Business Information AAS - How did you choose your proposed course and institution?

kindly please help me with this one

Choosing the Business Information System

I'm applying master's program in Information System focusing in Business Information System for several reasons :
1.I was graduate from Institute Technology Telkom, majoring Informatics Engineering. This major has prepared me with a strong grounding in Information Technology and theoretical aspects of analyzing system.

2.My previous employment was a database engineer which has equipped me with a good skill in database particularly in Relational Database Management System and query concept. This also make me familiar with some databases software such as MySql, SQL Server and PostgreSQL.

3.My current employment is in Ministry of Foreign Affairs Republic of Indonesia as IT staff. My responsibility is to develop web applications based on request from other departments. I evolve my skill in programming and analyzing system. Truthfully, it need more of hard work than before because there's no strong IT policy or SOP when user requesting web applications. We don't have any filter for reject the request, therefore there're too many short term use applications that waste the storage.

To sum up, choosing Business Information System will be beneficial because I have strong foundation of theoretical and practical knowledge. I have a high interest in improving IT planning and IT policy to solve organisational information problems. I also want to learn a lot about interrelationships between people, information and technology related to government organization which can contribute in developing myself to reach my future goal.

I choose Monash University and Queensland University of Technology (QUT) as my desire university. Monash University is ranked as one of the world's top 100 universities. While QUT is one of the best computer science's universities in Australia and has been internationally recognised for its high performance in research, employability, teaching and infrastructure.

I was graduate graduated from . . .
This also make makes me familiar . . .
. . . as an IT staff.
Truthfully, it need needs more of . . .

there's, there're (please don't use contraction here)
I evolve have improved my skill . . .
We don't do not have any filter for to reject . . .

I choose . . . as my desire university. (I don't think this sentence is appropriate)
Don't talk about the rank because it is not good to see a university just based on the rank.
Talk more about the universities. Why do you choose them? What courses do they offer? What special programs or internship they offer that can help you improve your skills in IT?

It is okay to mention some specific subjects to show that you learn deeply about the two universities, not only seeing them as being "one of the bests". More importantly, make sure that you answer the question "How?" How did you end up choosing these two unis? How did you select them among the other unis?

Hope this helps.

Mizana, kindly post the prompt of your essay as it is difficult to offer a plausible review of your current write-up without any information as regards the prompt. Having said that, I will now give a general review of your current post. Your current draft does not look like an essay meant for master's program in any capacity. It failed the 5 paragraph write-up typical of general essays as there is just one paragraph in what you posted. Essays are not written in bullet points, they are drafted in paragraphs. I advise that you check other reviewed essays in this forum before making a new draft. I hope it will guide you on how to write a paragraphed essay. Also, post the prompt of your essay alongside your new draft. That way, I would be able to give your work the required attention. Unfortunately, I cannot continue to advise you on this thread as you have exhausted your free advise for this thread. Create an 'Urgent' thread for further advise on your new draft.