My Letter of Motivation for ESB Business School Reutlingen

Hey Everyone,
I found this forum today when i was looking for help with my letter of motivation.
The deadline is the 17th May, yeah pretty soon i know :P
I just wrote what came into my mind and post it here now
Since it's my first application essay (or anyway my first essay ever), I hope you can help me in both grammar and content.
Thanks so far ;)

Here is the essay:

Dear Sir or Madam:

I hereby wish to express my interest for a place in the Bachelor of Science program in International Business.

Born and raised in Beijing, China, I was already fascinated by the rapidly growing skyscrapers at that time. When we then moved to an industrial nation like Germany, I lost my last doubts about the power of economy. It quickly became clear that I also want to work in this area one day.

My second large interests are languages, meeting new people and visiting different places around the world.
As I discovered a flyer of International Business at that time, a major which unites both of my preferences, I was absolutely sure about my future plans.

For that purpose, I decided to choose English and economy as my advanced courses and could already acquire the basics of Finance, Investment and Consulting.

In addition to my fluent English, I of course master German and Chinese as mother tongue perfectly and have good skills in French.
Currently I am living in Heroldsberg, Germany, where I just finished my A-level at Gymnasium Eckental, which is a Bavarian high school with high reputation.

In consideration of my future career I intend to achieve the Bachelor of Science, followed by the Master of Science in International Business. It is my aim to work in an international company and to improve the collaboration of important industrial nations.

There are two specific reasons why I prefer Reutlingen University in comparison to others. First, I want to receive a high-quality degree at one of the leading German Universities within the scope of International Business. Second, the Internationality of your program really appeals to me. I'm excited about the multinational students and looking forward to the international semester at one of your many partner universities.

Grown up in two different countries teaches me the best of both worlds.
With the Chinese diligence and ambition and the German accuracy I'm very confident to master this study.
Thank you for considering my application.

Sincerely,

Hello Siyu,

Firstly, you should start and ending with the letter format. Don't forget - "To whom it may concern" and Yours Siyu

I hereby wish to express my interest for a place in the Bachelor of Science program in International Business.( Is it a school ?)

Since born and raisedgrew up in Beijing, China, I was already fascinated by the fast-developing skyscrapers rapidly growing at that time.

When we then moved to Germany which is famous for it well-known industry, I lost my last doubtsmay be what you want to say interest about the power of economy.

I just finished my A-level (is it a course or degree something?) at Gymnasium Eckental, which

There are two specific reasons why that I prefer Reutlingen University in comparison to others after comparison.

Welcome, Siyu Sha!

Is that really your name? If so, it is the coolest name I have ever heard.


Well, in this case, the letter says Dear Sir or Madam and "sincerely" so I think that is okay...

Born and raised in Beijing, China, I was already fascinated by the rapidly growing skyscrapers by the time I was ___ years old. ----This will improve the clarity... because you wrote the sentence in a way that makes me ask, "By what time?"

My other large interests are...

...which is a Bavarian high school with high a strong reputation.

First, I want to receive a high-quality degree at one of the leading German Universities within the scope of International Business. Second, the Internationality of your program really appeals to me. ---I think this is good, but I wish you would specify some quality that this school has and other schools do not... a particular professor, a particular program... something unique about this school that appeals to you. Let the reader know that it MATTERS whether you go to this school or a different one.

I like the ending!!

Hey guys,
thanks a lot for your help so far
@Kevin yes its my real name :P

Coolest name ever!