AAS MBA in Entrepreneurship - Why study your chosen subject?

Hey all, I am applying for AAS and I would really appreciate it if anyone can revise my answer below, thank you.

Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?

Firstly, I choose Master of Commerce especially in the innovation and entrepreneurship specialisation because it is my big passion on entrepreneurial practices. I have spent most of my time in our family's small businesses since I was in high school and we have certainly been through many ups and downs managing the businesses. Considering that experience, I decided to pursue bachelor degree in management because it offers the knowledge I need about theoretical fundamentals of business. On top of that, there are quite many underdeveloped industries that need improvement in my hometown, thus running a business needs to be well considered, let alone sustaining that very business. As a result, I feel like learning about management only doesn't seem enough for me.

By choosing University of New South Wales as my primary institution, I believe I will be off to a good start. The 1.5-year program will allow me to broaden my knowledge and to specialise in innovation and entrepreneurship after undergoing few core courses. Besides, UNSW is one of the best business school offering specialisation course such as social enterprise. I have high concern in doing business for social good, driven by the desire to find innovative solutions to systemic social problems and environmental challenges in the region I want to develop.

Secondly, I choose MBA in Entrepreneurship in University of Technology Sydney as second option because course also put more emphasis on practical orientation of a business through application of business entrepreneurship techniques such as apply start-up methods to develop products and services, seek support and funding for ventures, and so on. Moreover, the 1 or 2-year program offered by the institution is also suitable for student like me who has high concern for social venturing, coupled with flexible modular structure that allows to study program in stages while working on my entrepreneurial or innovation project.

Watch out for your usage of preposition. I have noticed that this was a sporadic mistake that you had all throughout your essay. It is also noticeable how you had instances wherein were creating lengthy sentences without using appropriate punctuation and pauses. Knowing when and how to add these pauses can help your essay in terms of flow. I would also recommend watching out your usage of articles and verb tenses.

It is also always helpful if you use more formal words/language when constructing your essay; this will help with the overall look of your essay.

Let's take a look at your first paragraph and apply these comments. If I were you, I would revise the first two lines as:

Firstly, I chose the Masters of Commerce with specialization on innovation and entrepreneurship; this is influenced by my passion for entrepreneurial practices. I spent my high school managing our family business, working through its peaks and downtime.

Notice how I had rightfully placed a the before the Masters of Commerce because of it's a pronoun that requires this. I had also made sure that I removed redundant words (ie. when it's a passion, it's unnecessary to put big before it as the word itself is already indicative of that). Moreover, I also tried to articulate it in a more formal way (ie. changing the sentence structure and replacing ups and downs with peaks and downtime to appear more put-together in terms of language). Doing things such as this will improve your essay's construction. I suggest applying it all throughout the essay.

In terms of content, I would also suggest to try to be more specific. For instance, you can delve more into what particular courses you are excited about, what makes the institution itself the best out of all. You have slightly done the latter, but it would be nicer if you could be more explicit. Perhaps you can mention data and statistics about how good the academic environment is. If you know someone personally who has gone to the school, you can do a small story-time to relay this information.

Best of luck.

I have reviewed my essay and I totally agree with you. It does make sense that my essay looks terrible in terms of flow, formal writing, unnecessary words, and content. Thank you so much for your suggestions, really appreciate it.