Competitive educational system - MY PERSONAL STATEMENT #2 FOR KGSP

please check my statement this is my second essay and i don't have much time left. so any comments & corrections are deeply appreciated.

KGSP personal Statement:

Back in 2013, there was a one week Korean mission outreach program in my community and gave me the chance to be friends with them. We do made exchange of cultures and education system of both parties. This privileged exchange of conversations and ideas made me think of how rich Korean culture does and how strongly competitive educational system they have. These insights extend my own viewpoints and build a drive within me to study in Korea. This drive was solidified concretely when my friend from that program encouraged me to apply for a scholarship in Korea and explore more opportunities in a new environment.

I grew up from a financially-challenged family that pushed me to work early and stretched my bones into hardships. I nailed myself to study hard during high school years. I joined into various clubs such as Junior Association in Business Administration and Student Leadership Development Center, which honed my cognitive more especially my sensibility, adaptability and leadership skills. It is not easy to concurrent study and work but i made it through. I completed my junior high as one of the top students and graduated my senior high as an honor student. The hardships that i went through during that time develop my potential skills and made me as a competent person. Furthermore, i was a member of SKYO (Sitio Kaila Youth Organization) in my community, where i helped to teach my fellow youths to improve their lives from poverty. Involving myself into this bring an essential effect and made realized that it is not the poverty that prohibit a person to afford the good quality of life but it is the inflation force that demotes and debilitates his/her ability. This realization led to open my eyes to have interest in the field of accounting and taxation. In these present times everything changes so quickly, regarding to this are the issues in economy and commodities in the market that are intensively elevating that should be address. In line into this, my chosen field plays a big role in the world of market that sets the people purchasing power and imparting in other aspect of sciences. Studying this field will help me to analyze the existing force on this can be weakened and help to resolve other major problems in real world. This ambition of mine can results a lead to affordable good living of each and every one. I have already acquired the skills in basic fundamentals of accounting, merchandising and product costing, which is a basic foundation on what i persuading of.

South Korea is the best every country on the planet in education way back 2016 and until now be in the World Top 20 Education Poll Ranking. South Korea has a concentrated build strong education system that creates a workforce that will sustain the economic growth. Through this type of presence, i will be mold, sharpen and develop a strong foundation for my future. With this system, i will be transform into a more self-actualized person, competitive and workforce change maker. Abide to be exposed by competent people across the globe which will empower my socialization, professionalism and leadership skills.

I want to be defined by what i can do rather than other what saying about me. I believe KGSP will be my door way through to align those stars and my bridge to build an exchange cultures and ideas more. Connecting this dots maybe hard but i grew up from difficulties which prepared me to whatever trials i will going through, so nothing i can't face with.

Hey friend
I read your essay and i have to tell you that it's much like a study plan where you focused on why choosing this field.

I mean.. Im applying for kgsp too. I'm choosing business administration major. I think you wanted to talk about your motivation which you applied for kgsp... But you went too far and couldn't cover other questions. If you want to discuss why korea is a perfect place to study or why this major, you have to expand it in study plan where you are asked to talk about these things.

Anyway.. That's my personal idea. Hope we can both get kgsp. Good luck

Rannie, this is a grammatical nightmare that is sure to confuse the scholarship reviewer. It is difficult to make sense of most of what you wrote. You seem to have just taken a dictionary and used the most impressive English words that you could find, without regard for the clarity and substance of what you wrote. I suggest that you seek professional editing services for your work. This essay has the potential to be useful with regards to your application, provided your presentation becomes clearer in terms of content, topic, and discussion.

Your first essay was an exercise in exaggerations. This new version, though improved when considering the exaggerations of the first essay, is too wordy and does not have proper sentence structures that could help the Korean understand what you are trying to say. I am not saying this to be harsh or to demean you. I am saying this to help you. If you want to have an essay that can compete, you need to have an essay that can be understood.

I want you to win this scholarship but your lack of control over English grammar and sentence structure are proving to be your worst enemies at this point. Seek professional editing help to clean up your essay. That is the only way you will stand a chance of being considered for this scholarship program.

thank you so much for your comments.
i will do everything what you said. you're the best!! 😄😄 everything that you've said are all very helpful.

Hi. i have just read your essay and i have some opinion
First, i agree with both comments above that your essay has a problem with grammar and coherence . You should write a daft and arrange your idea again,it has a little bit mess here. Second , you should talk more about why you choose Korea not U.S ,Russia...ect ,what will you give after return,what will you do to bring Korea and your country together and the most important is talking about your passion.It will make you better than others.

This is my personal view.i hope that can help you somehow.Good luck !!!