Australia Scholarship - How will this scholarship contribute to the organisation's human resources

Dear experts,

Please review my essay. Thanks and very appreciate it!

How will this scholarship contribute to the organisation's human resource development needs?

As a financial services regulator, OJK has a long way to go in achieving its mission: Increasing micro-business contribution for national growth. The recent problem faced is most micro-business cannot grow optimally due to unsuitable loan features. Hence, I believe that the scholarship would give me an opportunity to mastering the finance and research skills to help OJK solve the problem. I plan to introduce improved loan features for micro-business in the agriculture and livestock sectors.

The essay misses the point. It does not make any reference as to the Australia scholarship and it's contribution to the HR situation of your organization. Think about it this way, normally, the employee of an organization pursues a higher line of academic study using office sponsored student opportunities. You will be using a separate scholarship instead. Explain why that is so. Based on that explanation, the reviewer will be able to understand why it is important that you get the necessary training for your profession. Only after you explain that part can you go on to the currently written paragraph.

What is the word limit on the statement? Just in case, you will need to work in the explanation I indicated above in a way that merges with your current statement. What you wrote is not actually and essay since it is less than 250 words. It is only a statement and, as such, can still be expanded based upon the maximum word requirement of the application form.

Explain why there is a need for you in particular to receive this training. What duties do you perform in the company? That will explain the HR development needs better than the above reference. The discussion you provided does not really relate to an HR need in this case. So you need to develop the essay from the HR standpoint.

Hi Holt, thanks for the feedback. The limit is max. 500 characters, not words. Therefore, I'm struggling to explain in such a limited sentence.

This is for Australia Award Scholarship.

Please advise.

@holt

How about this version?

How will this scholarship contribute to the organisation's human resource development needs? [500 chars]
As I plan to study finance with this scholarship, my company (OJK) will benefit much regarding its mission to increase micro-business contribution for national growth. Over the last 5 years, OJK has been addressing the issue of micro-business stagnant growth due to a lack of access to financial services. By studying investment management in a reputable university, I will be focusing my research on improving loan and insurance features for micro-business in the agriculture and livestock sectors.