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I am applying for Global Undergraduate Exchange Program. This is my essay.



hoang2101 1 / -  
Dec 26, 2015   #1
Essay Choice C: Martin Luther King Jr. said "Life's most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others? Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little." What have you done to serve others around you? What is the next thing you imagine doing for your community?

***
Human is entering a new stage of revolution. More and more technologies are invented. Robots are going to replace our daily jobs. However, people are also becoming more selfish and greedy. There are a lot of people who just think about themselves. They spend most of their life on working to get money or to get what they desire. When they get what they want, they still want more and more. They won't stop, nothing is enough for them. They will do everything to make them satisfied without thinking about the others or even hurt someone. They never find happiness. Besides that, there are millions of orphans who have lost both parents and are living in orphanages or on the streets and lack of food required for healthy development. More than 2,500 children in Africa have to drink unsafe water or suffer from thirst every day. These children are at risk for disease, malnutrition, and death. In Vietnam, more than one thousands children are illiterate because of financial difficulty. As we can see, the development of science or money can't solve everything. For those situations, a family, a house, a school or some liters of clean water everyday are more than enough for them. They need the feeling of love, the care and attention from the society. That's the connection between human and human. Understanding that, in the past two years, I have joined some social activities. In summer 2014, I participated in "Tiep Suc Mua Thi" program. With my friends' cooperation, we together built a map which showed the fastest ways to travel from place to place in our city, so the students from country sides can go to their places easier without getting lost and wasting money. Another activity is "Mua He Xanh". As a leader of the project, we have successfully released a program for the teachers to help them supervise the students. We visited some primary schools which are lack of computer knowledge, we taught the children how to program and make some simple animated characters. I remember a six year old boy. Each time we came to his school, he always ran to me and asked me a bunch of questions about the animals. It's hard to describe how cute that moment was. Working and playing with them, I can feel their love and understand more about them. They have taught me as much as I taught them. As an engineering student, I have a plan to make an automatic farming machine to grow, water, fertilize and harvest the plants for the farmers so that they don't have to work hard in the field, they will have more time to take care of their family, and their sons will have a better education from their parents. Dorothy Day, an American journalist, said "We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned that the only solution is love and that love comes with community." This world will be much better if we all know how to share and help each other. Who knows some day, one of us will have a problem and community is the only thing that we can lean on.

Kisakina 4 / 16  
Dec 27, 2015   #2
hoang2101, I'm not good at writing, but here are the things I've noticed:

1. Check for grammar. I've noticed a few: "Human is "→"Humans are", "one thousands children" →"1000 children"
2. Break your essay into paragraphs; they're easier to read. I found a distinct break at "Understanding that, in the past two years...", which you can use to change paragraphs.

3. I love your ideas in the essay--I can feel your passion to change the world. But I feel like the essay focuses too much on the background, especially on the earlier parts of the essay. You can just briefly mention the challenges the world faces today, and instead focus on what you can do to change that. The essay's not just about the world, it's about you.


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