND DEVELOPMENT STUDIES, GENEVA, SWITZERLAND

Respected Madam / Sir,

With this letter I hereby wish to apply and state my motivation for admission in Masters in Development Studies (MDEV) at The Graduate Institute of International and Development Studies for the 2016 - 2017 academic year.

I appreciate this opportunity to introduce myself and I perceive it as a perfect opportunity to support my application for the MDEV offered by your esteemed Institute.

I am currently studying my Bachelors with Honors in Political Science from the University of Delhi in New Delhi, India.

From the beginning, I wished to become a good diplomat. I use to look forward to famous personalities like Dr. A. P. J. Abdul Kalam (former President of India), Hans J. Morgenthau, Kofi Annan who established themselves from scratch, and with their education and sheer hard work they have improved lives of so many people, and they have passed on their knowledge to young generation minds. This Institute will make me capable like them who will shine worldwide and would help citizens of the world. The scholastic and professional skills provided by the Institute will make me capable of performing good at a global level and I would be in a position where I could help people. The Graduate Institute is like a team which would help me gain a lot academically and professionally. In my country I will get my own nation's perspective on certain issues, however, at the Graduate Institute due to its multicultural student and teacher body I will get the opportunity to gain perspective from different countries which I always wanted to have and this will help me become a responsible and aware global citizen.

I got to know about The Graduate Institute in a random conversation with my school french teacher one day when she mentioned about the institute and, asked me to check. And then I just went through your website and I was so happy because it was exactly what I wanted. Apart from exploring the Institute website extensively, I started discussing with my college professors and I started sending emails to Institute alumni though I didn't know them personally, but I managed to get their information from career testimonials and Institute's YouTube videos. I enquired about student life, future prospects, as I always wanted a senior to guide me, and they supported me by replying messages, those messages really motivated me, they guided me very well.

I decided to study Masters in Development Studies because I really like the curriculum. With the introduction of gender studies in my undergraduate studies, I was really motivated to study further but, unfortunately, that course was in between removed from our syllabus. However, that didn't stop me, I looked for ways like I interned with various Government organisations, NGO's where I was exposed to various issues like hunger, poverty, lack of education, child and women right issues, labour laws which made me more aware about the conditions at the ground level.It made me realise that not everyone had the same opportunities nor lived the same life . Thus, I have decided to study and understand how Gender can play an important role in the development of societies in the South Asia in my masters. Also, To be a successful diplomat it is important for me to understand the issues and to believe in equal opportunity for everyone and this course will help me in broadening my understanding as the programme has unique characteristics of giving multidisciplinary insights, helping students in challenging these issues and addressing systematic solutions to these problems . I believe that my background in Political Science would support me in exploring the field of development. Also, MDEV offers some courses in french and it was my dream to study in french language because of my love for it. Thus, MDEV will give me the opportunity to use and polish my linguistics skills. Moreover, the multicultural student body always fascinated me, it will boost my confidence as I always wanted to study in an International atmosphere where students are from different countries.

The Graduate Institute will give me a platform to shine, and will give me professional skills and tools with which I will be able to stand strong in getting a good job for myself. I aspire to work for UNICEF and UN Women as I always admired their work, they would offer a good stable job which is very important for me. It will be a great opportunity for me to help people from all over the world not only my own country and that is what I want - to bring a change at global level which I am sure I will.

Graduate institute has all the reasons that would help me reach the kind of profession I see for myself in future like it has a huge reputation as it has produced great alumni and my favorite like Hans J. Morgenthau who is considered to be the father of International Studies, I am a huge fan of his work "Politics among nations", also one thing that attracted me was the financial aid provided by the institute, as I would be able to study by my own. I believe that being a student I would not only empower my career development, I would be a position to utilize my full potentials as well.

Ma'am/Sir, I am confident that overall opportunity to study with the Institute will broaden my horizons and give me an opportunity to gain world-class education and help me become an excellent world-citizen. I am really very sure that with my personal experience and cultural background I will exceed your expectations and bring a meaningful contribution to the programme. Also, I will work really hard and would definitely be an asset to the Institute in the future.

Thanking you in advance for considering my application.

Your Sincerely,
Best Regards,
Hargun Aiden

Hargun, try to not use so much word filler in your narrative. The person reading your letter does not have the time to sort through all of your pretenses before getting to your point. If you cannot catch the attention of the reviewer within the first minute or so of your opening statement, your chances that he will actually read the whole essay is next to null. In which case, you have lost your chance to have your application considered because you wasted the time of the reviewer with useless information. Right after the opening salutation, jump into the reason you are motivated to apply for admission to this particular university. State your academic goal and professional purpose as soon as you can in the most interesting manner that you can muster.

You need to jump over the part of the essay that mentions your diplomat idols. The only sentence you can actually use from that paragraph is the one stating that you wish to become a diplomat. That is the main purpose for your graduate studies and it should be the focal point of the letter from the very beginning. Discuss your current employment that is aligned with this desire of yours and how you feel that becoming a diplomat is the expected next step for you in this career. Omit the paragraph telling the reviewer how you learned about the Graduate Institute. That is not relevant to your motivation and does not offer any additional insight into your abilities as a graduate student. Therefore, it is not an important part of the essay. Always focus on yourself and your career goals / motivations. Never deviate from the purpose of the letter.

Don't ever, ever tell a graduate school reviewer that you decided to study a masters degree course because "I really like the curriculum." That does not sound professional at all and should not be part of a masters degree essay or letter. You are expected to be able to better express yourself at this point using a higher level of vocabulary. You need to impress the reviewer with your intellect. Remember that. Instead, why don't you present a line of research related to Gender that you feel will be a perfect vehicle for your dissertation or something while you are wrapping up your masters course? Mentioning a desire to complete a particular type of research with the cooperation of the university and the use of its facilities or mentoring of their professors often catches the interest of the reviewer.

Do not mention the name of the highly esteemed alumnae of the institute in your letter. Do not resort to name dropping or sucking up just to achieve your goal of admission. You just might find yourself trying to emulate someone far beyond your actual capacity as a student and/or diplomat. Don't set yourself up to deliver high expectations that you may not be able to deliver. Sell your own abilities and beliefs as your motivation. Don't use the accomplishments of other people to try and do that for yourself.

You also have a line in your letter that puzzles me a lot. What did you mean by:
also one thing that attracted me was the financial aid provided by the institute, as I would be able to study by my own. I believe that being a student I would not only empower my career development, I would be a position to utilize my full potentials as well.

- Financial aid should be discussed as a separate paragraph and thoroughly discussed. I do not believe that it should be placed in a motivation letter because the thought of receiving financial aid should not be one of the motivations for your desire for higher studies.

Thank you so much,after going through it I have started with my new letter which would be more professional and I would definitely follow your cues!